Ohmygod

I hate that this blog is limited to like one topic, once every 3 months... there are other things in life... but this one, is just, obviously very important to me, and I REALLY can't talk about it anywhere else, but.

Omg. Julian is totally obsessed. He has goes on my blog every single day, sometimes two or three or more times, from work, and reads things over again.

Of course, I, am also completely obsessed. (Of course.) And it took some thrifty detective work (and a full, deep understanding of the way 'cookies' are logged on my traffic counter) for me to realize it.

So what the fuck?!?

It's been over six months since I saw him last. And there have been all these coincidences, now, looking back, that I've cracked this code......... I can't get him out of my head, and I have tried and been trying, and the reason I can't is because my obsession is feeding off of his and vice versa and it's like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sometimes

for all concerned:

officially, have been sweating and in love with and fantasizing and occasionally having odd flirtations with J, for the past... since I stopped "seeing" him as a client, in September.

officially done.

but really this time.

like. its been laid out and said flat out and he wants nothing to do with me...

i could explain more of how this came about. but i dont want to right now.

and i'll be fine. i think.

sorry i havent been writing... well i cant be sorry... cuz ive been working like a dog... like 30 hour days at the studio... like one afternoon into the next evening... we're getting so much done... and big shows coming up... writing and playing music for commercials now too... so then ill be up for 2 days and then i'll sleep for 14 hours or something... and then i have my sociolinguistics which is such an advanced class and the other students are so good i really have to put in the time...

sigh

all this good shit came about today but for some reason im just in a foul stinking and sad mood... i know its just chemicals and hormones out of wack so i'm aware of that cuz theres not much to be upset about... but still, when the Feeling happens, it just is. and im positively anhedonic.

what else can i say. i still miss julian like an idiot. he sent me an email out of the blue. but it was blank. maybe just a mistake. whatever i really dont wanna think about it.

thats it. want this day over.

I Have Changed.

I'm sitting in the studio right now. I smell like cigarettes, and I taste like the Saltines I was eating all last night when I was nauseous from a vicodin OD.

I don't know how it became an OD, I only took 2 of them, I guess I just had a bad reaction or something... My skin was like burning and everything looked trippy and shiny and I was irritable and nauseous. And my stomach hurt something awful.

My place is a mess, my clothes are all dirty, I have bills due, everything I own is ripped up, my hair is dry and my teeth are fucked up and I really have to go to a doctor at some point. I'm tired of sleeping days away. I'm tired of feeling like this.

Somehow I'm doing okay though.

I had a breakthrough with C.

He called me drunk the other night... Really drunk... Was all aggressive and belligerent saying he loved me and he'd been fucking really pissing me off more and more lately just acting WEIRD and trying to give me guilt trips, and passive aggressive shit, and never working on stuff, and always acting so tense and awful when I was around, and I finally just had it.

I just fucking had it.

I realized, yeah, I thought I had it all made, but you know what, the very thing that I was worried about, that everyone warned about, happened, it happened, and it ruined everything.

And I just accepted that. That might just be the way it was.

And thought through it all, the whole, you know I came a long way, I've still got this going, it was an experience, I learned things, they won't be unlearned or taken away...

And the next day I wrote him that. That ultimately what you're doing is being a shady fucking shitty producer. Trying to act like I'm indebted to you. Dragging your feet. Turning this project you "love so much" that "means everything" to you into a problem, a big, negative, horrible thing, MY world, my everything, and I've been putting up with your shit for months now, and it's been so much pressure, and I've just felt HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. Still strong. Still level. Still proud and positive. But in many ways, fucking horrible.

And that YOU know that this is huge for you too. That you've never done anything like it. And that you, are not where you are today, with respect to your talent, because you've let your emotions, and your fucking bullshit childish shitty attitude and your fears, and your DRINKING, STOP YOU.

So if you want to elevate yourself, and live up to your potential, by working with me, you really have to think about that, and clean up your act, and cut this shit out. Because I'm ready to walk at this point. And if this email freaks you out and sends you into your launch of excuses, I dont want to hear it. And if it sends you running. Well, then you would've run away, sooner than later, after stringing me along a little longer. And I don't want to waste my time.

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That's what I wrote him.

And his response.

Was fucking amazing. I mean, the most humble, serious... that was on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning... And since then, it's just been night and day.

He told me, he realized, he was just getting out of control with drinking. He saw everything. He apologized so many times. It was real, and it was honest, and it was sincere. And I wasn't mad. I'm not. At all. I said, "It's okay. It's fine. Nothing happened."

He said, "No, it's not okay. I can't believe I let myself treat you like that... It's not okay."

I said, "Yeah, it wasn't. But it is now."

I hugged him. And he said thank you so much....
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And I meant it, and I mean it. And in the past few days, we've sat down here, working, no tension, no attitude, no bullshit, and gotten almost the entire thing edited...

And I just feel so... I don't know. I'm surprised at myself. How strong I've become. And gentle with people. And like... I just feel nothing but tenderness in my heart...

But, I'm tired too. I'm exhausted. And I feel a little bit like... I really deserve it now... Whatever good comes... And I deserve a break...

another issue ive been yearning to get off the proverbial chest is that C is driving me up the fuck a wall. i dont even wanna get started about all the ways in which he has passive aggressively tried to control me and diminish my creative control, or the fact that he's in love with me or in some sort of fucking HAZE of adulation and fear of being alone and having a midlife crisis and finally doing a project on the scale of which he is worthy instead of sitting in his studio writing jingles.

he like, really thinks, that the songs are "ours". you know what, i'm willing to eat it on my first record. the truth is unchangeable. people will know it eventually.

i'm finally speaking to my lawyer tomorrow. it's a freebie. associate of my ex. so i dont know how in detail i'll get about this WACKED the FUCK out contract, or the fact that there's you know, friendship manipulative emotional ploy shit going on and that i dont want to be backhanded either....

but.

that, yeah.

and furthermore...

i wanna like... invite some of my other followers but you need their emails... and i wanna like... just speak freely again... ive kept everything in for so long. auto-business-face.

something like an update

career successes notwithstanding. im a mess, sorta, right now. though never as much of a mess as i used to be. how much of a mess can you be when you're suddenly jolted to a-list producer, engineer, a crazy microphone, a fucking ORCHESTRA playing your music, legendary studio and a Yamaha C7 grand.

and in addition to your own voice your own songs your own thoughts and lyrics and melodies being given a sort of, UNANIMOUSLY glowing reception, you're about to get paid an arm and a leg too?

most of which initially is recoupable to all these other people, but whatever.

you have a top lawyer from nyc representing you for free.

you'll be fine.

and then on top of that. your engineer wants you playing CLASSICAL piano for a record tour.

well.

and when you co-produced, co-wrote, and starred in a film all about it thats going to be playing at a huge festival in europe in the fall.

just before you turn 25.

not much really can you?

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you're too busy to really think about it but you have no more outlet except your songs which you've become increasingly cautious about playing in front of anyone at all, because you know the dollar signs in their eyes want to somehow insure their take, and their credit, on something you wrote and performed before you even met them...

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and you have no more outlet because all these people have found your blog so you have to shut it down.

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and you have no more outlet because you can no longer see or talk to your shrink

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and you're having a sexless quasi-relationship with your producer who's officially fucking left his wife disclaimers notwithstanding ("please, c, i am NOT responsible for any of this. remember that. please.")

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and you've reached official STALKED level about JD.

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you know he's been checking you out online a lot.

googling you. you know cuz you have a traffic monitor on your music blog. and you're such a stalker that you've looked at the headers of every email he ever sent you and wrote down ever single IP address. and then you look for similar ones on your traffic count.

and then you find a few.

but you only found them after you wrote him to check out the videos on it. and it was a complete coincidence, that he actually checked them out for the first time, like an hour before you wrote him.
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and then, you figured out what his OS was.

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and like two days ago, a lightbulb went off, and you started looking back at the logs, and seeing these weird countries. and they had the same OS he does. and it's not a common one. and you checked them out. and realized they were phony proxy servers.

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your last legit communication was a thank you card he sent you, from his house, for a cd you sent. spoon. "transference." he made a couple weird references.

you never see his car at the office lately.

you drive around his house.

you saw a stroller at the front door last week.