Zdrastvotye, menya zovut Scarlet y ya...

Hello, my name is Scarlet and I am a Chronic Homewrecker...

So.

Okay. Over the past couple months of creating musical magic with him, I have begun to develop an enormous artcrush on C. Clearly. We spend a lot of time together. Late nights. Inside jokes. Booze. Booze, because I get self-conscious and stiff when I'm playing for expensive recording equipment, and being tense or stiff or nervous makes you suck, and a couple hefty chugs of vodka really help the situation. He lays down on the floor when I play and closes his eyes and listens. I lay down on the floor and watch him point microphones at speakers and play an electric guitar and six pedals at the same time and then close my eyes and listen to what comes out. He looks like one of the characters in a videogame my brother used to play when we were little. I call him that, as a nickname. He's married. Right now.

On Saturday night a couple weeks ago I went to the studio and there were a couple people there and we were drinking and one of them ended up staying pretty late. He was really funny, the guy, a producer for this really famous hip hop group, but they were talking about all these people they know in common from LA from like the early nineties for hours. Obviously I couldn't add anything to the conversation. The guy also wouldn't really believe I was over nineteen years old, which was kind of annoying. So around midnight I started getting really antsy and pretty bored and realized I actually just wanted to be hanging out with C all night and started pacing a little bit and he noticed, and I went to check my phone a bunch of times and even said I should probably get going and he said why don't you play for us, you should hear her play, it's ridiculous, and I said nah, no, and I went and sat down at it and put my foot on the mute pedal and pressed down on the keys silently like a little brat, and after a few minutes C got up and started pacing a little too and then he sat down next to me on the bench and started playing and I started drawing him on this napkin and when I looked up at him he started kissing me and we sat there kissing like that and not moving, and he was still playing these slow beautiful haunting notes, until he played one really quiet, put his arm around my waist and let the chord linger like that, and I let the pen and napkin fall out of hand and put it on his knee and then he started running his fingers through my hair and I was holding my breath and then he stopped and his friend was still there (apparently TWEETING) and he just goes, "All right, man...."

And so, his friend, amused, made up some excuse about having to go wait for someone somewhere and C went upstairs to let him out and he came back down and looked at me and knelt down and laughed and said,

"Well, I knew that would work!"

And I laughed and then he took my hand and I stood up and he picked me up off the ground and making out with me up against the wall and and and et cetera.........

But not all the way et cetera.... he was totally consumed by guilt at some point.... which surprised me. Considering how he is. And where we met. How I've seen him, around women, and stuff, we'd discussed it before, more sorta jokingly, how I kind of assumed he was a male-slut but, quite the opposite... he's another one, married for six years, totally faithful, in a relationship of more like twenty years on and off...

So we've kind of been prancing around town together, at clubs, the studio, around his music buddies and to restaurants and I've made dinner for him and Madeline loves him and the whole nine, and it's been amazing and I'm thrilled that I'm not, again, in this situation, of sitting across somebody mutually wanting to @*&# and not. (Though, I kind of am...)

But, furthermore... C is not the type to just go around with a girlfriend. I feel like I'm just so used to that, like it's just the standard for me, and I just expect it.

But he's actually now in serious, heavy, no-joke divorce mode, and he says he doesn't want to talk about it and no, it's not about me, it's been a long time coming, and it's gotten so close so many times, and it won't affect anything and don't worry about it, and "trust me-- you are not responsible, okay?"

And I'm like, no, I'm NOT. I'm not. I'm not responsible! I'm not asking anymore questions, and I'm trying not to worry about it, and to believe, that these grownups all around me know what they're doing, that I'm not responsible for anyone (or ANYTWO...) married and working with me whose never been unfaithful, or touched a client-- that these no-ring-wearing, 40-year-old, very-successful MEN will not do anything stupid and blame it on me. And then drop out of my life. After I've trusted them and only them with it.

But... I do worry about it, just a little bit. Just a little. Yeah.

Go Go Gadget

Yes I'm a bit overworked... A lot overworked... But actually.

I'm really good. Logging in studio hours. Trudging through schoolwork by Julian's playground (and sometimes at the studio too)...

There's no way to talk about art. Talking about art is like dancing about architecture. And that's been my life lately, so, I find it hard to write... Also the fact that all my creative energy is going to these two outlets, I mean all of it, so that's another factor.

But, yes, good. And, as far as the club, well, I gotta go, and Vinnie called me last night when me and Emmy were at dinner, so it's kinda perfect timing. I heard it got revamped and they changed owners again and got rid of the pool table (THANK GOD) so it might be kinda cool. And, I KINDA miss it. Dancing. Not the rest of it. But it's been so long I can deal with it. I'll probably go in Tuesday night cuz I got class til 9 30 tomorrow.

The haunted hayride and carnival were amazing last night. We had so much fun. Perfect full moon and misty night and the middle of that beautiful forest. Reminded us of home.

I've been cooking pretty much all the time and eating a lot but for some reason getting skinny. I think it's cuz I'm cooking so it's real fucking food and my horse metabolism just kills it. I don't like being too skinny especially for the club... but I'm not really... And I feel better.

So yes.

Miss you all dear readers and sorry for not reading. Will soon. Promise.

XO
S-O

ohmyGOOOOOOOOOD

ohmygod C [producer] is a god
ohmygod C is a god
ohmygod C is a god
:::::BOWS:::::


I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW FUCKING GOOD IT SOUNDS

playboy

i could not sleep last night
sigh
it's okay
i was writing a lot... music and stuff.

so the playboy meeting was kinda awesome. the agent was actually way cooler than i expected, we talked about the midwest, and the industry changing, and career plans.

they loved me basically.

but now i don't know. when you start out you're not a Month or a centerfold... just a bunny chick. and it pays SHOCKINGLY little. like any regular magazine shoot... and he told me I'd have to cover up my tats, unless I wanted to do the web thing, and I don't, and to gain 5 pounds-- which would normally be a piece of CAKE-- but right now seems impossible...

And it's so public. It's playboy. and it's not like being a centerfold when you're some famous person. and now everything's on the web forever.

so I don't know, I told him that and he understood... and they have me on file, and to give him a call whenever I decide.

I'm going to just get up now I guess, bone-weary as I am, jog to the gym, meet Celine and take a couple classes that will probably kill my malnourished ass. Then come home, pass out for a bit, and go to work.

That's the plan, Stan.

Swank Clubs, Bad Crowds, Solo Performance, Sold Out

I have a show at a venue this Friday that can only be aptly described as "mad swank, yo."

Because it is. Mad swank. Yo.

But, ughhh, wrong crowd again? You know I think my music here in Lost Angels is like, USUALLY, falling on deaf ears. The old menz come to every performance and sit in the front and say things like, yeah, baby, and laugh at my little ironic musical nods to times gone by-- the only real IRONY I use musically, because god save the QUEEN is the scene just buttsore with irony these days, dizzie gillespie-glasses-wearin' hipsters, privileged and in $2000 worth of kit to look like they rolled out of the dumpster, had it so damn good they eschew even healthy REBELLION- the disdain of yesteryear, and appreciate everything, LIKE IT-- because they can play six degrees of masturbation by naming that white rapper on Def Juxx's sound engineer whose hi-hat hit influenced the chorus, and all kindsa other esoterica, et.al-- or just appreciate it IRONICALLY. Derisive sneermugged at all times.

Anyway. I dunno. I'm not totally NOT one of those people. I mean I'm not. But, not totally not. But I'm not into fey twee meaningless girlboy singers, whose every note is some kind of ironic homage. And. I dunno. The one comment I get most often (besides you sound like Regina Spektor, who, luckily, doesn't sound like Regina Spektor anymore, but I only get this comment anyway because I'm a girl, who plays a piano, and is kinda classically trained, and sings), is that my stuff sounds honest. It is honest. I don't do irony, it gives me the screamin' meemies to tell you the truth, I mean personally, I'm just not comfortable with it.

But. I love the West Coast music scene, way more, but, I dunno, I get booked at these CLUBS where the guy from S.Dak in the straw hat and Inspector Clousseau 'stache is nowhere to be found. I WANT that guy there... cuz like, I'm an Appalachian hayseed myself, let's be real, and at these places they have me play it's like, Hellay Posers who listen to-- I dunno what tf they listen to... but it's not the Pixies or Andrew Bird or Regina or even the Silversun Pickups and it's damn-sure not the Cranberries (which is my second most common comparison) and I see them there and I'm just like, Ugh. Ok. Lets just get through this So'D.

But for the love of Allah I am NICHT bringing my kangaroo dink keyboard again. Last time I heard it through the monitor it made my ears bleed. I'm gonna rent something. I'm gonna rent a f'n Korg. Yeah.

ESPeezy

I gave Julian the CD, two of the songs on it were like his theme song at some point in life that he would listen to over and over in the car. :-0

Solo Quiero Caminar Playlist

SOLO QUIERO CAMINAR

01 Solo Quiero Caminar - Paco de Lucia
02 Jolene - Dolly Parton
03 Dirtywhirl - TV on the Radio
04 California Dreaming - The Mamas and the Papas
05 Soft - Kings of Leon
06 Playhouses- TV on the Radio
07 Ulysses - Franz Ferdinand
08 Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
09 Honey White - Morphine
10 Hang Me Out to Dry - Cold War Kids
11 So Real - Jeff Buckley
12 Plasticities - Andrew Bird
13 Dreams - Cranberries
14 Djoba Djoba - The Gipsy Kings


Oh yea. I'm proud of this one. Load it up.

Into It.

Again, I love my job.

Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can do well.

I went to this crazy taxidermy demonstration with Emily- she's always on some weird shit like that- and I was debating on going to work, because, well, the money wouldn't hurt, and getting out of the house wouldn't hurt, and sitting at home writing Julian e-mails on Saturday night probably would hurt somebody. But it was like ten to eight and I was still at the taxidermy thing up the straight getting a little antsy and a little nauseous, and Vinnie called me and said, "Casper!"- his new epithet for me, since I disappear all the time, hah- so I said, "Boo." So he laughed and then told me he would love it if I came in tonight if I needed to etc, so how could I say no. And I came in and didn't even go into the dressing room or talk to any girls and sat down and then went onstage and the cash just FLOWED its way onto me all night. I made up my large, large, large outstanding balance to J and then went home.

Man. If I made that much every night and worked like, three times a WEEK... I'd be flowing in it. Like... FLOWING in excess cash. Hahaha. But I feel like it doesn't work that way. Like the more you go in the less you make. For some reason. Just a matter of being over-it I guess.

But I was not over-it last night.

I was into it.

I love dancing. I love spinning. And twirling. And splits. And climbing up and hanging upside down and mouthing all the lyrics to all my songs and scooping up the dollars and throwing them over my head during the chorus.

And I love the mindblown dudes saying "I am here for joo, joo aarre so byoooteefull, what do joo need?"

And saying:

"Hmmm, a hundred? One of those twenties. Two, actually. And another beverage. Thanks much."

For Kat-S:

I love it. I love it. Charlie Peacock I mean, it sounds like Miles, like Filles de Kilamanjaro (sp)... I'm gonna plug:
http://www.charliepeacock.com/

Droppin' a quick line...

I have eight minutes til class... no, make that seven... and I'm all the way across campus at the library... had to get up super early to use the computer here to burn CDs and print out all this stuff... I've been busy recording and with school and seeing people so I've been good. Busy. Is always good... Really busy too!!! Today I've got class now and then Julian and then straight to this production meeting and then my dreaded Psych class all in a row and god knows what the Psych homework was and I was all behind on my others too and had to practice playing a lot. I'm gonna be in here later so. That's what I got for now...

One more time with this:

So I had one of my tests today and I think I nailed it, and I got an A yesterday too, though I got a 37/40... I think that should be an A-... Well no, I guess it's 92.5 and it rounds up. I mostly care though that they were small mistakes... it wasn't like a didn't know words, I just spelled a couple wrong.

I have Psych test tonight. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I know absolutely nothing. I'm lucky enough to learn a lot of things by osmosis... but this is too much... Sigh. Well I have a few hours to cram.

I don't feel too great right now. I haven't spoken to Elena for more than a few minutes here since the last time, which was a month ago now. Or more. She just never calls me back when she says she will. And I'm the one to call. International. I don't have a plan. It's like free for her. It's just getting old.

I saw Julian. He was nice and cute and friendly. He showed me a New Yorker cartoon he said mae him think of our conversation, and we talked about the youtube link about recurrence, and he showed me Rockstar (it's Rockstar)'s scratches. But he didn't say anything about things I'd said in the e-mail, he just ignored it all, except for the part where I mentioned his looks that made me feel like he was skeptical of what I was saying. I think we're just trying to move past it. Yeah, he's definitely just trying to get me past it. Okay. Whatever. Cool. I guess he can see that I have some other stuff going on, and that I can talk about it, so we're moving past it. You were Kat to just take things at face-value. Dead-on right. He even used those words once. I mean ks- don't know why I felt like calling you Kat, heh. Whatever little innuendos and hints and things I see in my head are really JUST MY IMAGINATION. The staring, it's just what therapists do. He's just kind of a flirtatious person by nature I think. And he's hot. So it probably seems he's flirting when he's not. I feel like an ass.

I just talked to Pasha (I don't know if I've mentioned him... trying to keep things simple and all that... and sorry about all the weird names in my life... I hang with a lot of e-pats... but he's a guy who I met at the club ages ago, and we kinda had a sugar-daddy thing going, I mean he just helps me with bills and stuff but like he's not my boyfriend... we would just *$&#... but then we were like, friends too... and actually like each other ... and I felt cool about it and then I felt weird about it and I talked to Julian about it-- again, how would he ever possibly be interested in me when I tell him things like that-- and Pasha is actually REALLY F-IN COOL. I always thought he's really funny, and really nice, and really level-headed, and sharp and he's attractive and really just the bomb but we just have a different kind of relationship like there's no romance I don't feel THAT way about him, I actually feel about him more like a friend like someone I can call and cry to, but anyway, I hadn't been seeing him at all, probably a lot to do with being in love with J, and I saw him again recently, and told him all about Julian, and he's like totally fascinated by it and was like perfect so you're not sleeping with anyone, you can sleep with me, i'll be the pig, and then you can have him as your intellectual half. Hah. But he said stuff about it that was just really right on-the-mark, like sensitive and perceptive stuff that I wouldn't think he'd know anything about, I mean he sure doesn't go to therapy... and today I was upset and I called him, and again he was really sensitive and dead-on and he was like, this is the part where it can get really dangerous and really fuck you up. You need to back off. Back off like 90%. This guy isn't going anywhere. And if he really wants you he'll move mountains to be with you.

And he's right.

Julian changed all my appointments around this week again and then last minute asked if Friday at 6 was good, so of course I said of course. And now I realized I have a show at 7. Another hour set. I'm gonna ask them if I can move it back a little since they're never on schedule anyway, and honestly an hour was a little too much to fill, but, really, maybe I should just try to reschedule or cancel with J this week. Really. I like thought (of course) this would be the night where it all happens. But after today. Come on, girl. WOW.

Catch-up and a Response.

So Thursday night I went to work, and yesterday I went to see Julian... yeah, and then I went straight from their to E's open mic place, and I played, and felt I tanked and I talked to E for a bit, he's become a friend now, ironically... And then the guy who owns the place was there and ran out and said "Hey, you, I have a slot open tomorrow night for an hour long set... Do you want it?" So I'm playing tonight... an hour... That's like my entire repertoire... That's like 10 songs or more... I haven't played most of them in ages... I have to practice all day and write down notes and NOT be nervous.... Well no one can be nervous for an hour. I think it'll be good for me. I'm almost considering telling people. I want to go to work tonight too so I'll have to go right after. It'll be a long day.

So first...

I want to respond to KS- I know where you're going with that question... Don't think I haven't considered... My belief system is an intense, ever-shifting, often-painful, love-hate relationship with one, then another, then none at all, then a few... much like my other relationships, which are getting less tumultuous and deeper as I grow up, which is a good thing, but for now... Well I'd like to go into it... but another time... Just to say, my apparent lack of faith is not for lack of interest, or consideration... I don't live the unexamined life... and when I'm hanging on the edge I look out... and sometimes I feel... Anyway...

I'm going to continue this in separate posts... I think that would be wise...

Fade

I had a crazy, kind of horrible, kind of great day. I decided I'm gonna quit whining so much but I was running around, sluggish, ten million things to do, making crackhead mistakes the whole time, I left my keys in the damn ignition and locked myself out in the cold, house keys on the same chain, phone almost dead, ugh, etc.

I got home and fell asleep for an hour, with my shoes and clothes on, face down. I've never done that.. I woke up and realized I was alone, that no one was next to me, and started crying. I've been alone for so long. I can barely take it.

I went to the venue with my neighbor. The owner wasn't too nice, and I just felt awful, but after a couple drinks, and the DJ warming up, we started dancing, and it was great. There was no one there.

We drove home and I found my Gipsy Kings CD in the car and I haven't heard it in like 6 months and we blasted it and I was happy.

Spread Thin, Stoked, Stormy

I know I haven't been writing as much, and reading as much, of your blogs, I just, I haven't had time, and, I've been writing letters to people... and writing a lot of music, and recording, and I can't sleep so I'm never awake, and I drink like a fish at work and I'm gonna cry even though I'm stoked... I have a showcase for a record label just last minute on Wednesday and I have to learn all my shit down and like I don't have time, I also had to finish my column for the paper today when it was due on Sunday. And school is starting, and working, school's starting in a week, and on the same day, my ex fiance is coming HERE. I haven't seen him in more than year. He didn't wanna move here. He used to be a rockstar, but I dunno blew it off, cuz he's, like that... but he's the funniest, most magical sexbomb person and I can't, I haven't even thought about what happened... But I sent him my tracks and he said it was good. And don't add anything to it, like drums or bass or whatever, it'll just mess it up. And he's right. And he gave me advice. And he's letting me cover a couple of his songs. His songs. Are genius. He has the sexiest, toughest, most beautiful voice in the world. And God I love him, but, he was, ugh... I don't want to think about it. It's too much right now. But I'm not gonna revert to how I was with when I was with him... all the growth, I'm not gonna regress, so I'm not gonna start telling him I love him and stuff because that's not fair and I need to just hold it back and be mature about it.

I see Julian tomorrow. I'm gonna tell him thank you. He deserves it.

Some real serious sh-t...

First thing I did when I walked in the door just now was turn the damn piano off.

I just spent 5 hours in the studio with Kosta recording my songs... He's a pretty serious producer, jazz musician, and just cool and laid-back, and older, not like the guys I've worked with before who just wanna sleep with me or make quick money that they'll never make because their stuff is bland and boring and trying to be of-the-minute, always one step behind. Kosta was watching me play (on his RHODES.AMAZING.) and was like, "You're getting into some real serious shit." Hahaha. He asked me to do the vocals and piano separately which I've never done, and I had to redo the piano a bunch of times because I don't even know what I'm playing and it's different every time, and he tried playing a few bars just fixing it up for the track, and I showed him what I was actually playing and he was like, "Huh. Yeah. That makes a real hammering sound, you have all these classical elements, yeah, this is some different shit. This is good." And I was like, "That's good to hear cuz I don't show it around a lot and I can never tell if it's just totally off-the-wall or what..." And he was like, "It is. It's great." OK, let me just nerd out for a sec here... As far as having classical elements, there is this piece I've been listening to, it's called "Das Buch der Klange" (Book of Sounds) by this modern German composer Hans Otte, and it sounds like the voice of God and the heavens and the stars. It's seemingly simple piano, just gradually changing repetitive chords, but it's really hard to play and I kinda stole that style of twinkle. Ineffectual Snob-man Scott showed it to me, along with some other pretty things. He's pretty himself. But ew. Anyway.

Ahhhhh. Sorry about the boring music talk. I'm so hungry. I'm SO.HUNGRY. I'm seeing Julian in 10 hours. :-) I ordered a book he talked about and just got it delivered today, and I'm reading it, but I don't know if I'm gonna tell him... It's by a famous shrink and it's stories from therapy.. I have a feeling it might go into some no-no territory about being attracted to a patient and what a no-no that is. So I'm gonna finish it first.

WHY does rice ALWAYS stick to the bottom of the pan and burn??

I need a maid.

Should I be worried?

This is a picture Manny took of me in my Halloween costume as Marilyn.. I think it's small enough and I'm in costume enough to be safe. I could be wrong.

It's 2.

I said I'd go to bed by 12. I think if I just went to bed, I'd be asleep by now. Now I'm "playing Blues Brothers" like J said, "Well, if you can't turn off the light or the computer at least maybe you can play Blues Brothers..." meaning wear sunglasses at night, at home, when I want to start getting ready for bed. It was cute, really cute. I realize... I feel like the loneliest girl in the world. An old girlfriend from home called me, after a year, she lives here actually and we went for a drive while she took bad pretentious pictures for her music video for her weak boring music and she was completely self-absorbed and just talked about herself the whole time so I asked her to drop me off after half an hour, because I had a date, which I wanted to cancel, so I asked him to come earlier, and then he said he couldn't, so I was so happy. And then I spent hours playing and recording and then no one was online except my friend James from Scotland and I wanted to send him my music but it wouldn't go through and he kept asking me to send pictures of myself. There's a hilarious comic on Comedy Central. I wish I could put my songs on here somehow. I wish I could talk to Julian or Elena.

My friend Lucy from here doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. We stopped talking at some point, around the holidays, and then kept saying we needed to hang out, and we never did, talked online occasionally though, and then I asked her to read something in the blog, and she probably read it all, and she stopped talking to me, and IM'd her once and she said she had to go and "Let me know if you need anything." And hasn't spoken to me since. I have a feeling... It was condescending. She's 20. And I feel like sees me as a mess now and beneath her. Julian would challenge me on that. That maybe it's in my head and I assume everyone's judging me and if I reached out to her she'd be there. And he'd do it with just a look, get me to say all that. And now his voice is in my head at all times and I question it myself. Maybe it is just me. But it sure seems that way. I'm going to try again. Good night.

No me importa que sera....

I just LOVE. I LOVE. I love Julian Darcy and it really doesn't matter what happens because he is beautiful, a beautiful spirit. And I love, purely, and wholly, really.



I'm giving my friend Joanna from the club piano lessons. Woot! :-) She's so beautiful and kind of enigmatic, I'm stoked. She's the only girl from the club I'd ever want to hang out with honestly, just her depth... Like Julian said today, emotional depth of field... I further regret my kangaroo keyboard-- of all things with which to be CHEAP. That, and oh my dancing shoes!!! I was discussing this with another girl last night... Being DIRT CHEAP with our dancing shoes and clothes when that's how we make our money, and I mean, for real, it's ridiculous, my shoes are PRETTY MUCH broken now, and they were cheap POS to begin with. Well, I'll splurge a whopping 50 bucks on a new pair and they'll feel great. Ahhh today was sloshy cold rain again and I wore flip flops cuz I really just loathe shoes, especially after last night, and I came into Julian's (after drying my feet in the bathroom though) and he was kind of stern-ish, the first few minutes, he is sometimes, I love that, that he's moody, not like mood-swingy obviously, but that he has different moods and he doesn't hide them. He's not fake. Some days he's just really cheerful and some days he's not, like a real person. There are so few people, especially people you work with on some level, that are just real and don't give the same face everyday... Anyway I apologized for my feet. He was like, why? I said cuz they're all wet in flip flops. He said, Oh, doesn't matter.