Over It.

Okay.

I am officially over it.

It's time to do other things.

Ridiculous, is what I've been, and deliberately or not, this guy wasted a lot of my precious time. But don't think twice, it's all right.

I can't say I'm not sad about this. But. What else am I gonna do. I dunno. I should get another therapist. I'm not doing so great. Sigh.

Liar, Liar

I went to get my hair done today

I was talking to my stylist

I said something about "next door to my shrink"

She said, Oh, you have a therapist? Nearby? Cuz I'm looking for a new therapist...

I said, well I told her the address.

She said, Oh, are you seeing Julian? Darcy?

She said she saw him for two years, and she left because she felt she couldn't really talk about relationships with him because he wasn't very helpful and she just didn't feel comfortable like he didn't get her and that also one time he recommended this movie to her (a dark kinda sick twisted movie that I've talked about with him-- and he'd said, I actually had one patient get really upset with me for recommending that movie so I took it off my site) because it really disturbed her...

I said, Oh, my god I can't believe you were seeing him

She said Why, what, what? Has he helped you a lot?

I said Yeah...

She said Yeah, he's very intelligent, and compassionate, I dunno he just didn't really get me... and then she said, What? She said, Are you, you're attracted to him?

I said, Yeah

She said, Yeah, he's beautiful, I mean, I totally understand. She said, What, are you like? You're in love with him...

I said, Yeah

She said, Oh, yeah, I totally get it, I'm sure he gets that, from lots of people I mean yeah he's hot.

I shook my head and started tearing up, there in the salon chair.

She said Oh no! What, are you really crying? No, why, I totally understand!

I said, I just, you don't even... It's...

She said, What, does he know, did you tell him?

I said, Oh god. God. Yes. He knows. He really knows. I can't believe you saw him...

She said, Small world, right?

And I sat there in shock, and she stopped doing my hair, and I told her, because I could finally tell someone who knew him... About all the stuff... And how I'm consumed by him and have been for a year. And she said, So it's not even therapy they're just mini dates for you... and they are for him too. Why don't you stop seeing him and date him?

Well, I mean he's MARRIED and--

What? He's not married...

Yes, he is, and he has children...

No, he doesn't... No... I asked him... unless it was in the last, like, YEAR and--

Well, he did just have a child in May-

Oh, so he met someone and had, oh that makes sense-

But no, he has two kids too, that are five and seven--

What?

.......She said she could probably find out for me... She said, she saw how upset I was, she said I needed to stop seeing him, that it was consuming me, that she knows how it is and I probably can't stop now but I could cut down to once a week and that I should really find someone else because I'm going to need to see someone else to get over this that I probably can't do it alone, and that if I'm still interested in him in six months I should call him, but as I was sobbing and shaking my head and she was telling me how she'd been into this guy for seven years and he was older too and he was always just giving enough so that she stayed and how she was consumed by him and how she would get through her day doing makeup or hair by fantasizing about him, and how she wouldn't go out, because she preferred to be home, living in her head, dreaming about him, and I said, God, oh my god, yes, and I thought why, why would he, tell me he had children I mean to make me feel and that I was entirely consumed and that it made me wonder if I was just crazy and he was just oblivious and she said He is a very INTELLIGENT person, and he knows this, and he knows that your life is frozen right now, and he is KEEPING it that way, and it's very, very selfish, and I don't want to upset you, but, honestly, it's almost abusive.

And she said I know you can't quit right now, but--

And I said, No. No. I'm done. And I was crying and I said God, god, I don't even know what to do right now... I said I know I'm going to go to the bank so I can pay you... and she laughed and told me the price and I went to the bank, in shock, and I got out the money and I gave her a really big tip because she also just does a fantastic job and she gave me her phone number and said I could call her whenever and I went home and then I called the dealer and I got some drugs and I wrote Julian an e-mail saying that I know he's conveniently out of town but that this is an emergency.

And I don't want to talk to him about it over the phone. I will go there on Friday and I will ask him everything, and tell him everything, and ask for my money back for the last month.

And until then I'm just going to try to let the time pass. Somehow.

blablablablabla

ok
this stupid see-saw is almost totally broken and i'm about to fall off for real

fall off the couch

i'm done with this

done with this delusion

i hate him

i scraped my knee on the splintery wood

i'm getting nauseous

i'll probably keep swinging for a while but i really shouldnt

Well, now's your turn to say "I told you so."

J: You look pensive.

S: Don't I always look pensive?

J: Sometimes. Is that a denial?

S: (laughs) No.

J: What are you pensive about?

S: (long pause) I am pensive about my feelings.

J: (laughs after long pause) Go on...

S: (laughs) Yes. My feelings about you. That's what I'm pensive about.

J: (long pause) What's the thought process about the feelings? Well, not the feelings, I think I know the feelings, you write about them... What's the meta-thought process?

S: I'm conflicted, on the one hand, they feel really good sometimes... And then usually followed by pain and frustration. The conflict between the bliss of loving someone and the hell of wanting something you can't--

J: Something impossible.

S: Right. Impossible.

J: When we first started talking about this--

S: I know. I know what you said. But somehow I deluded myself again. People have convinced themselves of cra3ier shit.

J: When we first started talking about this. I felt kind of panicked. Well, panicked, maybe isn't the right word but... I was anxious to resolve the...

S: Awkwardness?

J: You're not deluded. I've thought about this a lot too... and I... wanted to say that I have very strong feelings for you too. I think I should be open about that with you. It's not like I'm blind to how beautiful you are. I think our brains are a lot alike. I think you're like me, with talent. I mean I was never able to play music, or write creatively... I tried in my psychology papers but it was always very logical, philosophical arguments... I don't have the ability to make these sentences... that are like... creative. Like that one. (laughs) So, you're not deluded, and you're not imagining this connection. And under different circumstances I... And it's really important to me, to be a part of your life, it means a lot to me that I'm important in your life. But it just can't be reciprocated.

S: Uh huh.

J: Do you want to move on?

S: Yes.

J: I think I can tell you something about myself, that will help you move on. Demystify my life a little. Can I?

S: By all means.

J: I know you know that I have kids. You've never asked about them.

S: I haven't felt comfortable.

J: I have two daughters. And I'm expecting a third.

THE MOTHERFUCKER.

I said Congratulations. I asked how old his daughters were. I started crying uncontrollably, making jokes here and there. He was watching me. He said he really hates hurting me this much. I said I hate everything and want to die. And laughed. So did he. I kept making jokes about "go-time." He laughed, "Ha, go-time." I said I have a photoshoot after this for some sunglasses and I can't go. And I don't want to get into my car. Or drive. Or go home. And I said I'm angry. With you. Tell me. He said. I think you should have addressed this sooner. When you know, as you said, palpably felt the intensity of my feelings. That's fair. And you're probably right, I just, felt like I hammered you last time. I wanted to wait until- Well apparently i needed to be hammered some more.

I threw my checkbook at him. Here. I said. What do I owe you. I think we should figure this out on Tuesday... I think we should do it NOW. I... I'll need to figure out what it would be... It's go-time now huh. Yes. Got it. I stormed passed him open the door myself and and didnt close it behind me and walked the fuck out of there.