Liar, Liar

I went to get my hair done today

I was talking to my stylist

I said something about "next door to my shrink"

She said, Oh, you have a therapist? Nearby? Cuz I'm looking for a new therapist...

I said, well I told her the address.

She said, Oh, are you seeing Julian? Darcy?

She said she saw him for two years, and she left because she felt she couldn't really talk about relationships with him because he wasn't very helpful and she just didn't feel comfortable like he didn't get her and that also one time he recommended this movie to her (a dark kinda sick twisted movie that I've talked about with him-- and he'd said, I actually had one patient get really upset with me for recommending that movie so I took it off my site) because it really disturbed her...

I said, Oh, my god I can't believe you were seeing him

She said Why, what, what? Has he helped you a lot?

I said Yeah...

She said Yeah, he's very intelligent, and compassionate, I dunno he just didn't really get me... and then she said, What? She said, Are you, you're attracted to him?

I said, Yeah

She said, Yeah, he's beautiful, I mean, I totally understand. She said, What, are you like? You're in love with him...

I said, Yeah

She said, Oh, yeah, I totally get it, I'm sure he gets that, from lots of people I mean yeah he's hot.

I shook my head and started tearing up, there in the salon chair.

She said Oh no! What, are you really crying? No, why, I totally understand!

I said, I just, you don't even... It's...

She said, What, does he know, did you tell him?

I said, Oh god. God. Yes. He knows. He really knows. I can't believe you saw him...

She said, Small world, right?

And I sat there in shock, and she stopped doing my hair, and I told her, because I could finally tell someone who knew him... About all the stuff... And how I'm consumed by him and have been for a year. And she said, So it's not even therapy they're just mini dates for you... and they are for him too. Why don't you stop seeing him and date him?

Well, I mean he's MARRIED and--

What? He's not married...

Yes, he is, and he has children...

No, he doesn't... No... I asked him... unless it was in the last, like, YEAR and--

Well, he did just have a child in May-

Oh, so he met someone and had, oh that makes sense-

But no, he has two kids too, that are five and seven--

What?

.......She said she could probably find out for me... She said, she saw how upset I was, she said I needed to stop seeing him, that it was consuming me, that she knows how it is and I probably can't stop now but I could cut down to once a week and that I should really find someone else because I'm going to need to see someone else to get over this that I probably can't do it alone, and that if I'm still interested in him in six months I should call him, but as I was sobbing and shaking my head and she was telling me how she'd been into this guy for seven years and he was older too and he was always just giving enough so that she stayed and how she was consumed by him and how she would get through her day doing makeup or hair by fantasizing about him, and how she wouldn't go out, because she preferred to be home, living in her head, dreaming about him, and I said, God, oh my god, yes, and I thought why, why would he, tell me he had children I mean to make me feel and that I was entirely consumed and that it made me wonder if I was just crazy and he was just oblivious and she said He is a very INTELLIGENT person, and he knows this, and he knows that your life is frozen right now, and he is KEEPING it that way, and it's very, very selfish, and I don't want to upset you, but, honestly, it's almost abusive.

And she said I know you can't quit right now, but--

And I said, No. No. I'm done. And I was crying and I said God, god, I don't even know what to do right now... I said I know I'm going to go to the bank so I can pay you... and she laughed and told me the price and I went to the bank, in shock, and I got out the money and I gave her a really big tip because she also just does a fantastic job and she gave me her phone number and said I could call her whenever and I went home and then I called the dealer and I got some drugs and I wrote Julian an e-mail saying that I know he's conveniently out of town but that this is an emergency.

And I don't want to talk to him about it over the phone. I will go there on Friday and I will ask him everything, and tell him everything, and ask for my money back for the last month.

And until then I'm just going to try to let the time pass. Somehow.