oh, god.

i got up early and got ready and even did some yoga n stuff
i went there and pressed the button and after a minute he opened the door and we didnt smile at each other
i went and i sat
we stared at each other for 3 minutes
he said i dont know where to start
he said he cant speak for the person he doesnt know who it was, i said i wasnt gonna tell him cuz i said i wouldnt, he said of course not, and he cant talk about another clients therapy, but he never said that he was single. he said he was always truthful with me, and that i probably knew that, i said I did, that I talked to JohnB and he said, you don't just MAKE UP families... I've never heard of that. and then he laughed and said that it was hard to talk with me attacking him and that even if i was angry i didnt need to make him out to be this "villain who's like, fucking with you" and i said That's the first time I heard you swear. and he said, I think it all the time. and it got to tears and it got to cruelty and humiliation and his denials and why did you let me go on, go on after he said, I am not, I do not mean this in a romantic or sexual way, I'm not going to say that I don't know that you're beautiful. Or that... But, I am not attracted to you like that.

And he said he felt like he connected with me like if there was a female ukrainian version of him it would be me and I said so what wouldnt you be humiliated? and he said Yes. And he said, have you made the decision to stop? And I said, Yes. And I said, what would you do then, if you think like me, what would you do? And he said I'd probably stop. And I said, I'm not going to see another therapist. And he said nothing. And I said IT WAS CRUEL JULIAN, EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT TO BE, LETTING ME GO ON AND ON LIKE THAT, these delusions, these thoughts I had, YOU SHOULD HAVE ADDRESSED IT-- and he said, we did address it, and I thought I was clear, and I said But WAY AFTER WE ADDRESSED IT, I kept GOING, I'm never going to do that again.

And he said nothing.

And I said you should have told me to see someone else a long time ago. And I said, you knew it, you knew how I felt, and you knew that I would only feel it more--

And he said I knew the first part, but I didn't know the second part, I thought we'd have this time apart and I thought maybe, I didn't know where you'd be, and the fact that you didn't write--

I wrote--

Well that I didn't receive...

You were on VACATION with your FAMILY and I didn't want to BOTHER YOU--

I know and I appreciate that but, I had no idea where you'd be when I got back-

Really?!

Really.

You should have stopped this and told me to see someone else--

And he said Maybe I should have. And I will think about that.

Think about it after this is all done? For next time?

And he said, You are being derisive.

And I said, Sorry.

And he said, I know you feel powerless but you have the power to hurt me. Now. Or in the future.

And I said, I don't want it.

And I said Can't you see, it's all grit and gray and grime and frustration and paperwork and nothing and did you think I needed more humiliation??

And he said, I know, I'm, but I know I've helped you.

And I said, Yes, you taught me to pay parking tickets on time.

And he said angrily, I think it was more than that.

I said Yes, that all that glitters is not gold, not shooting stars, not anything real just illusion--

And he said, That's an illusion.

................................................................................................................................................................

And I said WHY did you let me GO ON.

And he didn't say anything and we stared at each other and he stared at my legs and then he said You're staring.

And I said, I always stare at you... You're staring, too.

And then I got up and I knelt down in front of him and I held his hand and he held it back really tight and just sat there and I felt his breathing and I got closer to him and he put his other hand on top of mine and I put my hand back on his and my chin was on his knee and we sat like that for a minute, and I started running my hand up his arm and when it got to his shoulder he put his hand on it lightly to stop me but he didn't really stop me but I stopped and I brought it back down and he squeezed it and we sat there breathing and I said--

I can hear what you're thinking when I touch you like this.

And he looked away from me and then back at me and then away from me and he said Scarlet I want to say something and I'm going to ask you to sit--

And I sat back down. And I said, You don't have to say it again.

And he said, I'm not, I'm... and he said really quickly in one breath, I made some mistakes and this, this is everything you thought it was. It's everything you thought it was, you were never wrong about...

And I said, You don't have to go on.

He said, and, okay, if you see another therapist and at some point in the future would like to check in and--

I said Of course I will.

I said I still want to give you that book too.

The bible?

No, I want to give you that too but you won't read it, I laughed. This other one. I think it'll help some of your clients,

I've given up on giving you Lars you can rent it yourself...

He laughed. He told me he saw Fight Club on the plane and they cut out the plane crash sequence. I said that was beautiful, the ending, with the pixies song. He asked if I saw Lost in Translation. I said that was good too. He said Okay this is our time... any final thoughts?

I was wiping away tears but smiling and said, This will be hard

He nodded

I said Okay, and hugs are allowed, when therapy is resumed?

he said yes. he got up and he said i'll wait for you here. he walked to the door.

i said ah yes you and the door that's your thing huh.

i said I'll put the bible down cuz that would be clumsy. he laughed.

I PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM AND MY HEAD AGAINST HIS SHOULDER WITH MY LIPS TOUCHING HIS NECK AND THEN TURNED IT BACK. HE HELD MY WAIST SO TIGHT. I RAN MY FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR.

he put his hand on mine lightly again to stop me so I pulled away. and then we stared at each other.

and then i walked out the door.