Heh.
Yes, I've had to be veiled and secretive. But one possible lurker has just sworn on a stack of bibles they'd stop haunting the place. And I believe him. So, you know who you are, if you're reading this right now, shame on you, it ain't gonna do ya any good, and it's just precisely the very thing I've told you I find disrespectful and unappealing AND, there's a difference between deceit, and keeping secrets, and simply wanting mental privacy; allow me to have my thoughts. They'll only hurt you if you sniff around where you oughtn't.
Anyhoo.
Quite enough on that.
I am currently AT Table Top, and have resigned to the fact that I probably won't see Julian today... Just a feeling... I dunno... It being the holidays and all I wasn't even sure if he'd be in town, but I lurked the parking lot and indeed I see his car. Well, who knows.
About the Christmas card--- next post :-)
Merry Christmas everyone. Or did I already... I dunno... I don't have any plans :-( Sad, huh? I'll do something though. And Elena's coming here for 5 days for new years!!!! Wahoo!!!
Showing posts with label julian darcy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label julian darcy. Show all posts
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
all beauty is cruel
here's what it is.
now that ive drugged myself into some numb stupor i'm giving you the benefit of advance warning, as i always do, so that you can come prepared with your explanations. don't know why i do this. i just cant help spilling i suppose. to you. to other people, i manage to keep my mouth relatively shut, examples as follows:
today i was talking to a person, about people in hollywood talking about movies, and said something about "the place next door to my shrink". this person said, "oh you go to a therapist next door?" i said "well yeah i go to therapist but i meant this coffee place there not next door to here" and they said "oh cuz im looking for one close by" i said "oh well its pretty close its down near broad street in ridgeway" and they said "oh, do you see julian darcy?" and i said, "yeah!" and they said "oh i went to him for a while!" and i said oh yeah, he's great, and they said yeah, he's very intelligent and he's beautiful, and i of course agreed, enthusiastically, and i said yeah i'm sort of head over for him-- keeping it really light-- and they said, aw, really? and i said OH yeah. and they said well stop seeing him as a therapist and date him! and i said yeah right he's married with children. again, this was all very light. the person said, he's not married. i said yeah, he is, the person said, no, i asked him, he said he was like single... unless it was in the last, like, couple years...
i said- out of some (perhaps unwarranted) loyalty and respect for you-- oh yeah it was really recently he had a child. and they said oh ok, so he met someone and got married wow.
so that was that. you can imagine julian. how i must feel right now. out of some loyalty and respect for you, and characteristic disrespect for myself, i'm telling myself you told me this, to try to get me to get over you. instead of just telling me whatever the truth is. or maybe you tell other people, you don't tell them about your family, to protect them? but it seems a little extreme. this person is not tony soprano, or a serial killer.
why would you lie to me about this? why would... it's really very insulting if you did that. it's really, really insulting. it's condescending. you really think it was something to protect my feelings or help me some how? that you would have to lie to me? how can i trust you now? what are you doing, what are you thinking, what's going on in that head of yours. i don't know you at all. i don't know who you are.
even before this totally random (and yet formally perfect, as in the PERFECT FUCKING SHAPE) i started thinking, i really can't be your patient anymore. i can't do it. i love you, and i want you, and i don't want you to pretend to be this objective witness/soundingboard/hotline anymore, and i dont, deep down, believe that it's completely one-sided, it just does not feel that way, and there are so many innuendos and so much subtext and when i tell you that and you just blatantly look me in the eye and deny that, it is insulting, and it is reckless, and it is hurtful. and i cant see it as excusable unless you have some EMOTION toward me too. if you dont, and you are completely coolly and carelessly toying with my head because you find it amusing, unaware of the hurt you will ultimately cause, you are a selfish and thoughtless person and everything i thought about you is wrong.
but i realized, a litte ways into this little vacation of yours, that i cannot see you as a therapist. it reduces my life to two hours a week. that i'm paying money for. and not getting anything in return. it feels like i am, but i'm not. you have helped me with things, you really did for a while, and for a while it's just been me wanting to see you, because i dont want to lose you. because im so afraid of losing you. but i cant go on like this.
if you really as you say just have no interest in knowing me, outside of that room, then i guess i will have to swallow that fucking bullet, better now than later. better now than later. my life is on standstill.
you know. you've probably known for a while, how hard and far i have FALLEN for you. maybe you dont. maybe you think i'm also just playing around like you are. for some distraction.
I DONT KNOW.
I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING STORY IS JULIAN
but you better explain it to me. if you have any shred of decency, or respect for me, or compassion, you better explain it to me, and you better not lie to my face-- if you were lying about your marriage, or your family, just tell me flat out, give me your reasons, i will accept them, you know, i think so highly of you, i adore you, and at least i thought i understood you, so i really will understand-- and if you just thought it would hurt my feelings to say you aren't attracted to me or interested in me then SAY IT.
god, i am not stupid. i am not stupid. i notice the caution you've used with your words. i know there are certain things you cannot say. i know when you're being ambiguous. i know there are certain things you HAVENT said. and there are certain 6th sense sort of visions " " (yeah i'm a fucking crazy moron, shoot me, and fuck yourself) i have about you- your personal life- your family situation. and at the risk of sounding HAUGHTY to use your word, or narcissistic, i mean WHAT A FUCKING FOOL, how i PUT MYSELF on the fucking LEDGE for you??? how much i have been a FOOL over you, for you, risked every shred of dignity for you??? and this is how, rather, this is how you DONT reciprocate?
so i am NOT a narcissist. i know i have HUMILITY. and i used to have GRACE. and now i don't know WHERE that's gone. but at the risk of sounding narcissistic, i KNOW you are attracted to me, i know you LET me know that, i know at one point you didnt, and then you did, and then you didnt, and there are unsaid understandings between us, and normally when i mention them in the emails, the next time i see you you act like a complete cold, distant asshole, as if to rid me of any confidence i have that there's ANYTHING mutual, and i'm SICK of it. i've had just about enough. i KNOW that i play these games with you, and i KNOW that you play them with me. and i know that youve never done or said anything- because youre very clever- that could ever definitely, without a doubt, make me sure. and fuck, i'll be honest, it's hot, i admire, and am extremely turned on, by how clever you are. and the fact that every time i go out on a limb like this, i have to think, god, if i'm wrong, i am SUCH an asshole, and god, of course i'm wrong, and god, i am SUCH an asshole, and then I START BEATING MYSELF TO A BLOODY PULP over it, how delusional, and stupid, and unattractive, and ridiculous i am.
IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT
you're not stupid either. you play dumb sometimes dont you. you cant tell me, that you do not know, the effect you have on me, the provocative things you say, all the teases, all the teases, my god, even as im furious crying typing this tome, writing that-- "teases", thinking about your TEASING, makes me fucking just (@)*#$ need to take a break with a curling iron and a cold shower-- i really-- i need to stop writing right now.
you know
ok
so the only thing i cant figure out. the only thing i really dont know. is your motivation.
are you just, going along for kicks. teasing me to spice things up for yourself and keep me hanging all over you. careless and thoughtless as to how it will end? just not thinking that far ahead?
if i leave, will you care, if i leave, which i will, if i leave you as a patient will you leave me as a person. if i stop paying you. is it over. this great connection. is it all just fucking over. fucking over. will you never %$*@ me into sanity. i need it. but whatever. you dont like that, you dont like that kind of talk, i dont either, but by god, at this point. by fucking god.
and theres only a certain amount of ignorance you can plausibly plead. because you do know me, even if i know nothing of you. you know my obsessive brain. you know that i've thought this through. you know that i've considered that maybe, i just need the confidence to walk out your fucking door, in order to be in your life. and that im also terribly afraid that walking out your door is walking out of your life. because that is the implication, isnt it. "but this IS therapy, that's what this IS" you said once. yeah. but ive thought that. and i want it. whatever it means. whether it means, once, or twice, or just meeting you for a coffee at some dumpy dingy place where no one will see us or walking down Central Park South with my arm around your waist, whether it means hanging around waiting for you the way i am right now, with the same strict, minimal schedule, or not, i want it, i want it, i want YOU, i dont want to be sitting at a distance and FUCKING PAYING YOU like the idiots at the CLUB pay ME to talk to to me for 20 minutes. and that despite everything you said, oh forget it. forget it.
and you? haven't thought this out at all? or do you think you know me so well by now that you know i can take all your careless playing and still be fine, take another huge disappointment, take being carved in half and walk upright. and no, dear, no. you are NOT, you are NOT helping me find a future relationship. you are NOT, showing me what it CAN be like for next time. because there will never be this again. there is no other you, there is no other now, there is no next time, there is no fucking tuesday.
and furthermore, after experiencing, YOU, experiencing, our conversations, our connection, and haven't end in the worst fucking pain, the blinding fucking pain of right now, I don't think I will want anything like it. i think after being built up and torn down by you, being made to believe for CERTAIN that i'm delusional, seeing the angel become the devil before my eyes, seeing that,
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
that's what i will KNOW in my body to be true, if i walk out your door as you nod and say nothing, and nothing, and nothing to me ever again
and MAYBE you told me your story------- now maybe you told me your story to prepare me for being so hurt that i will call down the quarters and the guardians of the watchtowers and invoke the spirit and wish upon the universe to bring you harm.
maybe you wanted me to know thats how this will end.
but it wont julian. i dont think it will end right now at all. i really dont in my heart of hearts believe it.
and if it does, i will walkaround jawdropped at your cruelty, but i will understand, because i'm sure i have been unintentionally cruel. i know i have. and i know im forgiven because to them i am beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and to me you are beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and i will never wish you harm. every moment of every day i wish nothing but good for you and you should KNOW that and you should FEEL that and you should be THANKFUL for that. because i also know how to destroy. but i do not destroy people, everyone whom i have hurt somehow has come out stronger, and the only person i destroy is myself. and you saw that very early on. and it's sad to me and i want to be kind to myself like you told me to. and you told me to be kind to myself. and i will always love you. and you have taught me a lot. and i know that my love for you is beautiful, and that its mine, and you cant take it away from me. but perhaps all this teaching has caused the soul to learn away a lot of its joy.
maybe when i see you on friday you will stonewall me, mock me, lie to me, slap me in the face. and maybe i will lock eyes with you and melt, melt in your radiance, but i will solidify I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH and Julian, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS. and i am not asking you for anything. you say, whatever the fuck you want to say. you always do anyway.
so now are you starting to see the shapes? are you starting to see the shape of things to come? the way they always fit so perfectly right? you were away and i was alone and i was sad and sad and sad and i was excited for you to come back and you would have come back and WHAT. i would have sat there, blushing and giggling and crying as you teased me or ignored me or shared just enough of yourself to wake my sleeping heart? no. no, no, that would be shapeless. that would be utterly lacking in form. to walk, two days before your return, into a relative stranger and find out that maybe-- to be jolted awake by that instead?
that's formal.
that's shapely.
whatever you do you know that you are the only person i've ever been able to share this with, and that without that, without you, without you, without you now, here, out here, out here after having that and after, right after, right after the last time i saw you i thought i have shared it all with someone now---and he glows gold onto every corner of my mind and i...
do you see colors julian
tell me
tell me when you see me please
if im still red and white and violet
if i still glow at all
now that ive drugged myself into some numb stupor i'm giving you the benefit of advance warning, as i always do, so that you can come prepared with your explanations. don't know why i do this. i just cant help spilling i suppose. to you. to other people, i manage to keep my mouth relatively shut, examples as follows:
today i was talking to a person, about people in hollywood talking about movies, and said something about "the place next door to my shrink". this person said, "oh you go to a therapist next door?" i said "well yeah i go to therapist but i meant this coffee place there not next door to here" and they said "oh cuz im looking for one close by" i said "oh well its pretty close its down near broad street in ridgeway" and they said "oh, do you see julian darcy?" and i said, "yeah!" and they said "oh i went to him for a while!" and i said oh yeah, he's great, and they said yeah, he's very intelligent and he's beautiful, and i of course agreed, enthusiastically, and i said yeah i'm sort of head over for him-- keeping it really light-- and they said, aw, really? and i said OH yeah. and they said well stop seeing him as a therapist and date him! and i said yeah right he's married with children. again, this was all very light. the person said, he's not married. i said yeah, he is, the person said, no, i asked him, he said he was like single... unless it was in the last, like, couple years...
i said- out of some (perhaps unwarranted) loyalty and respect for you-- oh yeah it was really recently he had a child. and they said oh ok, so he met someone and got married wow.
so that was that. you can imagine julian. how i must feel right now. out of some loyalty and respect for you, and characteristic disrespect for myself, i'm telling myself you told me this, to try to get me to get over you. instead of just telling me whatever the truth is. or maybe you tell other people, you don't tell them about your family, to protect them? but it seems a little extreme. this person is not tony soprano, or a serial killer.
why would you lie to me about this? why would... it's really very insulting if you did that. it's really, really insulting. it's condescending. you really think it was something to protect my feelings or help me some how? that you would have to lie to me? how can i trust you now? what are you doing, what are you thinking, what's going on in that head of yours. i don't know you at all. i don't know who you are.
even before this totally random (and yet formally perfect, as in the PERFECT FUCKING SHAPE) i started thinking, i really can't be your patient anymore. i can't do it. i love you, and i want you, and i don't want you to pretend to be this objective witness/soundingboard/hotline anymore, and i dont, deep down, believe that it's completely one-sided, it just does not feel that way, and there are so many innuendos and so much subtext and when i tell you that and you just blatantly look me in the eye and deny that, it is insulting, and it is reckless, and it is hurtful. and i cant see it as excusable unless you have some EMOTION toward me too. if you dont, and you are completely coolly and carelessly toying with my head because you find it amusing, unaware of the hurt you will ultimately cause, you are a selfish and thoughtless person and everything i thought about you is wrong.
but i realized, a litte ways into this little vacation of yours, that i cannot see you as a therapist. it reduces my life to two hours a week. that i'm paying money for. and not getting anything in return. it feels like i am, but i'm not. you have helped me with things, you really did for a while, and for a while it's just been me wanting to see you, because i dont want to lose you. because im so afraid of losing you. but i cant go on like this.
if you really as you say just have no interest in knowing me, outside of that room, then i guess i will have to swallow that fucking bullet, better now than later. better now than later. my life is on standstill.
you know. you've probably known for a while, how hard and far i have FALLEN for you. maybe you dont. maybe you think i'm also just playing around like you are. for some distraction.
I DONT KNOW.
I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING STORY IS JULIAN
but you better explain it to me. if you have any shred of decency, or respect for me, or compassion, you better explain it to me, and you better not lie to my face-- if you were lying about your marriage, or your family, just tell me flat out, give me your reasons, i will accept them, you know, i think so highly of you, i adore you, and at least i thought i understood you, so i really will understand-- and if you just thought it would hurt my feelings to say you aren't attracted to me or interested in me then SAY IT.
god, i am not stupid. i am not stupid. i notice the caution you've used with your words. i know there are certain things you cannot say. i know when you're being ambiguous. i know there are certain things you HAVENT said. and there are certain 6th sense sort of visions " " (yeah i'm a fucking crazy moron, shoot me, and fuck yourself) i have about you- your personal life- your family situation. and at the risk of sounding HAUGHTY to use your word, or narcissistic, i mean WHAT A FUCKING FOOL, how i PUT MYSELF on the fucking LEDGE for you??? how much i have been a FOOL over you, for you, risked every shred of dignity for you??? and this is how, rather, this is how you DONT reciprocate?
so i am NOT a narcissist. i know i have HUMILITY. and i used to have GRACE. and now i don't know WHERE that's gone. but at the risk of sounding narcissistic, i KNOW you are attracted to me, i know you LET me know that, i know at one point you didnt, and then you did, and then you didnt, and there are unsaid understandings between us, and normally when i mention them in the emails, the next time i see you you act like a complete cold, distant asshole, as if to rid me of any confidence i have that there's ANYTHING mutual, and i'm SICK of it. i've had just about enough. i KNOW that i play these games with you, and i KNOW that you play them with me. and i know that youve never done or said anything- because youre very clever- that could ever definitely, without a doubt, make me sure. and fuck, i'll be honest, it's hot, i admire, and am extremely turned on, by how clever you are. and the fact that every time i go out on a limb like this, i have to think, god, if i'm wrong, i am SUCH an asshole, and god, of course i'm wrong, and god, i am SUCH an asshole, and then I START BEATING MYSELF TO A BLOODY PULP over it, how delusional, and stupid, and unattractive, and ridiculous i am.
IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT
you're not stupid either. you play dumb sometimes dont you. you cant tell me, that you do not know, the effect you have on me, the provocative things you say, all the teases, all the teases, my god, even as im furious crying typing this tome, writing that-- "teases", thinking about your TEASING, makes me fucking just (@)*#$ need to take a break with a curling iron and a cold shower-- i really-- i need to stop writing right now.
you know
ok
so the only thing i cant figure out. the only thing i really dont know. is your motivation.
are you just, going along for kicks. teasing me to spice things up for yourself and keep me hanging all over you. careless and thoughtless as to how it will end? just not thinking that far ahead?
if i leave, will you care, if i leave, which i will, if i leave you as a patient will you leave me as a person. if i stop paying you. is it over. this great connection. is it all just fucking over. fucking over. will you never %$*@ me into sanity. i need it. but whatever. you dont like that, you dont like that kind of talk, i dont either, but by god, at this point. by fucking god.
and theres only a certain amount of ignorance you can plausibly plead. because you do know me, even if i know nothing of you. you know my obsessive brain. you know that i've thought this through. you know that i've considered that maybe, i just need the confidence to walk out your fucking door, in order to be in your life. and that im also terribly afraid that walking out your door is walking out of your life. because that is the implication, isnt it. "but this IS therapy, that's what this IS" you said once. yeah. but ive thought that. and i want it. whatever it means. whether it means, once, or twice, or just meeting you for a coffee at some dumpy dingy place where no one will see us or walking down Central Park South with my arm around your waist, whether it means hanging around waiting for you the way i am right now, with the same strict, minimal schedule, or not, i want it, i want it, i want YOU, i dont want to be sitting at a distance and FUCKING PAYING YOU like the idiots at the CLUB pay ME to talk to to me for 20 minutes. and that despite everything you said, oh forget it. forget it.
and you? haven't thought this out at all? or do you think you know me so well by now that you know i can take all your careless playing and still be fine, take another huge disappointment, take being carved in half and walk upright. and no, dear, no. you are NOT, you are NOT helping me find a future relationship. you are NOT, showing me what it CAN be like for next time. because there will never be this again. there is no other you, there is no other now, there is no next time, there is no fucking tuesday.
and furthermore, after experiencing, YOU, experiencing, our conversations, our connection, and haven't end in the worst fucking pain, the blinding fucking pain of right now, I don't think I will want anything like it. i think after being built up and torn down by you, being made to believe for CERTAIN that i'm delusional, seeing the angel become the devil before my eyes, seeing that,
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
that's what i will KNOW in my body to be true, if i walk out your door as you nod and say nothing, and nothing, and nothing to me ever again
and MAYBE you told me your story------- now maybe you told me your story to prepare me for being so hurt that i will call down the quarters and the guardians of the watchtowers and invoke the spirit and wish upon the universe to bring you harm.
maybe you wanted me to know thats how this will end.
but it wont julian. i dont think it will end right now at all. i really dont in my heart of hearts believe it.
and if it does, i will walkaround jawdropped at your cruelty, but i will understand, because i'm sure i have been unintentionally cruel. i know i have. and i know im forgiven because to them i am beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and to me you are beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and i will never wish you harm. every moment of every day i wish nothing but good for you and you should KNOW that and you should FEEL that and you should be THANKFUL for that. because i also know how to destroy. but i do not destroy people, everyone whom i have hurt somehow has come out stronger, and the only person i destroy is myself. and you saw that very early on. and it's sad to me and i want to be kind to myself like you told me to. and you told me to be kind to myself. and i will always love you. and you have taught me a lot. and i know that my love for you is beautiful, and that its mine, and you cant take it away from me. but perhaps all this teaching has caused the soul to learn away a lot of its joy.
maybe when i see you on friday you will stonewall me, mock me, lie to me, slap me in the face. and maybe i will lock eyes with you and melt, melt in your radiance, but i will solidify I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH and Julian, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS. and i am not asking you for anything. you say, whatever the fuck you want to say. you always do anyway.
so now are you starting to see the shapes? are you starting to see the shape of things to come? the way they always fit so perfectly right? you were away and i was alone and i was sad and sad and sad and i was excited for you to come back and you would have come back and WHAT. i would have sat there, blushing and giggling and crying as you teased me or ignored me or shared just enough of yourself to wake my sleeping heart? no. no, no, that would be shapeless. that would be utterly lacking in form. to walk, two days before your return, into a relative stranger and find out that maybe-- to be jolted awake by that instead?
that's formal.
that's shapely.
whatever you do you know that you are the only person i've ever been able to share this with, and that without that, without you, without you, without you now, here, out here, out here after having that and after, right after, right after the last time i saw you i thought i have shared it all with someone now---and he glows gold onto every corner of my mind and i...
do you see colors julian
tell me
tell me when you see me please
if im still red and white and violet
if i still glow at all
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
i'm fine now.
JB's phonecall last night sorta set me straight
I'm BUSY. I'm busy with people taking photos of me... and trying to book shows... cleaning up my messes... trying to keep friends... reading my bible (Infinite Jest)... planning to go to the club... wandering around, just a little, in places where Julian goes, even though he's not here, maybe it's symbolic of my desire for unrequite... being rather unbright... collecting.
i've given up on magic sometime back
it doesn't seem to work for me
biweekly my sexual needs get taken care of, by P and all... i have to say, he does a damn fine job, i'm not even always fantasizing about Jul anymore, cuz it's really good, it's making me like him, cuz he just tells me what to do. he's married as well. patterns. patterns shapes and forms.
Naima's back on the team. we're about to go on nighthike where julian told me to go.
he kept saying, I go there sometimes and its really nice and that little coffee place there is really good too,
and then he also kept saying, Well, I've never been personally--
and then out of thin air he told me he didn't have a Facebook account. I said Jul you are all over the place-- under my breath-- he said, what? he blushed because it was the first time I called him Jul-- I said Nothing, and he said No no what did you-- No really, never mind, it was bullshit-- Okay, fine. --Okay, cool. I laughed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The gay couple next door to me are the BOMB. now its me and them against the stupid building. the stupid building tried to get me to pay for the damage caused by some leaky old pipes. they said it was because my toilet was broken and kept running water all the time.
i said how in the name of god was i supposed to know, let alone be responsible for this garbage?
they said It was your responsibility to report it.
I said, but I didn't know about it.
They said, well, but you were supposed to report it.
I said, SIGH.
I said, I'm not a plumber and the pipes are rotten and that's not my responsibility Alberto.
He said The pipes aren't rotten.
I thought, he hasn't checked the goddamn pipes. I said Whatever. I'm not paying this.
Then I knocked on Mike and Matt's door and went in there and ranted about the stupidity of this whole thing, and they told me that the fat lards downstairs said their floor caved in. And I said how could the water cave a floor in? And Matt said in a stage whisper-- Theyre REALLY heavy. And then they told me that the goddamn pipes were so broken in THEIR apartment the main broke 3 times. And that I should write the fuckers a letter and that they would sign their names on it. Then Mike gave me some xanax to chill out and told me not to tell Matt though. And then we went to Subway.
I'm BUSY. I'm busy with people taking photos of me... and trying to book shows... cleaning up my messes... trying to keep friends... reading my bible (Infinite Jest)... planning to go to the club... wandering around, just a little, in places where Julian goes, even though he's not here, maybe it's symbolic of my desire for unrequite... being rather unbright... collecting.
i've given up on magic sometime back
it doesn't seem to work for me
biweekly my sexual needs get taken care of, by P and all... i have to say, he does a damn fine job, i'm not even always fantasizing about Jul anymore, cuz it's really good, it's making me like him, cuz he just tells me what to do. he's married as well. patterns. patterns shapes and forms.
Naima's back on the team. we're about to go on nighthike where julian told me to go.
he kept saying, I go there sometimes and its really nice and that little coffee place there is really good too,
and then he also kept saying, Well, I've never been personally--
and then out of thin air he told me he didn't have a Facebook account. I said Jul you are all over the place-- under my breath-- he said, what? he blushed because it was the first time I called him Jul-- I said Nothing, and he said No no what did you-- No really, never mind, it was bullshit-- Okay, fine. --Okay, cool. I laughed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The gay couple next door to me are the BOMB. now its me and them against the stupid building. the stupid building tried to get me to pay for the damage caused by some leaky old pipes. they said it was because my toilet was broken and kept running water all the time.
i said how in the name of god was i supposed to know, let alone be responsible for this garbage?
they said It was your responsibility to report it.
I said, but I didn't know about it.
They said, well, but you were supposed to report it.
I said, SIGH.
I said, I'm not a plumber and the pipes are rotten and that's not my responsibility Alberto.
He said The pipes aren't rotten.
I thought, he hasn't checked the goddamn pipes. I said Whatever. I'm not paying this.
Then I knocked on Mike and Matt's door and went in there and ranted about the stupidity of this whole thing, and they told me that the fat lards downstairs said their floor caved in. And I said how could the water cave a floor in? And Matt said in a stage whisper-- Theyre REALLY heavy. And then they told me that the goddamn pipes were so broken in THEIR apartment the main broke 3 times. And that I should write the fuckers a letter and that they would sign their names on it. Then Mike gave me some xanax to chill out and told me not to tell Matt though. And then we went to Subway.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Subj:
I wrote him something about Ramanujan... as well as some other stuff... when I got home. I know I said I stopped writing him. I lied. I mean, I did for a while...
It was... about Ramanujan and... other stuff and... I sent him a link to a video of one of my shows someone posted up... and I asked, well, mused, about whether he even received the e-mail... and he responded:
Subj: The woman who knew infinity
Yes I did get this. I can still call you tomorrow if you want. Let me know in the morning.
J
It was... about Ramanujan and... other stuff and... I sent him a link to a video of one of my shows someone posted up... and I asked, well, mused, about whether he even received the e-mail... and he responded:
Subj: The woman who knew infinity
Yes I did get this. I can still call you tomorrow if you want. Let me know in the morning.
J
Monday, July 12, 2010
sik poetix
I know the first step is to Close All Tabs.
I know the second is to Exit Aim.
I know the third is turn off all the lights and the fourth is to lie down. Comfortably.
There's mud in my brain and chocolate cake in my belly, and 150 ccs of cerebrospinal fluid in my brain and 1500 extra kcals in my belly.
I'm so sick and antsy, I want to go running, I wanted to go to work, Vinnie called me, but I'm SICK. I really am, I have like, swollen glands...
I'm so sad and antsy, I want to write Julian because he inspired my thoughts but it just seems such a stupid thing to do, and I'm SICK and full and antsy.
I took a sleeping pill, I hope it works when it kicks in.
I'm worried about the truth and I hope it soon sinks in.
I'm feeling uninspired and I'm feeling kinda dim, and I want to watch a movie but my legs won't stop kicking.
The only way to get these legs to stop is to tire them out, but the rest of my body is tired as it is. I feel really sick and kinda like I'm gonna throw up and I want this person to help me I want to talk to him this person who I want to help me but I have to cut that tie, when I see him tomorrow, if I can refrain from writing him tonight.
I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me when I'm gone.
I know the second is to Exit Aim.
I know the third is turn off all the lights and the fourth is to lie down. Comfortably.
There's mud in my brain and chocolate cake in my belly, and 150 ccs of cerebrospinal fluid in my brain and 1500 extra kcals in my belly.
I'm so sick and antsy, I want to go running, I wanted to go to work, Vinnie called me, but I'm SICK. I really am, I have like, swollen glands...
I'm so sad and antsy, I want to write Julian because he inspired my thoughts but it just seems such a stupid thing to do, and I'm SICK and full and antsy.
I took a sleeping pill, I hope it works when it kicks in.
I'm worried about the truth and I hope it soon sinks in.
I'm feeling uninspired and I'm feeling kinda dim, and I want to watch a movie but my legs won't stop kicking.
The only way to get these legs to stop is to tire them out, but the rest of my body is tired as it is. I feel really sick and kinda like I'm gonna throw up and I want this person to help me I want to talk to him this person who I want to help me but I have to cut that tie, when I see him tomorrow, if I can refrain from writing him tonight.
I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me when I'm gone.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Bonkers, Brilliant, or Brave?
from another letter to julian, from last night. i saw him today. nothing happened, but, it's always good to see him...
"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.
so i cant say i blame you jd
Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.
and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.
and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...
and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............
you want to kill me right now dont you.
if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.
oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless
good night
love
s"
bonkers, brilliant or brave?
"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.
so i cant say i blame you jd
Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.
and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.
and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...
and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............
you want to kill me right now dont you.
if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.
oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless
good night
love
s"
bonkers, brilliant or brave?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I haven't said anything...
About Julian.
I've gotten it in my head that he isn't interested in me. Or rather. Is interested, and is interested in flirting, and seeing me. But nothing beyond that. I really have.
These last few weeks, when everything's been so hard, and I've felt so lonely, he's just been like, my best friend, and my source of strength, and sanity, and perspective, and self-esteem... I mean he's been helpful like a therapist should be, and I mean not just with psychological stuff, but like, he's helped me figure out how to do things, take care of things, plan them, the car stuff and the errands and financial issues... He's a sweetie. And I love him.
I gave him a check like, two weeks ago... for the co-pays cuz he said that month was all covered... He hasn't cashed it. I haven't said anything about it and neither has he, but, he hasn't... and I wanted to stop going, and cancel, this month, when I was freaking out about money and he said we can do a payment plan and don't worry about it.
On Friday after the session he went to Table Top to get coffee and I ran into him outside.
He saw me walking toward my car but I didn't see him but by the time I did I was half in it and could only yell Julian!! Hey!! And he kind of stopped but I was like in my car and all I could say was, Look see this is my car.... Pretty bad right? And he laughed but was like walking so I just fully got in the car...
And yesterday he lent me his sunglasses. And Eckhart Tolle CD. Though I asked for that... but with the sunglasses, I'd been crying--- I was REALLY upset yesterday--- and was wiping up my mascara and said, Oh, this is fine, til the bathroom right? And he nodded, but then he got up and said, here, need sunglasses? And laughed... So I have them... Until Friday...
That's what's been going on with Julian.
I don't expect anything to happen. I really love him a lot. That's it.
I've gotten it in my head that he isn't interested in me. Or rather. Is interested, and is interested in flirting, and seeing me. But nothing beyond that. I really have.
These last few weeks, when everything's been so hard, and I've felt so lonely, he's just been like, my best friend, and my source of strength, and sanity, and perspective, and self-esteem... I mean he's been helpful like a therapist should be, and I mean not just with psychological stuff, but like, he's helped me figure out how to do things, take care of things, plan them, the car stuff and the errands and financial issues... He's a sweetie. And I love him.
I gave him a check like, two weeks ago... for the co-pays cuz he said that month was all covered... He hasn't cashed it. I haven't said anything about it and neither has he, but, he hasn't... and I wanted to stop going, and cancel, this month, when I was freaking out about money and he said we can do a payment plan and don't worry about it.
On Friday after the session he went to Table Top to get coffee and I ran into him outside.
He saw me walking toward my car but I didn't see him but by the time I did I was half in it and could only yell Julian!! Hey!! And he kind of stopped but I was like in my car and all I could say was, Look see this is my car.... Pretty bad right? And he laughed but was like walking so I just fully got in the car...
And yesterday he lent me his sunglasses. And Eckhart Tolle CD. Though I asked for that... but with the sunglasses, I'd been crying--- I was REALLY upset yesterday--- and was wiping up my mascara and said, Oh, this is fine, til the bathroom right? And he nodded, but then he got up and said, here, need sunglasses? And laughed... So I have them... Until Friday...
That's what's been going on with Julian.
I don't expect anything to happen. I really love him a lot. That's it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Prelude to Uh...
Mmmh, sunshine lollipops.
I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.
We talked about that some.
I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...
His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.
And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.
And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...
How are they consuming?
It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...
And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...
And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,
But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...
I try.
And you're able to, push through, and get things done.
Yes, slowly...
So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...
I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...
I sort of beamed, Oh!
I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?
No, it's Paco de Lucia.
Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.
I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?
No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?
Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...
Oh, I can't, on this thing...
Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?
No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...
And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,
Oh! That sounds exactly like it!
And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?
And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-
Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-
I said No, no, it's a similar style-
In Spain there is that musical tradition-
It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-
Oh! Really?
From when I was like four-
Oh,
But I mean Gipsy Kings...
Are from France right?
Like- between-
The Basque region...
Yeah, but...
It is in-
They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-
Oh, really?
Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...
Oh right, A Mi Manera...
Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?
:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::
Oh here's your-
Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.
Yes.
I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.
We talked about that some.
I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...
His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.
And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.
And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...
How are they consuming?
It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...
And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...
And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,
But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...
I try.
And you're able to, push through, and get things done.
Yes, slowly...
So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...
I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...
I sort of beamed, Oh!
I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?
No, it's Paco de Lucia.
Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.
I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?
No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?
Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...
Oh, I can't, on this thing...
Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?
No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...
And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,
Oh! That sounds exactly like it!
And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?
And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-
Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-
I said No, no, it's a similar style-
In Spain there is that musical tradition-
It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-
Oh! Really?
From when I was like four-
Oh,
But I mean Gipsy Kings...
Are from France right?
Like- between-
The Basque region...
Yeah, but...
It is in-
They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-
Oh, really?
Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...
Oh right, A Mi Manera...
Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?
:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::
Oh here's your-
Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.
Yes.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Beautiful calm driving.
P called me while I was at work, I finally just got myself to GO.
I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.
What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.
So that's where I'm at.
But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.
I'm gonna do it.
I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.
And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.
I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.
What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.
So that's where I'm at.
But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.
I'm gonna do it.
I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.
And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
UM
Today I shifted forward in my seat slightly to sit up a little straighter because I felt I was slouching and you INSTANTLY retreated and moved your entire chair back, and I even INSTANTLIER heaved myself over to the VEEEERY end of the couch away from you and just shook my head and scoffed, midway through my sentence, and i didn't even look up at you as I did it, or after I did it, or move back, I just went right on talking and not looking at you, as we played Chicken, and it was like playing with a sign that said "Don't Play Chicken With Cars. The Cars Will Win." And it was, okay, how far are we gonna take this okay, Dare! Dare! Dare! DARE. DARE.
Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....
Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.
I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.
Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.
Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.
There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?
Um... well...
I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.
I am!
Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?
Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?
::smirk:: I mean if you are, I haven't heard anything about them.
::stifled smirk:: Really?
Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?
Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...
I see. Is that getting worse?
::nod:: Yes.
Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--
BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,
Can I see that book by the way?
Here--- ::gives it:: For example, I read this and it was so obvious to me what the shape was about. And everyone was like, Oh that ending was such a copout! And I was just like, no, I mean, that was the entire POINT, and-- that's not the one I wanted to give you-- that's the one I'm talking about now--
I know. ::reading in the middle::
Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...
::as though not listening. Beat. Gives back book.::
SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.
::nodding:: So...?
So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...
Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.
Ah- right... Yeah.
But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--
Ha!
Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---
::::::tone break, as J describes his shrink friend and why they like each other, emphasis on individual strengths... expounds on history of certain Central Asian country genocide and residual resultant cultural side effects... S laughs, waxes pharmaceutical, ties to Psych class, tonight's exam at bowling alley. J gets a helluva kick out of this. Apologizes for laughing. ("I'm sorry it's just... It's just surreal, actually, it's really Napoleon Dynamite, I mean the test at the bowling alley? Naturally! Sorry for making light of it... What? Is there a malevolent subtext I'm missing?") ::::::::::::::
So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?
Um...
I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...
Well...
Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--
Okay. Okay.
Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::
:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?
Yes?
Can you give me his number?
Sorry?
The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?
Oh, sure.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....
Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.
I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.
Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.
Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.
There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?
Um... well...
I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.
I am!
Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?
Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?
::stifled smirk:: Really?
Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?
Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...
I see. Is that getting worse?
::nod:: Yes.
Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--
BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,
Can I see that book by the way?
Here--- ::gives it::
I know. ::reading in the middle::
Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...
SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.
So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...
Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.
Ah- right... Yeah.
But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--
Ha!
Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---
So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?
Um...
I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...
Well...
Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--
Okay. Okay.
Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::
:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?
Yes?
Can you give me his number?
Sorry?
The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?
Oh, sure.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, May 21, 2010
Sex List
I'm gonna give another nod to gabbyfox my blogger crush- hey Gabby I'm sorry for misspelling your name before I'm like LD and all that, and for ripping off things you've said twice, and now three times, I always cite, but you're like- in my dreams I am the slutty uneducated you- and, faced with the dilemma of do I want to be with you or do I want to BE you I opt for the former. truly. imitation is the most sincere form of... you get it.
but anyway. here i take inventory of men and stuff. cuz it seems like a good idea.
so i dunno i guess from like, new years on? I was
1- In Cabo with M, known him for years but, took me to Cabo, luxury everything, gave me money, paintings, flowers, wanted me to "be [his] girl" and "my girl would never have to work." SIGH. Blew him off, in Julian's office, during a session, via text, as J dictated, and I, verbatim, transcribed.
2- Hmmm does anyone else remember?? God, is this a list of people I've kissed or who've asked me out or people I've slept with only?? I'm gonna wing it...... Eamonn. The Homeless Professor. See Homeless Professor blog for details. Musician, professor, host of open mic where I performed regularly, attractive, and homeless.
3- Ummm, married obnoxious TV writer whose show just got canceled and who reads this blog. Dude. Your WIFE to whom you were supposedly estranged texted me pretending to be YOU. We just kissed though. Yeah you thought I was gonna let you in my apartment after you took me to a bar one night? Whaddya nuts?
4- Well, consistently, and an awesome person, it's just sex, pretty regularly, my f-buddy, P. And actually, we talk about serious stuff. We're there for each other and he helps me w/ rent. No. I am not a hooker, thanks. We were dating normally. And then all this stuff happened. And now he has a girlfriend, who I like a lot, but still wants to see me and he's smart and really funny and just has his shit together and helps pay my rent. SORRY PEOPLE. It's like, EVOLUTIONARY PSYCHOLOGY 101.
5- Ummm, oh. VampirefromRomania who I was in love with and ended being an ass. I forgot what everybody's fake name was if I even gave them one. I don't even know if I wrote about him. That was like a month ago. Well we first met in October at the club. I REALLY liked him. And then he went back to Transylvania. And I waited and waited. And when he came back I was overit. I'm very attracted to him, we relate, I trust him cuz he's a thug and a vampire, he gets my music, he can be a child, he's not good in bed, and it didn't happen this time. End of story.
*Edit- 8- DATERAPE NECRO GUY
6- Zillionaire M who I was seeing but never even really kissed. Blew him off recently. Apologized but still haven't gotten together again...
7- Seven, one, infinity. JD. Never touched. Had telepathicroomsex.
Sooooooo.. actually slept with three people this year. Soulcount: Three also, but a different three.
but anyway. here i take inventory of men and stuff. cuz it seems like a good idea.
so i dunno i guess from like, new years on? I was
1- In Cabo with M, known him for years but, took me to Cabo, luxury everything, gave me money, paintings, flowers, wanted me to "be [his] girl" and "my girl would never have to work." SIGH. Blew him off, in Julian's office, during a session, via text, as J dictated, and I, verbatim, transcribed.
2- Hmmm does anyone else remember?? God, is this a list of people I've kissed or who've asked me out or people I've slept with only?? I'm gonna wing it...... Eamonn. The Homeless Professor. See Homeless Professor blog for details. Musician, professor, host of open mic where I performed regularly, attractive, and homeless.
3- Ummm, married obnoxious TV writer whose show just got canceled and who reads this blog. Dude. Your WIFE to whom you were supposedly estranged texted me pretending to be YOU. We just kissed though. Yeah you thought I was gonna let you in my apartment after you took me to a bar one night? Whaddya nuts?
4- Well, consistently, and an awesome person, it's just sex, pretty regularly, my f-buddy, P. And actually, we talk about serious stuff. We're there for each other and he helps me w/ rent. No. I am not a hooker, thanks. We were dating normally. And then all this stuff happened. And now he has a girlfriend, who I like a lot, but still wants to see me and he's smart and really funny and just has his shit together and helps pay my rent. SORRY PEOPLE. It's like, EVOLUTIONARY PSYCHOLOGY 101.
5- Ummm, oh. VampirefromRomania who I was in love with and ended being an ass. I forgot what everybody's fake name was if I even gave them one. I don't even know if I wrote about him. That was like a month ago. Well we first met in October at the club. I REALLY liked him. And then he went back to Transylvania. And I waited and waited. And when he came back I was overit. I'm very attracted to him, we relate, I trust him cuz he's a thug and a vampire, he gets my music, he can be a child, he's not good in bed, and it didn't happen this time. End of story.
*Edit- 8- DATERAPE NECRO GUY
6- Zillionaire M who I was seeing but never even really kissed. Blew him off recently. Apologized but still haven't gotten together again...
7- Seven, one, infinity. JD. Never touched. Had telepathicroomsex.
Sooooooo.. actually slept with three people this year. Soulcount: Three also, but a different three.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Brrrring brrrring.
I was not expecting a call today... Or ever... And yet:
S: Who's this?
J: Hi, Scarlet, it's Julian..
S: Oh.. Hi...
J: Hi...
S: ................................
J: I was just calling to see how you're doing...
S: That's generous.
J: Scarlet.
S: ..................................
J: You've written some really--
S: Oh, yeah, I wanted to take back a whole bunch of things.
J: The good things or the bad things?
S: The bad things. I just. I see it all now, I see it all from you perspective.
J: You do?
S: No.
J: (laughs.) Well... There are some issues between us that have come up, that we haven't addressed, and I think we should, I just wanted to get a fair chance to.
S: Right now?
J: No, not right now--
S: WHEN.
J: Are you coming in this week?
S: Yes... Though it's going to all start getting very expensive at the end of the month isn't it?
J: We can sort that out, we can work something out, I--
S: It will still be expensive.
J: It will be fine.
S: I can't AFFORD IT-
J: It's not an ISSUE, Scarlet.
S: ...................................................................................
J: So I'll see you... on Tuesday? Or Friday?
S: Friday..
J: Okay.
.............................................................SIGH..............................................................
S: Who's this?
J: Hi, Scarlet, it's Julian..
S: Oh.. Hi...
J: Hi...
S: ................................
J: I was just calling to see how you're doing...
S: That's generous.
J: Scarlet.
S: ..................................
J: You've written some really--
S: Oh, yeah, I wanted to take back a whole bunch of things.
J: The good things or the bad things?
S: The bad things. I just. I see it all now, I see it all from you perspective.
J: You do?
S: No.
J: (laughs.) Well... There are some issues between us that have come up, that we haven't addressed, and I think we should, I just wanted to get a fair chance to.
S: Right now?
J: No, not right now--
S: WHEN.
J: Are you coming in this week?
S: Yes... Though it's going to all start getting very expensive at the end of the month isn't it?
J: We can sort that out, we can work something out, I--
S: It will still be expensive.
J: It will be fine.
S: I can't AFFORD IT-
J: It's not an ISSUE, Scarlet.
S: ...................................................................................
J: So I'll see you... on Tuesday? Or Friday?
S: Friday..
J: Okay.
.............................................................SIGH..............................................................
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tomorrow at 5.
So in response to my e-mails he moved my appointment from Friday at 2 to tomorrow at 6.
And had the secretary call me.
I like it. I like his style. We would've been awkward over the phone. He knows what he's doing. Hehe.
And had the secretary call me.
I like it. I like his style. We would've been awkward over the phone. He knows what he's doing. Hehe.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Brrrring brrrring.
(Brrrring Brrrring!)
Hello.
Hi Scarlet.
Hi.
So. What can I do for you.
What can you do for me...
Yes.
I just wanted to... talk to you I guess...
Anything in particular? I'm in the middle of some things...
Umm... No, no, I guess not.
Okay... (sigh.) Well... I guess we'll see each other on Friday?
Yes do you have any openings before then?
Oh, yeah, I'll see, I don't right now, but I can let you know if I do-
Please do...
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
-----------GOD i'm such a CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!---------------------
Hello.
Hi Scarlet.
Hi.
So. What can I do for you.
What can you do for me...
Yes.
I just wanted to... talk to you I guess...
Anything in particular? I'm in the middle of some things...
Umm... No, no, I guess not.
Okay... (sigh.) Well... I guess we'll see each other on Friday?
Yes do you have any openings before then?
Oh, yeah, I'll see, I don't right now, but I can let you know if I do-
Please do...
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
-----------GOD i'm such a CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!---------------------
CrazyTelepathRoomSex
Oh, my dearest God. I just had crazy-telepath room-sex. With Julian. As he stared me down for an hour slightly smirking shifting his legs around close to me then back and biting his lip and I stared him back down and then he kept staring definitely winning the crazytelepathroomsex award and doing it veeeeeeeeery deliberately and asking me Aren't you going to verbalize what you're thinking and I said No and then I said I'm tense and then I said And you're making me tenser and he said How am I doing that and I said the way you're looking at me as he was looking me up and down and straight and enjoying the hell out of it as I squeezed my legs together and then his pillow and trembled and flushed and blushed into a sweat and said Ohgod and he said What and he would slowly ask me some question and watch as I blanked and sighed and whenever I talked about anything he deliberately looked bored and I just wrote him to please call me please and if he does what do I say. What do I say. What do I say. Hey Julian whaaaaaaaaatareyoudoing. What are you doing. If there's gonna be crazytelepathroomsex can you at least call me a cab after cuz I can't fuckin' drive right now thanks-much.
WHAT the F?????
WHAT the F?????
Re:
Wheeeee. Hi beautiful. I almost made it. Without writing you since Friday... Just 10 hours to go.
But there are ghosts in here. Madeline sees them and I feel them. So I have to talk to you. Till they go away. I like seeing your name up there... In my Recipient line. To: To you. It's like a name from Jane Austen. I've told you before? It's unreal and unbelievable like you. Unreal and unbelievable. Somebody's sooooooooooo damn lucky.
I'm a bit intoxicated. I don't want to say too much here. I want to talk to you in person, with all the magic chemicals floating around between us, your blue and white and my red and blue shots of waterflames, watercolors bursting and blending at the midpoint and glowing indigo all over the room. Not in here, in the dark, with these silly ghosts in all the corners, trying to creep me out and capsize my dreams.
My dreams have been mixed and miscommunicated- I'm talking to you on the phone and the world's flying by, poorly edited jumpcuts, from the keys to the door to the road to the glare on the windshield to the bustling street to the hang-up to the wake-up and I'm getting upset and I'm watching myself say things I don't want to say and you hang-up. But they're just stressdreams. They're old-hat. The other dreams are beautiful, going up elevators made of glass, fast, overlooking skylines of the city. Have I said I like the way you dress. Ha.
I spent Saturday night after work tossing and turning for probably eight hours and I thought I hadn't slept but I woke from the dream and it was two in the afternoon. But I bucked up and got myself to work, and stayed there the three hours until I made up my outstanding balance to you and then I went home. Four sixteen.
Hey you know what's funny. It wasn't really four-sixteen. I mean it wasn't really six-six-six. It couldn't possibly be. I think it was six-sixty maybe. 660? It doesn't matter, but it's funny that you said that. You said six sixteen but you can keep the extra dollar... Like it was 666. ;-) Silly. It wasn't really, was it? Imagine.
What else is funny is that Madeline isn't really doing rooster-calls. That's just her voice. She's like Billie Holiday meets Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, with an Italian accent. I'll show you. I showed her those cats talking and she said, Boorrrrrg! ...I left it alone. What can you say to that, you know?
That's it. The ghosts are gone as far as I can tell. Good morning. See you in a few...
<3
But there are ghosts in here. Madeline sees them and I feel them. So I have to talk to you. Till they go away. I like seeing your name up there... In my Recipient line. To: To you. It's like a name from Jane Austen. I've told you before? It's unreal and unbelievable like you. Unreal and unbelievable. Somebody's sooooooooooo damn lucky.
I'm a bit intoxicated. I don't want to say too much here. I want to talk to you in person, with all the magic chemicals floating around between us, your blue and white and my red and blue shots of waterflames, watercolors bursting and blending at the midpoint and glowing indigo all over the room. Not in here, in the dark, with these silly ghosts in all the corners, trying to creep me out and capsize my dreams.
My dreams have been mixed and miscommunicated- I'm talking to you on the phone and the world's flying by, poorly edited jumpcuts, from the keys to the door to the road to the glare on the windshield to the bustling street to the hang-up to the wake-up and I'm getting upset and I'm watching myself say things I don't want to say and you hang-up. But they're just stressdreams. They're old-hat. The other dreams are beautiful, going up elevators made of glass, fast, overlooking skylines of the city. Have I said I like the way you dress. Ha.
I spent Saturday night after work tossing and turning for probably eight hours and I thought I hadn't slept but I woke from the dream and it was two in the afternoon. But I bucked up and got myself to work, and stayed there the three hours until I made up my outstanding balance to you and then I went home. Four sixteen.
Hey you know what's funny. It wasn't really four-sixteen. I mean it wasn't really six-six-six. It couldn't possibly be. I think it was six-sixty maybe. 660? It doesn't matter, but it's funny that you said that. You said six sixteen but you can keep the extra dollar... Like it was 666. ;-) Silly. It wasn't really, was it? Imagine.
What else is funny is that Madeline isn't really doing rooster-calls. That's just her voice. She's like Billie Holiday meets Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, with an Italian accent. I'll show you. I showed her those cats talking and she said, Boorrrrrg! ...I left it alone. What can you say to that, you know?
That's it. The ghosts are gone as far as I can tell. Good morning. See you in a few...
<3
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday at 6 45.
At 6:30 I flipped on his waiting room switch.
He opened the door at 6:45, smiling brilliantly. He gave me my movie. I give him his coffee.
"Thanks," he said.
"Tell me if it's-- are you with someone right now?"
"No, not for a few minutes, do you want to come in?"
"Sure."
"The coffee is really bad."
"It's Table Top." I laughed.
He put it on the floor next to his chair, but then stood back up. I was standing.
"I have another one for you-"
"The 'Lars and the Real Girl'?"
"You haven't seen it, yet, right?"
"No, I want to,"
"Okay, good."
"You own it?"
"I ordered it."
.......................................
"It's really good, it's funny and heart-warming and weird, and, you'd think it would be kinda kinky--"
"Uh-huh,"
"But no, it's not. But it takes place in a little town in Canada up north..."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah... You grew up in Minneapolis or?"
"I'm from Wisconsin. I went to school in Minneapolis..."
"Oh, Madison?"
He nodded. "Good place to be from. General lack of neuroses that makes me uncomfortable."
I laughed and shook my head. "Do you ever visit?"
"I've gone back twice in twenty years."
"Wow. What made you..."
"I went to my high school reunion--"
"Did you really?"
"-and it was GREAT. So I went again... But the people were like, I felt like they were exaggerating, their accents it was like so 'Hi how are ya!' but they weren't! It was just, I grew up with these people?? It was really different. It was just different."
I was laughing and leaning against his bookcase. "Is your family there?"
"There was a diaspora..."
I laughed, "Yeah."
"My parents are from New York City..."
"Ahhh. That makes sense." I looked at him. He smiled.
"Do you ever go back to Pennsylvania?"
"Never." I said. "There's nothing."
We looked at each other for a moment. He looked down at his coffee on the floor. "Well..."
"Yeah," I said and turned toward the door.
"Oh- the other one-"
"Would you like to-"
He laughed, he went over to the door and held it open. "See you Tuesday,"
"Have a good weekend Julian."
"Okay."
"Not too good." I said as I walked past him.
He opened the door at 6:45, smiling brilliantly. He gave me my movie. I give him his coffee.
"Thanks," he said.
"Tell me if it's-- are you with someone right now?"
"No, not for a few minutes, do you want to come in?"
"Sure."
"The coffee is really bad."
"It's Table Top." I laughed.
He put it on the floor next to his chair, but then stood back up. I was standing.
"I have another one for you-"
"The 'Lars and the Real Girl'?"
"You haven't seen it, yet, right?"
"No, I want to,"
"Okay, good."
"You own it?"
"I ordered it."
.......................................
"It's really good, it's funny and heart-warming and weird, and, you'd think it would be kinda kinky--"
"Uh-huh,"
"But no, it's not. But it takes place in a little town in Canada up north..."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah... You grew up in Minneapolis or?"
"I'm from Wisconsin. I went to school in Minneapolis..."
"Oh, Madison?"
He nodded. "Good place to be from. General lack of neuroses that makes me uncomfortable."
I laughed and shook my head. "Do you ever visit?"
"I've gone back twice in twenty years."
"Wow. What made you..."
"I went to my high school reunion--"
"Did you really?"
"-and it was GREAT. So I went again... But the people were like, I felt like they were exaggerating, their accents it was like so 'Hi how are ya!' but they weren't! It was just, I grew up with these people?? It was really different. It was just different."
I was laughing and leaning against his bookcase. "Is your family there?"
"There was a diaspora..."
I laughed, "Yeah."
"My parents are from New York City..."
"Ahhh. That makes sense." I looked at him. He smiled.
"Do you ever go back to Pennsylvania?"
"Never." I said. "There's nothing."
We looked at each other for a moment. He looked down at his coffee on the floor. "Well..."
"Yeah," I said and turned toward the door.
"Oh- the other one-"
"Would you like to-"
He laughed, he went over to the door and held it open. "See you Tuesday,"
"Have a good weekend Julian."
"Okay."
"Not too good." I said as I walked past him.
Friday at 5.
"I don't want to force the issue, though I'm open to it, and on one hand I feel like our conservations are just intensifying our feelings... but, you shy away from it whenever it comes up and I understand that, because, besides, well you were angry at me, but usually, we have... an amazing connection... right?"
"Yes." I smiled.
"I mean we talk to each other, and it's great, and I'm... I look forward to talking to you... I'm happy to talk to you, so..."
"Me too."
"I forgot what it was like, to talk like this."
"I never knew what it was like... to talk like this."
"That's why I hope you can... forgive some of that anger, self-directed or at me..."
"I hope you can forgive me for throwing things at you."
"It wasn't at me, it was at the wall?"
"Well there were two things..."
"No, just the hair-tie?"
"Okay, just the hair-tie."
.............................................
............................................
"I have your movie but I left it in my car.. if you're going next door anyway and want to wait like an hour--"
"Yeah--"
"I can trade you-"
"Did you want another filthy Table Top coffee?"
"Oh, you don't- okay.."
"Ah, cream no sugar?"
"Yes."
"Okay. See you at six fifty-two..."
"Scarlet-"
"What?"
"Um, I don't know."
"No?"
"Nope."
"'Kay."
"Okay."
"See you in-"
"Bye."
"Yes." I smiled.
"I mean we talk to each other, and it's great, and I'm... I look forward to talking to you... I'm happy to talk to you, so..."
"Me too."
"I forgot what it was like, to talk like this."
"I never knew what it was like... to talk like this."
"That's why I hope you can... forgive some of that anger, self-directed or at me..."
"I hope you can forgive me for throwing things at you."
"It wasn't at me, it was at the wall?"
"Well there were two things..."
"No, just the hair-tie?"
"Okay, just the hair-tie."
.............................................
............................................
"I have your movie but I left it in my car.. if you're going next door anyway and want to wait like an hour--"
"Yeah--"
"I can trade you-"
"Did you want another filthy Table Top coffee?"
"Oh, you don't- okay.."
"Ah, cream no sugar?"
"Yes."
"Okay. See you at six fifty-two..."
"Scarlet-"
"What?"
"Um, I don't know."
"No?"
"Nope."
"'Kay."
"Okay."
"See you in-"
"Bye."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sitting in Psych.
I made myself go.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!
But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...
Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.
So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"
He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."
And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.
Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.
Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.
Sigh. Cry-time.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!
But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...
Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.
So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"
He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."
And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.
Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.
Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.
Sigh. Cry-time.
Dr. Freud, your slip is showing.*
(*I borrowed this title from Gaby's genius blog. Sorry thanks Gaby!!!)
7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.
Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?
So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?
Could you be more specific?
Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.
He said nothing.
I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.
He was looking away.
I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.
He nodded.
If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.
I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.
Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--
You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--
The only reason I said it was a dumb--
But I wanted to know because--
Oh, sorry, go ahead--
No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.
No, go ahead.
I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--
Oh! Well, okay!
What?
So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?
I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...
Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-
Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.
Why-
And you never take ME at face value.
What do you mean?
I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...
That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.
I cracked a smile.
I took a deep breath and sat back down.
He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.
I mouthed, Yes.
And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...
I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.
And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.
He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.
I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.
And I don't wish that on you either.
.............................................................................????
Why would you? I said.
I don't know...
When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--
He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.
I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"
He called me back an hour later.
He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--
No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?
Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...
Dr. Freud your slip is showing.
7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.
Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?
So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?
Could you be more specific?
Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.
He said nothing.
I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.
He was looking away.
I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.
He nodded.
If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.
I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.
Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--
You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--
The only reason I said it was a dumb--
But I wanted to know because--
Oh, sorry, go ahead--
No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.
No, go ahead.
I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--
Oh! Well, okay!
What?
So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?
I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...
Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-
Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.
Why-
And you never take ME at face value.
What do you mean?
I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...
That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.
I cracked a smile.
I took a deep breath and sat back down.
He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.
I mouthed, Yes.
And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...
I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.
And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.
He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.
I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.
And I don't wish that on you either.
.............................................................................????
Why would you? I said.
I don't know...
When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--
He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.
I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"
He called me back an hour later.
He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--
No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?
Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...
Dr. Freud your slip is showing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)