i'm fine now.

JB's phonecall last night sorta set me straight

I'm BUSY. I'm busy with people taking photos of me... and trying to book shows... cleaning up my messes... trying to keep friends... reading my bible (Infinite Jest)... planning to go to the club... wandering around, just a little, in places where Julian goes, even though he's not here, maybe it's symbolic of my desire for unrequite... being rather unbright... collecting.

i've given up on magic sometime back

it doesn't seem to work for me

biweekly my sexual needs get taken care of, by P and all... i have to say, he does a damn fine job, i'm not even always fantasizing about Jul anymore, cuz it's really good, it's making me like him, cuz he just tells me what to do. he's married as well. patterns. patterns shapes and forms.

Naima's back on the team. we're about to go on nighthike where julian told me to go.

he kept saying, I go there sometimes and its really nice and that little coffee place there is really good too,

and then he also kept saying, Well, I've never been personally--

and then out of thin air he told me he didn't have a Facebook account. I said Jul you are all over the place-- under my breath-- he said, what? he blushed because it was the first time I called him Jul-- I said Nothing, and he said No no what did you-- No really, never mind, it was bullshit-- Okay, fine. --Okay, cool. I laughed.

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The gay couple next door to me are the BOMB. now its me and them against the stupid building. the stupid building tried to get me to pay for the damage caused by some leaky old pipes. they said it was because my toilet was broken and kept running water all the time.

i said how in the name of god was i supposed to know, let alone be responsible for this garbage?

they said It was your responsibility to report it.

I said, but I didn't know about it.

They said, well, but you were supposed to report it.

I said, SIGH.

I said, I'm not a plumber and the pipes are rotten and that's not my responsibility Alberto.

He said The pipes aren't rotten.

I thought, he hasn't checked the goddamn pipes. I said Whatever. I'm not paying this.

Then I knocked on Mike and Matt's door and went in there and ranted about the stupidity of this whole thing, and they told me that the fat lards downstairs said their floor caved in. And I said how could the water cave a floor in? And Matt said in a stage whisper-- Theyre REALLY heavy. And then they told me that the goddamn pipes were so broken in THEIR apartment the main broke 3 times. And that I should write the fuckers a letter and that they would sign their names on it. Then Mike gave me some xanax to chill out and told me not to tell Matt though. And then we went to Subway.

Urg.

Ok. I'm starting to get a little... need some space with this cool neighbor thing... she's still really great, no change in that, it's just she wanted me to take her running yesterday, so I did, and I realize- I really want to fucking BE ALONE when I run. And to the yoga class at the gym today. And I ended up paying for her membership. And to work tonight. And honestly, she's fine at work, but I kinda don't like being friends with anyone at work... And she hasn't gone in by herself yet, and she suggested it, and said, Oh, I'll just go in at 10 o clock. Oh let me just have Vinnie's number and I'll call him. And I'm like... Ugh... please don't just go in at 10 o clock. That's not the time you're supposed to go in, I'LL fucking get shit for it, I know I do it, but like, you've gone in ONCE. Vinnie made a joke- Don't teach her bad habits, I don't need another Casper! Like, it's TOO FUCKING MUCH. TOO FUCKING MUCH. She never has cigarettes, and she doesn't have a car, and it's just like, her friend Dan brought me a keyboard, and they took photos of my show, and she's come to two, so it's not like it's not reciprocated, it's just a little too much. It's just too many aspects of my life being shared right now. I wanted to go to the gym when I felt like it, and swim, and take a class, and then she was like You have to take me to the gym today, I have to work out before this shoot (which was a bullshit modeling job, not even real, and I knew it as soon as she told me about it, the guy was chatting with her on Skype, and talking about a contract, and all kinds of unrealistic unprofessional BS, but I didn't want to burst her bubble too much. But then she wasn't ready, and we got there and spent 20 minutes figuring out her membership, and then after the class she was texting with the guy, and stressing, and I just wanted to get out of there.

It was not the way I wanted to decompress.

In fact I'm more irritable now then before. And now it's like I can't just go into work whenever I want. And I'm stressed about it. Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I REALLY like my privacy and my independence. I had it made with the club. I don't like this.

Fell Along

I am not wasting another navelgrazing word on him.

Seriously.

It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed, by all of it.

My good god.

I just got home from work tonight; it was all right, I brought my neighbor Lena... I don't know if I've even mentioned Lena because I've only been seeing her the last few days and wasn't blogging...

She's a beautiful, angelfaced, mystical doll. She's right across the hall. She's brought her dog over here, and Madeline was like, Lena just looked at her with that angelic smile and Maddy chilled out, and they got along. My crazy cat and a dog. A dog who will just sit right next to L for indefinite periods of time and not budge.

She's a dog whisperer. And a painter. 21. Never danced before. But I knew I could tell her, and I had no qualms about bringing her, and we went in and Vinnie was like, you're in good hands, this is the best girl here! And showed her how my polaroid had a big #1 on it. Haha. He was like all the girls ask Why is SHE number one, she's never here!! And he's like Because she just is!

So that's me at the club. It was really nice going with Lena. And hanging out with her. She didn't make much but the guys are all over her, I told her she's just gotta learn to swing the dance thing and be a liiiiittle pushy and not waste time with those who aren't shelling.

We're both exhausted though. I told her, it is draining.

I have a show tomorrow at KGB. And some filming the next day. I DON'T have a whole bunch of empty fillable time.

I don't have a whole bunch of money.

I need to stop seeing him.

I was so upset this afternoon. I don't even know why. He wrote me a letter. He told me how to get this carousel at the park where he goes hiking. It's all in my head. And it's breaking the bank.

And it's breaking me.

I'm broke.

RE:

Ugh! He's probably handicapped! Now I feel bad... :

"Jeez.
I was smitten. I did like you. Still do, actually. Never meant to insult you or appear aggro. Not my way, I assure you.
Bret (the ass-hat)
PS Regarding my music? Kinda don’t know what you mean on that one."
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Oh well, Julian (Julian!!!) would be moving me right along on this one (O! Hearken the day! Erst I once showed mine own true J of Darcy Dan's text and he said, "Just leave it.") and I'm gonna make him proud. The guy isn't actually handicapped.

Oh, fack, update on the neighbor. Like $200 earrings and necklace from Betsey Johnson. WHAT. Not my taste at all (and bearing the receipt. With price. Class-y.) but goddamn.

The Kindness of Strangers

I shall not go to sleep past 3...
I shall not go to sleep past 4...
I shall not...

I was jamming out on the way back from work with my headphones on, oblivious, when I heard two people yelling at me. I looked across the street and there were two guys at the bus stop waving me over... I thought they were probably from the club and had to cross the street anyway, so I walked toward them and they kept gesturing but I couldn't hear so I took out the earbuds and one of them yelled, "You have the voice of an angel!"

"We've been listening to you for like 10 minutes, you were all the way up the street... Seriously, man, amazing range..."

"Oh and you're pretty, too!"

It was nice.

I am beyond shot... I've slept about five hours in the last three days, I got up at seven, and four a.m. is staring me in the face.. It sucks, I get out of work, beyond shot, and I have to go deposit my wad of cash at the bank in case I get robbed or spend blindly or something, and buy food, and eat, and clean up, and feed Madeline, and wash up, and put away more crap, and stretch, blah blah blah. I had to clean tonight. My place is just a devastating mess. It's gotten really bad.

I slept-danced through work today though I did pretty good. I was real close to flaking at like seven. o' clock when I got home from Manny's studio and popped in Julian's movie. I have to say it kinda blew. I love most of his movie recommendations but this one was a honker. I'm gonna tell him tomorrow. He likes really dark, heady, European films, a fact that I can't totally reconcile with the rest of him. It's sexy. Fuck I wanna know more about him.

That neighbor, Alberto knocked on my door again! This time with a birthday present! I opened the door this time and talked to him a little bit even though I didn't have time. He's like five-foot nothing and real nerdy but he's so sweet and he offered to help me with school. The present was... well it was CLOTHING, which is a strange choice for an abject stranger... It was a black tank top and a zebra striped THING I couldn't even identify. Jess and Manny gave me a Christmas present too today... A photo album of pictures he took of me and red business cards Jess made me cuz she thinks I should have them when I meet music people... I didn't get anyone anything this year... Fuck, when will I have the time for anything.

My thighs are bruised and I have whiplash from lazy, tired dancing. Julian tomorrow. Just typing his name makes me burn... But I'm not sure how to act with him after Monday. I told Manny about it and he said "he's toying with you." Well no kidding. He said I should go in without underwear and a skirt and give him a Sharon Stone shot. He said that would give him some jack-off material. Well yeah but he'd also think I'm just a straight-up whore. Nooooot happening.

Ok. Bed. NOW.

Love and loads of Lean Cuisines,

Scarlet-O