back.

I like working. I know I go back and forth but yesterday it was the only thing that I liked. I like dancing. I love it. I like making money. The people are funny and sometimes they're assholes and I don't even mind that.



Stefan- overit. He acted like a jerk, not a big deal, but enough to just turn me off. Immature, two-faced, not a gentleman, trying to be cool. I told him he was full of shit. I'm not even disguising names anymore because I don't care. I told Julian and he said it was good, he said some men respond to women being mean and step up to the plate, but that even if he doesn't it's good, because it would've been a bad foundation for a relationship. He asked me how I would've dealt with it before and I said back in October I just ignored all that stuff, all those red flags, and wanted him anyway, because we had a connection and I didn't want to give it up...



I said I wouldn't talk about Julian anymore, but screw it, because, it's not the same anyway... I've totally accepted that he's not into me like that, he's probably happily married with kids and why shouldn't he be... He deserves it. I think I'm still deep down really sad about it. But... I think maybe I talk to him more openly now... Well I do. I was just sitting there in silence blushing before. I talked to him about Stefan, even sex with Stefan, which was lousy, he drinks too much... and dancing, and the club... I was sitting with my boss and the DJ last night, the cool one I like who's only there two days a week who has picks me awesome new songs and has a sense of humor, it was late and everyone just left but I had hundreds of ones to count out because I made all my money on the stage, and the DJ was like, you rocked it out tonight it was raining bills every time you went on.. aren't you glad you stayed? and my boss was like, What, was she hovering? Don't you know, she's the Invisible Person. She's the disappearing dancer. She's there one minute and the next minute I have a call from her, hey, I'm on a plane halfway across the country... Hey, I needed to get out of there and go to another part of town... Hey Vinnie I'm down the street if you need me... We were DYING cu3 that's exactly what I say and I was like Vinnie you know sometimes I just caaaaaaaaaan't... and he was like, I know, it's OKAY, sometimes I can't either, but I'm stuck here. Hehe.

So after I finished telling that story I started tearing up, I was staring at the celing, and J asked, where did you just go? And I said, all over the place, I dunno... I'm not depressed... I'm doing things you know... I'm just sad, like this, all the time.. Why? And he said, well that's not an easy question to answer... but I do think the chemicals in your brain... tend to change sometimes, and put you here, and when there's nothing to pull you out of it, like talking to Jo, or skiing, or your music... it's kind of the default emotion...

Our time was running out and I was still sobby but I was putting on my shoes and he asked if I need a minute and as I nodded I started hysterically sobbing down into my knees, and I finally stopped myself, I made myself focus on something, I dont remember what, skiing maybe, moving with the mountain... and I said, Help.

He asked if I wanted to see him sooner, and I nodded. So I'm seeing him on Thursday instead of Friday. Thank God.

One of the guys last night wants to buy me a keyboard, like a really good one... That would be sweet. I don't know what it would entail... but the thought of like having an 88 key weighted Yamaha excites me a bit.

I'm actually sitting at the hotel in Utah right now, at a bigger and more comfortable laptop than my own, in a much warmer and more private spot than I usually do at home... but... it's totally uncomfortable to write and even think, seeing as I'm with my stepdad. He's pretty much asleep to Home Alone right now, but. I don't think it requires much further explanation.

I'm really sick of being so limited in my ability to write, due to my shit laptop and my nonexistent connection and I'm going to finagle some more money out of some more people even if it means honest work.

I've been skiing. I love it. I love anything physical. I've always been able to make my body do whatever I want. And I love nature. And I love silence, and solitude, and sanity, and sanctity, and high white mountains and god's country and being one with the the planet and having to move to a rhythm that moves with the earth and having to focus so hard with so much beauty blasting your face in order not to eat a mouthful of snow, teeth, blood, salt, water, dirt, lunar rock.

But of course, there's the rest of the day... It's... Just... I see him generally for a few hours a YEAR. And this is like 55 hours straight. And it's tough for me to be without my piano. And without my solitude. And I have Stefan with my housekeys and my car and taking care of Madeline and... and... I thought maybe it would be nice beyond just the snow out here but it really isn't because Michael does not give a damn about anything in my life and in fact makes it quite clear he doesn't want to hear it. Michael being my stepdad... I guess like Julian said, there really just is no connection there... and Julian... I can never write about him again, I won't ever think about him again like that. But here I go. He never thought of me like anything. You don't have to comment. I know I've said it before, but I know it now. I don't understand everything that happened. I don't understand any of it. There's a lot that doesn't add up. But I'm not going to try to figure it out anymore. I don't know how long this pain is going to last, but I'm going to start dealing with it fully...

Stefan, have I mentioned him before? Another psychic, magical, guy I was with... Not THE psychic magical-- Sean-- who I was gonna marry-- who I don't talk about. Because he can hear me. So I'm gonna continue not talking about him...

Stefan though... I fell for him in one second, like I never have anyone... And he was here and somehow we connected so much and he was still ignoring me and jerking me around... and then he went to Europe two weeks later... it was right before Julian... well, overlapped a little actually. And I wrote him for a while. And I really thought he would come back and I really thought he wouldn't. And now he did. And as soon as he did, he's acting like my boyfriend... And I'm just so fucking confused. And I'm sitting here in Utah with this fucking loud TV on and a bunch of stories and a person who was in most of my life and doesn't know or care to know a thing about me. And there's nowhere for a thought to go.

ok one more day.

one more day to hold it down, the emotional volcano constantly bubbling inside me. Solitude and curving down a mountain are conduits to God.. But the rest of the I'm just a tad I'll at ease. Just a tad. Just a tad.... :-(

SKIING IN UTAH!!

=radio silence :-) lotta news for spring.

I did it again.

at school. Class started 40 min ago. As I watch the locksmith open my FUCKING car again, while te keys are in the ignition. Which is running.

if I had a COAT HANGER right now I could do this in 10 minutes, and I'm watching this guy move at a snails pace.

ok, really need to post.

this no internet stuff is getting really old. Gonna fix that. And gonna drag my puter to the wifi in a bit.

98.

...is more like it.