Maybe this is my being lazy but I think it's actually the opposite.
Plus it seems to be a perfect sort of introspective exercise right now.
So I'm jumping on the bandwagon with Bathwater (who discovered the bandwagon through hope dies) and doing this 30 Days of Truth thing.
Today's Day 4, something you have to forgive someone for.
I scrawled something on your page BW but I'm gonna think about it some more and answer it more fully....
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Heat Wave
I can't take this heat anymore.
I've been basically asleep for 3 days. I was exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. And the painkillers. And all the work. All the intensity with Julian.
But no-- what it's really been-- is the 113 degree heat and the unairconditioned apartment and the only possible way to get through this misery is to sleep through it.
My muscles again feel atrophied from lack of exercise and I missed a class again.
My friend just said something funny about the blog:
"It really is so precise in its emotion.
You're not wearing much, because there is a heat wave and you're in heat and he's in heat.
It's all so hot."
Hahahahaha.
It can't sustain. Ughhhhhhhh. Please god make it stop now.
I've been basically asleep for 3 days. I was exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. And the painkillers. And all the work. All the intensity with Julian.
But no-- what it's really been-- is the 113 degree heat and the unairconditioned apartment and the only possible way to get through this misery is to sleep through it.
My muscles again feel atrophied from lack of exercise and I missed a class again.
My friend just said something funny about the blog:
"It really is so precise in its emotion.
You're not wearing much, because there is a heat wave and you're in heat and he's in heat.
It's all so hot."
Hahahahaha.
It can't sustain. Ughhhhhhhh. Please god make it stop now.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
The Lie Detector Test
so yesterday i saw him and.. he didnt wanna talk.. he doesnt wanna play this anymore..
he looked so gorgeous though, he had like track pants and a t-shirt the exact color of his eyes and sneakers on... it was the first time id ever seen him not in dress clothes which, i found it really funny, and really endearing that a grown man with an esteemed career where he'd have to wear them every day would call his work clothes "dress clothes" like a 12 year old.
and his pants were black, and his shirt ice grayblue and his hair is black and his eyes are ice grayblue, his arms are kinda tanned and nicely muscled and shaped and i couldnt take my eyes off him, my mind went blank again... and he told a story at the beginning of the session about
how he used to commute from this place near the beach and go and train in the morning and go in the water and then shower and change in the car and i was like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhewroiu23r9tiosdugioldsijkslfjsldogipsdigummmmmmmmmok.
but then he wouldn't chat with me. he'd flirt but every time i started to talk about something he'd shut it down and bring it back, so you wanted to see me here again because you said you didn't want our last session to be like that with you angry at me.
like he made sure to say it was our last session.
so i just got on him.
literally. i crawled over and took his hand. i was wearing hardly anything (we're having a heat wave.) and said how is this hand doing. and he starts laughing and then i stood up and sat on his lap and said Dame, dame el otro mano. and he dame'd it, and laughed (giggled) and started to say something and i said see i need to see how your hands are doing, because they don't lie as much as you do. and he's blinking up at me with his big blue eyes looking particularly like a teenager with his blue t-shirt on and sort of giggling, laughed way too loud at that one, closed his eyes and sort of tilted his head back, "Okay.... Okay, because they don't lie as much as I do.." and I kissed him lightly and he a little tense and started to withdraw his hands which had been squeezing mine the whole time and I was still holding so I held them up and went, sort of breathlessly,
See, this is a lie detector test...
And he laughs, It's a lie detector test, uh huh, ok...
Yeah... it is..
And he's just staring up at me, head cocked to one side, incredulous, like, why are you doing to this me?
And I'm holding hands up making circles in the air, and breathless, Whhhyy dooo.... and I take his palms and put them on my neck....
And he's shaking his head slowly, still looking at me like that, shaking his head, but circling my throat with his big hands, gently.
...you contradict everything you say?
And again, throws his head back laughing way too loud, Why do I contradict everything I say... That's a LOADED question... that's... that's...
And I take my hands off his and put one on his neck and then tug on his hair with the other twice like Beep beep and say Questioning the questions is not gonna throw off the lie detector readout, and then I tug on his hair twice and go, Beep beep.
And he's staring at me and he goes Scarlet... Scarlet...
I'm just... I'm gonna need a little more space...
It was so direct and sincere and not game-y I got off him immediately almost embarrassed and he's still babbling about "...to answer the question fairly I mean and I think anyone would agree, that that is a LOADED question, I mean, ANYONE would agree... like I could say, I don't always contradict myself and you'd say okay well he said not ALWAYS..." as if it's a really fucking lie detector test, because, he TOTALLY really believed it was... I mean, he really did, he really thinks I can read his mind when I'm touching him, and I can, but I mean not like THAT, and I just said,
Okay, how much space? How much more space?
And he stopped and I was already back on the couch and he was still babbling and he stopped and said Well, I...
And I said, Like, months?
And all blue-eyed blinking, "No! No, no..." and then collected completely, "I don't have a specific answer for you..."
...................................................................................................................................................
He mentioned going hiking twice and that the cafe had wireless once yesterday.
I'm just gonna chill and run into him there in like a month. That's it. And no e-mails at all, and certainly no freaking out.
I can do it now.
he looked so gorgeous though, he had like track pants and a t-shirt the exact color of his eyes and sneakers on... it was the first time id ever seen him not in dress clothes which, i found it really funny, and really endearing that a grown man with an esteemed career where he'd have to wear them every day would call his work clothes "dress clothes" like a 12 year old.
and his pants were black, and his shirt ice grayblue and his hair is black and his eyes are ice grayblue, his arms are kinda tanned and nicely muscled and shaped and i couldnt take my eyes off him, my mind went blank again... and he told a story at the beginning of the session about
how he used to commute from this place near the beach and go and train in the morning and go in the water and then shower and change in the car and i was like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhewroiu23r9tiosdugioldsijkslfjsldogipsdigummmmmmmmmok.
but then he wouldn't chat with me. he'd flirt but every time i started to talk about something he'd shut it down and bring it back, so you wanted to see me here again because you said you didn't want our last session to be like that with you angry at me.
like he made sure to say it was our last session.
so i just got on him.
literally. i crawled over and took his hand. i was wearing hardly anything (we're having a heat wave.) and said how is this hand doing. and he starts laughing and then i stood up and sat on his lap and said Dame, dame el otro mano. and he dame'd it, and laughed (giggled) and started to say something and i said see i need to see how your hands are doing, because they don't lie as much as you do. and he's blinking up at me with his big blue eyes looking particularly like a teenager with his blue t-shirt on and sort of giggling, laughed way too loud at that one, closed his eyes and sort of tilted his head back, "Okay.... Okay, because they don't lie as much as I do.." and I kissed him lightly and he a little tense and started to withdraw his hands which had been squeezing mine the whole time and I was still holding so I held them up and went, sort of breathlessly,
See, this is a lie detector test...
And he laughs, It's a lie detector test, uh huh, ok...
Yeah... it is..
And he's just staring up at me, head cocked to one side, incredulous, like, why are you doing to this me?
And I'm holding hands up making circles in the air, and breathless, Whhhyy dooo.... and I take his palms and put them on my neck....
And he's shaking his head slowly, still looking at me like that, shaking his head, but circling my throat with his big hands, gently.
...you contradict everything you say?
And again, throws his head back laughing way too loud, Why do I contradict everything I say... That's a LOADED question... that's... that's...
And I take my hands off his and put one on his neck and then tug on his hair with the other twice like Beep beep and say Questioning the questions is not gonna throw off the lie detector readout, and then I tug on his hair twice and go, Beep beep.
And he's staring at me and he goes Scarlet... Scarlet...
I'm just... I'm gonna need a little more space...
It was so direct and sincere and not game-y I got off him immediately almost embarrassed and he's still babbling about "...to answer the question fairly I mean and I think anyone would agree, that that is a LOADED question, I mean, ANYONE would agree... like I could say, I don't always contradict myself and you'd say okay well he said not ALWAYS..." as if it's a really fucking lie detector test, because, he TOTALLY really believed it was... I mean, he really did, he really thinks I can read his mind when I'm touching him, and I can, but I mean not like THAT, and I just said,
Okay, how much space? How much more space?
And he stopped and I was already back on the couch and he was still babbling and he stopped and said Well, I...
And I said, Like, months?
And all blue-eyed blinking, "No! No, no..." and then collected completely, "I don't have a specific answer for you..."
...................................................................................................................................................
He mentioned going hiking twice and that the cafe had wireless once yesterday.
I'm just gonna chill and run into him there in like a month. That's it. And no e-mails at all, and certainly no freaking out.
I can do it now.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Ctrl+Z that! :-)
Well, he was undeniably incredibly crass, but I wrote back another long e-mail like wow no we're really on the same page here, i'm not interested in doing that kind of piece, thank you...
Couple back n' forths and cleared it all up because now I'll get to have the article, and the plugs, and classy photos of my choice in that magazine, and its a pretty cool one.
Couple back n' forths and cleared it all up because now I'll get to have the article, and the plugs, and classy photos of my choice in that magazine, and its a pretty cool one.
Oh wow ew NEVER MIND
Dunnell Blake Woods to me
show details 7:28 AM (2 minutes ago)
Send me a few photos -- including some with that lovely ass (no pussy
shots) and perhaps showing some boobs.
They don't have to be naked but should be what you are currently about.
And give me some names to plus -- and I'll see if I can edit down
something for you.
What is your stage name -- or can I use your real name?
I will send you the proposed piece before I published it.
show details 7:28 AM (2 minutes ago)
Send me a few photos -- including some with that lovely ass (no pussy
shots) and perhaps showing some boobs.
They don't have to be naked but should be what you are currently about.
And give me some names to plus -- and I'll see if I can edit down
something for you.
What is your stage name -- or can I use your real name?
I will send you the proposed piece before I published it.
Re: possible article for Heights winter issue?
blake-
hah! about surviving in hollywood?? oh i'd love to!!
i have a lot of things to plug........ i started writing new music on the piano (mostly because i became a shut-in and didnt speak to anyone about anything) last winter and started playing out and now (next week actually!) i'm recording an album w the producer from C----------!!! ... and then me and p, my friend whose company that investment was far, are filming this show in like a month in nashville, that im co creating with him, acting in, he's directing- and they're both like, just ideal, like there is no one else i could think of that id trust with the material, both projects are really personal so i'm trusting them with my heart too and i havent had ANYTHING, ANY work, ANY connection, any HOPE--- for like a year and a half-- for almost the whole time i've been out here. so it's FINALLY....
i have a lot to say on it too, one thing being that this whole experience made me realize that i never wanted this thing i thought i wanted, fame, and money, and being seen as "successful" in others' eyes at the cost of spending time with people i cant stand, kissing asses, being fake, and doing really stupid work i dont even enjoy, basically not feeding my soul in any way, not using my creativity or intelligence, and just not being true. i just realized that was what it was, and i do not fucking want it!
so whatever kind of success i ever get, will have to come about through things like this, individuals i really connect with, projects that are honest and real and beautiful, and mean something to me; it was never going to happen by playing a complete bullshit game- even with the big hotshot modeling agency, and all the hype, and all that stuff i thought was so important and that everyone saw as my big chance-- it wasn't going to happen, because it wasn't right for me, i wasn't right for it, "the camera doesn't lie," and i can't live in a world of lies. that's what i learned. WHEW.
well, i guess that's almost the piece in and of itself.
i'd be honored for you to publish it when it's finished.
thank you for the opportunity!
xo
miss scarlet
ps yeah yeah of course ill add some juicy stuff and the sexy photos in addition to all this poetwax ;-)
hah! about surviving in hollywood?? oh i'd love to!!
i have a lot of things to plug........ i started writing new music on the piano (mostly because i became a shut-in and didnt speak to anyone about anything) last winter and started playing out and now (next week actually!) i'm recording an album w the producer from C----------!!! ... and then me and p, my friend whose company that investment was far, are filming this show in like a month in nashville, that im co creating with him, acting in, he's directing- and they're both like, just ideal, like there is no one else i could think of that id trust with the material, both projects are really personal so i'm trusting them with my heart too and i havent had ANYTHING, ANY work, ANY connection, any HOPE--- for like a year and a half-- for almost the whole time i've been out here. so it's FINALLY....
i have a lot to say on it too, one thing being that this whole experience made me realize that i never wanted this thing i thought i wanted, fame, and money, and being seen as "successful" in others' eyes at the cost of spending time with people i cant stand, kissing asses, being fake, and doing really stupid work i dont even enjoy, basically not feeding my soul in any way, not using my creativity or intelligence, and just not being true. i just realized that was what it was, and i do not fucking want it!
so whatever kind of success i ever get, will have to come about through things like this, individuals i really connect with, projects that are honest and real and beautiful, and mean something to me; it was never going to happen by playing a complete bullshit game- even with the big hotshot modeling agency, and all the hype, and all that stuff i thought was so important and that everyone saw as my big chance-- it wasn't going to happen, because it wasn't right for me, i wasn't right for it, "the camera doesn't lie," and i can't live in a world of lies. that's what i learned. WHEW.
well, i guess that's almost the piece in and of itself.
i'd be honored for you to publish it when it's finished.
thank you for the opportunity!
xo
miss scarlet
ps yeah yeah of course ill add some juicy stuff and the sexy photos in addition to all this poetwax ;-)
All Together Again.
So, I just had a dreamy night with Ty at the studio. I went over to feel out the new piano, and talk about some of the songs, and it was just so cool, SO COOL, like I didn't feel ANY pressure, any uncertainty, he was so open, and respectful, and insightful, and into it, and professional, and is just virtuosic at music-- I have to admit watching him play and create sounds was kind of really compelling and attractive. And he's just so funny and cool to be around. And before that, and last night too, I was on the phone with P for like 5 hours, and we talked about our project and we talked about life, and he's fucking like, he's right on my wavelength, in so many ways, sometimes we slide into little mutual admiration society conversation about how amazing we each find the other. But it really is.
P has always been like that for me, but lately we've really just been going so strong. And the thing is, both of them, P and Ty, and the projects I'm doing with them, are like these amazing souls I am connecting with, that I'm COMPLETELY open and honest with, like I've been with J, partly because, the level I'm working with them, they have to know these things about me, and also they're artists, real ones, they just don't judge, and they're MEN, and it's so much easier with men, except for the issue of attraction, which there is, naturally, with both of them, I get excited to talk to them and when I think about them and laugh at the things they say for days and all of that-- but like-- it's so incredible-- they really take the work seriously, to the point where it's just downright more important and it's not gonna go there. Ty's married too. And me and P have been friends for too long and want to work together like, forever in the future. And so I'm not worried about it, so the whole thing is just so freeing and the projects couldn't be any more ideal and there's no one I would think would be better, and no one I'd trust more to get things actually done, and to have the finished product in their hands and know how to move from there... The future's looking... really exciting.
Finally.
I had this business opportunity, related to P's company, and it involved finding people to make an investment.
So one of the people I contacted was the owner of this kind of glossy arts journal that had done a piece on me once, years ago, when my old band did this record and had a sort of popular single. I was like eighteen, and did the shoot and the interview, and became friends with the journalist, and ended up writing a couple things for the mag, too.
So I wrote the owner, telling him about the investment, and he wrote back that he's in this litigation and his credit lines are frozen and all this other stuff, and we just wrote back and forth for a bit and he asked me if I would want to write a short piece for the winter journal about Hollywood, and said I could pitch my project, etc...
So I wrote him back, and the e-mail ended up being like, probably the bulk of what the piece in and of itself will actually be. And I realized all of this:
P has always been like that for me, but lately we've really just been going so strong. And the thing is, both of them, P and Ty, and the projects I'm doing with them, are like these amazing souls I am connecting with, that I'm COMPLETELY open and honest with, like I've been with J, partly because, the level I'm working with them, they have to know these things about me, and also they're artists, real ones, they just don't judge, and they're MEN, and it's so much easier with men, except for the issue of attraction, which there is, naturally, with both of them, I get excited to talk to them and when I think about them and laugh at the things they say for days and all of that-- but like-- it's so incredible-- they really take the work seriously, to the point where it's just downright more important and it's not gonna go there. Ty's married too. And me and P have been friends for too long and want to work together like, forever in the future. And so I'm not worried about it, so the whole thing is just so freeing and the projects couldn't be any more ideal and there's no one I would think would be better, and no one I'd trust more to get things actually done, and to have the finished product in their hands and know how to move from there... The future's looking... really exciting.
Finally.
I had this business opportunity, related to P's company, and it involved finding people to make an investment.
So one of the people I contacted was the owner of this kind of glossy arts journal that had done a piece on me once, years ago, when my old band did this record and had a sort of popular single. I was like eighteen, and did the shoot and the interview, and became friends with the journalist, and ended up writing a couple things for the mag, too.
So I wrote the owner, telling him about the investment, and he wrote back that he's in this litigation and his credit lines are frozen and all this other stuff, and we just wrote back and forth for a bit and he asked me if I would want to write a short piece for the winter journal about Hollywood, and said I could pitch my project, etc...
So I wrote him back, and the e-mail ended up being like, probably the bulk of what the piece in and of itself will actually be. And I realized all of this:
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