Everything in its right place....

I did everything right today. Class and errands, bought my psych book, printed out my contract with the studio, sent a bunch of letters, saw a couple people I needed to say, played piano for ages and came up with stuff I love and practiced and I've still got yoga and a run to do but I'll do it...

My boss from the club called me Tuesday night, he's always cool as shit, asked what was going on so I said I'll go Saturday so I will.

Jess doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore. I told her I'd help her make an audition tape for some show, help her with the singing and the dance routine. I told her ages ago and she never tried to get together to work on it and when the day rolled around, it was like two and a half weeks ago, she called me a few nights before and was like are you ready and then told me it would take all day, that it was three hours away (she couldn't find a studio in town??) and her friend would be doing makeup and all this SHIT that was never part of the deal... She expected me to drive to her house, almost and hour away at like five in the morning so we could leave to be there at eight, and that we'd "wrap" by 5 pm and I'd get home at EIGHT to be dropped off at work, on my one day off, the morning after a concert, the week I started school. I was like, Oh god babe this is really freaking me out, it's going to be REALLY hard, can you find someone else? If not, I'm there, ok?

And she says, "I'm not gonna get butt-sore [sic] or anything, I can find someone else, it's fine, if not I'll let you know..."

So I said, "Ok, COOL!" OBVIOUSLY. And hoped she'd find someone.

Well, I didn't hear anything back from her, so I asked Manny and he said the audition was cool, though they messed up the tape, yadiyadi, he wasn't there, but he didn't know of any kind of problem she had with me... So I wrote her, and she wrote back, HIGH AND F'IN MIGHTY, how she had decided to ask someone else, because of what I showed with my decision.

Okay, fuck me, I didn't even MAKE a decision, I more like begged to be excused. We've been friends for a while now, and now that I think about it, she's spent a good portion of our time together talking about her "career" which is not a career at all, while I sat there and bit my tongue, having been a professional PERFORMER since I was sixteen, in the ballet COMPANY, and a band, for a living, and she has absolutely no respect for what I've accomplished despite supposedly being on the same "path..." She doesn't ask me about it, anything I've done, important things according to people who are in it, she sits there and tells me how to get an agent, and that oh, she's not gonna study dance, or bother with an instrument, she's going to do commercials to make some money first... She's NOT an actress, she's not a dancer, she's not a singer, it's a lark for her, and she called me self-absorbed??? I don't talk about a goddamn thing with her, she doesn't know about my music, she doesn't know what my JOB is, she doesn't know about Julian of course, but I mean, I don't talk about my work with people-- it's tacky-- it's not interesting, or relatable. I talk about music with other musicians, dance with dancers, writing with writers, exploring it together, the difficulties and the beauty and the path... She sits there and regurgitates this stuff these phony ignorant teachers tell her in these one-day seminar classes, and reads self-help books, and doesn't listen to anything I say the few times I say it, and it's just painful and insulting and inconsiderate, and I don't even know if we were ever close at all now... Then she talks about the things she's done for me and that I needed to give back??? She's given me a trash bag of old clothes that are 4 sizes too big for me-- as if I'm homeless-- and decals for my wall (an object I couldn't even identify, or as Manny says, SWADW (shit we all don't want)), and made me business cards for Christmas which I would never use, but she's been generous, but I didn't know she was keeping COUNT... And I don't have anything to give, I don't live with a fiance who takes care of my shit, I didn't grow up anywhere near here, I don't have family here, I'm pursuing 10 million things all alone and if she ever thought about my life she'd realize a lot of these sacrifices are for the "path," are for music, were for dance, and a lot of them are NOT by choice, and I don't have SHIT, and my headlights are falling off my car, so no, I don't send out Christmas cards. This just really upset me. But whatever.