in my head now

OK, everyone invited to watch the carwreck of my mood swinging to the bottom of the bell curve.

I feel like I'm just dropping the ball. Again, invitations to work on music that I don't follow up on, cuz I never have the time or energy or SOMETHING, all of that, for what? Just a taste of something? Social stuff... dropped the ball... no energy or time to see a bunch of people... I still have, but it's too much, it's all too much, I never do anything, I'll never go anywhere, I'll always live to just barely catch up with myself financially, I can't even make money at that job, I'll never have a relationship cuz I'm stuck on someone who'll never have me, I don't know, when I'm zen I can see it as fine to keep living like this, but I don't think it really is. The depressed perspective is the correct one. That's what he said.

Everything in my apartment breaks or gets fucked up. Constantly. Constantly I should be dealing with this. I haven't gotten my fucking money back. Stupid mean just wanna sleep on me. I'm old and ugly. I'm really not pretty anymore.

I did a practically softcore porn modeling job the other day. It wasn't really, but it made me feel dirty, because the guy was skeezy, and the other model was nuts.

Julian is in Spain so there's no contact with him.

I want to write something more insightful and poetic, but I'm just too lazy. And I waste all those words on him. Now letters that I'm not sending because I'm not sending him a thing while he's on fucking vacation with his family. And okay Scarlet- he IS married, he's never going to act on this, he likes you, but it sort of bothers him sometimes, that he feels this way about you, but he likes it too, and in fact doesn't want you to get over it, well, he does, he wants you to be happy, but if you can be happy and still in love with him he's quite okay with that too.

In fact he's never been hit on by a girl like you. It excites him. And terrifies him. He's nervous around you when the roles become less defined. He gets slighty (sexily,) jealous when you talk about other people, these famous people, and stuff. He wouldn't even know what to do with you if he had you maybe. But he loves you. He wants you to be happy. He shows you things about yourself, areas that you're special, and need to give credit, and need to see, when you're feeling so down. He respects you completely. And understands you. All of you.

So it is what it is.

I can write about more important things. Or provocative things.

Maybe next time.