Scarlet on the Couch

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What do I say when I have too much to say...

Life's been going. I'm sort of struggling with classes again. And sometimes I beat myself up over it. I'm making music. Beautiful music. Mindblown, with C. And life is complicated. I've been sleeping too much. But so clean and sober. Haven't been to the club in over a month. Living on savings. I'll have to go back soon I guess but I just can't.....

So now. I go to Table Top occasionally. Very occasionally. But will start more.

Third time I went, with all my homework, I saw Julian. I was sitting outside, right by the rail, facing away from his office-land, facing my car parked at the failed meter, just in case a Brownie came along to ticket me so I could jump over the gate and stop them. And then. I felt him, behind me. He saw me, I saw him from my periphery... He sort of stopped. Then kept walking past me and I pretended not to see him so when he got to the entrance he stopped and pretended to look at his phone so I looked up at him and pretended to be surprised and he pretended to be surprised and I said Hey! and he said Oh hi! and he walked in the door.

So I got up with my coffee and went inside as he was in line ordering and added some creamer... So he sort of sauntered over to me and leaned on the counter where all the creamers and stuff are and sort of smiled and I said Hi and he said Hey, how are you? and I said, you know-- and he said, just? and I said yeah- and he said, hanging in? and laughed and we stepped over each others words every single time, and then he picked up his order and I said, you know there IS free parking at Table Top. and he said, Yeah, in back? and i said, oh no, I meant the failed meters, and he went, Ahhh, and then I said, yes soooo how have you been, and he said, Just, working, and I said, so, off to work? and he said --and just getting my caffeine...

And it was all very awkward and then he said, So, okay, see ya?

And I said, Bye, smiling, he was too...

That was on Monday. I've been wanting to go on the hikes he goes to but my classes are always in the way... but then I remembered he doesn't actually go with any groups he just goes there at night. So I drove over there and looked for his car... but now it's Halloween and it's all different because they have hayrides and little rides and mirror funhouses and stuff so he probably won't be there til that's over.

But it's beautiful though, and I'm going on the hayrides tonight with Emmy.