Well, I'm done. DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Done with the semester. I completed it, as impractically and ineffectively as possible. But it's done. It's done, and I don't have to worry about homework and papers and getting up in the morning ever again, for a while.
I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.
I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....
Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...
Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...
Monday, June 7, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
it was a little better for like 2 minutes and now its really fucking bad
i hate where i am and want to be where im not
and think about going there
and start sobbing hysterically
have i been here often
maybe i should look back
has it always been like this
its hard to remember
i dont want to die but i really dont want to live
because although there is so much beauty
i know i wont get to see it
because im so slow
and waste so much time
and so lazy
and such a coward
that all there's ever to do are errands
and i complain the entire way through everything
and then its gone
I WANT IT TO STOP
i cant take it
i dont know how i did the things i used to do
i have been all over the world
my mother took her life too
at least she got married first
ill never be in love again
i just dont SEE HOW
i dont see how this will ever change
it has been exactly the same for a year
but i mean exactly the same
groundhogs day
i need to end it, i cannot take it anymore. i cant. i understand now. i do.
i hate where i am and want to be where im not
and think about going there
and start sobbing hysterically
have i been here often
maybe i should look back
has it always been like this
its hard to remember
i dont want to die but i really dont want to live
because although there is so much beauty
i know i wont get to see it
because im so slow
and waste so much time
and so lazy
and such a coward
that all there's ever to do are errands
and i complain the entire way through everything
and then its gone
I WANT IT TO STOP
i cant take it
i dont know how i did the things i used to do
i have been all over the world
my mother took her life too
at least she got married first
ill never be in love again
i just dont SEE HOW
i dont see how this will ever change
it has been exactly the same for a year
but i mean exactly the same
groundhogs day
i need to end it, i cannot take it anymore. i cant. i understand now. i do.
i am actually afraid to go running because im afraid of how ill feel when i come down from the high
im afraid of how ill feel when i have to walk back into my lonely apartment
im afraid of how late it will get
and i wont get my homework done
i havent done anything fun since new years
im always with the wrong person, to have fun
i have fun at work, drinking and dancing sometimes, but its work
i have fun performing, but its work too
my classes have been fun
everything is work
work and errands
i really do want to die a little
i really want to be nicer to myself
but im too angry at her
all the pain she feels is her fault
i dont know what to do besides blow my brains out
if i take a bunch of sleeping pills ill wake up feeling like shit
im afraid of how ill feel when i have to walk back into my lonely apartment
im afraid of how late it will get
and i wont get my homework done
i havent done anything fun since new years
im always with the wrong person, to have fun
i have fun at work, drinking and dancing sometimes, but its work
i have fun performing, but its work too
my classes have been fun
everything is work
work and errands
i really do want to die a little
i really want to be nicer to myself
but im too angry at her
all the pain she feels is her fault
i dont know what to do besides blow my brains out
if i take a bunch of sleeping pills ill wake up feeling like shit
i'm done with all this
i've been such a fool
i'm disgusted with myself
i've never been so tired
i don't know whether to go to work
all the girls were mean to me yesterday and i hate saturdays, there are probably like 18 of them there. there were 17 yesterday. i went to that wedding today. jess was fake but we barely exchanged a word, everyone else was all right. i took care of all my parking fees, and i bought my ticket to moscow. i took care of this old hospital bill. i went to work. i made jack shit. maybe i should go to work. i told vinnie i wouldnt though, cuz i thought id be at that wedding later. i could just stay in and finish my schoolwork. i should. but i feel like im gonna jump out of my skin. and it would be stupid to go tomorrow, with my exam at 9. its too late though, 10 o clock already. ill just go tomorrow, take the exam, and then pass out if i like. i havent gone running in forever, but im so tired and hungover. i asked j to call me and he didnt. i dont know why i felt so upset with him on friday... i think i'm just done, it's just been one nightmare of a year. i want to die. i do. last night i went home with some armenian gangster. i feel this tremendous violence toward myself but then i feel like, empathy toward myself too, i don't want to be mean to me, i don't want anyone to be mean to me, but, i don't know. i'm always thinking 'lalala nobody cares about me' but it's just like what do i expect. i'm having these really bad thoughts right now. i don't know what to do. i don't know who to call. i want to go dance but i've barely been able to keep my eyes open all day, i want to go to sleep before the sun rises for once. i want to work my body so it can feel good. it's always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and then things get done and then i was just. i'm unhappy. i am unhappy. i do everything wrong. i'm a fucking loser ok ok i'm going to stop. i guess i'll stop writing. i think i'll take a bunch of pills right now. i shouldn't do that. but i cant even cry.
i've been such a fool
i'm disgusted with myself
i've never been so tired
i don't know whether to go to work
all the girls were mean to me yesterday and i hate saturdays, there are probably like 18 of them there. there were 17 yesterday. i went to that wedding today. jess was fake but we barely exchanged a word, everyone else was all right. i took care of all my parking fees, and i bought my ticket to moscow. i took care of this old hospital bill. i went to work. i made jack shit. maybe i should go to work. i told vinnie i wouldnt though, cuz i thought id be at that wedding later. i could just stay in and finish my schoolwork. i should. but i feel like im gonna jump out of my skin. and it would be stupid to go tomorrow, with my exam at 9. its too late though, 10 o clock already. ill just go tomorrow, take the exam, and then pass out if i like. i havent gone running in forever, but im so tired and hungover. i asked j to call me and he didnt. i dont know why i felt so upset with him on friday... i think i'm just done, it's just been one nightmare of a year. i want to die. i do. last night i went home with some armenian gangster. i feel this tremendous violence toward myself but then i feel like, empathy toward myself too, i don't want to be mean to me, i don't want anyone to be mean to me, but, i don't know. i'm always thinking 'lalala nobody cares about me' but it's just like what do i expect. i'm having these really bad thoughts right now. i don't know what to do. i don't know who to call. i want to go dance but i've barely been able to keep my eyes open all day, i want to go to sleep before the sun rises for once. i want to work my body so it can feel good. it's always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and then things get done and then i was just. i'm unhappy. i am unhappy. i do everything wrong. i'm a fucking loser ok ok i'm going to stop. i guess i'll stop writing. i think i'll take a bunch of pills right now. i shouldn't do that. but i cant even cry.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Prelude to Uh...
Mmmh, sunshine lollipops.
I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.
We talked about that some.
I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...
His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.
And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.
And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...
How are they consuming?
It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...
And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...
And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,
But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...
I try.
And you're able to, push through, and get things done.
Yes, slowly...
So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...
I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...
I sort of beamed, Oh!
I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?
No, it's Paco de Lucia.
Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.
I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?
No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?
Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...
Oh, I can't, on this thing...
Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?
No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...
And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,
Oh! That sounds exactly like it!
And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?
And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-
Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-
I said No, no, it's a similar style-
In Spain there is that musical tradition-
It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-
Oh! Really?
From when I was like four-
Oh,
But I mean Gipsy Kings...
Are from France right?
Like- between-
The Basque region...
Yeah, but...
It is in-
They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-
Oh, really?
Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...
Oh right, A Mi Manera...
Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?
:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::
Oh here's your-
Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.
Yes.
I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.
We talked about that some.
I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...
His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.
And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.
And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...
How are they consuming?
It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...
And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...
And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,
But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...
I try.
And you're able to, push through, and get things done.
Yes, slowly...
So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...
I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...
I sort of beamed, Oh!
I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?
No, it's Paco de Lucia.
Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.
I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?
No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?
Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...
Oh, I can't, on this thing...
Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?
No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...
And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,
Oh! That sounds exactly like it!
And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?
And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-
Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-
I said No, no, it's a similar style-
In Spain there is that musical tradition-
It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-
Oh! Really?
From when I was like four-
Oh,
But I mean Gipsy Kings...
Are from France right?
Like- between-
The Basque region...
Yeah, but...
It is in-
They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-
Oh, really?
Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...
Oh right, A Mi Manera...
Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?
:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::
Oh here's your-
Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.
Yes.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
No Cryin' in Baseball
I'm not going to discuss today, make a list of the mundane details of which today was comprised, which will only serve to get me going and bore my faithful readers, that have made today the Worst Fucking Day I've Ever Had, not insofar as anything bad happened, just in the sense that it has caketakingly been the day I would least like to ever repeat, ever again, right now, as far back as I can remember.
Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.
'Nuff said.
For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...
And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)
Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.
'Nuff said.
For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...
And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)
Sober, Somber, Steel
cam is hot. he's really hot. his eyes are huge his eyelashes are incredibly long and curly and he's just super sexy hot. he's tall and model-y but not vain and retarded; he's intelligent and curious about the world, and very sincere and the young little boys just love so much more openly. he has good taste in music. he made me a mix cd tonight.
sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?
but so what.
it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.
but so what.
today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.
and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.
his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.
seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.
i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.
but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.
and none of it's easy.
i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.
d
sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?
but so what.
it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.
but so what.
today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.
and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.
his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.
seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.
i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.
but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.
and none of it's easy.
i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.
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