Scarlet on the Couch

i'm done with all this
i've been such a fool
i'm disgusted with myself
i've never been so tired
i don't know whether to go to work
all the girls were mean to me yesterday and i hate saturdays, there are probably like 18 of them there. there were 17 yesterday. i went to that wedding today. jess was fake but we barely exchanged a word, everyone else was all right. i took care of all my parking fees, and i bought my ticket to moscow. i took care of this old hospital bill. i went to work. i made jack shit. maybe i should go to work. i told vinnie i wouldnt though, cuz i thought id be at that wedding later. i could just stay in and finish my schoolwork. i should. but i feel like im gonna jump out of my skin. and it would be stupid to go tomorrow, with my exam at 9. its too late though, 10 o clock already. ill just go tomorrow, take the exam, and then pass out if i like. i havent gone running in forever, but im so tired and hungover. i asked j to call me and he didnt. i dont know why i felt so upset with him on friday... i think i'm just done, it's just been one nightmare of a year. i want to die. i do. last night i went home with some armenian gangster. i feel this tremendous violence toward myself but then i feel like, empathy toward myself too, i don't want to be mean to me, i don't want anyone to be mean to me, but, i don't know. i'm always thinking 'lalala nobody cares about me' but it's just like what do i expect. i'm having these really bad thoughts right now. i don't know what to do. i don't know who to call. i want to go dance but i've barely been able to keep my eyes open all day, i want to go to sleep before the sun rises for once. i want to work my body so it can feel good. it's always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and then things get done and then i was just. i'm unhappy. i am unhappy. i do everything wrong. i'm a fucking loser ok ok i'm going to stop. i guess i'll stop writing. i think i'll take a bunch of pills right now. i shouldn't do that. but i cant even cry.