on-set whine.

i just feel so fat and ugly and disgusting and broke and stupid and sad right now.... i still havent gotten any of my refunds..... im sure i WILL... but its concerning. im confused, and i dont know whyl im disconnected... i have this show on tuesday and i am NOT ready i havent practiced at all nor do i want to tell people, but i have to, to get paid.... i dont even have a good instrument... and have not been able to sing w what my self consciousness about these complaining new neighbors, and the months of busy and lazy and depressed and w the booze i have no voivce to speak of....

im on set right now, filming. i think im doing another film next month. probably for the best about the trip. definitely for the best about the trip... but like, again making me realize my lonesomeness... was planning on seeing old friends and elena and not really thinking about who i got out here....

i got emmy and sunny and Cecile, but Cecile's back and forth between here and across the country... Jo's sweet but doesn't really want to do anything but hang with her loser boyfriend and is really happy with her fucked up life in the halfway house with a curfew and no car and no job or school... it's cool... she's young... but... yeah... it's limited sometimes, it seems...

i just caaalled the damn ticketing place and was told it would take 4-5 weeks to get my refund. and i called the other place and i reeesent my check to the parking place and i've been taking care of all these things...

and julian canceled yesterday. which ended up kinda working cuz i had this audition. but. he had to cancel all his appointments i guess and his secretary called. and then i said i couldnt come tuesday cuz im filming. which i might end up not... but i dunno. i havent written him at all except to try to schedule, this week, and say i cancelled my trip. and its been a long time since i haven't written him a lot. i just dont want to. he doesnt. he doesnt want me. but then acts like he does. which is the worst. oh who cares. on