past imperfect

once upon a time i had these things
(somebody gave me a diamond ring once)
folks who looked down as i wasted time, they admired the girls brilliance
id go out to the park on sunny days or the yard or the swimming pool
and i wanted to be there and i wanted to be there and i wanted to be there
with whomever was with me, it wasnt even long ago, the way
the earth spins today and today
the air smells like the sun and cut grass and today
the air smells like yawning and today
i'm 15 years behind because each summer smells like the first
the ones that stretched before you like canvas
endless
but today
when i unlock the door
i'm already staring 15 years ahead because
today i have to count my blessings
because today i have to count change

i dont even look at the coins

they used to fascinate
they used to be treasure
treasure because they meant nothing at all
but they made me think up stories

i had to wait for my brother to go in the bathroom to
look in the mirror to
wonder what the praise was about
to wish my hair was curly
to wish my mouth was small
to paint my face
to paint my face
to paint my face and wash it off

and my brother had.something.to.say once
and my brother would say these things
once upon a time he spoke

i had these things
and longing
and one day the longing stopped because
i got it all because i didnt have to
think at all, because (the mirror never told me) i was so
BEAUTIFUL .and.that.means.you.dont.have.to.

and one day the longing stopped
and i had these things and i
lost these things
i didnt see them
and i didnt.have.to.

i used to have these things
a church on a hill against looming clouds
where i lay on the doorstep at twilight
waiting for rain,
when i couldnt make a song cry
when i couldnt go home
because we read in some books in history class that
a church was a sanctuary
and i couldnt go home because
the storm inside was louder
and darker
and endless
and at the time it was not beautiful at all
(though now it is)
because everything is beautiful now

everything is beautiful now;
i dont have anything
not these things i used to have
all those pieces.