I didn't go to work for like three weeks, high on myself, high on school, high on my love buzz, high on my music successes, feeling introverted, and intelligent, and above it all...
And finally I ran out of cash. And my boss, Tony called me, last week, and asked when I'd be in... so it was time to go in... and still I put it off... I just couldn't do it... And then on Thursday, when I really bottomed out in my depression about Julian, I made myself run 5 miles, and even that didn't do a dent, and I didn't wanna play, and I'd missed class in the morning (since which I've spoken to my prof and it's totally fine), and then I was like:
Okay S, get your ass to work. Like I always said I dance better when I'm sad.
And I went. And Tony was so nice. And the girls were all so nice, and we joked around, and I'd missed it, and a bunch of my regulars were there, and they were happy to see me, and I did well, and this kinda celebrity actor from a sitcom was there, and ended up hanging out with me all night, he wasn't gonna get a dance until he saw me dance to Empire State of Mind, he's from New York... He said Not to be cheesy, but you're hotter than all the other girls here, by like a lot... I said Please, keep it coming, I need it... And I told him about moving here and I told him about school... We went to get food after, and he gave me his number and called me the next day... He's really young, only 22, and been on this TV show since he was 18, and he so nice...
AND, AND, OMG-- what I thought would be my worst nightmare happened-- and it was fine. Funny even. I got off stage about to go talk to the TV guy cuz he was tipping a lot and said to come see him for a dance... And someone said- "Scarlet..." And I turned around and here he was, this face I recognized, a face I recognized in the club-- not FROM the club-- saying my name. "Judd. Remember?" He was from my hometown. My 5000-person, rural, hometown.
"Yeah! Wow! Hi!" (standing in silver hot pants, fish nets, my pavement glitter 6-inch heels and a black vinyl bikini top...)
"How are you?" he smirked a little.
"I am super! You?" I said with a big phony smile.
"I dunno... broke and couch-surfing..." He said. Which should have clued me into the fact that he wasn't trying to be a jerk, maybe, but... he might have been... he could've been... my thought instantly filled with thoughts of the rumor mills, plentiful as the windmills, pumping judgment from the North... my privacy had been invaded... and how dare he... this was my turf. So I treated it as such.
"Well okay, okay, first of all, if you're broke... what are you doing here." Carmen and Asia giggled behind me. I laughed. "I have to go talk to someone over there real quick, you'll be around, yeah? Okay, great." And I walked off.
When the night was over I told all the girls in the dressing room, which was nice, cuz they all were all funny and supportive...
And when I got out, dressed, he was waiting, outside the door... "So hey..." "Hey!" "You taking off?" "Well my friends were leaving but..." Oh god I thought, it's late, and I do not want to hang out, and if he's COUCH-SURFING-- "Are those your friends?" "Yeah," "Oh, go, go, go, go with them, we'll catch up, find me online or something!" I said. And that was good-bye.
But I got home, and I was certainly not depressed anymore. I'm looking forward to working again... I even hope I can make it as early as possible after my show rather than hang around there... It's fun... It's free of judgment... It's nurturing, in its own way... And most of the girls are really sweet, just living crazy lives, and often probably stressed about something, and sometimes it doesn't come out great, in that environment, being a bunch of scantily clad women essentially competing for the desire of men... Strange business. It never bothers me though...
I dunno, it's saved my life. It's allowed me my independence. It's actually allowed me to take better care of myself. It really has.
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