Time to go to class and hustle. Now I'm in a moving period. Going, going. I like my classes a lot... I'm just... sigh... I just don't know what I want to do with myself, ya know? I do well in them... I could do much better and finish school much faster if it were all I'm doing. But it's not. And I like the other stuff better. My soul needs it. So. Here I am I guess.
And the sadness. The loneliness of just not having love, even if I have friends, no love for so long... Wow. I dunno. A year. Is that normal? I mean there's been love... but... limited... extremely... frustrating... I can't move without giving it one more shot... just to run into him... and see what happens... I need to stop thinking about this. I'm thinking about it less. And I haven't written him in 4 days and I have no impulse to now.
Okay. Class.
Is a year a long time? I haven't had a long term relationship since my divorce started seven years ago. but I am loved and I love others and I get by and perhaps one day that will change.
ReplyDeleteDon't just go to school if you need the other stuff too, you never know what you will end up doing in life.
Perhaps by the time you are ready to move you will change your mind. This blog doesn't have to be about J to make it worth reading.
I know, I know, I know- gee you know BW, after that cantankerous start you are turning out to be a pretty compassionate-
ReplyDeleteYou're right, about moving, and you're right, about school-- it helps my self esteem, but it's true, and you're RIGHT, about julian, I know I don't have to write about him, I want to stop thinking about him all the time, but I'm so sad at the bottom of it all, everything seems meaningless without him, Fuck, you know?
Why thank you for the compliment, I think you have just come to realize anything I say is trying to be constructive not destructive or mean. It takes a lot of balls to publish our unedited lives for others to read.
ReplyDeleteI try to do the same thing with my life and tell some very personal truths. It makes for compelling reading, better than other blogs.
I know how other things can seem meaningless without a relationship, but you no it is not true.
yeah... cuz we need love in our lives... so, it is kind of true... sorry about your divorce... i know there's a hell, i'd like to know more about you but i didn't know you had a blog? i looked when you first commented and i couldn't find one in your profile?
ReplyDeleteI've been blogging for five years recently here:
ReplyDeletehttp://memento-mori-bathwater.blogspot.com/
Before it was here:
http://croakerscorner.blogspot.com/