Scarlet on the Couch

awwwwwwwwwwwsh

I'm so tired it's actually upsetting.

Last night, ah, my hood flew open while I was on the freeway near the leftmost lane at 9 pm going 70. It wrapped around my windshield like a batwing. I'm glad no one was with me. My heartrate didn't even go up. I registered- k- ok can't see gotta pull over that definitely bent from the windspeed signal, hazards, k hopefully there's a left shoulder yup there is just barely from my peripheral k. got out, pulled hood down, nope, couldn't latch, it was the Great Concavity.

i called my stepdad even though i knew it was midnight there; he's called me at 9 even 10 pm here a few times. i was hoping he could call AAA but he didnt pick up so i called my insurance and got their roadside assistance. i called P. told him the deal and he said whoa the dwarfs the shop talk i was so excited to get into with you i said no FUCK thats exactly what i wanna talk about, hahaha. about 10 minutes later stepdad called and i answered he was screaming said sorry i had an emergency with the car im on the other line now though and he screamed things i couldnt understand and i was like what what is WRONG with you then I heard P laughing cuz i guess he'd hung up on me after 5 seconds and it switched back. i saw later he called while i was on the with insurance and left like really nasty text messages so i just wrote him:

Sorry I called so late there was a problem with the car and sorry I couldn't answer but I was talking with the roadside assistance and I had to explain where I was. I know you were just yelling because you were worried. I'm fine.

I wrote that, even though, it was totally fucked up of him and I think he's on something. but it was good cuz today he called and was like sorry i was just worried and i understand now and i was like its fine its fine and now he's sending me money. we talked for a while and he told me all about these medical experiments he's doing that's all we usually talk about and i know he likes to tell me because i understand and ask the right questions. the kinda questions that make him pause and say, ..Yes. or Well-- it's to be seen, or rocefin is a beta inhibitor and so far they've only used it in trials with lou gherig's disease so I think it should be effective with this too, right? even though he's talking in neurology acronyms i understand it i dunno. and i know no one else does. i think he's brilliant. he just doesn't care about me like a parent cuz he's not my real dad. they never can. i don't know if my real dad is or was brilliant but im sure he is/was, he was a musician, from when i remember him. and my mom wouldnt have married someone who wasnt. she never went to school or did anything for work, but she was an artist, as much as anyone can be. we were poor and then my dad left though i dont remember any of this and then she remarried and then we weren't poor anymore. i mean no one in my town was rich or poor and its not something you pay much attention to until later like when i was in high school and started dating older guys and traveling and stuff i noticed it big time.

i wanted to go for a run but i think it truly would be impossible. ive been having so much trouble sleeping and ive been so tired, and i recorded just with my computer my songs without me singing just the piano so i can be used to doing it that way at the studio but i played them back and i realized i need to practice with the click track (or crappy keyboard metronome) so i should do it again but im so tired and a little nauseous.