The latest and the greatest- sick with sadness

I saw Julian on Monday.

That's why I haven't been writing, going to class, work, nothing.

I also... I have so much cool shit going on careerwise I can't even think about it...

Makes sense, the balance, in our lives, one side plummets so hard and low it breaks as it hits the ground, while the other floats upward with the heat.

My show w one of my best friends and absolute genius critically acclaimed on-the-map director/writer/business shark P, that we'll be shooting in a month, my album w brilliant producer of one of my favorite most also critically acclaimed undisputedly bands ever that i'm recording in a week...

But still I was fucking despondent after Monday.

because this is sad with J. It was sad this time. It was sad. I don't know what to say about it right now except at one point he was telling me like if the circumstances were different "we'd walk to the reservoir, we'd go to Viet cafe and have noodles, and then walk to the reservoir," -it was the stuff from my dream i wrote him about, like in april... and he remembered it... and he bought this book i always talk about... was telling me how he was talking to his friend about it... and yet when i first came in he was still lying to me looking me dead in the eye, stalling and asking me to repeat myself so he could come up with answers... kept asking me to explain, i don't know what he wanted me to say to let him off the hook... i asked him why he couldn't look at me when i told him certain things... and he said "because you are so holy fucking beautiful." which is what i said to him, last time. and the second time i heard him swear.

but no. he cant, wont, maybe just say it, or maybe just wont, for way longer than one month or two. for what might as well be ever. so when i left i said so i guess this is Permanent-goodbye. and he said we can hug again if you want.

and when we hugged when I left I started crying really hard on his shoulder, shaking, for a long time, and he pulled away, and i looked up, and he had his hands kind of on his cheekbones too like, like tear guards... cuz he was almost welling up tearing...........

i turned around and stared at my waterbottle so i could collect myself for a second and he was watching me and i said I know I know I have to go I know and he put his hand on my shoulder and I tousled up his hair not looking at him and said Bye pretty Julian as I walked out the door he held onto my arm and held me back and then i think changed his mind about whatever he was going to say and just smiled like he was laughing that I called him Pretty Julian and just sort of like stroked my arm lightly and said Bye Scarlet

I was sick with sadness and I had to walk home cuz my car was in the shop

I got home and wrote him I have to see you one more time

And he responded the next day "I won't be in the office as of Thursday for hopefully only a few days due to a medical procedure so I don't have any openings today or tomorrow because of that but i'll check my schedule later and see if we can set something up for next week."

He didn't write later that night.

That's why... after recording, and after the shoot, and after finishing out the semester, I'm moving back home. I can't stay here.