Going nowhere.

Right now I think I have to just end it. Maybe he doesn't want me to leave and it will really hurt him, and hey, maybe it's just in my head. Nope. Not if it's bad. Bad things are never just in my head.

I don't want to be cruel. But he can't give me anything. Not as a therapist anymore. Not as a man... And it's not going to be the same. I'm not going to be happy to see him. He's going to have his baby and he'll be stressed out and overit. We're not going to have fun conversations and jokes, and flirting now... So he wouldn't want me there either.

Because honestly? There's nothing left to say.

It was like an affair. And one thing's the same about all affairs. They can't go anywhere.

Not undermining how he's helped me, saved me from drowning, given me so much light and inspiration and I guess... I don't want to think about it now.

I'm numb.

Scarlet off the couch.

Blue-hoo.

So I got through all the unwarranted stress of this week... I'm just depressed. I feel like a part of me was cut out with a knife, and there's a hole now.

I started writing Julian last night, a long old e-mail. And I just didn't send it.

You're right Kat hot men are just always flirty. And I'm just another person he's just naturally flirty with. And that's it. And it makes me really sad. That's all.

I gotta catch up on reading and writing and a whole buncha stuff... but I'm cold here at the cafe so I'm gonna run home right now. I will soon.

Man.

Ok I'm going to WORK tomorrow night that's what I'm going to do. Maybe even tonight. Yeah. F' it. Yeah. Okay. Can someone please, how do I just misinterpret everything to this degree? I need to make a list of all the thing's he actually said. Without my stupid, wishful thinking obsession it would say nothing standard shrink sh*t I'm sure. Possibly even just arrogant and getting off on the flattery. I need to stop this. He made me feel so good... What the #$*&?? Could he really be this much of a jerk? Because, I don't know if what he's doing, if it's just therapeutic technique, is helping me right now, or doing any good. Or if any of the things he's done that HAVE been good are going to stick around now. I feel horrible. I feel like such a f'in loser. I really do. I do just want to know... even if every lick of interpretation was off, isn't he being unprofessional in some ways? At all? From what you can tell? Someone, anyone?

I MEAN WOW. I'M GONNA GET REALLY DEPRESSED NOW. FOR A WHILE, PROBABLY. And he's not gonna care. As a therapist or as a person. If I just didn't come in again, he'd probably have his secretary give a call and that would be it. I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK. ASSHOLE. OMG. Why wouldn't he make it more clear. And be nicer about it. To try to teach me something? Fuck. Seriously!? He was not exactly discouraging. He said "I'm not going to try talk you out your feelings." Maybe that's what he was doing, with his pathetic attempt gay question. And being a jerk, in general yesterday. Maybe it's all in my head. I'm done with it. Done. Done.

This was all. A terrible. Experience. When all is said and done. What the F have I been doing for 6 months. Okay. AM I REALLY REALLY STUPID? No. This is common. It's ok. I'm sad. And pathetic. And I want to die. Not to go get my hair done. But that works too. Oh god, a million depressing, nasty thoughts in my head right now. Ok, end result of this stupid experiment, is, there's no result, because the subject is an idiot. So my results are meaningless. Curtain.