So I'm seeing him tomorrow at 3... well MAYBE. He gave me one of his standby type appointments where he might not get out of court in time to make it.
Sorry guys.
EXTREME CHEMISTRY + shared dry sense of humor + lifesaving + most passionate kiss of my life = I can't help it, I have to see him again, I have a list of questions for him this time and I'm not scared of nothing. And now that I know he's been faithfully reading my letters... :::swoon::::
On another note, on the way out of class today I asked this woman where the bathroom was and she said, I just wanted to say, you're so pretty, and so smart, and every time you speak in class it's just so thought provoking, I really enjoy being in class with you.
I was gobsmacked.
Showing posts with label i love julian darcy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i love julian darcy. Show all posts
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Bad call
No, nah, take it back. I < 3 Julian. And the club is all right. $200 for 3 hours of dancing and sitting around and talking to actually okay people tonight.
Elena, however. Again haven't spoken to in a month. Calls me here when I got home, which is 5 am her time, clearly drunk, starts rambling for half an hour about her phone getting stolen and the ex boyfriend, soon as I start talking she spaces off and puts me on hold, comes back on and I'm like you must be tired, do you wanna go? And she's like, well no, I wanna talk, I mean soon yeah, cuz it's late, but no, I was like why don't we just talk another time. And she's like, Why, really? Tell me, no! I'm like There's nothing to tell, you're tired, we'll talk another time. She's like Okay but call me! I'm like your phone got stolen, you call me. She's like okay I will! Bye! And I just hung up.
I mean, it's really disgusting to me at this point.
How self-absorbed and childish and thoughtless and frivolous she's become. I'm fucking over it.
Elena, however. Again haven't spoken to in a month. Calls me here when I got home, which is 5 am her time, clearly drunk, starts rambling for half an hour about her phone getting stolen and the ex boyfriend, soon as I start talking she spaces off and puts me on hold, comes back on and I'm like you must be tired, do you wanna go? And she's like, well no, I wanna talk, I mean soon yeah, cuz it's late, but no, I was like why don't we just talk another time. And she's like, Why, really? Tell me, no! I'm like There's nothing to tell, you're tired, we'll talk another time. She's like Okay but call me! I'm like your phone got stolen, you call me. She's like okay I will! Bye! And I just hung up.
I mean, it's really disgusting to me at this point.
How self-absorbed and childish and thoughtless and frivolous she's become. I'm fucking over it.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Soldiering ever and on
I'm like.. I'm like.. I dunno..
I'm tired. Man I'm tired. Not a lot of sleep, hardly any, ran 3 miles to the gym then took my yoga class and then swam. I met all these people at the gym and I ran into Mia, another dancer at the club, and she's one of the few cool ones and we actually exchanged numbers. She's pretty and smart too.
And then... I went to Table Top, cuz they have wi-fi now, as in Table Top next door to Cooperland, Home of J's Office, where he gets his coffee.
I sat there for 2 and a half hours. But I got all my linguistics homework done. Actually I got way ahead. Linguistics actually gets me going. It really does, and I dunno, in class today after like an hour I felt like people were getting irritated when I'd make arguments or observations the prof couldn't even really argue with, so I just shut up and looked down and wrote a letter to J in my notebook.
Obviously he didn't show up at Table Top. So I went by the Cooperland parking lot and looked in his car. To see what was in it. Unwashed. Yoga-mat. No more Paris pamphlet.
Meh.
I'm tired. Man I'm tired. Not a lot of sleep, hardly any, ran 3 miles to the gym then took my yoga class and then swam. I met all these people at the gym and I ran into Mia, another dancer at the club, and she's one of the few cool ones and we actually exchanged numbers. She's pretty and smart too.
And then... I went to Table Top, cuz they have wi-fi now, as in Table Top next door to Cooperland, Home of J's Office, where he gets his coffee.
I sat there for 2 and a half hours. But I got all my linguistics homework done. Actually I got way ahead. Linguistics actually gets me going. It really does, and I dunno, in class today after like an hour I felt like people were getting irritated when I'd make arguments or observations the prof couldn't even really argue with, so I just shut up and looked down and wrote a letter to J in my notebook.
Obviously he didn't show up at Table Top. So I went by the Cooperland parking lot and looked in his car. To see what was in it. Unwashed. Yoga-mat. No more Paris pamphlet.
Meh.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
wow.
wow.. i hadnt checked my mail all day and i got home and there was a really (no, like REALLY) hefty check from my insurance company and was mindblown and i looked at it and saw the way J filed my claims and like, i don't know, in addition to not charging me what i owed him from the last couple months, not even mentioning it, last week, he also like filed the claims so that i'd get all this money back, and i don't know that much about how it works, but i know like, he mentioned once that if the insurance company deems it medically unnecessary (which they did, hence denying coverage for my 2x weekly sessions), they might not hold the patient responsible for the payment, and actually charge the provider...
all my stuff from my insurance was going to my old roommate and i'd get it like way late, this was from like a month ago (THANK GOD she forwarded it, damn)... and i remember him asking me, like, do you get the mail from your insurance company at all?? and i said well it still goes to PA, but ive been getting the emails about the appeal... and he was just like oh, okay... and then he told me that about they might hold the provider responsible, and then he told me he'd be really surprised if they denied it, and a while before that, he had told me the amount i'd get back if the appeal went through--- and it was pretty much exactly what i just got in this check... and it is for totally different dates than anything having to do with the appeal...
god... and not only that, but he put his usual rate which is like $200 and like I think an extra session or two on the claims, when he was never charging me anything close to that... i mean on the claim it was like $400/week, i was usually paying like 40.
Maybe I'm just misunderstanding all of this, I had to email him and ask, but, if not, I mean, that's a really really sweet thing to do. Like the amount, is probably nothing to him, but to me it's a lifesaver... if anyone anyone anyone tries to twist this around into something fucked up about him, you are just an asshole. because he implied if I got anything back it would be from the appeal, if he actually did anything to get me reimbursed let alone bite the monetary bullet for it himself, he never wanted me to know about it, and i wouldn't have if i didn't happen to have a roommate who forwards me my stuff a month late, after i'd already heard the appeal was denied.
i might take this post down. and i might stop writing about him period, not just because i'm sick of hearing people saying really inaccurate inflammatory accusations about him, or because you guys are sick of hearing it, or that it was all just a fantasy, but like, he is a REALLY GOOD person and i really care about him, and i've had misgivings before, but i've had them real strong lately, about writing about him like this, on a public forum, be it anonymous or not.
i don't feel like he ever manipulated me at all, and furthermore, i kind of feel like my turning him into the subject of this suggestively (misleadingly, ha) titled expose is actually the bad behavior here.
all my stuff from my insurance was going to my old roommate and i'd get it like way late, this was from like a month ago (THANK GOD she forwarded it, damn)... and i remember him asking me, like, do you get the mail from your insurance company at all?? and i said well it still goes to PA, but ive been getting the emails about the appeal... and he was just like oh, okay... and then he told me that about they might hold the provider responsible, and then he told me he'd be really surprised if they denied it, and a while before that, he had told me the amount i'd get back if the appeal went through--- and it was pretty much exactly what i just got in this check... and it is for totally different dates than anything having to do with the appeal...
god... and not only that, but he put his usual rate which is like $200 and like I think an extra session or two on the claims, when he was never charging me anything close to that... i mean on the claim it was like $400/week, i was usually paying like 40.
Maybe I'm just misunderstanding all of this, I had to email him and ask, but, if not, I mean, that's a really really sweet thing to do. Like the amount, is probably nothing to him, but to me it's a lifesaver... if anyone anyone anyone tries to twist this around into something fucked up about him, you are just an asshole. because he implied if I got anything back it would be from the appeal, if he actually did anything to get me reimbursed let alone bite the monetary bullet for it himself, he never wanted me to know about it, and i wouldn't have if i didn't happen to have a roommate who forwards me my stuff a month late, after i'd already heard the appeal was denied.
i might take this post down. and i might stop writing about him period, not just because i'm sick of hearing people saying really inaccurate inflammatory accusations about him, or because you guys are sick of hearing it, or that it was all just a fantasy, but like, he is a REALLY GOOD person and i really care about him, and i've had misgivings before, but i've had them real strong lately, about writing about him like this, on a public forum, be it anonymous or not.
i don't feel like he ever manipulated me at all, and furthermore, i kind of feel like my turning him into the subject of this suggestively (misleadingly, ha) titled expose is actually the bad behavior here.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
re: re: re: last post
thank you TK, you know I think you're the Second Coming. And thank you, Bathwater, you're all right, man. :-)
and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.
but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.
so should you.
there is a meteor shower.
Perseid.
tonight.
love, to you all
miss scarlet
and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.
but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.
so should you.
there is a meteor shower.
Perseid.
tonight.
love, to you all
miss scarlet
So the Sun will Rise and the Moon will Set
And you learn how to settle for what you get.
It'll all go on if we're here or not so who cares so what.
One thing I have to say- I lost a mean 10 lbs (not waterweight, straightup) off my already lithe frame, within the last 3 weeks.
Dr J has agreed that it'll already be a month since treatment ended on Friday. Since I hadn't seen him at all ("or even written me...") for about a month before.
Soooo what if you're all right, and he's a cad, or he said I was right that he loved me, just to make me it easier for me to leave.
So what.
I have a meeting with Playboy tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know about this stuff.
It'll all go on if we're here or not so who cares so what.
One thing I have to say- I lost a mean 10 lbs (not waterweight, straightup) off my already lithe frame, within the last 3 weeks.
Dr J has agreed that it'll already be a month since treatment ended on Friday. Since I hadn't seen him at all ("or even written me...") for about a month before.
Soooo what if you're all right, and he's a cad, or he said I was right that he loved me, just to make me it easier for me to leave.
So what.
I have a meeting with Playboy tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know about this stuff.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
all beauty is cruel
here's what it is.
now that ive drugged myself into some numb stupor i'm giving you the benefit of advance warning, as i always do, so that you can come prepared with your explanations. don't know why i do this. i just cant help spilling i suppose. to you. to other people, i manage to keep my mouth relatively shut, examples as follows:
today i was talking to a person, about people in hollywood talking about movies, and said something about "the place next door to my shrink". this person said, "oh you go to a therapist next door?" i said "well yeah i go to therapist but i meant this coffee place there not next door to here" and they said "oh cuz im looking for one close by" i said "oh well its pretty close its down near broad street in ridgeway" and they said "oh, do you see julian darcy?" and i said, "yeah!" and they said "oh i went to him for a while!" and i said oh yeah, he's great, and they said yeah, he's very intelligent and he's beautiful, and i of course agreed, enthusiastically, and i said yeah i'm sort of head over for him-- keeping it really light-- and they said, aw, really? and i said OH yeah. and they said well stop seeing him as a therapist and date him! and i said yeah right he's married with children. again, this was all very light. the person said, he's not married. i said yeah, he is, the person said, no, i asked him, he said he was like single... unless it was in the last, like, couple years...
i said- out of some (perhaps unwarranted) loyalty and respect for you-- oh yeah it was really recently he had a child. and they said oh ok, so he met someone and got married wow.
so that was that. you can imagine julian. how i must feel right now. out of some loyalty and respect for you, and characteristic disrespect for myself, i'm telling myself you told me this, to try to get me to get over you. instead of just telling me whatever the truth is. or maybe you tell other people, you don't tell them about your family, to protect them? but it seems a little extreme. this person is not tony soprano, or a serial killer.
why would you lie to me about this? why would... it's really very insulting if you did that. it's really, really insulting. it's condescending. you really think it was something to protect my feelings or help me some how? that you would have to lie to me? how can i trust you now? what are you doing, what are you thinking, what's going on in that head of yours. i don't know you at all. i don't know who you are.
even before this totally random (and yet formally perfect, as in the PERFECT FUCKING SHAPE) i started thinking, i really can't be your patient anymore. i can't do it. i love you, and i want you, and i don't want you to pretend to be this objective witness/soundingboard/hotline anymore, and i dont, deep down, believe that it's completely one-sided, it just does not feel that way, and there are so many innuendos and so much subtext and when i tell you that and you just blatantly look me in the eye and deny that, it is insulting, and it is reckless, and it is hurtful. and i cant see it as excusable unless you have some EMOTION toward me too. if you dont, and you are completely coolly and carelessly toying with my head because you find it amusing, unaware of the hurt you will ultimately cause, you are a selfish and thoughtless person and everything i thought about you is wrong.
but i realized, a litte ways into this little vacation of yours, that i cannot see you as a therapist. it reduces my life to two hours a week. that i'm paying money for. and not getting anything in return. it feels like i am, but i'm not. you have helped me with things, you really did for a while, and for a while it's just been me wanting to see you, because i dont want to lose you. because im so afraid of losing you. but i cant go on like this.
if you really as you say just have no interest in knowing me, outside of that room, then i guess i will have to swallow that fucking bullet, better now than later. better now than later. my life is on standstill.
you know. you've probably known for a while, how hard and far i have FALLEN for you. maybe you dont. maybe you think i'm also just playing around like you are. for some distraction.
I DONT KNOW.
I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING STORY IS JULIAN
but you better explain it to me. if you have any shred of decency, or respect for me, or compassion, you better explain it to me, and you better not lie to my face-- if you were lying about your marriage, or your family, just tell me flat out, give me your reasons, i will accept them, you know, i think so highly of you, i adore you, and at least i thought i understood you, so i really will understand-- and if you just thought it would hurt my feelings to say you aren't attracted to me or interested in me then SAY IT.
god, i am not stupid. i am not stupid. i notice the caution you've used with your words. i know there are certain things you cannot say. i know when you're being ambiguous. i know there are certain things you HAVENT said. and there are certain 6th sense sort of visions " " (yeah i'm a fucking crazy moron, shoot me, and fuck yourself) i have about you- your personal life- your family situation. and at the risk of sounding HAUGHTY to use your word, or narcissistic, i mean WHAT A FUCKING FOOL, how i PUT MYSELF on the fucking LEDGE for you??? how much i have been a FOOL over you, for you, risked every shred of dignity for you??? and this is how, rather, this is how you DONT reciprocate?
so i am NOT a narcissist. i know i have HUMILITY. and i used to have GRACE. and now i don't know WHERE that's gone. but at the risk of sounding narcissistic, i KNOW you are attracted to me, i know you LET me know that, i know at one point you didnt, and then you did, and then you didnt, and there are unsaid understandings between us, and normally when i mention them in the emails, the next time i see you you act like a complete cold, distant asshole, as if to rid me of any confidence i have that there's ANYTHING mutual, and i'm SICK of it. i've had just about enough. i KNOW that i play these games with you, and i KNOW that you play them with me. and i know that youve never done or said anything- because youre very clever- that could ever definitely, without a doubt, make me sure. and fuck, i'll be honest, it's hot, i admire, and am extremely turned on, by how clever you are. and the fact that every time i go out on a limb like this, i have to think, god, if i'm wrong, i am SUCH an asshole, and god, of course i'm wrong, and god, i am SUCH an asshole, and then I START BEATING MYSELF TO A BLOODY PULP over it, how delusional, and stupid, and unattractive, and ridiculous i am.
IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT
you're not stupid either. you play dumb sometimes dont you. you cant tell me, that you do not know, the effect you have on me, the provocative things you say, all the teases, all the teases, my god, even as im furious crying typing this tome, writing that-- "teases", thinking about your TEASING, makes me fucking just (@)*#$ need to take a break with a curling iron and a cold shower-- i really-- i need to stop writing right now.
you know
ok
so the only thing i cant figure out. the only thing i really dont know. is your motivation.
are you just, going along for kicks. teasing me to spice things up for yourself and keep me hanging all over you. careless and thoughtless as to how it will end? just not thinking that far ahead?
if i leave, will you care, if i leave, which i will, if i leave you as a patient will you leave me as a person. if i stop paying you. is it over. this great connection. is it all just fucking over. fucking over. will you never %$*@ me into sanity. i need it. but whatever. you dont like that, you dont like that kind of talk, i dont either, but by god, at this point. by fucking god.
and theres only a certain amount of ignorance you can plausibly plead. because you do know me, even if i know nothing of you. you know my obsessive brain. you know that i've thought this through. you know that i've considered that maybe, i just need the confidence to walk out your fucking door, in order to be in your life. and that im also terribly afraid that walking out your door is walking out of your life. because that is the implication, isnt it. "but this IS therapy, that's what this IS" you said once. yeah. but ive thought that. and i want it. whatever it means. whether it means, once, or twice, or just meeting you for a coffee at some dumpy dingy place where no one will see us or walking down Central Park South with my arm around your waist, whether it means hanging around waiting for you the way i am right now, with the same strict, minimal schedule, or not, i want it, i want it, i want YOU, i dont want to be sitting at a distance and FUCKING PAYING YOU like the idiots at the CLUB pay ME to talk to to me for 20 minutes. and that despite everything you said, oh forget it. forget it.
and you? haven't thought this out at all? or do you think you know me so well by now that you know i can take all your careless playing and still be fine, take another huge disappointment, take being carved in half and walk upright. and no, dear, no. you are NOT, you are NOT helping me find a future relationship. you are NOT, showing me what it CAN be like for next time. because there will never be this again. there is no other you, there is no other now, there is no next time, there is no fucking tuesday.
and furthermore, after experiencing, YOU, experiencing, our conversations, our connection, and haven't end in the worst fucking pain, the blinding fucking pain of right now, I don't think I will want anything like it. i think after being built up and torn down by you, being made to believe for CERTAIN that i'm delusional, seeing the angel become the devil before my eyes, seeing that,
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
that's what i will KNOW in my body to be true, if i walk out your door as you nod and say nothing, and nothing, and nothing to me ever again
and MAYBE you told me your story------- now maybe you told me your story to prepare me for being so hurt that i will call down the quarters and the guardians of the watchtowers and invoke the spirit and wish upon the universe to bring you harm.
maybe you wanted me to know thats how this will end.
but it wont julian. i dont think it will end right now at all. i really dont in my heart of hearts believe it.
and if it does, i will walkaround jawdropped at your cruelty, but i will understand, because i'm sure i have been unintentionally cruel. i know i have. and i know im forgiven because to them i am beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and to me you are beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and i will never wish you harm. every moment of every day i wish nothing but good for you and you should KNOW that and you should FEEL that and you should be THANKFUL for that. because i also know how to destroy. but i do not destroy people, everyone whom i have hurt somehow has come out stronger, and the only person i destroy is myself. and you saw that very early on. and it's sad to me and i want to be kind to myself like you told me to. and you told me to be kind to myself. and i will always love you. and you have taught me a lot. and i know that my love for you is beautiful, and that its mine, and you cant take it away from me. but perhaps all this teaching has caused the soul to learn away a lot of its joy.
maybe when i see you on friday you will stonewall me, mock me, lie to me, slap me in the face. and maybe i will lock eyes with you and melt, melt in your radiance, but i will solidify I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH and Julian, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS. and i am not asking you for anything. you say, whatever the fuck you want to say. you always do anyway.
so now are you starting to see the shapes? are you starting to see the shape of things to come? the way they always fit so perfectly right? you were away and i was alone and i was sad and sad and sad and i was excited for you to come back and you would have come back and WHAT. i would have sat there, blushing and giggling and crying as you teased me or ignored me or shared just enough of yourself to wake my sleeping heart? no. no, no, that would be shapeless. that would be utterly lacking in form. to walk, two days before your return, into a relative stranger and find out that maybe-- to be jolted awake by that instead?
that's formal.
that's shapely.
whatever you do you know that you are the only person i've ever been able to share this with, and that without that, without you, without you, without you now, here, out here, out here after having that and after, right after, right after the last time i saw you i thought i have shared it all with someone now---and he glows gold onto every corner of my mind and i...
do you see colors julian
tell me
tell me when you see me please
if im still red and white and violet
if i still glow at all
now that ive drugged myself into some numb stupor i'm giving you the benefit of advance warning, as i always do, so that you can come prepared with your explanations. don't know why i do this. i just cant help spilling i suppose. to you. to other people, i manage to keep my mouth relatively shut, examples as follows:
today i was talking to a person, about people in hollywood talking about movies, and said something about "the place next door to my shrink". this person said, "oh you go to a therapist next door?" i said "well yeah i go to therapist but i meant this coffee place there not next door to here" and they said "oh cuz im looking for one close by" i said "oh well its pretty close its down near broad street in ridgeway" and they said "oh, do you see julian darcy?" and i said, "yeah!" and they said "oh i went to him for a while!" and i said oh yeah, he's great, and they said yeah, he's very intelligent and he's beautiful, and i of course agreed, enthusiastically, and i said yeah i'm sort of head over for him-- keeping it really light-- and they said, aw, really? and i said OH yeah. and they said well stop seeing him as a therapist and date him! and i said yeah right he's married with children. again, this was all very light. the person said, he's not married. i said yeah, he is, the person said, no, i asked him, he said he was like single... unless it was in the last, like, couple years...
i said- out of some (perhaps unwarranted) loyalty and respect for you-- oh yeah it was really recently he had a child. and they said oh ok, so he met someone and got married wow.
so that was that. you can imagine julian. how i must feel right now. out of some loyalty and respect for you, and characteristic disrespect for myself, i'm telling myself you told me this, to try to get me to get over you. instead of just telling me whatever the truth is. or maybe you tell other people, you don't tell them about your family, to protect them? but it seems a little extreme. this person is not tony soprano, or a serial killer.
why would you lie to me about this? why would... it's really very insulting if you did that. it's really, really insulting. it's condescending. you really think it was something to protect my feelings or help me some how? that you would have to lie to me? how can i trust you now? what are you doing, what are you thinking, what's going on in that head of yours. i don't know you at all. i don't know who you are.
even before this totally random (and yet formally perfect, as in the PERFECT FUCKING SHAPE) i started thinking, i really can't be your patient anymore. i can't do it. i love you, and i want you, and i don't want you to pretend to be this objective witness/soundingboard/hotline anymore, and i dont, deep down, believe that it's completely one-sided, it just does not feel that way, and there are so many innuendos and so much subtext and when i tell you that and you just blatantly look me in the eye and deny that, it is insulting, and it is reckless, and it is hurtful. and i cant see it as excusable unless you have some EMOTION toward me too. if you dont, and you are completely coolly and carelessly toying with my head because you find it amusing, unaware of the hurt you will ultimately cause, you are a selfish and thoughtless person and everything i thought about you is wrong.
but i realized, a litte ways into this little vacation of yours, that i cannot see you as a therapist. it reduces my life to two hours a week. that i'm paying money for. and not getting anything in return. it feels like i am, but i'm not. you have helped me with things, you really did for a while, and for a while it's just been me wanting to see you, because i dont want to lose you. because im so afraid of losing you. but i cant go on like this.
if you really as you say just have no interest in knowing me, outside of that room, then i guess i will have to swallow that fucking bullet, better now than later. better now than later. my life is on standstill.
you know. you've probably known for a while, how hard and far i have FALLEN for you. maybe you dont. maybe you think i'm also just playing around like you are. for some distraction.
I DONT KNOW.
I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING STORY IS JULIAN
but you better explain it to me. if you have any shred of decency, or respect for me, or compassion, you better explain it to me, and you better not lie to my face-- if you were lying about your marriage, or your family, just tell me flat out, give me your reasons, i will accept them, you know, i think so highly of you, i adore you, and at least i thought i understood you, so i really will understand-- and if you just thought it would hurt my feelings to say you aren't attracted to me or interested in me then SAY IT.
god, i am not stupid. i am not stupid. i notice the caution you've used with your words. i know there are certain things you cannot say. i know when you're being ambiguous. i know there are certain things you HAVENT said. and there are certain 6th sense sort of visions " " (yeah i'm a fucking crazy moron, shoot me, and fuck yourself) i have about you- your personal life- your family situation. and at the risk of sounding HAUGHTY to use your word, or narcissistic, i mean WHAT A FUCKING FOOL, how i PUT MYSELF on the fucking LEDGE for you??? how much i have been a FOOL over you, for you, risked every shred of dignity for you??? and this is how, rather, this is how you DONT reciprocate?
so i am NOT a narcissist. i know i have HUMILITY. and i used to have GRACE. and now i don't know WHERE that's gone. but at the risk of sounding narcissistic, i KNOW you are attracted to me, i know you LET me know that, i know at one point you didnt, and then you did, and then you didnt, and there are unsaid understandings between us, and normally when i mention them in the emails, the next time i see you you act like a complete cold, distant asshole, as if to rid me of any confidence i have that there's ANYTHING mutual, and i'm SICK of it. i've had just about enough. i KNOW that i play these games with you, and i KNOW that you play them with me. and i know that youve never done or said anything- because youre very clever- that could ever definitely, without a doubt, make me sure. and fuck, i'll be honest, it's hot, i admire, and am extremely turned on, by how clever you are. and the fact that every time i go out on a limb like this, i have to think, god, if i'm wrong, i am SUCH an asshole, and god, of course i'm wrong, and god, i am SUCH an asshole, and then I START BEATING MYSELF TO A BLOODY PULP over it, how delusional, and stupid, and unattractive, and ridiculous i am.
IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT
you're not stupid either. you play dumb sometimes dont you. you cant tell me, that you do not know, the effect you have on me, the provocative things you say, all the teases, all the teases, my god, even as im furious crying typing this tome, writing that-- "teases", thinking about your TEASING, makes me fucking just (@)*#$ need to take a break with a curling iron and a cold shower-- i really-- i need to stop writing right now.
you know
ok
so the only thing i cant figure out. the only thing i really dont know. is your motivation.
are you just, going along for kicks. teasing me to spice things up for yourself and keep me hanging all over you. careless and thoughtless as to how it will end? just not thinking that far ahead?
if i leave, will you care, if i leave, which i will, if i leave you as a patient will you leave me as a person. if i stop paying you. is it over. this great connection. is it all just fucking over. fucking over. will you never %$*@ me into sanity. i need it. but whatever. you dont like that, you dont like that kind of talk, i dont either, but by god, at this point. by fucking god.
and theres only a certain amount of ignorance you can plausibly plead. because you do know me, even if i know nothing of you. you know my obsessive brain. you know that i've thought this through. you know that i've considered that maybe, i just need the confidence to walk out your fucking door, in order to be in your life. and that im also terribly afraid that walking out your door is walking out of your life. because that is the implication, isnt it. "but this IS therapy, that's what this IS" you said once. yeah. but ive thought that. and i want it. whatever it means. whether it means, once, or twice, or just meeting you for a coffee at some dumpy dingy place where no one will see us or walking down Central Park South with my arm around your waist, whether it means hanging around waiting for you the way i am right now, with the same strict, minimal schedule, or not, i want it, i want it, i want YOU, i dont want to be sitting at a distance and FUCKING PAYING YOU like the idiots at the CLUB pay ME to talk to to me for 20 minutes. and that despite everything you said, oh forget it. forget it.
and you? haven't thought this out at all? or do you think you know me so well by now that you know i can take all your careless playing and still be fine, take another huge disappointment, take being carved in half and walk upright. and no, dear, no. you are NOT, you are NOT helping me find a future relationship. you are NOT, showing me what it CAN be like for next time. because there will never be this again. there is no other you, there is no other now, there is no next time, there is no fucking tuesday.
and furthermore, after experiencing, YOU, experiencing, our conversations, our connection, and haven't end in the worst fucking pain, the blinding fucking pain of right now, I don't think I will want anything like it. i think after being built up and torn down by you, being made to believe for CERTAIN that i'm delusional, seeing the angel become the devil before my eyes, seeing that,
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
that's what i will KNOW in my body to be true, if i walk out your door as you nod and say nothing, and nothing, and nothing to me ever again
and MAYBE you told me your story------- now maybe you told me your story to prepare me for being so hurt that i will call down the quarters and the guardians of the watchtowers and invoke the spirit and wish upon the universe to bring you harm.
maybe you wanted me to know thats how this will end.
but it wont julian. i dont think it will end right now at all. i really dont in my heart of hearts believe it.
and if it does, i will walkaround jawdropped at your cruelty, but i will understand, because i'm sure i have been unintentionally cruel. i know i have. and i know im forgiven because to them i am beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and to me you are beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and i will never wish you harm. every moment of every day i wish nothing but good for you and you should KNOW that and you should FEEL that and you should be THANKFUL for that. because i also know how to destroy. but i do not destroy people, everyone whom i have hurt somehow has come out stronger, and the only person i destroy is myself. and you saw that very early on. and it's sad to me and i want to be kind to myself like you told me to. and you told me to be kind to myself. and i will always love you. and you have taught me a lot. and i know that my love for you is beautiful, and that its mine, and you cant take it away from me. but perhaps all this teaching has caused the soul to learn away a lot of its joy.
maybe when i see you on friday you will stonewall me, mock me, lie to me, slap me in the face. and maybe i will lock eyes with you and melt, melt in your radiance, but i will solidify I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH and Julian, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS. and i am not asking you for anything. you say, whatever the fuck you want to say. you always do anyway.
so now are you starting to see the shapes? are you starting to see the shape of things to come? the way they always fit so perfectly right? you were away and i was alone and i was sad and sad and sad and i was excited for you to come back and you would have come back and WHAT. i would have sat there, blushing and giggling and crying as you teased me or ignored me or shared just enough of yourself to wake my sleeping heart? no. no, no, that would be shapeless. that would be utterly lacking in form. to walk, two days before your return, into a relative stranger and find out that maybe-- to be jolted awake by that instead?
that's formal.
that's shapely.
whatever you do you know that you are the only person i've ever been able to share this with, and that without that, without you, without you, without you now, here, out here, out here after having that and after, right after, right after the last time i saw you i thought i have shared it all with someone now---and he glows gold onto every corner of my mind and i...
do you see colors julian
tell me
tell me when you see me please
if im still red and white and violet
if i still glow at all
Friday, July 16, 2010
Subj:
I wrote him something about Ramanujan... as well as some other stuff... when I got home. I know I said I stopped writing him. I lied. I mean, I did for a while...
It was... about Ramanujan and... other stuff and... I sent him a link to a video of one of my shows someone posted up... and I asked, well, mused, about whether he even received the e-mail... and he responded:
Subj: The woman who knew infinity
Yes I did get this. I can still call you tomorrow if you want. Let me know in the morning.
J
It was... about Ramanujan and... other stuff and... I sent him a link to a video of one of my shows someone posted up... and I asked, well, mused, about whether he even received the e-mail... and he responded:
Subj: The woman who knew infinity
Yes I did get this. I can still call you tomorrow if you want. Let me know in the morning.
J
Thursday, July 15, 2010
But.
God I love him. God I love him. God I love you. God I love you.
Oh me and my "really primitive urges" right? REDUNDANCY, SIC. Thank you Julian C Darcy, from the Department of Redundancy Department, Thanks, hi what urges aren't primitive and what things primitive aren't REALLY primitive and since when is that grounds for dismissal, Pinkerian, isn't that like the most important point of everything?? I'M supposed to be the one musing on the value of aesthetic airstuff and lately he's been, he's even using that word now, "aesthetic", and being really abstract, and kind of hard-to-follow, and, well, it's making me mindraced and heartraced and it makes me body ache in really unsuitable ways, which I know is beside the point, but see J we're really really alike, and you're using my whole artillery of weapons against me to arm me for FUTURE WARS with foreign powers aren't you?
And what's fucked up is that-- fighting fire with fire is only going to burn down the HOUSE, and cause fireworks, big, magical, beautiful, ancient Chinese lightshows in the nightsky, gems of shine to rival Aldeberon and the Pleiades and Polaris and Sirius B, seriousLY, claps of thunder, Dopplerian screaming and screeching and whistling as they ascend, and burst, and hey, why are you always acting like you're in a minefield anyway? Trying to avoid setting off a spark? If there is no spark? And why have I been using war metaphors? Oh me and my "aggressive" and "violent" "primitive urges." They are VIOLET. Cuz I'm red and you're blue. Violet. They are getting violent though, pressure is building, buildings and buildings, they climb their way into the atmosphere, they will explode.
And it will be like the lights suddenly went on in one hundred million buildings at midnight in New York City from an airplane soaring fifty thousand feet in the sky.
And it will be the big bang and millions of galaxies in spirals in seconds from the black abyss, from holes of grim nothing and mirrors of everything.
And it will be like the light suddenly went on.
And it will be like And God said Let there be Light.
Oh me and my "really primitive urges" right? REDUNDANCY, SIC. Thank you Julian C Darcy, from the Department of Redundancy Department, Thanks, hi what urges aren't primitive and what things primitive aren't REALLY primitive and since when is that grounds for dismissal, Pinkerian, isn't that like the most important point of everything?? I'M supposed to be the one musing on the value of aesthetic airstuff and lately he's been, he's even using that word now, "aesthetic", and being really abstract, and kind of hard-to-follow, and, well, it's making me mindraced and heartraced and it makes me body ache in really unsuitable ways, which I know is beside the point, but see J we're really really alike, and you're using my whole artillery of weapons against me to arm me for FUTURE WARS with foreign powers aren't you?
And what's fucked up is that-- fighting fire with fire is only going to burn down the HOUSE, and cause fireworks, big, magical, beautiful, ancient Chinese lightshows in the nightsky, gems of shine to rival Aldeberon and the Pleiades and Polaris and Sirius B, seriousLY, claps of thunder, Dopplerian screaming and screeching and whistling as they ascend, and burst, and hey, why are you always acting like you're in a minefield anyway? Trying to avoid setting off a spark? If there is no spark? And why have I been using war metaphors? Oh me and my "aggressive" and "violent" "primitive urges." They are VIOLET. Cuz I'm red and you're blue. Violet. They are getting violent though, pressure is building, buildings and buildings, they climb their way into the atmosphere, they will explode.
And it will be like the lights suddenly went on in one hundred million buildings at midnight in New York City from an airplane soaring fifty thousand feet in the sky.
And it will be the big bang and millions of galaxies in spirals in seconds from the black abyss, from holes of grim nothing and mirrors of everything.
And it will be like the light suddenly went on.
And it will be like And God said Let there be Light.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Bonkers, Brilliant, or Brave?
from another letter to julian, from last night. i saw him today. nothing happened, but, it's always good to see him...
"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.
so i cant say i blame you jd
Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.
and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.
and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...
and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............
you want to kill me right now dont you.
if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.
oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless
good night
love
s"
bonkers, brilliant or brave?
"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.
so i cant say i blame you jd
Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.
and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.
and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...
and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............
you want to kill me right now dont you.
if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.
oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless
good night
love
s"
bonkers, brilliant or brave?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Playlist
i need to make JJ a CD for his bday which I suspect is now... i see him in 2 hours... have to hurry with the playlist... learning to play the Cure's "Love Song" maybe for my show but I think I'm already at 40 min as it is...
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Sorry. I'm not dead... I don't know where I was this past week... It feels like longer than it's been.
I had a weird thing with J again, but, I dunno I had my show on Tuesday and I got myself rocked on Vicodin and kind of remained that way until this morning.
Now I'm at Paul's house and I want to cry, I just, I don't like him, I don't like the way he talks to me, it's not rude or mean it's just like I don't know I feel like a courtesan, that's kind of what I'm being but it pisses me off there's only so much I can close my eyes and think about JJ when he feels nothing like JJ and I'm just up here in these new clothes and we're about to go to a party and I feel like the world is wobbling.
I'm definitely going to write more later. And read. I have to catch up with myself.
I had a weird thing with J again, but, I dunno I had my show on Tuesday and I got myself rocked on Vicodin and kind of remained that way until this morning.
Now I'm at Paul's house and I want to cry, I just, I don't like him, I don't like the way he talks to me, it's not rude or mean it's just like I don't know I feel like a courtesan, that's kind of what I'm being but it pisses me off there's only so much I can close my eyes and think about JJ when he feels nothing like JJ and I'm just up here in these new clothes and we're about to go to a party and I feel like the world is wobbling.
I'm definitely going to write more later. And read. I have to catch up with myself.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Prelude to Uh...
Mmmh, sunshine lollipops.
I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.
We talked about that some.
I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...
His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.
And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.
And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...
How are they consuming?
It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...
And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...
And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,
But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...
I try.
And you're able to, push through, and get things done.
Yes, slowly...
So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...
I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...
I sort of beamed, Oh!
I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?
No, it's Paco de Lucia.
Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.
I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?
No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?
Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...
Oh, I can't, on this thing...
Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?
No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...
And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,
Oh! That sounds exactly like it!
And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?
And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-
Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-
I said No, no, it's a similar style-
In Spain there is that musical tradition-
It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-
Oh! Really?
From when I was like four-
Oh,
But I mean Gipsy Kings...
Are from France right?
Like- between-
The Basque region...
Yeah, but...
It is in-
They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-
Oh, really?
Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...
Oh right, A Mi Manera...
Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?
:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::
Oh here's your-
Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.
Yes.
I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.
We talked about that some.
I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...
His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.
And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.
And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...
How are they consuming?
It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...
And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...
And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,
But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...
I try.
And you're able to, push through, and get things done.
Yes, slowly...
So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...
I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...
I sort of beamed, Oh!
I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?
No, it's Paco de Lucia.
Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.
I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?
No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?
Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...
Oh, I can't, on this thing...
Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?
No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...
And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,
Oh! That sounds exactly like it!
And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?
And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-
Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-
I said No, no, it's a similar style-
In Spain there is that musical tradition-
It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-
Oh! Really?
From when I was like four-
Oh,
But I mean Gipsy Kings...
Are from France right?
Like- between-
The Basque region...
Yeah, but...
It is in-
They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-
Oh, really?
Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...
Oh right, A Mi Manera...
Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?
:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::
Oh here's your-
Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.
Yes.
Friday, May 28, 2010
ESPeezy
I gave Julian the CD, two of the songs on it were like his theme song at some point in life that he would listen to over and over in the car. :-0
Saturday, May 22, 2010
UM
Today I shifted forward in my seat slightly to sit up a little straighter because I felt I was slouching and you INSTANTLY retreated and moved your entire chair back, and I even INSTANTLIER heaved myself over to the VEEEERY end of the couch away from you and just shook my head and scoffed, midway through my sentence, and i didn't even look up at you as I did it, or after I did it, or move back, I just went right on talking and not looking at you, as we played Chicken, and it was like playing with a sign that said "Don't Play Chicken With Cars. The Cars Will Win." And it was, okay, how far are we gonna take this okay, Dare! Dare! Dare! DARE. DARE.
Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....
Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.
I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.
Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.
Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.
There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?
Um... well...
I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.
I am!
Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?
Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?
::smirk:: I mean if you are, I haven't heard anything about them.
::stifled smirk:: Really?
Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?
Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...
I see. Is that getting worse?
::nod:: Yes.
Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--
BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,
Can I see that book by the way?
Here--- ::gives it:: For example, I read this and it was so obvious to me what the shape was about. And everyone was like, Oh that ending was such a copout! And I was just like, no, I mean, that was the entire POINT, and-- that's not the one I wanted to give you-- that's the one I'm talking about now--
I know. ::reading in the middle::
Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...
::as though not listening. Beat. Gives back book.::
SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.
::nodding:: So...?
So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...
Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.
Ah- right... Yeah.
But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--
Ha!
Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---
::::::tone break, as J describes his shrink friend and why they like each other, emphasis on individual strengths... expounds on history of certain Central Asian country genocide and residual resultant cultural side effects... S laughs, waxes pharmaceutical, ties to Psych class, tonight's exam at bowling alley. J gets a helluva kick out of this. Apologizes for laughing. ("I'm sorry it's just... It's just surreal, actually, it's really Napoleon Dynamite, I mean the test at the bowling alley? Naturally! Sorry for making light of it... What? Is there a malevolent subtext I'm missing?") ::::::::::::::
So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?
Um...
I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...
Well...
Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--
Okay. Okay.
Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::
:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?
Yes?
Can you give me his number?
Sorry?
The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?
Oh, sure.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....
Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.
I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.
Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.
Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.
There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?
Um... well...
I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.
I am!
Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?
Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?
::stifled smirk:: Really?
Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?
Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...
I see. Is that getting worse?
::nod:: Yes.
Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--
BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,
Can I see that book by the way?
Here--- ::gives it::
I know. ::reading in the middle::
Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...
SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.
So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...
Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.
Ah- right... Yeah.
But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--
Ha!
Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---
So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?
Um...
I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...
Well...
Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--
Okay. Okay.
Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::
:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?
Yes?
Can you give me his number?
Sorry?
The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?
Oh, sure.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tomorrow at 5.
So in response to my e-mails he moved my appointment from Friday at 2 to tomorrow at 6.
And had the secretary call me.
I like it. I like his style. We would've been awkward over the phone. He knows what he's doing. Hehe.
And had the secretary call me.
I like it. I like his style. We would've been awkward over the phone. He knows what he's doing. Hehe.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Tipping Point
Okay folks. Here it is. We're at the peak. We're coming to climax. Aboard the Scarlet-on-the-Couch Ride here at Magic Motors Theme Spark. It's been a bumpy ride. And it's not over. No, ladies and gentleman, it ain't over til' it's over, and even then it ain't ever over. It's a path not a point. But we have come to a point. Where it's time to get a little serious now.
Time to get a little serious.
TO: Julian
FROM: Scarlet
its so hard to tell you things when.. ive spent so much time trying to convince myself of these other things do you know what i mean?? because of things you've said and because of... just, not wanting to be rejected... but, its crazy. hah. THATS whats crazy. trying to tell myself im crazy. is crazy. i need to talk to you like asap. ok. im done being vague and scared and i DONT know whats going on but im done not-asking you, and im done not-saying what i think, and what i feel, and what i want, in person instead of just in these emails... its just like you know i have no other way to reach you... so yeah call me when you can... ok... thank you julian....
night. unless you're still up. and talk to you tomorrow? ok ok.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, no more bullshit Scar, really. Buck up. It's time to get it going.
Time to get a little serious.
TO: Julian
FROM: Scarlet
its so hard to tell you things when.. ive spent so much time trying to convince myself of these other things do you know what i mean?? because of things you've said and because of... just, not wanting to be rejected... but, its crazy. hah. THATS whats crazy. trying to tell myself im crazy. is crazy. i need to talk to you like asap. ok. im done being vague and scared and i DONT know whats going on but im done not-asking you, and im done not-saying what i think, and what i feel, and what i want, in person instead of just in these emails... its just like you know i have no other way to reach you... so yeah call me when you can... ok... thank you julian....
night. unless you're still up. and talk to you tomorrow? ok ok.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, no more bullshit Scar, really. Buck up. It's time to get it going.
Brrrring brrrring.
(Brrrring Brrrring!)
Hello.
Hi Scarlet.
Hi.
So. What can I do for you.
What can you do for me...
Yes.
I just wanted to... talk to you I guess...
Anything in particular? I'm in the middle of some things...
Umm... No, no, I guess not.
Okay... (sigh.) Well... I guess we'll see each other on Friday?
Yes do you have any openings before then?
Oh, yeah, I'll see, I don't right now, but I can let you know if I do-
Please do...
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
-----------GOD i'm such a CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!---------------------
Hello.
Hi Scarlet.
Hi.
So. What can I do for you.
What can you do for me...
Yes.
I just wanted to... talk to you I guess...
Anything in particular? I'm in the middle of some things...
Umm... No, no, I guess not.
Okay... (sigh.) Well... I guess we'll see each other on Friday?
Yes do you have any openings before then?
Oh, yeah, I'll see, I don't right now, but I can let you know if I do-
Please do...
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
-----------GOD i'm such a CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!---------------------
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowlzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:57 PM, Scarlet O'Dwyer scarletonthecouch@gmail.com wrote:
por favor. if you can. im going to lie here face down til you do. but you wont will you. sadist. god i love you. well there goes my week. <3>On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:51 PM, Julian Darcy Ph.D. julian@jdarcypsych.com wrote:Scarlet,
I don't have any openings so I could do 1-2 minutes between sessions if its urgent. Let me know.
Thx,Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology, English and SpanishSECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.
Date: Tue, 11 May 2010 13:23:04 -0700
Subject:
From: scarletonthecouch@gmail.co
To: julian@jdarcypsych.com
Can you please call me please? My head is going to explode. Say you can't if you can't. And I'll try to detonate the bomb. But if you can please... THANK-YOU J
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CrazyTelepathRoomSex
Oh, my dearest God. I just had crazy-telepath room-sex. With Julian. As he stared me down for an hour slightly smirking shifting his legs around close to me then back and biting his lip and I stared him back down and then he kept staring definitely winning the crazytelepathroomsex award and doing it veeeeeeeeery deliberately and asking me Aren't you going to verbalize what you're thinking and I said No and then I said I'm tense and then I said And you're making me tenser and he said How am I doing that and I said the way you're looking at me as he was looking me up and down and straight and enjoying the hell out of it as I squeezed my legs together and then his pillow and trembled and flushed and blushed into a sweat and said Ohgod and he said What and he would slowly ask me some question and watch as I blanked and sighed and whenever I talked about anything he deliberately looked bored and I just wrote him to please call me please and if he does what do I say. What do I say. What do I say. Hey Julian whaaaaaaaaatareyoudoing. What are you doing. If there's gonna be crazytelepathroomsex can you at least call me a cab after cuz I can't fuckin' drive right now thanks-much.
WHAT the F?????
WHAT the F?????
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