I took Ecstasy last night... or was it some MDMA powder... I dunno... with the Croatian director D (not being cryptic w the names here it just really is an unusual one)... he told me about being a teenager during the war... stories that blew my mind... I saw clips of his movie... it looked so amazing, like nothing I've ever seen before (not because of the damn drugs, they dont do anything to me except make me cold and sleepy... he kept asking, you ok? you ok? cuz I took a lot, cuz I have the metabolism of like a t-rex, and he was like How do you feel? You feel good? and I was like, I feel... like I took ecstasy. Hahaha. I've only done it a few times, like once every couple years it seems to happen, and it's always meh and always the same), it is really gorgeous, and the stuff makes me kind of loud and shit on everything and I was telling him my Inception theory and at first he was like No, I hate this guy, cuz he's the best at what he does! and then, No, okay, that's too much, and then, Yeah, so stupid... but it was well done... so stupid though you're right... we were laughing, and I kept going ranting about it and he was like, Yeah yeah ok it's stupid but relative to what's available in the cinema in general, it was okay. And I was like, YEAH. EXACTLY. Relative to what's available in the cinema in general, IT WAS OKAY.
Hah.
We went to dinner at some fancy place and he asked me, Do you like your character? And I was like, why, do you DISLIKE it? And he said, You don't answer my question, you ask me if I like it, and I said, No, I asked if you dislike it? And he said, I love it.
That kinda melted my heart.
I was so cold though when the stuff kicked in we took a cab back to his house in WeHo and I ran to the blankets and we laid around and we messed around and we talked all kinds of crazy shit in addition to the scene at a bar in Zagreb that was hit by a cluster bomb... and everything he saw... and his dad, a sergeant in the military, at the base, alone in the dark because they couldn't have any lights on, even candles, cuz otherwise the plane's heat sensors would be able to locate the zones beneath them, as D walked in, a teenager bringing his dad something to eat, and saw him sitting amidst all the printers, the old dot matrix printers with the tractor feed paper that came out, with the holes on the side, just printing out and out and out from all the printers and his father despondent like How can I go in there tomorrow?? and he looked at the paper and saw that it was printing out thousands of names and addresses of the casualties, the soldiers, dead in that last battle....
And the way he told it...
Today I went to meet Jo for coffee and talk about this thing I'm doing with her for her school, and then I went home and finished up homework, went to class, listened to Perfect Lives, and I'm sad I am, a little sad, it's probably just that drug, and I'm fine I am, a little fine. Because, granted it's only been two weeks, but I'm going to all my classes and not dreadin' em. I participate A LOT and like the other students too. I feel so sad almost all the time but I do things that make me forget about. They come, the thoughts, they're constant, but, they're not really destructive now. But they are home.
Showing posts with label jo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jo. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Burnout
Well, I'm done. DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Done with the semester. I completed it, as impractically and ineffectively as possible. But it's done. It's done, and I don't have to worry about homework and papers and getting up in the morning ever again, for a while.
I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.
I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....
Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...
Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...
I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.
I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....
Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...
Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Sober, Somber, Steel
cam is hot. he's really hot. his eyes are huge his eyelashes are incredibly long and curly and he's just super sexy hot. he's tall and model-y but not vain and retarded; he's intelligent and curious about the world, and very sincere and the young little boys just love so much more openly. he has good taste in music. he made me a mix cd tonight.
sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?
but so what.
it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.
but so what.
today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.
and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.
his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.
seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.
i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.
but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.
and none of it's easy.
i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.
d
sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?
but so what.
it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.
but so what.
today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.
and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.
his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.
seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.
i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.
but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.
and none of it's easy.
i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.
d
Monday, May 31, 2010
Beautiful calm driving.
P called me while I was at work, I finally just got myself to GO.
I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.
What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.
So that's where I'm at.
But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.
I'm gonna do it.
I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.
And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.
I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.
What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.
So that's where I'm at.
But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.
I'm gonna do it.
I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.
And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I would LOVE some cheese with my whine, preferably Havarti. Thanks much.
Okay. It's clear. It's really clear, that nobody wants to hear about this. Anymore, or for the first time, or at all. There are exceptions. But generally-- I've been met with negative reactions.
I don't care what this means.
I'm not looking for advice.
I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.
So that's it.
Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.
One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.
I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.
ANYWAY.
After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.
WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...
??
Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.
But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."
Sigh.
Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.
At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.
Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.
And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."
Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.
But that is what I'll do.
I don't care what this means.
I'm not looking for advice.
I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.
So that's it.
Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.
One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.
I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.
ANYWAY.
After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.
WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...
??
Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.
But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."
Sigh.
Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.
At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.
Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.
And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."
Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.
But that is what I'll do.
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