Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Can I be sainted already?

Well that's really saying something, I told the cop. When a "miracle" is when you DON'T get towed and arrested because you couldn't find your classroom and happened to be coming home in time to...

He shrugged. Hey, it could be much worse!

Yeah. I said.

I did thank him though. He was knocking on the door to my building, where I happened to be standing, cuz I happened to run into Tony, cuz I happened to be coming home and he happened to have decided to look for the owner of the vehicle this chola bitch happened to claim "hit and run" from her vehicle even though it was fucking PARKED and running nowhere and right up on her bumper, yes, but not hitting her, and I don't know WHAT kind of damage she's going to claim, as there is none-- yes, I was too close to her bumper-- fine-- but, GODDAMN!!!

He told me he wouldn't have pressed any charges because yes, it clearly was not a hit and run, but I would have been towed, and I would have gotten a ticket for parking too close to the other vehicle, and, and, and... I didn't.

None of that happened.

So yes... a miracle indeed... another frustrated, crosseyed, sweatbroke fucking miracle day for Scarlet.

Love and Lube


Monday, August 30, 2010

minor detail

minor detail i omitted about kissing julian,

3 and a half weeks ago. august 6th.

about kneeling before him and taking his hand. and looking up at him.

and him looking at me. and leaning into me. and stopping. and me leaning toward him. and kissing him. and him kissing me. and me kissing him til i got dizzy and ran my hand slowly up his arm and thats when he stopped me and thats when we held hands again and thats when we stared down at our hands until i said

i can hear what youre thinking when i touch you like this

and thats when he told me he had to tell me something

and thats when he said hed made mistakes and This is... it's everything you thought. It's everything you thought and. And you're right. About everything.

the rest is how i described it. and i don't know why i left that out. my loyalty to him. my loyalty that's beginning to crumble away.

and now i cant speak to him. not a word. after a year of constant comment. and a mindblown kiss. and a long overdue admission.

now can we understand why my heart is broke.

why one day at a time is the only way to take it.

why it's hard for me to accept or indeed- to believe- that it was all just nothing- that it's something to forget- that's it not worth waiting for.

why i can't just...

"let it go"?

Going Home...

I'm talking to my friend Nicky from PA and I'm thinking I'm probably gonna just take my car and my cat and drive back there soon, like November or something. Time to go home.

She told me a little while ago about this place her uncle has, like a house that just needs to be fixed up, that she's gonna move into with a few extra rooms and she said I should come and move in with her, they don't even have to pay rent until January and even then it's like sneeze-at money for a HOUSE. It sounds great. I miss her and her family and I'm tired of holding all the walls up by myself and "pursuing" and pursuing and pursuing-- pursuing WHAT, exactly? I think it's time to stop.

I think it's time to go.

i haven't done anything for fun in like two years. i haven't felt any love in about that long. i feel old and disgusting like my body's falling apart. i have my first class tonight and i feel sick and nauseous and empty and irritable and tired and depressed and like it's pointless. i have a sort of audition thing tomorrow morning. more shit to do all this week, no money, no time, no interest, i just wish i were dead

Friday, August 27, 2010


I actually have a lot going on right now. I have a lot to do, and I have a lot to say, and at the moment right now when I want to say it all, I have to do a lot, and I don't have a lot of time, which is business as usual...

I'm kind of at a place where I'm open again. I'm talking to strangers. I feel sort of young. I have creative projects going on. I'm taking a lot of dance classes. I'm working a lot, both at the club, and at other stuff. I'm sad a lot. I haven't been here and I haven't been reading and I have a lot to catch up on. It's been really hard not to talk to Julian. It's been impossible to write, without having anything to say about Julian except... memories and things that I feel... I'm taking this story and making it into something. Something really exciting. And he's still there. We've had these little exchanges.

But I've also been a mess. And I also waste away days wasted and working and wake up with a mess at my feet. Spend a few catching up and cleaning up and then wasted away all over again. I think I'm getting better. I think I'm getting there.

I'll be there soon.

But the spout was somehow stretched and now it can't get narrower again, and it needs so much more, so much more, so much more breath, and so I'm always breathless.

Why is autumn always entropy.

I'm also facing the unique problem of WANTING to go to work but also having a million things I have to do, including recording tomorrow, big time recording, which means probably better off NOT trashing my voice tonight... sigh... but I need money, and I'm in the MOOD to work, and it's already getting late, I dunno. I dunno.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Just checking in.

I haven't been blogging; I haven't been on blogger; I've had a big to-do list and I've been tired and overwhelmed.... not quite knowing what to write and knowing I should always be doing something else so... just stopping in to say that. Just been working, and making some plans, catching my breath a little. Not feeling great, pretty often despondent, generally optimistic. News but no news. Back to the planet soon.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

sexual musings.

I think... that dancing at the club, is a sort of outlet for sexual energy that lowers my need for a satisfying real romantic sexual relationship... or a boyfriend... and having a boyfriend and being in love in a satisfying real romantic sexual relationship makes me really uninclined to want dance at the club, and release that energy somewhere else.... i've never danced for long when I was in a real relationship... not just cuz the guy didn't want me to. i didnt want to.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


wow.. i hadnt checked my mail all day and i got home and there was a really (no, like REALLY) hefty check from my insurance company and was mindblown and i looked at it and saw the way J filed my claims and like, i don't know, in addition to not charging me what i owed him from the last couple months, not even mentioning it, last week, he also like filed the claims so that i'd get all this money back, and i don't know that much about how it works, but i know like, he mentioned once that if the insurance company deems it medically unnecessary (which they did, hence denying coverage for my 2x weekly sessions), they might not hold the patient responsible for the payment, and actually charge the provider...

all my stuff from my insurance was going to my old roommate and i'd get it like way late, this was from like a month ago (THANK GOD she forwarded it, damn)... and i remember him asking me, like, do you get the mail from your insurance company at all?? and i said well it still goes to PA, but ive been getting the emails about the appeal... and he was just like oh, okay... and then he told me that about they might hold the provider responsible, and then he told me he'd be really surprised if they denied it, and a while before that, he had told me the amount i'd get back if the appeal went through--- and it was pretty much exactly what i just got in this check... and it is for totally different dates than anything having to do with the appeal...

god... and not only that, but he put his usual rate which is like $200 and like I think an extra session or two on the claims, when he was never charging me anything close to that... i mean on the claim it was like $400/week, i was usually paying like 40.

Maybe I'm just misunderstanding all of this, I had to email him and ask, but, if not, I mean, that's a really really sweet thing to do. Like the amount, is probably nothing to him, but to me it's a lifesaver... if anyone anyone anyone tries to twist this around into something fucked up about him, you are just an asshole. because he implied if I got anything back it would be from the appeal, if he actually did anything to get me reimbursed let alone bite the monetary bullet for it himself, he never wanted me to know about it, and i wouldn't have if i didn't happen to have a roommate who forwards me my stuff a month late, after i'd already heard the appeal was denied.

i might take this post down. and i might stop writing about him period, not just because i'm sick of hearing people saying really inaccurate inflammatory accusations about him, or because you guys are sick of hearing it, or that it was all just a fantasy, but like, he is a REALLY GOOD person and i really care about him, and i've had misgivings before, but i've had them real strong lately, about writing about him like this, on a public forum, be it anonymous or not.

i don't feel like he ever manipulated me at all, and furthermore, i kind of feel like my turning him into the subject of this suggestively (misleadingly, ha) titled expose is actually the bad behavior here.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

All work and no Play, boy.

I think.

That you guys are right.

I had two hours of sleep last night, I just couldn't sleep, and I was so tired, but I ended up writing a lot of music... I'm kinda stoked about it... ks I'm gonna link you too... LOL.

And I had made plans to go real early in the morning to a dance class and then yoga right after with Celine... I gotta keep myself busy now and I wanna stay in touch with my friends, especially decent classy people... and I finally gave the damn super so much hell, I mean not hell, just like, listen up asshole, no more fucking around or trying to get over on me. And I came home and ALL my shit was fixed. All the clogged sinks and the missing screen and everything.

I hadn't worked out in ages and I ran all the way to the class and then swam cuz I was early and deposited my check in the bank and then did the classes and man-- I love dancing so much-- I love it onstage but I mean this class was like hardcore salsa and I forgot how much FUN dancing is and how much I used to love it before I got so burnt out with the ballet...

And Celine's real cool...

And I'm thinking-- I can't even tell like 99% of these people about my JOB. If I started doing Playboy shit, I mean... There's no hiding that and Kris you're right, it would change the way I see myself, and it would change everything, and for what, $500 bucks? And then a future being a bl0wup doll?

And Bathwater yes. I'm making myself start eating. Pizza sounds amazing but out here on the west coast, well, it's like the same as it was in pennsyltucky... but I lived in NYC when I was in the company and I KNOW pizza. so maybe mexican?

love and lotsa carbs,



i could not sleep last night
it's okay
i was writing a lot... music and stuff.

so the playboy meeting was kinda awesome. the agent was actually way cooler than i expected, we talked about the midwest, and the industry changing, and career plans.

they loved me basically.

but now i don't know. when you start out you're not a Month or a centerfold... just a bunny chick. and it pays SHOCKINGLY little. like any regular magazine shoot... and he told me I'd have to cover up my tats, unless I wanted to do the web thing, and I don't, and to gain 5 pounds-- which would normally be a piece of CAKE-- but right now seems impossible...

And it's so public. It's playboy. and it's not like being a centerfold when you're some famous person. and now everything's on the web forever.

so I don't know, I told him that and he understood... and they have me on file, and to give him a call whenever I decide.

I'm going to just get up now I guess, bone-weary as I am, jog to the gym, meet Celine and take a couple classes that will probably kill my malnourished ass. Then come home, pass out for a bit, and go to work.

That's the plan, Stan.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

re: re: re: last post

thank you TK, you know I think you're the Second Coming. And thank you, Bathwater, you're all right, man. :-)

and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.

but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.

so should you.

there is a meteor shower.



love, to you all
miss scarlet

don't know if people read comments post commenting--

but i said:

so NOBODY thinks that waiting a few months, and the fact he's probably estranged from his wife (theory strengthened by no ring, telling girl he was single, AND a friends cyberstalking that shows wife changed last name from his to hers 5 years ago and he moved into a new house...), and affirmed my feelings, might lead to dating?

Nobody even considers this possible, and possibly good?

I know you all have the best wishes for me- I really do- and appreciate it... that's just kind of a bummer... but it's understandable. and i'll quit whining about it.


So the Sun will Rise and the Moon will Set

And you learn how to settle for what you get.
It'll all go on if we're here or not so who cares so what.

One thing I have to say- I lost a mean 10 lbs (not waterweight, straightup) off my already lithe frame, within the last 3 weeks.

Dr J has agreed that it'll already be a month since treatment ended on Friday. Since I hadn't seen him at all ("or even written me...") for about a month before.

Soooo what if you're all right, and he's a cad, or he said I was right that he loved me, just to make me it easier for me to leave.

So what.

I have a meeting with Playboy tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know about this stuff.

Monday, August 9, 2010

For the love of God.

Okay- respectfully, to all readers who have had enough of this saga, respectfully-- if you've had enough, no one is making you read on.

I don't want to have to defend myself here; that's not what this blog was about. I will NOT "let it go." I will not force myself to stop feeling or thinking about something.

My therapy is over. That is official. So that's done. So no more about visits in Dr J's office.

My contact with him is over for 2-3 months. As per slightly modified APA guidelines.

If I meet someone new, or don't, or move, or whatever, I'm not stopping myself from doing that by hanging onto this dream. I never WAS. He thought maybe I was. He thought not seeing me for 3 weeks would end all my feelings...

But whatever, I KNOW, I KNEW, I was ALWAYS RIGHT about what I felt, and what I saw, and it did for some time seem like just a "what if." But I know it ain't, guys. I know it ain't.

PS. Sorry I've been so bad about reading, and writing. I've been, ya know, caught up. I'll catch up. This week. Promise.



Saturday, August 7, 2010

The Cooldown


I am, physically and emotionally drained from this past week. And from this whole experience. And I still a bit gleeful.

I'm looking forward to this couple months of complete chillout (well maybe it seems a little long to go without seeing or hearing from Julian, but I can deal, and I know he can.) of not worrying what the next session will disclose, what I'll gain, what I'll lose, when I'll know.

I do know. Even if all y'all don't. And I understand why you don't, and I understand that you have my best interest in mind too and have had all along and I appreciate it.

And I'm looking forward to the things I'll do in this time, creatively, socially, with school, etc.

And I'm looking forward to the day I can write that I just got back from seeing Dr. Julian Darcy, Phd, at like, a coffee shop.

OK, Back to this SHIT Again:

Okay, you're right, world! If something is apparently going right in my world, it is because I'm a stupid ugly moron and someone is trying to take advantage of me, OR I'm just making it all up in my head. In this case, I again, either just READ INTO plain English and mistook it for meaning something which it did not-- or, the person whom I've come to know very intimately, because I am a horrible judge of character, is actually an awful person, who just wants to take advantage of me, even though I didn't pay for the last two months worth of therapy, because I a stupid ugly moron.

One or the other.

Either way, it's gonna get pretty awful up around here.


God, Lord up above, what did I do to deserve such happiness... I'm letting the moment melt in mouth and flow through my blood stream and pump my red-red heart... I know I'm glowing so bright and I don't want to tell anyone, and they can see... I don't know how long I should wait to call him up... one month I think I'll wait... and see what he says... I think the guidelines say 6 months... I'll wait 6 months, but not if I don't have to :-)

Oh my Julian, oh my angel, oh I've flooded with... oh when you laugh it sounds like Hallelujah...

Love and love and love,


Friday, August 6, 2010

but it was the most romantic moment of my entire life

okay--- just to clarify


I'm stopping seeing him.

He did everything by the book.

There was a mutual HEAT and passion and connection between us that is undeniable since day one, and he's never said it, and he never said he wants to see me when I leave, and he never said a faulty word.

I'm going to give him a buzz. In a month, or two. Or an e-mail. And maybe I'll hang around his magic forest, or Table Top, or go jogging by the reservoir. And if he writes me back and if I'm still in love with him, and he's still in love with me, or if I see him around, or whatever, or if I decide to wait longer, or if I get over him it was really all on the level.

I am not upset right now. I am gushing, a little bit, from touching him, and the way he looked at me and the way he held onto me so tight. But, he did help me. He helped me so much. He didn't damage me.

And I love him.

And I'm fine.

oh, god.

i got up early and got ready and even did some yoga n stuff
i went there and pressed the button and after a minute he opened the door and we didnt smile at each other
i went and i sat
we stared at each other for 3 minutes
he said i dont know where to start
he said he cant speak for the person he doesnt know who it was, i said i wasnt gonna tell him cuz i said i wouldnt, he said of course not, and he cant talk about another clients therapy, but he never said that he was single. he said he was always truthful with me, and that i probably knew that, i said I did, that I talked to JohnB and he said, you don't just MAKE UP families... I've never heard of that. and then he laughed and said that it was hard to talk with me attacking him and that even if i was angry i didnt need to make him out to be this "villain who's like, fucking with you" and i said That's the first time I heard you swear. and he said, I think it all the time. and it got to tears and it got to cruelty and humiliation and his denials and why did you let me go on, go on after he said, I am not, I do not mean this in a romantic or sexual way, I'm not going to say that I don't know that you're beautiful. Or that... But, I am not attracted to you like that.

And he said he felt like he connected with me like if there was a female ukrainian version of him it would be me and I said so what wouldnt you be humiliated? and he said Yes. And he said, have you made the decision to stop? And I said, Yes. And I said, what would you do then, if you think like me, what would you do? And he said I'd probably stop. And I said, I'm not going to see another therapist. And he said nothing. And I said IT WAS CRUEL JULIAN, EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT TO BE, LETTING ME GO ON AND ON LIKE THAT, these delusions, these thoughts I had, YOU SHOULD HAVE ADDRESSED IT-- and he said, we did address it, and I thought I was clear, and I said But WAY AFTER WE ADDRESSED IT, I kept GOING, I'm never going to do that again.

And he said nothing.

And I said you should have told me to see someone else a long time ago. And I said, you knew it, you knew how I felt, and you knew that I would only feel it more--

And he said I knew the first part, but I didn't know the second part, I thought we'd have this time apart and I thought maybe, I didn't know where you'd be, and the fact that you didn't write--

I wrote--

Well that I didn't receive...

You were on VACATION with your FAMILY and I didn't want to BOTHER YOU--

I know and I appreciate that but, I had no idea where you'd be when I got back-



You should have stopped this and told me to see someone else--

And he said Maybe I should have. And I will think about that.

Think about it after this is all done? For next time?

And he said, You are being derisive.

And I said, Sorry.

And he said, I know you feel powerless but you have the power to hurt me. Now. Or in the future.

And I said, I don't want it.

And I said Can't you see, it's all grit and gray and grime and frustration and paperwork and nothing and did you think I needed more humiliation??

And he said, I know, I'm, but I know I've helped you.

And I said, Yes, you taught me to pay parking tickets on time.

And he said angrily, I think it was more than that.

I said Yes, that all that glitters is not gold, not shooting stars, not anything real just illusion--

And he said, That's an illusion.


And I said WHY did you let me GO ON.

And he didn't say anything and we stared at each other and he stared at my legs and then he said You're staring.

And I said, I always stare at you... You're staring, too.

And then I got up and I knelt down in front of him and I held his hand and he held it back really tight and just sat there and I felt his breathing and I got closer to him and he put his other hand on top of mine and I put my hand back on his and my chin was on his knee and we sat like that for a minute, and I started running my hand up his arm and when it got to his shoulder he put his hand on it lightly to stop me but he didn't really stop me but I stopped and I brought it back down and he squeezed it and we sat there breathing and I said--

I can hear what you're thinking when I touch you like this.

And he looked away from me and then back at me and then away from me and he said Scarlet I want to say something and I'm going to ask you to sit--

And I sat back down. And I said, You don't have to say it again.

And he said, I'm not, I'm... and he said really quickly in one breath, I made some mistakes and this, this is everything you thought it was. It's everything you thought it was, you were never wrong about...

And I said, You don't have to go on.

He said, and, okay, if you see another therapist and at some point in the future would like to check in and--

I said Of course I will.

I said I still want to give you that book too.

The bible?

No, I want to give you that too but you won't read it, I laughed. This other one. I think it'll help some of your clients,

I've given up on giving you Lars you can rent it yourself...

He laughed. He told me he saw Fight Club on the plane and they cut out the plane crash sequence. I said that was beautiful, the ending, with the pixies song. He asked if I saw Lost in Translation. I said that was good too. He said Okay this is our time... any final thoughts?

I was wiping away tears but smiling and said, This will be hard

He nodded

I said Okay, and hugs are allowed, when therapy is resumed?

he said yes. he got up and he said i'll wait for you here. he walked to the door.

i said ah yes you and the door that's your thing huh.

i said I'll put the bible down cuz that would be clumsy. he laughed.


he put his hand on mine lightly again to stop me so I pulled away. and then we stared at each other.

and then i walked out the door.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

To Phoenix and Bathwater

I know. I know. I just want to hear what this last thing is he has to say. And Bathwater that's exactly right about the strip club patron, and I told him so.

I'm just an idiot.

Well at least he returns my phone call.

So he wrote me and said, S, I just got back and got your messages. Confirming tomorrow's appt. Will clear things up. Regards,

I wrote back and said, well I said a bunch of stuff, but one thing was, Clear things up? Clear things up??? That's the most creative use of language out of you yet, J.

He just called me and said Scarlet?

I said Yes?

He said Hi it's Julian.

I said, Yeah. He said he got my message and wanted to return my call, and he got in really late last night and didn't check his e-mail, and he wrote that this morning because he didn't want me to have to wait all day until he had time to call me, and he is returning my call. He said is there anything that can't wait until tomorrow?

I said, whatever.

I said, I know you have a client waiting.

He said, I do have a six o clock, but I'm here, if you--

I said, I'm just really disappointed, and a little shocked.

He said, Well, that's why I didn't want to talk--

I said, I know, there's nothing that can be covered in five minutes.

He said, well, no, I think, there's a misperception here--

I said Well yes there's been a misperception for quite some time--

He said, --that will look a lot better after we talk tomorrow.

I said, Look a lot better. I don't know about that.


I said, I'm going to let you get to work now.

He said, Okay. So I'll see you tomorrow at 2 pm.

I said, Yep.

all beauty is cruel

here's what it is.

now that ive drugged myself into some numb stupor i'm giving you the benefit of advance warning, as i always do, so that you can come prepared with your explanations. don't know why i do this. i just cant help spilling i suppose. to you. to other people, i manage to keep my mouth relatively shut, examples as follows:

today i was talking to a person, about people in hollywood talking about movies, and said something about "the place next door to my shrink". this person said, "oh you go to a therapist next door?" i said "well yeah i go to therapist but i meant this coffee place there not next door to here" and they said "oh cuz im looking for one close by" i said "oh well its pretty close its down near broad street in ridgeway" and they said "oh, do you see julian darcy?" and i said, "yeah!" and they said "oh i went to him for a while!" and i said oh yeah, he's great, and they said yeah, he's very intelligent and he's beautiful, and i of course agreed, enthusiastically, and i said yeah i'm sort of head over for him-- keeping it really light-- and they said, aw, really? and i said OH yeah. and they said well stop seeing him as a therapist and date him! and i said yeah right he's married with children. again, this was all very light. the person said, he's not married. i said yeah, he is, the person said, no, i asked him, he said he was like single... unless it was in the last, like, couple years...

i said- out of some (perhaps unwarranted) loyalty and respect for you-- oh yeah it was really recently he had a child. and they said oh ok, so he met someone and got married wow.

so that was that. you can imagine julian. how i must feel right now. out of some loyalty and respect for you, and characteristic disrespect for myself, i'm telling myself you told me this, to try to get me to get over you. instead of just telling me whatever the truth is. or maybe you tell other people, you don't tell them about your family, to protect them? but it seems a little extreme. this person is not tony soprano, or a serial killer.

why would you lie to me about this? why would... it's really very insulting if you did that. it's really, really insulting. it's condescending. you really think it was something to protect my feelings or help me some how? that you would have to lie to me? how can i trust you now? what are you doing, what are you thinking, what's going on in that head of yours. i don't know you at all. i don't know who you are.

even before this totally random (and yet formally perfect, as in the PERFECT FUCKING SHAPE) i started thinking, i really can't be your patient anymore. i can't do it. i love you, and i want you, and i don't want you to pretend to be this objective witness/soundingboard/hotline anymore, and i dont, deep down, believe that it's completely one-sided, it just does not feel that way, and there are so many innuendos and so much subtext and when i tell you that and you just blatantly look me in the eye and deny that, it is insulting, and it is reckless, and it is hurtful. and i cant see it as excusable unless you have some EMOTION toward me too. if you dont, and you are completely coolly and carelessly toying with my head because you find it amusing, unaware of the hurt you will ultimately cause, you are a selfish and thoughtless person and everything i thought about you is wrong.

but i realized, a litte ways into this little vacation of yours, that i cannot see you as a therapist. it reduces my life to two hours a week. that i'm paying money for. and not getting anything in return. it feels like i am, but i'm not. you have helped me with things, you really did for a while, and for a while it's just been me wanting to see you, because i dont want to lose you. because im so afraid of losing you. but i cant go on like this.

if you really as you say just have no interest in knowing me, outside of that room, then i guess i will have to swallow that fucking bullet, better now than later. better now than later. my life is on standstill.

you know. you've probably known for a while, how hard and far i have FALLEN for you. maybe you dont. maybe you think i'm also just playing around like you are. for some distraction.



but you better explain it to me. if you have any shred of decency, or respect for me, or compassion, you better explain it to me, and you better not lie to my face-- if you were lying about your marriage, or your family, just tell me flat out, give me your reasons, i will accept them, you know, i think so highly of you, i adore you, and at least i thought i understood you, so i really will understand-- and if you just thought it would hurt my feelings to say you aren't attracted to me or interested in me then SAY IT.

god, i am not stupid. i am not stupid. i notice the caution you've used with your words. i know there are certain things you cannot say. i know when you're being ambiguous. i know there are certain things you HAVENT said. and there are certain 6th sense sort of visions " " (yeah i'm a fucking crazy moron, shoot me, and fuck yourself) i have about you- your personal life- your family situation. and at the risk of sounding HAUGHTY to use your word, or narcissistic, i mean WHAT A FUCKING FOOL, how i PUT MYSELF on the fucking LEDGE for you??? how much i have been a FOOL over you, for you, risked every shred of dignity for you??? and this is how, rather, this is how you DONT reciprocate?

so i am NOT a narcissist. i know i have HUMILITY. and i used to have GRACE. and now i don't know WHERE that's gone. but at the risk of sounding narcissistic, i KNOW you are attracted to me, i know you LET me know that, i know at one point you didnt, and then you did, and then you didnt, and there are unsaid understandings between us, and normally when i mention them in the emails, the next time i see you you act like a complete cold, distant asshole, as if to rid me of any confidence i have that there's ANYTHING mutual, and i'm SICK of it. i've had just about enough. i KNOW that i play these games with you, and i KNOW that you play them with me. and i know that youve never done or said anything- because youre very clever- that could ever definitely, without a doubt, make me sure. and fuck, i'll be honest, it's hot, i admire, and am extremely turned on, by how clever you are. and the fact that every time i go out on a limb like this, i have to think, god, if i'm wrong, i am SUCH an asshole, and god, of course i'm wrong, and god, i am SUCH an asshole, and then I START BEATING MYSELF TO A BLOODY PULP over it, how delusional, and stupid, and unattractive, and ridiculous i am.


you're not stupid either. you play dumb sometimes dont you. you cant tell me, that you do not know, the effect you have on me, the provocative things you say, all the teases, all the teases, my god, even as im furious crying typing this tome, writing that-- "teases", thinking about your TEASING, makes me fucking just (@)*#$ need to take a break with a curling iron and a cold shower-- i really-- i need to stop writing right now.

you know


so the only thing i cant figure out. the only thing i really dont know. is your motivation.

are you just, going along for kicks. teasing me to spice things up for yourself and keep me hanging all over you. careless and thoughtless as to how it will end? just not thinking that far ahead?

if i leave, will you care, if i leave, which i will, if i leave you as a patient will you leave me as a person. if i stop paying you. is it over. this great connection. is it all just fucking over. fucking over. will you never %$*@ me into sanity. i need it. but whatever. you dont like that, you dont like that kind of talk, i dont either, but by god, at this point. by fucking god.

and theres only a certain amount of ignorance you can plausibly plead. because you do know me, even if i know nothing of you. you know my obsessive brain. you know that i've thought this through. you know that i've considered that maybe, i just need the confidence to walk out your fucking door, in order to be in your life. and that im also terribly afraid that walking out your door is walking out of your life. because that is the implication, isnt it. "but this IS therapy, that's what this IS" you said once. yeah. but ive thought that. and i want it. whatever it means. whether it means, once, or twice, or just meeting you for a coffee at some dumpy dingy place where no one will see us or walking down Central Park South with my arm around your waist, whether it means hanging around waiting for you the way i am right now, with the same strict, minimal schedule, or not, i want it, i want it, i want YOU, i dont want to be sitting at a distance and FUCKING PAYING YOU like the idiots at the CLUB pay ME to talk to to me for 20 minutes. and that despite everything you said, oh forget it. forget it.

and you? haven't thought this out at all? or do you think you know me so well by now that you know i can take all your careless playing and still be fine, take another huge disappointment, take being carved in half and walk upright. and no, dear, no. you are NOT, you are NOT helping me find a future relationship. you are NOT, showing me what it CAN be like for next time. because there will never be this again. there is no other you, there is no other now, there is no next time, there is no fucking tuesday.

and furthermore, after experiencing, YOU, experiencing, our conversations, our connection, and haven't end in the worst fucking pain, the blinding fucking pain of right now, I don't think I will want anything like it. i think after being built up and torn down by you, being made to believe for CERTAIN that i'm delusional, seeing the angel become the devil before my eyes, seeing that,
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel

that's what i will KNOW in my body to be true, if i walk out your door as you nod and say nothing, and nothing, and nothing to me ever again

and MAYBE you told me your story------- now maybe you told me your story to prepare me for being so hurt that i will call down the quarters and the guardians of the watchtowers and invoke the spirit and wish upon the universe to bring you harm.

maybe you wanted me to know thats how this will end.

but it wont julian. i dont think it will end right now at all. i really dont in my heart of hearts believe it.

and if it does, i will walkaround jawdropped at your cruelty, but i will understand, because i'm sure i have been unintentionally cruel. i know i have. and i know im forgiven because to them i am beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and to me you are beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and i will never wish you harm. every moment of every day i wish nothing but good for you and you should KNOW that and you should FEEL that and you should be THANKFUL for that. because i also know how to destroy. but i do not destroy people, everyone whom i have hurt somehow has come out stronger, and the only person i destroy is myself. and you saw that very early on. and it's sad to me and i want to be kind to myself like you told me to. and you told me to be kind to myself. and i will always love you. and you have taught me a lot. and i know that my love for you is beautiful, and that its mine, and you cant take it away from me. but perhaps all this teaching has caused the soul to learn away a lot of its joy.

maybe when i see you on friday you will stonewall me, mock me, lie to me, slap me in the face. and maybe i will lock eyes with you and melt, melt in your radiance, but i will solidify I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH and Julian, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS. and i am not asking you for anything. you say, whatever the fuck you want to say. you always do anyway.

so now are you starting to see the shapes? are you starting to see the shape of things to come? the way they always fit so perfectly right? you were away and i was alone and i was sad and sad and sad and i was excited for you to come back and you would have come back and WHAT. i would have sat there, blushing and giggling and crying as you teased me or ignored me or shared just enough of yourself to wake my sleeping heart? no. no, no, that would be shapeless. that would be utterly lacking in form. to walk, two days before your return, into a relative stranger and find out that maybe-- to be jolted awake by that instead?

that's formal.

that's shapely.

whatever you do you know that you are the only person i've ever been able to share this with, and that without that, without you, without you, without you now, here, out here, out here after having that and after, right after, right after the last time i saw you i thought i have shared it all with someone now---and he glows gold onto every corner of my mind and i...

do you see colors julian

tell me

tell me when you see me please

if im still red and white and violet

if i still glow at all

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Liar, Liar

I went to get my hair done today

I was talking to my stylist

I said something about "next door to my shrink"

She said, Oh, you have a therapist? Nearby? Cuz I'm looking for a new therapist...

I said, well I told her the address.

She said, Oh, are you seeing Julian? Darcy?

She said she saw him for two years, and she left because she felt she couldn't really talk about relationships with him because he wasn't very helpful and she just didn't feel comfortable like he didn't get her and that also one time he recommended this movie to her (a dark kinda sick twisted movie that I've talked about with him-- and he'd said, I actually had one patient get really upset with me for recommending that movie so I took it off my site) because it really disturbed her...

I said, Oh, my god I can't believe you were seeing him

She said Why, what, what? Has he helped you a lot?

I said Yeah...

She said Yeah, he's very intelligent, and compassionate, I dunno he just didn't really get me... and then she said, What? She said, Are you, you're attracted to him?

I said, Yeah

She said, Yeah, he's beautiful, I mean, I totally understand. She said, What, are you like? You're in love with him...

I said, Yeah

She said, Oh, yeah, I totally get it, I'm sure he gets that, from lots of people I mean yeah he's hot.

I shook my head and started tearing up, there in the salon chair.

She said Oh no! What, are you really crying? No, why, I totally understand!

I said, I just, you don't even... It's...

She said, What, does he know, did you tell him?

I said, Oh god. God. Yes. He knows. He really knows. I can't believe you saw him...

She said, Small world, right?

And I sat there in shock, and she stopped doing my hair, and I told her, because I could finally tell someone who knew him... About all the stuff... And how I'm consumed by him and have been for a year. And she said, So it's not even therapy they're just mini dates for you... and they are for him too. Why don't you stop seeing him and date him?

Well, I mean he's MARRIED and--

What? He's not married...

Yes, he is, and he has children...

No, he doesn't... No... I asked him... unless it was in the last, like, YEAR and--

Well, he did just have a child in May-

Oh, so he met someone and had, oh that makes sense-

But no, he has two kids too, that are five and seven--


.......She said she could probably find out for me... She said, she saw how upset I was, she said I needed to stop seeing him, that it was consuming me, that she knows how it is and I probably can't stop now but I could cut down to once a week and that I should really find someone else because I'm going to need to see someone else to get over this that I probably can't do it alone, and that if I'm still interested in him in six months I should call him, but as I was sobbing and shaking my head and she was telling me how she'd been into this guy for seven years and he was older too and he was always just giving enough so that she stayed and how she was consumed by him and how she would get through her day doing makeup or hair by fantasizing about him, and how she wouldn't go out, because she preferred to be home, living in her head, dreaming about him, and I said, God, oh my god, yes, and I thought why, why would he, tell me he had children I mean to make me feel and that I was entirely consumed and that it made me wonder if I was just crazy and he was just oblivious and she said He is a very INTELLIGENT person, and he knows this, and he knows that your life is frozen right now, and he is KEEPING it that way, and it's very, very selfish, and I don't want to upset you, but, honestly, it's almost abusive.

And she said I know you can't quit right now, but--

And I said, No. No. I'm done. And I was crying and I said God, god, I don't even know what to do right now... I said I know I'm going to go to the bank so I can pay you... and she laughed and told me the price and I went to the bank, in shock, and I got out the money and I gave her a really big tip because she also just does a fantastic job and she gave me her phone number and said I could call her whenever and I went home and then I called the dealer and I got some drugs and I wrote Julian an e-mail saying that I know he's conveniently out of town but that this is an emergency.

And I don't want to talk to him about it over the phone. I will go there on Friday and I will ask him everything, and tell him everything, and ask for my money back for the last month.

And until then I'm just going to try to let the time pass. Somehow.