re: re: re: last post

thank you TK, you know I think you're the Second Coming. And thank you, Bathwater, you're all right, man. :-)

and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.

but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.

so should you.

there is a meteor shower.

Perseid.

tonight.

love, to you all
miss scarlet

Sitting in Psych.

I made myself go.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!

But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...

Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.

So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"

He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."

And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.

Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.

Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.

Sigh. Cry-time.

Dr. Freud, your slip is showing.*

(*I borrowed this title from Gaby's genius blog. Sorry thanks Gaby!!!)

7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.

Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?

So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?

Could you be more specific?

Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.

He said nothing.

I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.

He was looking away.

I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.

He nodded.

If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.

I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.

Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--

You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--

The only reason I said it was a dumb--

But I wanted to know because--

Oh, sorry, go ahead--

No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.

No, go ahead.

I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--

Oh! Well, okay!

What?

So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?

I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...

Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-

Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.

Why-

And you never take ME at face value.

What do you mean?

I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...

That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.

I cracked a smile.

I took a deep breath and sat back down.

He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.

I mouthed, Yes.

And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...

I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.

And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.

He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.

I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.

And I don't wish that on you either.

.............................................................................????

Why would you? I said.

I don't know...

When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--

He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.

I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"

He called me back an hour later.

He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--

No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?

Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...

Dr. Freud your slip is showing.

I would LOVE some cheese with my whine, preferably Havarti. Thanks much.

Okay. It's clear. It's really clear, that nobody wants to hear about this. Anymore, or for the first time, or at all. There are exceptions. But generally-- I've been met with negative reactions.

I don't care what this means.

I'm not looking for advice.

I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.

So that's it.

Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.

One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.



I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.



ANYWAY.



After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.



WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...



??



Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.



But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."



Sigh.



Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.



At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.



Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.

And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."

Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.

But that is what I'll do.

Phone call with Julian

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. ...How are you?....

I'm fine. I'm sleepy.

I just--

What? I can't hear you there's like, distortion...

Oh I just said I wanted to see how you were doing.

I'm fine, Julian.

.....

.....

And I know you didnt do anything wrong. I understand why you didn't want to bring it up and all that. I mean that's all, you can go if you need to, you don't have to stay on...

I want to. Your opinion matters to me. And thank you for saying that but, I did some things wrong. I've been thinking about this a lot, when I should be thinking about my other clients--

And I know you're busy with everything too--

Thank you for saying that, but I meant, I've been thinking about transference and countertransference and all of that and, I don't think the recommended way to deal with it is right, but, I just, I didn't how to deal with it. And I'm not sure how, what the best way to deal with it is....

I'm sorry about all those e-mails.

Scarlet, I promise you. Besides maybe you, not a soul was hurt by those e-mails. And, honestly, they made me feel good and, they're quite brilliant. And I understand the depths of your emotions, the impulse to write the e-mails, though mine weren't quite as poetic as yours-- I wanted to-- and I've been there.

So you've had it? This unrequited love disease?

Yes.

So you know how much it hurts? And that it won't just go away?

My god, yes. It's been 10 years later and it still hasn't gone away. It's gotten better. But I haven't stopped thinking about it.

So great, so, this will still hurt in 10 years and forever?

Well god I HOPE it gets better after 10 years... See, I was kind of shunned. And I thought that maybe the opportunity to talk through it, with you, might be really helpful, might be really better for you, than my experience was.

Yeah. So 10 years ago, so it was right before you married your wife?

Shortly before, yes.
........

I'm sad, J. Do you have to go?

I have some time.

........................

I'm sorry for ruining Lolita...

(laugh) You didn't ruin Lolita for me.

...........................

I don't know how I'll get through the next 5 days.

I have a cancellation Monday, would you like to take that instead of Tuesday?

Yes.

If you want you can call my phone tomorrow, I'll be in court and probably won't get out til 8 but I might get out earlier, but we can talk after then if you want, and on the weekend, just e-mail me so I can see it if I'm remote--

I don't want to trouble you on the weekends--

I appreciate that, but if you need to talk to me I am available.

Ok. Thanks.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.