back.

I like working. I know I go back and forth but yesterday it was the only thing that I liked. I like dancing. I love it. I like making money. The people are funny and sometimes they're assholes and I don't even mind that.



Stefan- overit. He acted like a jerk, not a big deal, but enough to just turn me off. Immature, two-faced, not a gentleman, trying to be cool. I told him he was full of shit. I'm not even disguising names anymore because I don't care. I told Julian and he said it was good, he said some men respond to women being mean and step up to the plate, but that even if he doesn't it's good, because it would've been a bad foundation for a relationship. He asked me how I would've dealt with it before and I said back in October I just ignored all that stuff, all those red flags, and wanted him anyway, because we had a connection and I didn't want to give it up...



I said I wouldn't talk about Julian anymore, but screw it, because, it's not the same anyway... I've totally accepted that he's not into me like that, he's probably happily married with kids and why shouldn't he be... He deserves it. I think I'm still deep down really sad about it. But... I think maybe I talk to him more openly now... Well I do. I was just sitting there in silence blushing before. I talked to him about Stefan, even sex with Stefan, which was lousy, he drinks too much... and dancing, and the club... I was sitting with my boss and the DJ last night, the cool one I like who's only there two days a week who has picks me awesome new songs and has a sense of humor, it was late and everyone just left but I had hundreds of ones to count out because I made all my money on the stage, and the DJ was like, you rocked it out tonight it was raining bills every time you went on.. aren't you glad you stayed? and my boss was like, What, was she hovering? Don't you know, she's the Invisible Person. She's the disappearing dancer. She's there one minute and the next minute I have a call from her, hey, I'm on a plane halfway across the country... Hey, I needed to get out of there and go to another part of town... Hey Vinnie I'm down the street if you need me... We were DYING cu3 that's exactly what I say and I was like Vinnie you know sometimes I just caaaaaaaaaan't... and he was like, I know, it's OKAY, sometimes I can't either, but I'm stuck here. Hehe.

So after I finished telling that story I started tearing up, I was staring at the celing, and J asked, where did you just go? And I said, all over the place, I dunno... I'm not depressed... I'm doing things you know... I'm just sad, like this, all the time.. Why? And he said, well that's not an easy question to answer... but I do think the chemicals in your brain... tend to change sometimes, and put you here, and when there's nothing to pull you out of it, like talking to Jo, or skiing, or your music... it's kind of the default emotion...

Our time was running out and I was still sobby but I was putting on my shoes and he asked if I need a minute and as I nodded I started hysterically sobbing down into my knees, and I finally stopped myself, I made myself focus on something, I dont remember what, skiing maybe, moving with the mountain... and I said, Help.

He asked if I wanted to see him sooner, and I nodded. So I'm seeing him on Thursday instead of Friday. Thank God.

One of the guys last night wants to buy me a keyboard, like a really good one... That would be sweet. I don't know what it would entail... but the thought of like having an 88 key weighted Yamaha excites me a bit.

Wow...

I like J's article. Rumi Nation. I am definitely I am a ruminator. And I realized today I kept saying, "Because I wouldn't just be TALKING to you now," "because I wouldn't be sitting here and just TALKING to you, you know?" "Because we wouldn't just be sitting here together alone and talking to each other like this you know what I mean?" and he was looking at me like WHAT so I kept repeating it and now that I've had an alternate fantasy conversation with him in which I actually say, I don't want to say anything I don't want to TALK to you right now-- meaning I want to like just everything else already-- well, now I realize what it sounded like I was saying... Hah! OMG.

I didn't even mean that- well I guess it was a Freudian slip type of thing- I was just trying to explain that like these "what-if's" were irrelevant because IF in fact they were the case I'd have long ago not been, like he was like, What if I was gay, and I was thinking, I wouldn't have kept talking to you like this privately, intimately, alone, four times a week for six months? Or if he were married, or I knew he were in a relationship, or anything, like, in other circumstance, it just wouldn't happen... though... the other interpretation is pretty much the same idea. And equally true. Ha. I'm gonna pretend I did mean that. Ha. Imagine.

Endgame???

I wrote a blog this morning that didn't make it up because my internet's been on the fritz lately.

I'm just in a vile, vile, vile mood. It like, can't get worse right now. I've been busy and tired and PMS'd out of my mind, and trying to diet, and Julian-obsessing, and freaking out, and like, I've been such a WRECK about him the last few days, and today he was a JERK.

JERK.

Maybe he's trying to be a jerk so I am no longer interested in him like this.

He was acting bored, and being condescending, and, ugh, I don't know. Yeah. Is that enough? Yeah, insensitive, too. I wrote him e-mails over the weekend. Love-lorn, love-dipped, one mentioned how I liked making him laugh, and today he didn't laugh at shit. Well, he did, a couple times, he wasn't trying to. I told him I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac. He laughed at that. And before we started talking and he decided to be a jerk he told me about an article I'd like that he'd send me about the link between depression and creativity, the way it allows an extreme level of focus. I said, One point for my team.

He showed me his scratches again. Next time he does that I'm gonna bite his arm. I asked his cat's name. He said Roxar. I said Roxar Darcy? He nodded. I was actually checking two things with this, did he have to think before claiming the cat's last name was his- girlfriend- and if it sounds like a kid's name. No, and yes. Probably not living with girlfriend, probably has a kid.
Then he showed me his scratches so I leaned as far toward him as I could. They looked like an R and a D. "He's trying to write his initials." I said. "Yeah, he's a creative genius, he gets depressed and then he lashes out and does his best work."

HA! HAHAHAHA.

I'm trying to think now who was a jerk first. Oh yes, that's right, he was.

I was talking about something and he was staring at me looking deliberately bored and I said O-kay. That's boring. And he said, ........ And I said Okay, what should I talk about that's not boring? And he said, What you don't want to talk about. Or what you want to talk about.

Then he asked me what would change my feelings. And I said if my perspective changed about him, or time, distance. He said What if you found out I'm gay? I said, Are you? He said, No. I said, Well then, I don't know if it would help. He said, I would rather have gotten a direct answer than one filtered through another question. I said, Well, I was trying to answer it honestly, and as a hypothetical, I don't honestly know, because I don't believe it. If it's true, that's different. Why did you ask? He said, I was just trying to point out things that could change your feelings. I said. A lot of things could, but, if those things were true, I NORMALLY wouldn't be sitting here talking to you like this, do you know what I mean?

He also said something about the fact that it's good that I'm attracted to him because it's good that I'm attracted to someone who's not x y and z all these typically troubled qualities of people I used to date, and that I'm not looking for those things, but what's not good is that it's not-- and I said, Mutual. And he said, Um, well, I guess it's not mutual in some ways... it's not symmetrical, and then he said I should also want reciprocity. I said: OF COURSE I WANT IT. He said, Oh, yeah, of course you do... ??!?

I missed that at the moment but was he being sarcastic??

Hah, ok, I just wrote him this:

Bam

Wait. Were you being sarcastic when you said "Oh, right, of course you're looking for [reciprocity]..."??? Not very nice, if so, and way off-base at that. If not, well, you know, I'm just trying to carve my initials into your neck. Sorry. I'll go curl back up on the kitchen floor in the square of sunlight now. Warm and fuzzy again. Hey where's that article justifying all this behavior.


Hahahaha. The "Bam" because I'm triggerhappy.

Ugh. And, I don't have another appointment scheduled for this week. I noticed that yesterday, sometimes he changes around the schedule but usually it's straightened out by the beginning of the week. I asked him, how does this happen. He said some stuff. He said rarely some stuff. I said it happens a lot. He said I never cancel them... I said you change them. He said he's not the best scheduler. He said he's cautiously optimistic there will be a cancellation. He said if not, we can schedule one early or late. I said late, please. I said I have class all these mornings (hah not like my class is ever any earlier than his first appointment, I'm sure). He said okay, if there is no cancellation does Thursday eight pm work for you? Yes, that works, I said.

Gracious Mary, I know you hear me, please let all of Julian's patients be healthy and punctual this week, at least through Thursday evening.

Amen

I LOVE JULIAN DARCY

I LOVE JULIAN DARCY I LOVE JULIAN DARCY I LOVE JULIAN DARCY

It's crazy how in love I am. My heart is in my throat. I don't feel at all how I wanted to, or thought I would, I thought I'd be so cool and dismissive and blase; as soon as I got out of class my heart just started racing and I rushed to his office so I wouldn't be too late... He opened his door... I sat down and I really couldn't look at him... whenever my eyes met his I looked away, I couldn't even really talk after mumbling some things about driving and then my... Ah, I can't write about this, I don't know why, nothing's changed, he didn't say all the things I thought he would, he said some really nice stuff and he didn't really say anything- he didn't really say anything. He made me laugh and I made him laugh and I have this cold and I look like hell... and... I had his glass in my hand when I walked out and had to turn around and knock to give it back.

And THIS is what I let Julian know:

Short one here!

Just, about tomorrow- I know you were in an awkward spot trying to be sensitive to my feelings and yet needing to say what you have to say and I just want you to know that it's understood. I understand why those feelings are, different, in therapy, and need to be dealt with, and I'm dealing. I'm overit. Heh. I understand why it is a fantasy, not because it's distorted or anything transferred or any of that, but just because it can never happen. So it's a fantasy... all those dreams and all that stuff, fantasy, my narrative about you in my head, that has nothing to do with you, or your life, there are 99 ways in which I know nothing about you. And I understand why you feel that might be beneficial or even essential to therapy, and I respect that and trust it. I don't need to know, I realize it's a fantasy, fantasies are nice, in fantasies people don't hog the bed, or forget to call, or call too much, or need you too much, or put you on a pedestal, or put you down, or pick arguments about nothing that are all about one thing that can never be fixed, or try to sound casual when they ask who just called, or yell at you for talking to someone or for never being there or because it costs too much, or ignore you all night, or hurt you, or hurt themselves, or leave.

But. I don't let them consume me.. or interfere with my life. I don't live in a fantasy. So. I'm present, in reality. K.

Til Tuesday, 12 hours, gonna burn rubber from that school and get there no later than 12 04. 12 07. Yeah, 12 07.

This is what I know.

Seeing J tomorrow. Have to burn rubber over there right after school. I'm gonna be mortified, but probably funny, he's gonna be compassionate, and explain to me more reasons why a therapist/patient relationship has to be different, it's different, it's one-sided, it can't... Yes.

That's what's going to happen.

And what do I want?

I want to keep seeing him. I want to drop it. The whole subject. He said he could see me getting past it. So I think I will. I think I'll love him, in that special way, that you love some people you never screw, and move on with my life, and find other people to screw.

I wanna tell him I get it already. And I really want to drop it. And talk about my show. And my day. And missing school. And past relationships, and how I can change them. I'm with ya, J, I'm two steps ahead of you.

Of course, this is what's going to happen, it couldn't happen any other way, if he had any integrity as a therapist a), and b) because yeah well I'd just never fit into his world even if he were interested in me at all, which I guess he never was. But that's okay. He cares about me, the way he cares for people, as a healer, as his job. It's beautiful. Like my friend Subi said. And she's so beautiful and funny and crazy. I love her... She said he'll cut me off though... And say he couldn't see me anymore. I said no way. She said ok, girl, we'll see. That's NOT gonna happen. He's in perfect control of the situation, and I'm cool and gonna get over it too.

That's what I know.

Love and Learning to Exhale,

Scarlet-O

Hey guess what? UGH

Yeah. Obviously. I'm not even gonna write about it now. But yeah. Obvious. Not gonna quit or stop going though... Yet...

90 minutes til take-off.

Oh, the countdown. This is silly, how I'm acting. But... what am I gonna do, I probably lack the balls to do what I suggested... Anyone??? Someone help!!!

So. Tomorrow.

Eureka, got it. "What would make you feel more comfortable telling me, here?"

YOU. Get over here.

"Maybe a slight shift in the seating arrangement, from that intimidating thing with your chair? Like if you sat on that couch maybe? Or this one?"

Good, right?

TYSON'S MCNUGGETS

I say this because I didn't totally chicken out!!! YES, I sat there, silent and staring and stammering, literally-- I....... just...... have..... trouble..... because, I, I ha-ave trouble because----- for the last 20 minutes of my session. Julian was laughing at me, softly, cutely, I was laughing at me, I told him the cat had my tongue and I could do nothing but circumscribe the issue. He said things like, why don't you try observing the thoughts to see what comes up, and express them, like free association? I said no I'm very aware of the thoughts... He said So, self-censorship? Why? And then I went: Uhmmmmm.... Why....... Why. Beeeeee-cauuuuse..... And he went, well it might prevent you from fully being here, and I said, I've been self-censoring for a while and, I don't think it's inhibited too much! And he was like, what would help you feel more comfortable expressing... your thoughts? And I said, hiding behind a monitor? And he said what would help you here? What would help me there??? What would??? Should I know the answer to that? It was so obvious... He's so handsome... Looking at him, makes my body burn and freeze and pulse... I wrote him this whole long letter last night... I gave him my CD. I gave him my CD. OMFG I can't. OMFG I can't.

Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.

So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...

So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...

So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???

Well, here goes something.

So, I had a busy week.. Still to come, tonight I'll probably play at, let's just call it the Twilight Room, Eamonn's little joint. Whatever. Unless I'm really too exhausted... But I have to dump my laundry, write a bunch of letters, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse...

My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.

I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.

One thing I did do:

Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.

S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'

Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.

S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'

Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...

S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'

Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.

S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'

J: Ahhh...

S: No, you can't, because no normal-

J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?

S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...

J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?

S: Oh my god, YES!

-----------------------------------------

Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.

And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.

I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...

Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?

Love and Longterm Planning

Love you all... Yes, I got my book back. Finally. And I'm not drinking... And Julian is evermore beautiful and today I had so much fun talking to him and he sent me this article he thought I'd like and I wanna tell you all about it, but I have class in the morning again, I have homework, I had psychology class tonight that was a joke and 3 hours, and I have to go to bed!!! Just enough food left for Madeline and none for me. Oh well. Sleep first.

Love and lust and like and loathe,

Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can

The Homeless Professor: Part 1

I'm saying just suck it up, Scarlet, you let your emotions get the best of you... Electric wires gone astray... Not real. Nothing is wrong.

This was my night. I went to see Julian at seven (it was seven). I teased and blew out my hair, letting it fall in sexy soft waves, I wore something subtly sexy, and partly because I decided, if I could make it on time to go this elite open-mic place in the hip neighborhood. I called them ahead of time, and they said I could get a spot if I got a ticket, but they sold out fast. But they had a piano, real one, and microphones and amps and mixer. So I wouldn't have to lug my stuff. I was gonna play it by ear.

Anyway I got to Julian's. We just talked about movies and languages. It really was like a date. He sat closer to me. He showed me cuts on his hand. He was dressed more casually. He dimmed the lights a little when I walked in. He told me he spoke Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese. I asked how long he lived in Europe, and he told me, six months, and I said, that's incredible, and he said it was easy. He acted modest (well no, that's the wrong word-- he was not being modest) and said Oh, I'd studied it in college for a year and a half before. I said, A year and a half? He said Well, another few months there. I said, Wow. I talked about the Gypsy Kings, that's how this started actually, how I know all the lyrics but have no clue what I'm saying... He corrected me a few times. I talked about my music... I wanted to ask him what kind he liked, but I forgot.

When I walked in, the first thing he said was, I remembered this line you wrote at the end of your e-mails, 'It's raining, too.'

I said, "It is."

He wrote me an appointment card, and I saw that on the back of it he's written something, and they were two movie recommendations.

When? When will this happen, J.

Nervous...

For tonight... It's nothing SCAR-LET I know. It'll be a session. A J-Date. Hah! That made me laugh. OK. No biggie.

Callin' it a goddamn night.

I'm going to bed. I'm really tired and I feel a little sick. I went out to a metal show with a guy I like. He's from Spain and is a drummer in a metal band, has been for years. The show reminded me of my ex fiance. He chatted me online the other day. He made me laugh for hours. He's the funniest person ever. I'll always be in love with him. But it didn't work. He took me on vacation, and got down on his knee and gave me a diamond ring. My tough rock star who never did that for anyone. And I said yes. And then I moved. And then we started talking again, and he was gonna move here, and I stopped answering the phone for three days. I'm a jerk. I don't want to think about it. I'm gonna just start being honest with J. Elena would say it's stupid but it's the only way I'll ever get over him and be able to move on and that's what I need to do. I don't want the challenge, it's not a game to me anymore. I just want to be happier.

A Spade a Spade?

Um, hmm. I might write later... Yeah, I don't wanna think about it. Nothing happened today, I chatted my way out of a box. J said he thinks I might have trouble having a relationship on this depth with men without being hit on "or that dynamic... I mean this is speculative, I don't know if you have..." I said I have. I don't know what the fuck I said. Ugh. I'm going to the piano. Ugh.

What did the Yogi say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

And he told me a joke.

What did the yogi-swami-guru say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

I asked him about poses that would help me sleep. He said maybe he could find a picture. He looked around. He said Okay, well I can explain this one to you. He explained it. "And the other one's a little harder... I could put you in it, one day when you're wearing pants because..."

I felt just a little cheap, for not... Next time I see him, I'm gonna leave contrived sexuality at home. Sharon Shone shot, I think not.

And maybe I'll lie on the floor, and he'll put me in a pose. Gentle, firm, leaned over me, touching my body, guiding me, divining the universe.