No, nah, take it back. I < 3 Julian. And the club is all right. $200 for 3 hours of dancing and sitting around and talking to actually okay people tonight.
Elena, however. Again haven't spoken to in a month. Calls me here when I got home, which is 5 am her time, clearly drunk, starts rambling for half an hour about her phone getting stolen and the ex boyfriend, soon as I start talking she spaces off and puts me on hold, comes back on and I'm like you must be tired, do you wanna go? And she's like, well no, I wanna talk, I mean soon yeah, cuz it's late, but no, I was like why don't we just talk another time. And she's like, Why, really? Tell me, no! I'm like There's nothing to tell, you're tired, we'll talk another time. She's like Okay but call me! I'm like your phone got stolen, you call me. She's like okay I will! Bye! And I just hung up.
I mean, it's really disgusting to me at this point.
How self-absorbed and childish and thoughtless and frivolous she's become. I'm fucking over it.
Showing posts with label elena. Show all posts
Showing posts with label elena. Show all posts
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
ShakeUp, BreakUp, WakeUp, MakeUp
So tonight was the night of legend of making jack-shit.
There was no one in there except my regular who writes on the show and whose wife texted me pretending to be him, and who maybe reads this blog, and who doesn't tip except a bunch of singles when you're onstage, which is more than anyone else was doing tonight.
It was literally dead.
I was thinking about going, and when Vinnie called me, I decided to go, so that at least, with my comings and goings, at least I could be reliable in that way, as on-call... But after a few hours I decided I had to get out of there and he told me to go ahead and not to worry about the house fee. He let me go out the back too so the reg wouldn't see me leaving cuz he seemed to think I wanted to leave with him and his friend and hang out. They're writers. " ". And the thing is they're not witty or smart at all.
I talked with Summer a lot, the only girl who speaks to me, the only girl with whom I'd like to speak, the only other girl who comes and goes like me... She's awesome, she's smart, she used to be a really big agency model and date a really famous genius tv writer, and she's usually always joking and chipper and sometimes rues about where life's taken her. We think alike.
Me and Cam made up. I called to apologize and say I was in meltdown mode, and he said he was only being dickish because he wants to travel too, but we shouldn't go until our work takes us there...
He's half-right. I mean if the trip had been better planned, I totally could've done it. Whether he'd have considered that enough "paying my dues" or not. I've been all over the world, sometimes work took me there, other times, men. Sometimes, just my own saving up because it was what was important.
Anyway. Now that I'm not going it's all cool.
I'm glad though.
This thing with Elena, I mean, I still love her, but, she has so much pride I don't know how she'll be, and even more prideful if she feels guilty, and she feels guilty all the time. I never feel guilty. It's a useless emotion. But anyway. Not good to be fighting with two friends at once... Means you're definitely doing something wrong.
So it's still only midnight and I'm home, and I made a couple bucks for cigarettes and food, which I don't know if I should get cuz I ate like a straight PIG yesterday and the day before. But anyway. That's thirty bucks I wouldn'tve had if I stayed home.
There was no one in there except my regular who writes on the show and whose wife texted me pretending to be him, and who maybe reads this blog, and who doesn't tip except a bunch of singles when you're onstage, which is more than anyone else was doing tonight.
It was literally dead.
I was thinking about going, and when Vinnie called me, I decided to go, so that at least, with my comings and goings, at least I could be reliable in that way, as on-call... But after a few hours I decided I had to get out of there and he told me to go ahead and not to worry about the house fee. He let me go out the back too so the reg wouldn't see me leaving cuz he seemed to think I wanted to leave with him and his friend and hang out. They're writers. " ". And the thing is they're not witty or smart at all.
I talked with Summer a lot, the only girl who speaks to me, the only girl with whom I'd like to speak, the only other girl who comes and goes like me... She's awesome, she's smart, she used to be a really big agency model and date a really famous genius tv writer, and she's usually always joking and chipper and sometimes rues about where life's taken her. We think alike.
Me and Cam made up. I called to apologize and say I was in meltdown mode, and he said he was only being dickish because he wants to travel too, but we shouldn't go until our work takes us there...
He's half-right. I mean if the trip had been better planned, I totally could've done it. Whether he'd have considered that enough "paying my dues" or not. I've been all over the world, sometimes work took me there, other times, men. Sometimes, just my own saving up because it was what was important.
Anyway. Now that I'm not going it's all cool.
I'm glad though.
This thing with Elena, I mean, I still love her, but, she has so much pride I don't know how she'll be, and even more prideful if she feels guilty, and she feels guilty all the time. I never feel guilty. It's a useless emotion. But anyway. Not good to be fighting with two friends at once... Means you're definitely doing something wrong.
So it's still only midnight and I'm home, and I made a couple bucks for cigarettes and food, which I don't know if I should get cuz I ate like a straight PIG yesterday and the day before. But anyway. That's thirty bucks I wouldn'tve had if I stayed home.
Well I guess this was kind of inevitable.
Like months ago, when we were thinking about this trip, I had a dream that I got there, to a little city outside the Moscow airport, or about to leave from her apartment or something, with Elena, and we were staying at this weird foreign hostel on opposite ends of the hall, and she was packing and I was telling her not to pack so much, and we were fighting....
I just canceled my trip yesterday. I ate like $500 in penalties, and fees, and perhaps increased my risk of death by coronary a little. But I got most of it back. There's no such a thing as a non-refundable flight, just one where you eat it in shit-tons of penalties. But I got most of it back... and I don't have to worry about killing myself in the next three weeks, and then, possibly, probably, not even being able to go...
Yesterday, after buying my ticket across the country, where I'd fly out of, and then sending out for my VISA, taking care of those final details, I got home to another email from Elena with all these insane costs. I wrote her back like, You can't just keep piling this on, after telling me one price, and then another, and finally when everything seems surmountable it's just a new thing every day... And I called her, and she was like, What did you expect, are you a CHILD? Why didn't YOU think of these things? I'm finding this out as we go along, that's how you plan a trip... and I was like, because you told me to leave it to you, and these figures, and I believed you, and I know you're finding it out as you go along, and I'm not blaming you, but I CAN'T AFFORD this.
And she got all nasty...
And the thing is. She's calling me a CHILD? She's 15 years older than me. She and Valeria can swipe a credit card, when these costs come up. End of story. I have to go fucking whore myself in the gutter every night.
And she asks me why her mother tells her she's selfish.
She is. She has been. For the last year, she hasn't been there for me at all, and in the last few weeks has said some really discouraging things when I just simply ask her not to, and she won't let it go, and... going with her would've been really stressful, and, MAN did I want to go, but.
I feel better now.
I feel so much better.
I can fucking breathe.
I took the situation into my own hands, lesson learned, again, again, but... I made the right decision. And I feel better about it. I can relax during my summer. I can work on my music. And I can go swimming. And I can get myself a desk. And I can write. And I can read. And I can breathe.
I just canceled my trip yesterday. I ate like $500 in penalties, and fees, and perhaps increased my risk of death by coronary a little. But I got most of it back. There's no such a thing as a non-refundable flight, just one where you eat it in shit-tons of penalties. But I got most of it back... and I don't have to worry about killing myself in the next three weeks, and then, possibly, probably, not even being able to go...
Yesterday, after buying my ticket across the country, where I'd fly out of, and then sending out for my VISA, taking care of those final details, I got home to another email from Elena with all these insane costs. I wrote her back like, You can't just keep piling this on, after telling me one price, and then another, and finally when everything seems surmountable it's just a new thing every day... And I called her, and she was like, What did you expect, are you a CHILD? Why didn't YOU think of these things? I'm finding this out as we go along, that's how you plan a trip... and I was like, because you told me to leave it to you, and these figures, and I believed you, and I know you're finding it out as you go along, and I'm not blaming you, but I CAN'T AFFORD this.
And she got all nasty...
And the thing is. She's calling me a CHILD? She's 15 years older than me. She and Valeria can swipe a credit card, when these costs come up. End of story. I have to go fucking whore myself in the gutter every night.
And she asks me why her mother tells her she's selfish.
She is. She has been. For the last year, she hasn't been there for me at all, and in the last few weeks has said some really discouraging things when I just simply ask her not to, and she won't let it go, and... going with her would've been really stressful, and, MAN did I want to go, but.
I feel better now.
I feel so much better.
I can fucking breathe.
I took the situation into my own hands, lesson learned, again, again, but... I made the right decision. And I feel better about it. I can relax during my summer. I can work on my music. And I can go swimming. And I can get myself a desk. And I can write. And I can read. And I can breathe.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Armotrash
Working at night like this... Just makes me feel utterly worthless during the days. I don't wanna do anything. But eat and sleep.
Turns out, again, the trip is way more f'ing expensive than I thought it was. Again, Elena told me some more inaccurate stuff, like, that she had frequent flier miles I can use, whatever, I'm not gonna bitch... But I had a panic attack yesterday...
I went out with some Armotrash mobsterpunks after work to get food. They are so uncouth. And what is it about these Eastern bloc gangsters, where it's always ONE cute, smart one who's like really witty and sexy and cultured in a swiss cheesical kinda way with lots of holes in his knowledge base, surrounded by a bunch of blankeyed neckless cavemen?? I mean I know it's like a power/selfesteem issue, THEY want to be the smart one who can smoothtalk when they have to and guffaw the rest of the time, but with Italian mobsterpunks it's usually a group of predominantly smart and funny, with one token meathead, not the other way around.
Varan fell in love when I came down and sat at their table eating a lollipop and he says to me, with the two no-english-speakin' lugs watching, Oh, just keep eating your lollipop. No, in a sexual way. No, this is not sexual...
And I chomped down on it, shattering little pieces of lollipop everywhere, and started giggling.
And it took him a minute to realize I was being a smartass myself.
A little piece of blue tootsie pop landed near his crotch, and he motioned that I should lick it, and said "Can you clean this up now please?" And I raised my foot up between his legs, just hovering the tip of my eight inch heel right over his private parts, and, said, real dumb-like, "Oh SURE! Let me just wipe it right off I'm sorry!!" And then made like a stabbing motion downward stopping just short....
He wiped the seat himself and was totally enchanted...
He was making me laugh, too, with his stupid crude Armotrash jokes about everyone in the club... These mobsterpunks just really love making fun of everyone, it's a total universal, he's just like Stefan but from slightly further south. And this is the third gang of Eastern Euro disorganized criminals I've won over in that damn club. And they're assholes to everyone.
Star came over and asked one of the meatheads if he wanted a dance and he said "Sorry you are too heavy for me." And she looked over at me, and I was sitting with Varan, and I could just shake my head and not really say anything else, which kind of was a shitty feeling. But that's how it is...
We went to get food after the shift, and I literally walked out on them. They didn't even do anything, I'd just had it, after they missed a turn for the 9th time, and didn't listen, and couldn't find anything open, and kept rolling down the window to shout out or spit at people. And were probably talking some trash about me in that bizarre language.
We pulled up in front of a Subway--- yeah, the FAST FOOD chain--- and got out and they were communing about something and I was standing there saying to Varan, for like the tenth time, Look, I really have to go, I'm tired, and he kept saying, Baby! Come on! Relax! You were hungry! and he gave me his Coke to drink and I kept trying to give it back to him, and just wouldn't take it, so I put it down on the curb, and said, Hey. I'm going. And turned around and said Dasvodanya and literally walked home.
They pulled up to me after like five minutes and stopped and V opened the door and said, Scarlet come on get in! And I said, WHERE. Are we going. And he said home, home, and I heard him tell the two goons in the front my cross streets so I got in and they drove me home. But I would've walked. It wasn't that far.
Turns out, again, the trip is way more f'ing expensive than I thought it was. Again, Elena told me some more inaccurate stuff, like, that she had frequent flier miles I can use, whatever, I'm not gonna bitch... But I had a panic attack yesterday...
I went out with some Armotrash mobsterpunks after work to get food. They are so uncouth. And what is it about these Eastern bloc gangsters, where it's always ONE cute, smart one who's like really witty and sexy and cultured in a swiss cheesical kinda way with lots of holes in his knowledge base, surrounded by a bunch of blankeyed neckless cavemen?? I mean I know it's like a power/selfesteem issue, THEY want to be the smart one who can smoothtalk when they have to and guffaw the rest of the time, but with Italian mobsterpunks it's usually a group of predominantly smart and funny, with one token meathead, not the other way around.
Varan fell in love when I came down and sat at their table eating a lollipop and he says to me, with the two no-english-speakin' lugs watching, Oh, just keep eating your lollipop. No, in a sexual way. No, this is not sexual...
And I chomped down on it, shattering little pieces of lollipop everywhere, and started giggling.
And it took him a minute to realize I was being a smartass myself.
A little piece of blue tootsie pop landed near his crotch, and he motioned that I should lick it, and said "Can you clean this up now please?" And I raised my foot up between his legs, just hovering the tip of my eight inch heel right over his private parts, and, said, real dumb-like, "Oh SURE! Let me just wipe it right off I'm sorry!!" And then made like a stabbing motion downward stopping just short....
He wiped the seat himself and was totally enchanted...
He was making me laugh, too, with his stupid crude Armotrash jokes about everyone in the club... These mobsterpunks just really love making fun of everyone, it's a total universal, he's just like Stefan but from slightly further south. And this is the third gang of Eastern Euro disorganized criminals I've won over in that damn club. And they're assholes to everyone.
Star came over and asked one of the meatheads if he wanted a dance and he said "Sorry you are too heavy for me." And she looked over at me, and I was sitting with Varan, and I could just shake my head and not really say anything else, which kind of was a shitty feeling. But that's how it is...
We went to get food after the shift, and I literally walked out on them. They didn't even do anything, I'd just had it, after they missed a turn for the 9th time, and didn't listen, and couldn't find anything open, and kept rolling down the window to shout out or spit at people. And were probably talking some trash about me in that bizarre language.
We pulled up in front of a Subway--- yeah, the FAST FOOD chain--- and got out and they were communing about something and I was standing there saying to Varan, for like the tenth time, Look, I really have to go, I'm tired, and he kept saying, Baby! Come on! Relax! You were hungry! and he gave me his Coke to drink and I kept trying to give it back to him, and just wouldn't take it, so I put it down on the curb, and said, Hey. I'm going. And turned around and said Dasvodanya and literally walked home.
They pulled up to me after like five minutes and stopped and V opened the door and said, Scarlet come on get in! And I said, WHERE. Are we going. And he said home, home, and I heard him tell the two goons in the front my cross streets so I got in and they drove me home. But I would've walked. It wasn't that far.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Just straight whining here.
the sun in this town is one of the gnarlier things i've ever experienced. i just went running and it was like, my shadow was like 6" long everywhere, no relief, beating down on me like an abusive husband. but i did it. short one though. 3 miles and a mile cooldown. it was miserable.
elena called me. last night i did it and went to the beach, and i couldnt even relax because she called me when i was walking around the water and started moaning about some irrelevant shit the entire time and i soothed her and explained it all and broke it down and then she decided to say the thing that i have a million times asked her NOT to say because i DONT need to hear it and its just discouraging and not helping me in any way to just keep repeating and she just kept turning it around on me and i was so agitated by the time i left....
and she just called me now and is still on it, and i'm like, Dude.
i don't even tell her anything anymore and... well i know it comes in waves...
Also. like. she is constantly saying like, our situations arent the same, but theyre equivalent, like, the emotional stuff she has to deal with when she asks her mom for money is just as bad...?! as worrying one will have nae a roof over their heads? and being totally alone? um, no. besides. she wouldnt have to deal with any emotional shit from her mom if she didnt act like a total brat with her i mean the things she tells me!!! like, my mom said this and this and this to me, is it true, why did she say that, and im like, because elena. you acted like a total brat. you are 35 years old. and in your mothers house and stop causing drama and show some respect and... but i said it all funny and soft and made her laugh and then she says just straight brutal things to me sometimes and THEN she starts crying ohhh you always make me feel so much better and its like i can never say anything to make you feel better and dadadada..
ok. ok. ok. whining over.
elena called me. last night i did it and went to the beach, and i couldnt even relax because she called me when i was walking around the water and started moaning about some irrelevant shit the entire time and i soothed her and explained it all and broke it down and then she decided to say the thing that i have a million times asked her NOT to say because i DONT need to hear it and its just discouraging and not helping me in any way to just keep repeating and she just kept turning it around on me and i was so agitated by the time i left....
and she just called me now and is still on it, and i'm like, Dude.
i don't even tell her anything anymore and... well i know it comes in waves...
Also. like. she is constantly saying like, our situations arent the same, but theyre equivalent, like, the emotional stuff she has to deal with when she asks her mom for money is just as bad...?! as worrying one will have nae a roof over their heads? and being totally alone? um, no. besides. she wouldnt have to deal with any emotional shit from her mom if she didnt act like a total brat with her i mean the things she tells me!!! like, my mom said this and this and this to me, is it true, why did she say that, and im like, because elena. you acted like a total brat. you are 35 years old. and in your mothers house and stop causing drama and show some respect and... but i said it all funny and soft and made her laugh and then she says just straight brutal things to me sometimes and THEN she starts crying ohhh you always make me feel so much better and its like i can never say anything to make you feel better and dadadada..
ok. ok. ok. whining over.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Burnout
Well, I'm done. DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Done with the semester. I completed it, as impractically and ineffectively as possible. But it's done. It's done, and I don't have to worry about homework and papers and getting up in the morning ever again, for a while.
I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.
I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....
Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...
Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...
I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.
I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....
Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...
Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I would LOVE some cheese with my whine, preferably Havarti. Thanks much.
Okay. It's clear. It's really clear, that nobody wants to hear about this. Anymore, or for the first time, or at all. There are exceptions. But generally-- I've been met with negative reactions.
I don't care what this means.
I'm not looking for advice.
I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.
So that's it.
Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.
One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.
I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.
ANYWAY.
After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.
WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...
??
Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.
But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."
Sigh.
Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.
At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.
Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.
And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."
Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.
But that is what I'll do.
I don't care what this means.
I'm not looking for advice.
I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.
So that's it.
Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.
One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.
I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.
ANYWAY.
After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.
WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...
??
Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.
But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."
Sigh.
Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.
At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.
Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.
And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."
Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.
But that is what I'll do.
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