Sex List

I'm gonna give another nod to gabbyfox my blogger crush- hey Gabby I'm sorry for misspelling your name before I'm like LD and all that, and for ripping off things you've said twice, and now three times, I always cite, but you're like- in my dreams I am the slutty uneducated you- and, faced with the dilemma of do I want to be with you or do I want to BE you I opt for the former. truly. imitation is the most sincere form of... you get it.

but anyway. here i take inventory of men and stuff. cuz it seems like a good idea.

so i dunno i guess from like, new years on? I was

1- In Cabo with M, known him for years but, took me to Cabo, luxury everything, gave me money, paintings, flowers, wanted me to "be [his] girl" and "my girl would never have to work." SIGH. Blew him off, in Julian's office, during a session, via text, as J dictated, and I, verbatim, transcribed.

2- Hmmm does anyone else remember?? God, is this a list of people I've kissed or who've asked me out or people I've slept with only?? I'm gonna wing it...... Eamonn. The Homeless Professor. See Homeless Professor blog for details. Musician, professor, host of open mic where I performed regularly, attractive, and homeless.

3- Ummm, married obnoxious TV writer whose show just got canceled and who reads this blog. Dude. Your WIFE to whom you were supposedly estranged texted me pretending to be YOU. We just kissed though. Yeah you thought I was gonna let you in my apartment after you took me to a bar one night? Whaddya nuts?

4- Well, consistently, and an awesome person, it's just sex, pretty regularly, my f-buddy, P. And actually, we talk about serious stuff. We're there for each other and he helps me w/ rent. No. I am not a hooker, thanks. We were dating normally. And then all this stuff happened. And now he has a girlfriend, who I like a lot, but still wants to see me and he's smart and really funny and just has his shit together and helps pay my rent. SORRY PEOPLE. It's like, EVOLUTIONARY PSYCHOLOGY 101.

5- Ummm, oh. VampirefromRomania who I was in love with and ended being an ass. I forgot what everybody's fake name was if I even gave them one. I don't even know if I wrote about him. That was like a month ago. Well we first met in October at the club. I REALLY liked him. And then he went back to Transylvania. And I waited and waited. And when he came back I was overit. I'm very attracted to him, we relate, I trust him cuz he's a thug and a vampire, he gets my music, he can be a child, he's not good in bed, and it didn't happen this time. End of story.

*Edit- 8- DATERAPE NECRO GUY

6- Zillionaire M who I was seeing but never even really kissed. Blew him off recently. Apologized but still haven't gotten together again...

7- Seven, one, infinity. JD. Never touched. Had telepathicroomsex.

Sooooooo.. actually slept with three people this year. Soulcount: Three also, but a different three.

Well, here goes something.

So, I had a busy week.. Still to come, tonight I'll probably play at, let's just call it the Twilight Room, Eamonn's little joint. Whatever. Unless I'm really too exhausted... But I have to dump my laundry, write a bunch of letters, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse...

My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.

I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.

One thing I did do:

Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.

S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'

Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.

S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'

Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...

S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'

Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.

S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'

J: Ahhh...

S: No, you can't, because no normal-

J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?

S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...

J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?

S: Oh my god, YES!

-----------------------------------------

Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.

And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.

I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...

Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?

Love and Longterm Planning

Love you all... Yes, I got my book back. Finally. And I'm not drinking... And Julian is evermore beautiful and today I had so much fun talking to him and he sent me this article he thought I'd like and I wanna tell you all about it, but I have class in the morning again, I have homework, I had psychology class tonight that was a joke and 3 hours, and I have to go to bed!!! Just enough food left for Madeline and none for me. Oh well. Sleep first.

Love and lust and like and loathe,

Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can

Droopy Lids

Yeah, so. I'm all sorts of Space Mountain, and my brain is chimichurras. I recorded with Kosta til 1:30 or so last night, and fell asleep, characteristically, after 4. And then I had my first class of the semester this morning. I slept through my alarm and came to campus without any worthy idea as to where I was going, so I was late. Class was great though, and I teacherpetted instantly, not in a manipulative way; he's just a really cool guy and seems like a great teacher and made references I recognized from the books I read with Julian, so I mentioned them after class.

I had to buy all the books and that and it's expensive. I have my ballet class in an hour. I can barely keep 'em open. And then I'm driving down to Eamonns's venue to retrieve my notebook that I'd left, of course, the one with all my songs in it, and to return his book, and to give him my CD, and... yeah... yesterday we talked, and he blew me off, and yeah... that's all for now, I can't.

Man, why on earth did I take ballet this semester? I mean I'll love it but all the dance clothes and shoes, not like I KEPT them. And man, I'm never going to get to sleep in. This could be bad.

The Homeless Professor: Part 2

I was dazed. I walked to my car in the pouring rain, in the dark, from the twilight of the couch.

I called the venue-- I said, I'm driving from all the way, I don't know what the traffic will be like.. I mean, I'll be late, should I come? and the guy said, You know what I'll save you a ticket.

I was stupid late. The drive was terrifying in the rain. I showed up, wet, interrupting, people staring, asking for him, Eamonn. A young guy was playing beautiful flamenco guitar on the stage. I hung by the back and finally he came out. "Ah, you're the girl." He leaned over and handed me a ticket. Chemistry. Instant. Mutual. "Ah. Donnelly." He smiled. Sort of devilishly. "Put your name on the list next to the blond guy, Japanese guy, at the mixer. Three dollars." "I have to get cash... Is there an ATM?" "Across the street. You going in the rain?" "I have an umbrella." "Put your name on the list."

I walked through the crowd again, and through the rain, to the grocery store. I bought a fifth of cheap vodka and get cash back. I took a swill in the bathroom. I came back in and ordered a lemon tea. I sat sipping it next to the blond boy, watching, some weren't great. I kept scanning around for Eamonn. I said I had to pay for my ticket. I dumped a little vodka in my tea. My name was late on the list. The boy next to me said his wasn't on the list at all, and didn't make it last week, though he was there at 7 30, they sold out fast, but maybe he'd get to go up. Eamonn walked by and I got up and paid him. We exchanged a couple words, walked toward the back, hung there for a second talking about nothing. I went back to my seat. I drank a little. The engineer asked me if I wanted to go next though there were like ten names before mine... I was like, "Oh, I don't know, I'm.. not really ready..." "How about in two or three?" "Perfect, perfect," I said and I was trembling a little.

Then Eamonn was onstage with a guitar, and he was riveting, hard and soft, haunting... I got up and did my two songs without saying a word to the audience. I don't remember it, I remember making mistakes, I remember it sounding good, I remember the piano was out of tune and mid-playing I said into the mic, Hey this C is like somewhere between a B and a B-flat, to the engineer and nobody laughed or anything. They applauded. I walked off without saying anything. I sat back down. People started turning and saying, Really great, your voice is so beautiful, where can I hear more? and you sound like ____, you sound like ____, you sound like _____, I love her! And the promoter came up to me and gave me a featured set. And I said, oh, thanks, wow, thank you, and as Eamonn walked through the crowd he touched my arm and said, Haunting.

Later he asked if the drink helped. He said what do you have. He said give it here. The conversation got boozy. He's a professor, sociology and human sexuality. I'm studying sociology, next week start... He has an album out... I'm working on a new one... His ex wife is a musician too. I bet she is good. She's amazing. But she stifled me. She didn't inspire me... Mine too, my ex fiance, amazing. He inspired me though.

We ended up outside, in a corner, talking, ducking the rain, in my car, making out, in the venue in the dark after it closed, on a different couch.

There's something you should know about me. He'd said. I'll tell you later.

So after everything, he looked at me and said, I have a son, did I tell you? He's five. No, I said, that's cool, I bet he's amazing. He lives with my ex wife in Arizona, I have a stepson too. From her? I asked. From her, he said, and I still support them. Must be tough.. I said. We're finalizing our divorce... Oh boy, I grabbed my coat, I need to go home now. I joked. No, I know that takes forever, I said, it took my best friend Elena like four years... And you know that car you saw out there?

And I said, That's where you're living...

And he nodded, and I nodded, and then I shook my head, and I was shocked, and fuming, and perfectly still, staring ahead of me, jawdropped.

I... this is just, I can't. I said.

You're tired... You need to go home... I'll drive you...

How will you do that?


I'll drive you back to your car in the morning...

But- oh.

I know the area I know the good spots. He laughed. At me.

Addendum: He's a total jerk. Wow. I hate men. So much.