Interior Decorating

I am one tired lady. I tried to go to bed earlyish last night but it was tough... I don't even know when I got to sleep but I kept waking up... Then I woke up at 8 and went for a run. I totally cleaned and also rearranged my furniture and the doma looks so much better and feels so much more comfortable. Jesus. That feng shui musta been pretty off.

But now I'm so tired. I wanna take a nap. I'm meeting Sunny at 7 for dinner. I can't afford dinner though. I'll probably get coffee. Or a soup. And then, of course, work.

I hung out with Cam last night. We did his scene thing again. He's real attractive. And sweet. We're gonna go to the beach tomorrow, and the Gogol Bordello show. And he hasn't like, kissed me or anything yet. (I mean we've slept with each other and kinda dated like a year and a half ago but I mean now...) And he always almost does and walks me home and then says good bye. And I really like it. And obviously we flirt a lot and he's always trying to impress me and over the three times we hung out gotten more touchy and stuff. And you know. I know he likes me.

But this makes me think. Maybe none of these people like me. Maybe they're just flirting with me to be flirty.

I mean... Cam really liked me before... the last time... and men have fallen all over me, been crushed, made fools of themselves, poured their hearts out for the first time ever, and proposed, with diamond rings, introduced me to family, etc, etc, always. Hot shot lawyers, millionaires, rockstars, nice boys from Idaho, married, single, young, old, mobsters, Christians, all nationalities. And all the guys I meet in the club. And at the shows.

But... maybe, some of it is just all in my head... I mean... I need a mirror... all the time... I see myself in photos and I feel like that person is beautiful but it's not me... Or onscreen... and I always feel like I just don't look like that anymore... I only feel pretty when I'm seeing myself onscreen or in a mirror at the club or when people are watching me and telling me I'm pretty. I'm like... It's not even that important, because I just don't care anymore. But it's important because... it really makes me wonder if I'm just delusional all the time. If the club and the pictures made me think, or the particular men, and I'm not anything attractive or anything anyone would wanna be with. I damn sure don't feel pretty right now. I don't have any nice clothes AT ALL. NOTHING.



But. now that I've moved the bed, the breeze and the sunlight coming through the window are caressing my body and there's nothing more beautiful than that...

No Cryin' in Baseball

I'm not going to discuss today, make a list of the mundane details of which today was comprised, which will only serve to get me going and bore my faithful readers, that have made today the Worst Fucking Day I've Ever Had, not insofar as anything bad happened, just in the sense that it has caketakingly been the day I would least like to ever repeat, ever again, right now, as far back as I can remember.

Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.

'Nuff said.

For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...

And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)

bones-weary

I really need to just buck up and buy some real internet... It hasn't been working probably 75% of the time for the last week, and more than half over the entire last month... it worked for like 4 months perfectly...

So I'm sitting here at the Sbux online, blogging and doing homework, and I'm cold, and I'm so, so, exhausted, and I have to pee...

I ran six miles today, and walked back two more from where I ran... I've been ruminating a bunch... but also productive. I dunno. I'm shocked at that e-mail I sent. Clips:

"... it is a pressing matter, now, a matter of pressing up against myself, now.."

..."can I see what did that test say again can you show it tome please can you sit here please can I see it and can you sit next tome and can I sit over here now and can I sit on your lap too? in yourlap? on your lap? Omg, *PLEASE*?..."

"...anywhere in a bar or on a roof or we know how we feel about cars but I can think of worse ways to spend my time than trembling and screaming in Julian's Jag or really I can't think of a better way actually, I can't..."

"...I can't wait to see you though I don't want to see you in the middle of your day, no, not only the middle of yourday, outer limits too please, first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and twilight, and in the rain, and in the sun, and Allah youare so beautiful whenever you open that door my heart just drops downinto my shoes, I hate wearing shoes, I hate wearing shoes..."

"...that's if I can make eye-contact, which is difficult sometimes, because see, in my head, it's perpetually "the morning after." I want to um, justify that..."

Yeah. Yup. Yeah.

Love and Longterm Planning

Love you all... Yes, I got my book back. Finally. And I'm not drinking... And Julian is evermore beautiful and today I had so much fun talking to him and he sent me this article he thought I'd like and I wanna tell you all about it, but I have class in the morning again, I have homework, I had psychology class tonight that was a joke and 3 hours, and I have to go to bed!!! Just enough food left for Madeline and none for me. Oh well. Sleep first.

Love and lust and like and loathe,

Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can

Droopy Lids

Yeah, so. I'm all sorts of Space Mountain, and my brain is chimichurras. I recorded with Kosta til 1:30 or so last night, and fell asleep, characteristically, after 4. And then I had my first class of the semester this morning. I slept through my alarm and came to campus without any worthy idea as to where I was going, so I was late. Class was great though, and I teacherpetted instantly, not in a manipulative way; he's just a really cool guy and seems like a great teacher and made references I recognized from the books I read with Julian, so I mentioned them after class.

I had to buy all the books and that and it's expensive. I have my ballet class in an hour. I can barely keep 'em open. And then I'm driving down to Eamonns's venue to retrieve my notebook that I'd left, of course, the one with all my songs in it, and to return his book, and to give him my CD, and... yeah... yesterday we talked, and he blew me off, and yeah... that's all for now, I can't.

Man, why on earth did I take ballet this semester? I mean I'll love it but all the dance clothes and shoes, not like I KEPT them. And man, I'm never going to get to sleep in. This could be bad.

Ceci N'est Pas Un Blog

I am not blogging right now. I am so f'in' tired (I know--Wolf! Wolf, wolf wolf!) that I'm grossed out by the computer and the lamp; I've finally exhausted myself to the point where I can just Go To Sleep, for f's sake, and Madeline's acting like a lunatic and it's so irritating I'm feeling like a lunatic myself. I still had to laugh though, she was autistically scratching at a paper bag and dashing back and forth to finally end up suspended pretty much upside down from the couch. One of my neighbors I never spoke to before stopped me walking out and got me a booking at this swanky place downtown, he's been hearing me play, I had no idea I was audible, for some reason... of course I am. I figured it was a load of crap because he told me I should sing for this, and that, and commercials, so I could make money?? and I was like, well yeah, but... that's kind of hard to get into... and I don't know any of those people. But I gave him a CD and met the manager (who I've heard of a bunch and awesome) and have one coming up, and I'm actually gonna ask J if there's something I can take because I never get stagefright but I think I'll be so nervous I choke. Quite in contrast with the other neighbor. Never dealt with that.

I had a date with Julian today (joke, I'm not actually insane yet ), and it was amazing. I am, not to be mundane, madly in love with him. GOD-DAMN am I in love with him. He got out these comic strips people have cut out for him (patients? I got jealous, just now. Why didn't I think of that?? That's cute and unassuming. But no, too forward for me. I can't make a move yet. God I sound like an ass...) when I was telling him Madeline was being a nightmare lately and he said he thought of me, and, oh man, I'm starting to cry now, what is wrong with me, je-sus. Jesus. And I'm blogging. I have to cut it out.

Love and lunacy,

Scarlet O'Dreamtime