Thursday, September 30, 2010

30 Days of Truth-- Day #4

Maybe this is my being lazy but I think it's actually the opposite.

Plus it seems to be a perfect sort of introspective exercise right now.

So I'm jumping on the bandwagon with Bathwater (who discovered the bandwagon through hope dies) and doing this 30 Days of Truth thing.

Today's Day 4, something you have to forgive someone for.

I scrawled something on your page BW but I'm gonna think about it some more and answer it more fully....

Heat Wave

I can't take this heat anymore.
I've been basically asleep for 3 days. I was exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. And the painkillers. And all the work. All the intensity with Julian.
But no-- what it's really been-- is the 113 degree heat and the unairconditioned apartment and the only possible way to get through this misery is to sleep through it.
My muscles again feel atrophied from lack of exercise and I missed a class again.

My friend just said something funny about the blog:
"It really is so precise in its emotion.
You're not wearing much, because there is a heat wave and you're in heat and he's in heat.
It's all so hot."


It can't sustain. Ughhhhhhhh. Please god make it stop now.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Lie Detector Test

so yesterday i saw him and.. he didnt wanna talk.. he doesnt wanna play this anymore..

he looked so gorgeous though, he had like track pants and a t-shirt the exact color of his eyes and sneakers on... it was the first time id ever seen him not in dress clothes which, i found it really funny, and really endearing that a grown man with an esteemed career where he'd have to wear them every day would call his work clothes "dress clothes" like a 12 year old.

and his pants were black, and his shirt ice grayblue and his hair is black and his eyes are ice grayblue, his arms are kinda tanned and nicely muscled and shaped and i couldnt take my eyes off him, my mind went blank again... and he told a story at the beginning of the session about
how he used to commute from this place near the beach and go and train in the morning and go in the water and then shower and change in the car and i was like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhewroiu23r9tiosdugioldsijkslfjsldogipsdigummmmmmmmmok.

but then he wouldn't chat with me. he'd flirt but every time i started to talk about something he'd shut it down and bring it back, so you wanted to see me here again because you said you didn't want our last session to be like that with you angry at me.

like he made sure to say it was our last session.

so i just got on him.

literally. i crawled over and took his hand. i was wearing hardly anything (we're having a heat wave.) and said how is this hand doing. and he starts laughing and then i stood up and sat on his lap and said Dame, dame el otro mano. and he dame'd it, and laughed (giggled) and started to say something and i said see i need to see how your hands are doing, because they don't lie as much as you do. and he's blinking up at me with his big blue eyes looking particularly like a teenager with his blue t-shirt on and sort of giggling, laughed way too loud at that one, closed his eyes and sort of tilted his head back, "Okay.... Okay, because they don't lie as much as I do.." and I kissed him lightly and he a little tense and started to withdraw his hands which had been squeezing mine the whole time and I was still holding so I held them up and went, sort of breathlessly,

See, this is a lie detector test...

And he laughs, It's a lie detector test, uh huh, ok...

Yeah... it is..

And he's just staring up at me, head cocked to one side, incredulous, like, why are you doing to this me?

And I'm holding hands up making circles in the air, and breathless, Whhhyy dooo.... and I take his palms and put them on my neck....

And he's shaking his head slowly, still looking at me like that, shaking his head, but circling my throat with his big hands, gently. contradict everything you say?

And again, throws his head back laughing way too loud, Why do I contradict everything I say... That's a LOADED question... that's... that's...

And I take my hands off his and put one on his neck and then tug on his hair with the other twice like Beep beep and say Questioning the questions is not gonna throw off the lie detector readout, and then I tug on his hair twice and go, Beep beep.

And he's staring at me and he goes Scarlet... Scarlet...

I'm just... I'm gonna need a little more space...

It was so direct and sincere and not game-y I got off him immediately almost embarrassed and he's still babbling about " answer the question fairly I mean and I think anyone would agree, that that is a LOADED question, I mean, ANYONE would agree... like I could say, I don't always contradict myself and you'd say okay well he said not ALWAYS..." as if it's a really fucking lie detector test, because, he TOTALLY really believed it was... I mean, he really did, he really thinks I can read his mind when I'm touching him, and I can, but I mean not like THAT, and I just said,

Okay, how much space? How much more space?

And he stopped and I was already back on the couch and he was still babbling and he stopped and said Well, I...

And I said, Like, months?

And all blue-eyed blinking, "No! No, no..." and then collected completely, "I don't have a specific answer for you..."


He mentioned going hiking twice and that the cafe had wireless once yesterday.

I'm just gonna chill and run into him there in like a month. That's it. And no e-mails at all, and certainly no freaking out.

I can do it now.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Ctrl+Z that! :-)

Well, he was undeniably incredibly crass, but I wrote back another long e-mail like wow no we're really on the same page here, i'm not interested in doing that kind of piece, thank you...

Couple back n' forths and cleared it all up because now I'll get to have the article, and the plugs, and classy photos of my choice in that magazine, and its a pretty cool one.

Oh wow ew NEVER MIND

Dunnell Blake Woods to me
show details 7:28 AM (2 minutes ago)

Send me a few photos -- including some with that lovely ass (no pussy
shots) and perhaps showing some boobs.
They don't have to be naked but should be what you are currently about.
And give me some names to plus -- and I'll see if I can edit down
something for you.
What is your stage name -- or can I use your real name?
I will send you the proposed piece before I published it.

Re: possible article for Heights winter issue?


hah! about surviving in hollywood?? oh i'd love to!!

i have a lot of things to plug........ i started writing new music on the piano (mostly because i became a shut-in and didnt speak to anyone about anything) last winter and started playing out and now (next week actually!) i'm recording an album w the producer from C----------!!! ... and then me and p, my friend whose company that investment was far, are filming this show in like a month in nashville, that im co creating with him, acting in, he's directing- and they're both like, just ideal, like there is no one else i could think of that id trust with the material, both projects are really personal so i'm trusting them with my heart too and i havent had ANYTHING, ANY work, ANY connection, any HOPE--- for like a year and a half-- for almost the whole time i've been out here. so it's FINALLY....

i have a lot to say on it too, one thing being that this whole experience made me realize that i never wanted this thing i thought i wanted, fame, and money, and being seen as "successful" in others' eyes at the cost of spending time with people i cant stand, kissing asses, being fake, and doing really stupid work i dont even enjoy, basically not feeding my soul in any way, not using my creativity or intelligence, and just not being true. i just realized that was what it was, and i do not fucking want it!

so whatever kind of success i ever get, will have to come about through things like this, individuals i really connect with, projects that are honest and real and beautiful, and mean something to me; it was never going to happen by playing a complete bullshit game- even with the big hotshot modeling agency, and all the hype, and all that stuff i thought was so important and that everyone saw as my big chance-- it wasn't going to happen, because it wasn't right for me, i wasn't right for it, "the camera doesn't lie," and i can't live in a world of lies. that's what i learned. WHEW.

well, i guess that's almost the piece in and of itself.

i'd be honored for you to publish it when it's finished.

thank you for the opportunity!

miss scarlet

ps yeah yeah of course ill add some juicy stuff and the sexy photos in addition to all this poetwax ;-)

All Together Again.

So, I just had a dreamy night with Ty at the studio. I went over to feel out the new piano, and talk about some of the songs, and it was just so cool, SO COOL, like I didn't feel ANY pressure, any uncertainty, he was so open, and respectful, and insightful, and into it, and professional, and is just virtuosic at music-- I have to admit watching him play and create sounds was kind of really compelling and attractive. And he's just so funny and cool to be around. And before that, and last night too, I was on the phone with P for like 5 hours, and we talked about our project and we talked about life, and he's fucking like, he's right on my wavelength, in so many ways, sometimes we slide into little mutual admiration society conversation about how amazing we each find the other. But it really is.

P has always been like that for me, but lately we've really just been going so strong. And the thing is, both of them, P and Ty, and the projects I'm doing with them, are like these amazing souls I am connecting with, that I'm COMPLETELY open and honest with, like I've been with J, partly because, the level I'm working with them, they have to know these things about me, and also they're artists, real ones, they just don't judge, and they're MEN, and it's so much easier with men, except for the issue of attraction, which there is, naturally, with both of them, I get excited to talk to them and when I think about them and laugh at the things they say for days and all of that-- but like-- it's so incredible-- they really take the work seriously, to the point where it's just downright more important and it's not gonna go there. Ty's married too. And me and P have been friends for too long and want to work together like, forever in the future. And so I'm not worried about it, so the whole thing is just so freeing and the projects couldn't be any more ideal and there's no one I would think would be better, and no one I'd trust more to get things actually done, and to have the finished product in their hands and know how to move from there... The future's looking... really exciting.


I had this business opportunity, related to P's company, and it involved finding people to make an investment.

So one of the people I contacted was the owner of this kind of glossy arts journal that had done a piece on me once, years ago, when my old band did this record and had a sort of popular single. I was like eighteen, and did the shoot and the interview, and became friends with the journalist, and ended up writing a couple things for the mag, too.

So I wrote the owner, telling him about the investment, and he wrote back that he's in this litigation and his credit lines are frozen and all this other stuff, and we just wrote back and forth for a bit and he asked me if I would want to write a short piece for the winter journal about Hollywood, and said I could pitch my project, etc...

So I wrote him back, and the e-mail ended up being like, probably the bulk of what the piece in and of itself will actually be. And I realized all of this:

Friday, September 24, 2010

wheeeeee i'm in a good mood :-) i like my friends... my fellow artists collaborators co-conspirators and confidantes... make life good. i'm stoked about futurez now :-)

Thursday, September 23, 2010


i. have been beat. so fucking exhausted all the time for so long.


again wanna thank all you guys for being here. it really means a lot to me.

i ended up calling the playboy people cuz i need $$ and i'm just too tired to go into the club, so i have this gig doing web stuff on their site. but its totally anonymous. its just like the club really. like the same exact thing except i dont have to leave my house now that i did the initial shoot.

i don't care. my record's gonna be really good. and so totally antithetical to any pop crap these slutty reality show/pinup ho's try to do. my music is kind of like, definitely not everyones thing. but you cant make fun of it.

so i dont care.

i dontknow whats gonna happen anymore. rollercoaster again. sigh. ithink ill sleep through it.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

An Education

I know more about autos and auto-parts by know than I EVER, EVER intended.

The latest and the greatest- sick with sadness

I saw Julian on Monday.

That's why I haven't been writing, going to class, work, nothing.

I also... I have so much cool shit going on careerwise I can't even think about it...

Makes sense, the balance, in our lives, one side plummets so hard and low it breaks as it hits the ground, while the other floats upward with the heat.

My show w one of my best friends and absolute genius critically acclaimed on-the-map director/writer/business shark P, that we'll be shooting in a month, my album w brilliant producer of one of my favorite most also critically acclaimed undisputedly bands ever that i'm recording in a week...

But still I was fucking despondent after Monday.

because this is sad with J. It was sad this time. It was sad. I don't know what to say about it right now except at one point he was telling me like if the circumstances were different "we'd walk to the reservoir, we'd go to Viet cafe and have noodles, and then walk to the reservoir," -it was the stuff from my dream i wrote him about, like in april... and he remembered it... and he bought this book i always talk about... was telling me how he was talking to his friend about it... and yet when i first came in he was still lying to me looking me dead in the eye, stalling and asking me to repeat myself so he could come up with answers... kept asking me to explain, i don't know what he wanted me to say to let him off the hook... i asked him why he couldn't look at me when i told him certain things... and he said "because you are so holy fucking beautiful." which is what i said to him, last time. and the second time i heard him swear.

but no. he cant, wont, maybe just say it, or maybe just wont, for way longer than one month or two. for what might as well be ever. so when i left i said so i guess this is Permanent-goodbye. and he said we can hug again if you want.

and when we hugged when I left I started crying really hard on his shoulder, shaking, for a long time, and he pulled away, and i looked up, and he had his hands kind of on his cheekbones too like, like tear guards... cuz he was almost welling up tearing...........

i turned around and stared at my waterbottle so i could collect myself for a second and he was watching me and i said I know I know I have to go I know and he put his hand on my shoulder and I tousled up his hair not looking at him and said Bye pretty Julian as I walked out the door he held onto my arm and held me back and then i think changed his mind about whatever he was going to say and just smiled like he was laughing that I called him Pretty Julian and just sort of like stroked my arm lightly and said Bye Scarlet

I was sick with sadness and I had to walk home cuz my car was in the shop

I got home and wrote him I have to see you one more time

And he responded the next day "I won't be in the office as of Thursday for hopefully only a few days due to a medical procedure so I don't have any openings today or tomorrow because of that but i'll check my schedule later and see if we can set something up for next week."

He didn't write later that night.

That's why... after recording, and after the shoot, and after finishing out the semester, I'm moving back home. I can't stay here.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I'm so tired it's actually upsetting.

Last night, ah, my hood flew open while I was on the freeway near the leftmost lane at 9 pm going 70. It wrapped around my windshield like a batwing. I'm glad no one was with me. My heartrate didn't even go up. I registered- k- ok can't see gotta pull over that definitely bent from the windspeed signal, hazards, k hopefully there's a left shoulder yup there is just barely from my peripheral k. got out, pulled hood down, nope, couldn't latch, it was the Great Concavity.

i called my stepdad even though i knew it was midnight there; he's called me at 9 even 10 pm here a few times. i was hoping he could call AAA but he didnt pick up so i called my insurance and got their roadside assistance. i called P. told him the deal and he said whoa the dwarfs the shop talk i was so excited to get into with you i said no FUCK thats exactly what i wanna talk about, hahaha. about 10 minutes later stepdad called and i answered he was screaming said sorry i had an emergency with the car im on the other line now though and he screamed things i couldnt understand and i was like what what is WRONG with you then I heard P laughing cuz i guess he'd hung up on me after 5 seconds and it switched back. i saw later he called while i was on the with insurance and left like really nasty text messages so i just wrote him:

Sorry I called so late there was a problem with the car and sorry I couldn't answer but I was talking with the roadside assistance and I had to explain where I was. I know you were just yelling because you were worried. I'm fine.

I wrote that, even though, it was totally fucked up of him and I think he's on something. but it was good cuz today he called and was like sorry i was just worried and i understand now and i was like its fine its fine and now he's sending me money. we talked for a while and he told me all about these medical experiments he's doing that's all we usually talk about and i know he likes to tell me because i understand and ask the right questions. the kinda questions that make him pause and say, ..Yes. or Well-- it's to be seen, or rocefin is a beta inhibitor and so far they've only used it in trials with lou gherig's disease so I think it should be effective with this too, right? even though he's talking in neurology acronyms i understand it i dunno. and i know no one else does. i think he's brilliant. he just doesn't care about me like a parent cuz he's not my real dad. they never can. i don't know if my real dad is or was brilliant but im sure he is/was, he was a musician, from when i remember him. and my mom wouldnt have married someone who wasnt. she never went to school or did anything for work, but she was an artist, as much as anyone can be. we were poor and then my dad left though i dont remember any of this and then she remarried and then we weren't poor anymore. i mean no one in my town was rich or poor and its not something you pay much attention to until later like when i was in high school and started dating older guys and traveling and stuff i noticed it big time.

i wanted to go for a run but i think it truly would be impossible. ive been having so much trouble sleeping and ive been so tired, and i recorded just with my computer my songs without me singing just the piano so i can be used to doing it that way at the studio but i played them back and i realized i need to practice with the click track (or crappy keyboard metronome) so i should do it again but im so tired and a little nauseous.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

it's okay

rescheduled for monday

who even cares

i saw my hairstylist today we went to coffee, the one who used to see him, and i talked to her, and she said you should try really not contacting him, no writing, no nothing for at least 6 months, and then if you're still interested, then contact him.

if you're still interested.

for right now though- i really just need to get over it.

I AM guys. i didn't see him for like 2 months. i'm seeing him once on monday. and then i really wont. see him anymore.

theres been some good stuff going on... really good stuff with music... stuff's okay... stuff's okay... it's okay.

Friday, September 17, 2010

you guys are right
he just canceled
and i want to kill myself

Thursday, September 16, 2010


So I'm seeing him tomorrow at 3... well MAYBE. He gave me one of his standby type appointments where he might not get out of court in time to make it.

Sorry guys.

EXTREME CHEMISTRY + shared dry sense of humor + lifesaving + most passionate kiss of my life = I can't help it, I have to see him again, I have a list of questions for him this time and I'm not scared of nothing. And now that I know he's been faithfully reading my letters... :::swoon::::

On another note, on the way out of class today I asked this woman where the bathroom was and she said, I just wanted to say, you're so pretty, and so smart, and every time you speak in class it's just so thought provoking, I really enjoy being in class with you.

I was gobsmacked.

Phonecall with Julian Thurs morn.

"Hi Scarlet you wanted me to call you."
"Hi, yeah."
"Okay well, what, what's going on?"
"I'm just really struggling with this, being completely ignored by you, and, I don't know if there's anything you can say, but just, yeah it's like been--"
"Well, have you tried seeing another therapist?"
"I've thought about it."
"And where are you on that?"
"I've sort-"
"Because I know a, a guy, he's an older guy, and, I like him, I mean, not that that means you'll like him, but, I can try, I don't know his availability right now-"
"And as far as the letters, you-"
"I know."
"You know what?"
"You think I should stop writing you; I will-"
"I didn't, okay, you're putting WORDS IN MY MOUTH now-- I thought, you'd want to stop writing, so that you can move on, and my not responding, I just thought it's, it's like you said I'm, I'm shunning you or, and I'm not, I just thought I should try to help you, move on and..."
"And so yes we can, I can try to reach this doctor and we can move forward from there-"
"MOVE FORWARD FROM THERE... ugh... what, do you have like two minutes to talk right now?"
"Well I'm- Janet's in my office and I'm in her office and she has an 11 o clock, that's, that's the situation..."
"I see..."

"Hello, Scarlet?"
"Yeah I'm here."
"So yeah, I'll get in touch with this doctor, I know he doesn't take less than 150 dollars though, he's out of network but..."
"Oh Julian I can't afford to be--"
"I know but I'm sure he'll-- and, I can tell him about you, beforehand,"
"If you want me to, it's up to you."
"Are you crazy?"
"Is that COMMONLY done?"
"It's within the REALM of standard practice, yes... Scarlet?"
", so, what do you, I'm having trouble figuring out--"
"Ha! I'M having trouble figuring out! Are you like, totally unaware that there's anything wrong besides that I've stopped therapy, or what?"
"No... I'm... I'm aware that there's something besides that."

"The way you're talking to me is just, feeling really false, J."
"What do you mean, can you explain that?"
"Yes, it's just, and I don't want to be presumptuous or insulting it's just like, this whole, I dunno, business-like and maybe slightly condescending--"
"Well, I'm sorry if it seems condescending, I'm, I am, on the phone, in Janet's office, I mean I don't know what to say, what do you want?"
"What I want. Is to talk to you. Outside of that office. Like a-"
"I can't do that, Scarlet, I CAN'T, I cannot-"
"It doesn't have to be OUTSIDE of the office- there are a lot of things that were left hanging but- that I still need to-"
"Well, I don't want to say, since you keep writing 'just don't call me up and tell me to make an appointment'..."
"Who cares what I keep writing? You sound like, are you really irritated or, what's going on..."
"I'm not, I'm sorry if this sounds cold and clinical-"
"It's not just cold and clinical you sound irritated-"
"Well I'm on the phone, and I have a time issue, so, yes, maybe I'm a little stressed about that, maybe that's what you're hearing."
"Anyway yeah, I'll make an appointment- but no- then you'll just be dishonest there."
"I'm not dishonest with-- I'm always honest--"
"For you to say, that you've always been completely open and honest with me right now, is just, it's crazy."
"It's just bullshit."

"So yeah if you can be honest with me, in an appointment-"
"I, I will be..."
"Then I'd like to make one."
"Okay so I'll look in my schedule and I'll find a time and get back to you this afternoon or it might be tomorrow morning because I'm booked solid through today but-"
"Okay so I'll do that and, did you want me to follow through with that doctor?"
"No, no thanks."
"O-kay. So. Okay. So are you okay?"
"I feel better now I heard your fake-mad/irritable/nervous-wreck voice, yeah,"
"Okay. Okay. Okay."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

OMG, OMG, it hurts so bad I can hardly stand it...

It has for so long

I don't know what to do anymore

I'm so alone and nobody knows me and nobody knows what's going on or how I'm hurting I'm just a fucking body in a room, shut in a room for days, the phone doesn't ring anymore, God help me, I don't know what to do

Over It.


I am officially over it.

It's time to do other things.

Ridiculous, is what I've been, and deliberately or not, this guy wasted a lot of my precious time. But don't think twice, it's all right.

I can't say I'm not sad about this. But. What else am I gonna do. I dunno. I should get another therapist. I'm not doing so great. Sigh.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Bad call

No, nah, take it back. I < 3 Julian. And the club is all right. $200 for 3 hours of dancing and sitting around and talking to actually okay people tonight.

Elena, however. Again haven't spoken to in a month. Calls me here when I got home, which is 5 am her time, clearly drunk, starts rambling for half an hour about her phone getting stolen and the ex boyfriend, soon as I start talking she spaces off and puts me on hold, comes back on and I'm like you must be tired, do you wanna go? And she's like, well no, I wanna talk, I mean soon yeah, cuz it's late, but no, I was like why don't we just talk another time. And she's like, Why, really? Tell me, no! I'm like There's nothing to tell, you're tired, we'll talk another time. She's like Okay but call me! I'm like your phone got stolen, you call me. She's like okay I will! Bye! And I just hung up.

I mean, it's really disgusting to me at this point.

How self-absorbed and childish and thoughtless and frivolous she's become. I'm fucking over it.

Friday, September 10, 2010

F everything

Fuck these people
Fuck this club
Fuck Julian
None of it is gonna happen

Syncing Feeling

Funny, that.

Against all better judgment, and because I have to be at work soon, and S is coming to fix my headlight bulb in like 5 minutes, I was compelled to stop at Julian's. At like ten to 8. I decided I'd take his Eckhart Tolle CD to return it and see what happened. I almost hoped he wouldn't be there because it was such a mess and I'd be potentially blowing off a friend who was coming to FIX MY CAR...

And he wasn't. I got there, and his car wasn't in the lot.

While I was driving I heard my phone go off, e-mail alert. And when I got back in the car to drive home it was a message from Julian. The subject was "received."

I missed him by like 5 minutes.

I was compelled to rush over there when he was writing that e-mail.

It was just a thank you for sending the insurance check, and that he was looking forward to listening to my CD, and an "I hope you are well."

...But I looked in the e-mail headers (cuz I'm a stalker like that) and saw that it was indeed sent from his office IP, and actually in a response to an e-mail I wrote him a while back, that said all this stuff.


I'm not going to respond.


Okay no. Not today. No way. Toward the end of the month. Then it'll be TWO months about since I last saw him. And for these next 2 weeks- no writing, no letters, no contact, no nothing. He wants to be pushed but he needs to know that yeah, I'm not gonna bug him too much, considering the precarious nature of the situation and all, that I can control myself and am not gonna be a yeah, crazy stalker girl, which he kinda loves but, from his perspective, could also be kinda risky. So. No more e-mails. Gotta make him afraid to lose me. And miss me. Gonna drop by on Tuesday the 29th after doing my work at Table Top for a few hours in the morning, in case I run into him.


Okay woot.

AND- I am going to work tonight. Cuz I need money for certain things. Yes.


i'm either gonna go right now or wait until next week.

well, no i could go later but that would mean i'd have to ring the bell.

maybe ringing the bell would be a nice touch.

wait. i'm on a good roll. i haven't written him in a week, and I don't feel like I'm gonna lose it if I don't, though that usually happens at night... but the longer the better... has been exactly 2 months since what I PERSONALLY consider our last session but only 5 weeks since I actually last saw him, and maybe like 2 weeks since our last communique...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Soldiering ever and on

I'm like.. I'm like.. I dunno..

I'm tired. Man I'm tired. Not a lot of sleep, hardly any, ran 3 miles to the gym then took my yoga class and then swam. I met all these people at the gym and I ran into Mia, another dancer at the club, and she's one of the few cool ones and we actually exchanged numbers. She's pretty and smart too.

And then... I went to Table Top, cuz they have wi-fi now, as in Table Top next door to Cooperland, Home of J's Office, where he gets his coffee.

I sat there for 2 and a half hours. But I got all my linguistics homework done. Actually I got way ahead. Linguistics actually gets me going. It really does, and I dunno, in class today after like an hour I felt like people were getting irritated when I'd make arguments or observations the prof couldn't even really argue with, so I just shut up and looked down and wrote a letter to J in my notebook.

Obviously he didn't show up at Table Top. So I went by the Cooperland parking lot and looked in his car. To see what was in it. Unwashed. Yoga-mat. No more Paris pamphlet.


hey Bathwater, pssst!

Sorry I'm probably just retarded, but I can't figure out how to follow your blog or post comments? Retarded? Or like set that way?

nm i figured out commenting. latin. but still can't find the Follow option.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Designer Drugs and Bloody Wars

I took Ecstasy last night... or was it some MDMA powder... I dunno... with the Croatian director D (not being cryptic w the names here it just really is an unusual one)... he told me about being a teenager during the war... stories that blew my mind... I saw clips of his movie... it looked so amazing, like nothing I've ever seen before (not because of the damn drugs, they dont do anything to me except make me cold and sleepy... he kept asking, you ok? you ok? cuz I took a lot, cuz I have the metabolism of like a t-rex, and he was like How do you feel? You feel good? and I was like, I feel... like I took ecstasy. Hahaha. I've only done it a few times, like once every couple years it seems to happen, and it's always meh and always the same), it is really gorgeous, and the stuff makes me kind of loud and shit on everything and I was telling him my Inception theory and at first he was like No, I hate this guy, cuz he's the best at what he does! and then, No, okay, that's too much, and then, Yeah, so stupid... but it was well done... so stupid though you're right... we were laughing, and I kept going ranting about it and he was like, Yeah yeah ok it's stupid but relative to what's available in the cinema in general, it was okay. And I was like, YEAH. EXACTLY. Relative to what's available in the cinema in general, IT WAS OKAY.


We went to dinner at some fancy place and he asked me, Do you like your character? And I was like, why, do you DISLIKE it? And he said, You don't answer my question, you ask me if I like it, and I said, No, I asked if you dislike it? And he said, I love it.

That kinda melted my heart.

I was so cold though when the stuff kicked in we took a cab back to his house in WeHo and I ran to the blankets and we laid around and we messed around and we talked all kinds of crazy shit in addition to the scene at a bar in Zagreb that was hit by a cluster bomb... and everything he saw... and his dad, a sergeant in the military, at the base, alone in the dark because they couldn't have any lights on, even candles, cuz otherwise the plane's heat sensors would be able to locate the zones beneath them, as D walked in, a teenager bringing his dad something to eat, and saw him sitting amidst all the printers, the old dot matrix printers with the tractor feed paper that came out, with the holes on the side, just printing out and out and out from all the printers and his father despondent like How can I go in there tomorrow?? and he looked at the paper and saw that it was printing out thousands of names and addresses of the casualties, the soldiers, dead in that last battle....

And the way he told it...

Today I went to meet Jo for coffee and talk about this thing I'm doing with her for her school, and then I went home and finished up homework, went to class, listened to Perfect Lives, and I'm sad I am, a little sad, it's probably just that drug, and I'm fine I am, a little fine. Because, granted it's only been two weeks, but I'm going to all my classes and not dreadin' em. I participate A LOT and like the other students too. I feel so sad almost all the time but I do things that make me forget about. They come, the thoughts, they're constant, but, they're not really destructive now. But they are home.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Purple and Gold

I was gonna pop by his office today.
Drop in even.
That's what he wants me to do.
So I will do. Thursday. Thursday, Thursday. Wish me luck.

Today was a day that smelled like fall it was gray and it was thick and it was cold but warm there was water in the air and everything glowed, purple and gold, and today was a today that reminded me of a day that reminded me of a day that reminded me of all the years before when the gentle light of dusk was teary and blushing and trembling and blue, and the eyes of the world were a flattering light and they spoke to the heart not the head or the shoulders, and today was like the days when it all began, when you first held open the door, when I first walked out the back and down into the street electric and alive into sinking sun and waxing moon and air heavy with rain and heavy with mood, and it was thick and I was cold but warm and there was water on the dashboard and under the tires and everything glowed, blue and white, red and blue, raining indigo everywhere, and rays of purple and gold.

And it's the same old song that I've been singing for lifetimes and certain notes remind me that the melody is endless and the sadness is ceaseless and the winds are aimless and we follow them like leaves.

High Holy Days

i slept all day
woke up with distaste
and i railed and i raved

i have to get my oil changed
i have to get my wiper fixed
i have to get my right headlight fixed

my drugdealer boyfriend is gonna buy me the bulb
my neighbors a mechanic

i need to get on these things

and i havent gone to work in a hot minute

i finally got that 1000 refund i was waiting for, so i didnt feel i had to
but now i have all these expenses coming in. so i better slip on my thong and my white booty shorts and the the open lace slip and the 8 inch shows and get on in there like vinnie said.

one thing since stopping seeing julian is im not spending all that. even though he was charging me criminally low fees it did add up at the end of the month, 2x a week and all that.

i went out with the frenchies last night and now one of them wants me to be the muse for his film.

so does this other guy i met.

and of course the one guy i really know.

and then of course i have my muse.

whom i'm seeing this week.

there is some high holy day going on this week. it's a new year. it'll be my new year too.

everything will be great.

everything will be just amazing.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

labor pains.

more, more, going through the motions to pass the time, when did i become this way, i've never been this way, i feel so old and like i'm doing everything i can to just get older

i've been bad, i've been writing julian and he'll never write me back

my mind is OPEN, it really is, to letting others in, i asked my pretty drug dealer friend to come over on friday and spend the night, he did, i'm just so tired of being alone. i slept through saturday. today was painful. i'm trying to get things done. i'm going out for drinks in a bit with celine. i'm taking it second by second, and it hurts like a bitch.

things are fine, things are fine, but i kind of wonder what i did to deserve this.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I am so, so, perfectly lonely.

I create all this stuff and want to share it and nobody wants to see it so I pursue these careers about sharing for strangers, because it's the only way I can express myself or connect, and, I am just so utterly alone.

I love my classes and it's a pretty day outside.

I'm really happy with my music and some plans I have.

I'm practically suicidal.

Well. I wrote J the other day, and he didn't write me back, and so then I wrote him to let him know when my insurance (always the good red herring) claims cleared.

And he didn't respond to that either.

And I'm wondering if my e-mails are going straight to the trash.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I kind of love my classes in spite of myself.

I tried to go to work, hurried in straight after class, and it was another night of CantFuckingDoThis. And it was so slow... by fucking 11 even... I went up once, on my second song I literally just walked back and forth and sat down on the stage. It was DEAD and NO ONE was tipping SHIT. I walked up to the TWO sorrenos sitting by the stage and told them in Spanish, enjoy the show? like to tip? they said No its ok. I said, no, no, see, its not OK. you sit at the stage and watch the show, you tip. so the guy gave me five bucks. and then i was on the verge of losing it and vinnie saw me and said ahhh ok. i see the look. i see the look coming on. come on casper go get dressed and ill drive you home.

then the other girls decided to ball up and come into the office to see what me and vinnie were talking about, how i get to MAGICALLY leave. and we're just sitting there talking about ray liotta or movies or some shit. and these two dancers were just standing there silent. it was retarded.

And instead I'm SPENDING money on... ugh oh never mind.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

And, classes.

Time to go to class and hustle. Now I'm in a moving period. Going, going. I like my classes a lot... I'm just... sigh... I just don't know what I want to do with myself, ya know? I do well in them... I could do much better and finish school much faster if it were all I'm doing. But it's not. And I like the other stuff better. My soul needs it. So. Here I am I guess.

And the sadness. The loneliness of just not having love, even if I have friends, no love for so long... Wow. I dunno. A year. Is that normal? I mean there's been love... but... limited... extremely... frustrating... I can't move without giving it one more shot... just to run into him... and see what happens... I need to stop thinking about this. I'm thinking about it less. And I haven't written him in 4 days and I have no impulse to now.

Okay. Class.


Hey guys! Just wanted to say that I really appreciate all your support recently and your comments, they mean a lot to me, really. *sob* and I always try to comment back but sometimes it takes me a bit cuz I don't see them there for a while, but, just so you know...

love and late responses,


Too Much Fun

Being that it's only my second day off TMF, I decided to go for a run. It's 3 30 now, and it was like midnight, and I was uncharacteristically sleepy and debating, nice to go to bed at a reasonable hour but during the weeks of TMF I didn't go running at all (though i did manage to go to a shit ton of really intense dance classes and work, at the beginning) and I had a feeling once I fell asleep the Kicks would come courtesy of the Cold Bird. The DTs make your legs jerk around cuz they haven't been moving and there's no more TMF calming their nerves so even if you're so tired in your head you can hardly keep em open your legs and arms will thrash around in revolt and you'll be left, sleepless, sweaty, and and angry.

Plus I wanna keep the youthful bloom in me as long as possible and this city has definitely made its attempts to take it away from me, and this city has definitely made me feel that at 4.5 and 20, being closer to 30 than 18, I am definitely in danger of losing the aforementioned bloom any morning.

I've had dreams where I wake up with hideous lines and marks on my face, and then I wake up, and they're really there, and then I wake up again.

But I ran, now it's late, but it's ok, I don't have to get up early.

I'll feel better tomorrow.

Anyone get a seriously bad crash after dancing or running? like the runner's high and then a crash like a drug crash? i get really sad when it's time to go back in the doma...

I wonder if I'll tell J if I move. I wonder if I'll send him postcards from my roadtrip to Tennessee. Or from onwards to Ohio. (With a stop at you Kitty, for sure.) Or possibly onwards to New York.

And I wonder if I'll amble down to Table Top in 2 weeks and try to run into him there.


I will be writing more, k?

Cuz no more words for Julian. No more. No more.

Love you guys.

DRUG LABEL: WARNING: Do not feed the animals.

It's so tempting to go purchase and ingest a large quantity of drugs right now.

So tempting yet not tempting at all.

That's what I've been doing, for the past couple weeks, if we're gonna call a spade a spade here.

I don't even like drugs of any kind. I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Horrific timing as always, making the noggin' null and void right before a bargeful of shows, the onslaught of school, right at the very moment in life to buck the fuck up, right when right now truly calls from some grace...

Right at the moment I'm drooling over a cigarette typing in tongues.



But, no one has to know about this, because I kept my own personal ass pretty much entirely in the doma. No Sid to my fucking Nancy.

The headmath just kinda went something like this-- "Well," it went, "Well! You're not gonna be able to talk to him for a few months, and this is gonna put you out for at least a day or two..."


The stuff, well first of all it made me write him. Like, the Devil LITERALLY made me do it.

And it made me sit and think and wank and cry about him all by my lonesome for COUNTLESS fucking hours...

And then the Killyourself factor significantly spiked, when it wore off.

And it's not even fun.

Who LIKES that shit???

And now, here I am, 80 bucks leaner, two-weeks older, none-the-wiser, and really, no closer to the expiry date of Significant Time passage as I HAVE been communicating, and rather hysterically, at that.

Well. All very good for the art. But seriously. No more. Totally gross. Ugh.