Catch-up and a Response.

So Thursday night I went to work, and yesterday I went to see Julian... yeah, and then I went straight from their to E's open mic place, and I played, and felt I tanked and I talked to E for a bit, he's become a friend now, ironically... And then the guy who owns the place was there and ran out and said "Hey, you, I have a slot open tomorrow night for an hour long set... Do you want it?" So I'm playing tonight... an hour... That's like my entire repertoire... That's like 10 songs or more... I haven't played most of them in ages... I have to practice all day and write down notes and NOT be nervous.... Well no one can be nervous for an hour. I think it'll be good for me. I'm almost considering telling people. I want to go to work tonight too so I'll have to go right after. It'll be a long day.

So first...

I want to respond to KS- I know where you're going with that question... Don't think I haven't considered... My belief system is an intense, ever-shifting, often-painful, love-hate relationship with one, then another, then none at all, then a few... much like my other relationships, which are getting less tumultuous and deeper as I grow up, which is a good thing, but for now... Well I'd like to go into it... but another time... Just to say, my apparent lack of faith is not for lack of interest, or consideration... I don't live the unexamined life... and when I'm hanging on the edge I look out... and sometimes I feel... Anyway...

I'm going to continue this in separate posts... I think that would be wise...

Twilight.

So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, good-bye.
The sun has gone to bed and so must I.

It's bittersweet, the color of my heart.

Today was, it was beautiful. I didn't wear any makeup. J was relaxed and composed, and so was I, save for moments, a few self-conscious pauses, subtle challenges. We just talked today, for forty-five minutes, like people, like a man and a woman. I wasn't Lolita. But... it was flirting, in its own way, as Julian told me about himself, parts of the story of his life, his career, his impressive, dazzling, laudable career. He let go. Not bragging, but consciously impressing, and it was just the truth, and it was fascinating and it was funny. And I didn't play myself as hysterical, and I was funny too, and I was challenging. And we debated, back and forth, and when I gave him an off-hand compliment-- "because you're talented"-- I saw a glimmer of self-consciousness.

I asked if he is a total atheist. He thought his answer aloud, and then he asked me, and I thought out loud to him, too. We talked about science, and yoga, and spirituality, and writers, and I could tell, he was talking to me as an equal. And thinking about that now kind of blows my mind, but in the moment, I was just, right there with him.

With beautiful, beautiful, blinding Julian Darcy, who quoted my writing as he held open the door for me at twilight, my whimsying-heartbroke and made-up words.