so,

So I'm seeing him tomorrow at 3... well MAYBE. He gave me one of his standby type appointments where he might not get out of court in time to make it.

Sorry guys.

EXTREME CHEMISTRY + shared dry sense of humor + lifesaving + most passionate kiss of my life = I can't help it, I have to see him again, I have a list of questions for him this time and I'm not scared of nothing. And now that I know he's been faithfully reading my letters... :::swoon::::

On another note, on the way out of class today I asked this woman where the bathroom was and she said, I just wanted to say, you're so pretty, and so smart, and every time you speak in class it's just so thought provoking, I really enjoy being in class with you.

I was gobsmacked.

Soldiering ever and on

I'm like.. I'm like.. I dunno..

I'm tired. Man I'm tired. Not a lot of sleep, hardly any, ran 3 miles to the gym then took my yoga class and then swam. I met all these people at the gym and I ran into Mia, another dancer at the club, and she's one of the few cool ones and we actually exchanged numbers. She's pretty and smart too.

And then... I went to Table Top, cuz they have wi-fi now, as in Table Top next door to Cooperland, Home of J's Office, where he gets his coffee.

I sat there for 2 and a half hours. But I got all my linguistics homework done. Actually I got way ahead. Linguistics actually gets me going. It really does, and I dunno, in class today after like an hour I felt like people were getting irritated when I'd make arguments or observations the prof couldn't even really argue with, so I just shut up and looked down and wrote a letter to J in my notebook.

Obviously he didn't show up at Table Top. So I went by the Cooperland parking lot and looked in his car. To see what was in it. Unwashed. Yoga-mat. No more Paris pamphlet.

Meh.

Designer Drugs and Bloody Wars

I took Ecstasy last night... or was it some MDMA powder... I dunno... with the Croatian director D (not being cryptic w the names here it just really is an unusual one)... he told me about being a teenager during the war... stories that blew my mind... I saw clips of his movie... it looked so amazing, like nothing I've ever seen before (not because of the damn drugs, they dont do anything to me except make me cold and sleepy... he kept asking, you ok? you ok? cuz I took a lot, cuz I have the metabolism of like a t-rex, and he was like How do you feel? You feel good? and I was like, I feel... like I took ecstasy. Hahaha. I've only done it a few times, like once every couple years it seems to happen, and it's always meh and always the same), it is really gorgeous, and the stuff makes me kind of loud and shit on everything and I was telling him my Inception theory and at first he was like No, I hate this guy, cuz he's the best at what he does! and then, No, okay, that's too much, and then, Yeah, so stupid... but it was well done... so stupid though you're right... we were laughing, and I kept going ranting about it and he was like, Yeah yeah ok it's stupid but relative to what's available in the cinema in general, it was okay. And I was like, YEAH. EXACTLY. Relative to what's available in the cinema in general, IT WAS OKAY.

Hah.

We went to dinner at some fancy place and he asked me, Do you like your character? And I was like, why, do you DISLIKE it? And he said, You don't answer my question, you ask me if I like it, and I said, No, I asked if you dislike it? And he said, I love it.

That kinda melted my heart.

I was so cold though when the stuff kicked in we took a cab back to his house in WeHo and I ran to the blankets and we laid around and we messed around and we talked all kinds of crazy shit in addition to the scene at a bar in Zagreb that was hit by a cluster bomb... and everything he saw... and his dad, a sergeant in the military, at the base, alone in the dark because they couldn't have any lights on, even candles, cuz otherwise the plane's heat sensors would be able to locate the zones beneath them, as D walked in, a teenager bringing his dad something to eat, and saw him sitting amidst all the printers, the old dot matrix printers with the tractor feed paper that came out, with the holes on the side, just printing out and out and out from all the printers and his father despondent like How can I go in there tomorrow?? and he looked at the paper and saw that it was printing out thousands of names and addresses of the casualties, the soldiers, dead in that last battle....

And the way he told it...

Today I went to meet Jo for coffee and talk about this thing I'm doing with her for her school, and then I went home and finished up homework, went to class, listened to Perfect Lives, and I'm sad I am, a little sad, it's probably just that drug, and I'm fine I am, a little fine. Because, granted it's only been two weeks, but I'm going to all my classes and not dreadin' em. I participate A LOT and like the other students too. I feel so sad almost all the time but I do things that make me forget about. They come, the thoughts, they're constant, but, they're not really destructive now. But they are home.

And, classes.

Time to go to class and hustle. Now I'm in a moving period. Going, going. I like my classes a lot... I'm just... sigh... I just don't know what I want to do with myself, ya know? I do well in them... I could do much better and finish school much faster if it were all I'm doing. But it's not. And I like the other stuff better. My soul needs it. So. Here I am I guess.

And the sadness. The loneliness of just not having love, even if I have friends, no love for so long... Wow. I dunno. A year. Is that normal? I mean there's been love... but... limited... extremely... frustrating... I can't move without giving it one more shot... just to run into him... and see what happens... I need to stop thinking about this. I'm thinking about it less. And I haven't written him in 4 days and I have no impulse to now.

Okay. Class.

Burnout

Well, I'm done. DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Done with the semester. I completed it, as impractically and ineffectively as possible. But it's done. It's done, and I don't have to worry about homework and papers and getting up in the morning ever again, for a while.

I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.

I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....

Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...

Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...

No Cryin' in Baseball

I'm not going to discuss today, make a list of the mundane details of which today was comprised, which will only serve to get me going and bore my faithful readers, that have made today the Worst Fucking Day I've Ever Had, not insofar as anything bad happened, just in the sense that it has caketakingly been the day I would least like to ever repeat, ever again, right now, as far back as I can remember.

Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.

'Nuff said.

For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...

And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)

Sober, Somber, Steel

cam is hot. he's really hot. his eyes are huge his eyelashes are incredibly long and curly and he's just super sexy hot. he's tall and model-y but not vain and retarded; he's intelligent and curious about the world, and very sincere and the young little boys just love so much more openly. he has good taste in music. he made me a mix cd tonight.

sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?

but so what.

it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.

but so what.

today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.

and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.

his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.

seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.

i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.

but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.

and none of it's easy.

i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.

d

Beautiful calm driving.

P called me while I was at work, I finally just got myself to GO.

I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.

What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.

So that's where I'm at.

But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.

I'm gonna do it.

I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.

And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.

Sitting in Psych.

I made myself go.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!

But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...

Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.

So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"

He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."

And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.

Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.

Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.

Sigh. Cry-time.

Droppin' a quick line...

I have eight minutes til class... no, make that seven... and I'm all the way across campus at the library... had to get up super early to use the computer here to burn CDs and print out all this stuff... I've been busy recording and with school and seeing people so I've been good. Busy. Is always good... Really busy too!!! Today I've got class now and then Julian and then straight to this production meeting and then my dreaded Psych class all in a row and god knows what the Psych homework was and I was all behind on my others too and had to practice playing a lot. I'm gonna be in here later so. That's what I got for now...

One more time with this:

So I had one of my tests today and I think I nailed it, and I got an A yesterday too, though I got a 37/40... I think that should be an A-... Well no, I guess it's 92.5 and it rounds up. I mostly care though that they were small mistakes... it wasn't like a didn't know words, I just spelled a couple wrong.

I have Psych test tonight. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I know absolutely nothing. I'm lucky enough to learn a lot of things by osmosis... but this is too much... Sigh. Well I have a few hours to cram.

I don't feel too great right now. I haven't spoken to Elena for more than a few minutes here since the last time, which was a month ago now. Or more. She just never calls me back when she says she will. And I'm the one to call. International. I don't have a plan. It's like free for her. It's just getting old.

I saw Julian. He was nice and cute and friendly. He showed me a New Yorker cartoon he said mae him think of our conversation, and we talked about the youtube link about recurrence, and he showed me Rockstar (it's Rockstar)'s scratches. But he didn't say anything about things I'd said in the e-mail, he just ignored it all, except for the part where I mentioned his looks that made me feel like he was skeptical of what I was saying. I think we're just trying to move past it. Yeah, he's definitely just trying to get me past it. Okay. Whatever. Cool. I guess he can see that I have some other stuff going on, and that I can talk about it, so we're moving past it. You were Kat to just take things at face-value. Dead-on right. He even used those words once. I mean ks- don't know why I felt like calling you Kat, heh. Whatever little innuendos and hints and things I see in my head are really JUST MY IMAGINATION. The staring, it's just what therapists do. He's just kind of a flirtatious person by nature I think. And he's hot. So it probably seems he's flirting when he's not. I feel like an ass.

I just talked to Pasha (I don't know if I've mentioned him... trying to keep things simple and all that... and sorry about all the weird names in my life... I hang with a lot of e-pats... but he's a guy who I met at the club ages ago, and we kinda had a sugar-daddy thing going, I mean he just helps me with bills and stuff but like he's not my boyfriend... we would just *$&#... but then we were like, friends too... and actually like each other ... and I felt cool about it and then I felt weird about it and I talked to Julian about it-- again, how would he ever possibly be interested in me when I tell him things like that-- and Pasha is actually REALLY F-IN COOL. I always thought he's really funny, and really nice, and really level-headed, and sharp and he's attractive and really just the bomb but we just have a different kind of relationship like there's no romance I don't feel THAT way about him, I actually feel about him more like a friend like someone I can call and cry to, but anyway, I hadn't been seeing him at all, probably a lot to do with being in love with J, and I saw him again recently, and told him all about Julian, and he's like totally fascinated by it and was like perfect so you're not sleeping with anyone, you can sleep with me, i'll be the pig, and then you can have him as your intellectual half. Hah. But he said stuff about it that was just really right on-the-mark, like sensitive and perceptive stuff that I wouldn't think he'd know anything about, I mean he sure doesn't go to therapy... and today I was upset and I called him, and again he was really sensitive and dead-on and he was like, this is the part where it can get really dangerous and really fuck you up. You need to back off. Back off like 90%. This guy isn't going anywhere. And if he really wants you he'll move mountains to be with you.

And he's right.

Julian changed all my appointments around this week again and then last minute asked if Friday at 6 was good, so of course I said of course. And now I realized I have a show at 7. Another hour set. I'm gonna ask them if I can move it back a little since they're never on schedule anyway, and honestly an hour was a little too much to fill, but, really, maybe I should just try to reschedule or cancel with J this week. Really. I like thought (of course) this would be the night where it all happens. But after today. Come on, girl. WOW.

God, I feel good.

I really do. I went to class, I love my prof, it was fun and he likes the questions I ask and I ask a lot of questions and... I took the quiz after class, the one from Thursday, not the big test tomorrow, and so did a lot of other people, he didn't even make an issue out of it, at the beginning of class he gave them back to the ones who took them and then was just like, ok, because a lot of people didn't take the quiz yet, look over them and then hand them back and I'll give them back again tomorrow so the ones who didn't take the quiz can take it after class today, does that work?

And I took it and was just like, looking over it when I was done and was like, "Well. Here goes, I guess, staring at it isn't gonna help me now..." And he laughed it and picked it up, and he was like "It works... couple small mistakes..." and he showed me what they were and it was hardly anything... And then I talked to Jo after class and she works for a music licensing company and promoters, and she told me to bring a demo and she'll get me exposure and licensing through the company... So... I made a friend too. Yeah..

And she said I have to make a myspace page. She's the millionth person to say so, so... I'm doing it. Groan.

And I'm sitting here on campus on wifi, outside, and it's pretty, and the students are walking around and birds are chirping, and I have no idea why I didn't do this before... And I'm listening to the Gypsy Kings... And I'm teary from feeling good.. And I'm tired... And it's beautiful.

Love and Looking Up

S-O

But she still refuses to get GPS.

I was racing around all day, headthrobbed, and I still missed my second class! Like, what the F?

I just look down and stare at my shoelaces for 45 minutes. Seriously.

Luckily I'm such a suck-up my attendance is usually excused, but man, it makes me feel like a mess, that I did that, I've missed like half my classes already, and I have the DREADED psych class tomorrow. I'm sitting in the BACK. Oh, that stupid extra credit too. F that. It's just too stupid, and peanut-headed, it's practically against my principles.

I was on the phone with an old gf from KINDERGARTEN just now; she's amazing and incredibly funny but it was two hours and my head started really throbbing, I can't do the phone sometimes, I'm becoming just Lord of the Flies over here. What was I thinking about just now. Oh yes. I drove back ("back") from this meeting and went a little the wrong way spacing out to Vivaldi and giving change to freeway bums and stopped at a Starbucks and finished this 8-letter to my first love who's currently in prison (sigh) and then ended up-- I was about 3 miles from home-- driving like 9 different freeways for 45 minutes and missing the class. I missed the merge and the exit and the street and the exit and the merge and the merge...

HELP. Really.

Love and "Lie to Me" by Jonny Lang

Scarlet-O

Love and Longterm Planning

Love you all... Yes, I got my book back. Finally. And I'm not drinking... And Julian is evermore beautiful and today I had so much fun talking to him and he sent me this article he thought I'd like and I wanna tell you all about it, but I have class in the morning again, I have homework, I had psychology class tonight that was a joke and 3 hours, and I have to go to bed!!! Just enough food left for Madeline and none for me. Oh well. Sleep first.

Love and lust and like and loathe,

Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can

Droopy Lids

Yeah, so. I'm all sorts of Space Mountain, and my brain is chimichurras. I recorded with Kosta til 1:30 or so last night, and fell asleep, characteristically, after 4. And then I had my first class of the semester this morning. I slept through my alarm and came to campus without any worthy idea as to where I was going, so I was late. Class was great though, and I teacherpetted instantly, not in a manipulative way; he's just a really cool guy and seems like a great teacher and made references I recognized from the books I read with Julian, so I mentioned them after class.

I had to buy all the books and that and it's expensive. I have my ballet class in an hour. I can barely keep 'em open. And then I'm driving down to Eamonns's venue to retrieve my notebook that I'd left, of course, the one with all my songs in it, and to return his book, and to give him my CD, and... yeah... yesterday we talked, and he blew me off, and yeah... that's all for now, I can't.

Man, why on earth did I take ballet this semester? I mean I'll love it but all the dance clothes and shoes, not like I KEPT them. And man, I'm never going to get to sleep in. This could be bad.

Spread Thin, Stoked, Stormy

I know I haven't been writing as much, and reading as much, of your blogs, I just, I haven't had time, and, I've been writing letters to people... and writing a lot of music, and recording, and I can't sleep so I'm never awake, and I drink like a fish at work and I'm gonna cry even though I'm stoked... I have a showcase for a record label just last minute on Wednesday and I have to learn all my shit down and like I don't have time, I also had to finish my column for the paper today when it was due on Sunday. And school is starting, and working, school's starting in a week, and on the same day, my ex fiance is coming HERE. I haven't seen him in more than year. He didn't wanna move here. He used to be a rockstar, but I dunno blew it off, cuz he's, like that... but he's the funniest, most magical sexbomb person and I can't, I haven't even thought about what happened... But I sent him my tracks and he said it was good. And don't add anything to it, like drums or bass or whatever, it'll just mess it up. And he's right. And he gave me advice. And he's letting me cover a couple of his songs. His songs. Are genius. He has the sexiest, toughest, most beautiful voice in the world. And God I love him, but, he was, ugh... I don't want to think about it. It's too much right now. But I'm not gonna revert to how I was with when I was with him... all the growth, I'm not gonna regress, so I'm not gonna start telling him I love him and stuff because that's not fair and I need to just hold it back and be mature about it.

I see Julian tomorrow. I'm gonna tell him thank you. He deserves it.