High Holy Days

i slept all day
woke up with distaste
and i railed and i raved

i have to get my oil changed
i have to get my wiper fixed
i have to get my right headlight fixed

my drugdealer boyfriend is gonna buy me the bulb
my neighbors a mechanic

i need to get on these things

and i havent gone to work in a hot minute

i finally got that 1000 refund i was waiting for, so i didnt feel i had to
but now i have all these expenses coming in. so i better slip on my thong and my white booty shorts and the the open lace slip and the 8 inch shows and get on in there like vinnie said.

one thing since stopping seeing julian is im not spending all that. even though he was charging me criminally low fees it did add up at the end of the month, 2x a week and all that.

i went out with the frenchies last night and now one of them wants me to be the muse for his film.

so does this other guy i met.

and of course the one guy i really know.

and then of course i have my muse.

whom i'm seeing this week.

there is some high holy day going on this week. it's a new year. it'll be my new year too.

everything will be great.

everything will be just amazing.

No Cryin' in Baseball

I'm not going to discuss today, make a list of the mundane details of which today was comprised, which will only serve to get me going and bore my faithful readers, that have made today the Worst Fucking Day I've Ever Had, not insofar as anything bad happened, just in the sense that it has caketakingly been the day I would least like to ever repeat, ever again, right now, as far back as I can remember.

Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.

'Nuff said.

For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...

And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)

Weight.

I can tell it's
Winter, by the size of
The lump in my throat,
Gotta lump in my throat.

I'm frustrated today, I'm a rusted wheel.

I just, did everything, from the moment I got up I've been going, and save for the orgasmic endorphin rush I got after running 5 mi and my Power Yoga routine, it's all been really kind of frustrating. I just did errands and bought stuff and washed the house and gave Madeline a bath and played with Madeline and put my own ass in the shower and then caught up on e-mails and some phone calls and even gave Facebook a 5 minute nod and everything takes so LONG and I've just been on the verge of tears.

I did well last night at work... Couple regulars, one of whom I went out with a couple times, and liked, but like, not ENOUGH, but quite a bit. And sorta blew off. But I like him. I don't know and another guy I've gone out with, music industry guy, wanted to go out tonight and I said rain-check partly because quite honestly it is raining and I've had such a damn long day just catching up with myself, or trying, and though, partly it was because I'm seeing Julian early tomorrow and I, I always do this, if a guy wants to take me out, and I'm seeing J soon, I make it for after... Like because something might happen? And because it's so primarily on my mind?

And I've been thinking about him all day, of course, replaying past conversations, imagining new ones, and I'm just thinking, just thinking, he's helped me a lot with things, but now, it's like I don't have real psychological issues (well, ok, shut up) I more just need a friend to talk to, like ELENA, who went off to a fancy school and is never around, but is right, is right, Elena is ALWAYS right, and she told me I wouldn't rest til I had him (or knew for sure I couldn't) and that I'm just dicking around wasting my time and is she right?? Because without J maybe I'd go out more, maybe I'd like some of these guys, maybe I'd start building something somewhere somehow, maybe it's really just UNHEALTHY. An obsession.

But I love Julian. And now... it's just changed between us... and I don't know what will happen, and right now I'm confused and LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY-

And the minute I sat down just now I had to go move my clothes into the dryer and it made me cry.