An Education

I know more about autos and auto-parts by know than I EVER, EVER intended.

High Holy Days

i slept all day
woke up with distaste
and i railed and i raved

i have to get my oil changed
i have to get my wiper fixed
i have to get my right headlight fixed

my drugdealer boyfriend is gonna buy me the bulb
my neighbors a mechanic

i need to get on these things

and i havent gone to work in a hot minute

i finally got that 1000 refund i was waiting for, so i didnt feel i had to
but now i have all these expenses coming in. so i better slip on my thong and my white booty shorts and the the open lace slip and the 8 inch shows and get on in there like vinnie said.

one thing since stopping seeing julian is im not spending all that. even though he was charging me criminally low fees it did add up at the end of the month, 2x a week and all that.

i went out with the frenchies last night and now one of them wants me to be the muse for his film.

so does this other guy i met.

and of course the one guy i really know.

and then of course i have my muse.

whom i'm seeing this week.

there is some high holy day going on this week. it's a new year. it'll be my new year too.

everything will be great.

everything will be just amazing.

Can I be sainted already?

Well that's really saying something, I told the cop. When a "miracle" is when you DON'T get towed and arrested because you couldn't find your classroom and happened to be coming home in time to...

He shrugged. Hey, it could be much worse!

Yeah. I said.

I did thank him though. He was knocking on the door to my building, where I happened to be standing, cuz I happened to run into Tony, cuz I happened to be coming home and he happened to have decided to look for the owner of the vehicle this chola bitch happened to claim "hit and run" from her vehicle even though it was fucking PARKED and running nowhere and right up on her bumper, yes, but not hitting her, and I don't know WHAT kind of damage she's going to claim, as there is none-- yes, I was too close to her bumper-- fine-- but, GODDAMN!!!

He told me he wouldn't have pressed any charges because yes, it clearly was not a hit and run, but I would have been towed, and I would have gotten a ticket for parking too close to the other vehicle, and, and, and... I didn't.

None of that happened.

So yes... a miracle indeed... another frustrated, crosseyed, sweatbroke fucking miracle day for Scarlet.

Love and Lube

S-O

Cam and a bad Joke

i am not fucking going to work tonight.

nope.

i am not going to talk to anyone, because i tried that today, and it wasnt working out too well.

i ran into one of the producers of my movie in the fedex, where i was chipping away at the infernal occupation of preparing for my trip, and it took me like 5 minutes to figure it out and then another 2 to be simpatichnaya. and then i total Cam to go eat a bag of dicks, for no good reason. not for NO reason, but not a really good one. he just suggested going to the beach and then asked if we could 'take [my] ride' and last week after working on his stupid audition scene, he asked me to get him cigarettes, on the way.... i'm like... what the blue moon???

so that was today. ironically. i had more than half a mind to drive to the beach by myself, in my Ride, but to take the Blue Oyster, who's worth about $80 in scrap metal (i just crossed myself. i love the Blue Oyster and am extremely grateful for everything he's done but for the grace of god) when Cam has like, well, I dunno it's really low-to-the-ground and kind of clausterphobic, honestly it gives me the screamin Meemies, but at least, a normal car, is just out of the question, besides which he was asking deliberately to be like I'm not paying for your Shit, cuz I'm a Modern Duder, and you are not even sleeping with me. it's just seven layers of retarded, and i cant.

so,

here's a really bad Armotrash joke for y'all... or rather, a pearl of wisdom, in the standard vaudevillian totally like Capone meets Catskills three-part bait-and-switch construction. as told, with flawless timing, to Y.T. by mobsterpunk Meathead #1:

what's the difference between a russia girl and a french girl?

please, enlighten.

if a guy meets a russian girl on the street, and says to her, to hook up with her, oh, lets go have some drinks blablabla, she says, oh, no, i cant, i have to meet my mother, this, and then eventually she says, ok.

so they go for drinks, blabla, and then he tells her oh, lets for disco. so she says oh, no, i cant, its late, i have in the morning things to do, so he says oh come on so finally she says ok, ok, we go.

so they go to disco, so then he says oh why not you come to sleep at my place, so she says, oh, no, i cant, no, no, but eventually she say ok.

ok?

ok.

so a french girl, a guy meets on the street and wants to hook up to her, and says oh come on we'll get some drinks, so she says, sure why not?

so they go and have some drinks and he says, how about we go have disco and so the french girl says yeah sure ok!

so then after disco he says how now about you come to sleep at my house, and she says yeah, great!

ok?

O-kay.

so then in the morning, when they wake up, the french girl packs up all her things in her bag and says ok now im going, bye!

and the russian girl says in the morning, oh, just wait and i go to my mother house and take my things in my bag and i come right back!

DA-DAM CHING

No Cryin' in Baseball

I'm not going to discuss today, make a list of the mundane details of which today was comprised, which will only serve to get me going and bore my faithful readers, that have made today the Worst Fucking Day I've Ever Had, not insofar as anything bad happened, just in the sense that it has caketakingly been the day I would least like to ever repeat, ever again, right now, as far back as I can remember.

Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.

'Nuff said.

For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...

And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)

Sober, Somber, Steel

cam is hot. he's really hot. his eyes are huge his eyelashes are incredibly long and curly and he's just super sexy hot. he's tall and model-y but not vain and retarded; he's intelligent and curious about the world, and very sincere and the young little boys just love so much more openly. he has good taste in music. he made me a mix cd tonight.

sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?

but so what.

it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.

but so what.

today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.

and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.

his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.

seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.

i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.

but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.

and none of it's easy.

i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.

d

Turn it off.

I know. I mince words. Like it's Sloppy Joe night. So: Sick. Fat. Frustrated. Lazy. (Strep?) Flake. Tearverged. Disappointed. Car battery dead. Four days now. Shut in. Four days now. All ready, set, strengthgathered to go play at big place in town, too, before discovery.

Joanna flaked, or tried to make it tomorrow. I was, momentarily, just overit.