thank you TK, you know I think you're the Second Coming. And thank you, Bathwater, you're all right, man. :-)
and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.
but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.
so should you.
there is a meteor shower.
Perseid.
tonight.
love, to you all
miss scarlet
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Prelude to Uh...
Mmmh, sunshine lollipops.
I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.
We talked about that some.
I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...
His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.
And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.
And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...
How are they consuming?
It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...
And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...
And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,
But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...
I try.
And you're able to, push through, and get things done.
Yes, slowly...
So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...
I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...
I sort of beamed, Oh!
I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?
No, it's Paco de Lucia.
Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.
I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?
No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?
Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...
Oh, I can't, on this thing...
Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?
No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...
And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,
Oh! That sounds exactly like it!
And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?
And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-
Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-
I said No, no, it's a similar style-
In Spain there is that musical tradition-
It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-
Oh! Really?
From when I was like four-
Oh,
But I mean Gipsy Kings...
Are from France right?
Like- between-
The Basque region...
Yeah, but...
It is in-
They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-
Oh, really?
Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...
Oh right, A Mi Manera...
Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?
:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::
Oh here's your-
Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.
Yes.
I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.
We talked about that some.
I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...
His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.
And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.
And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...
How are they consuming?
It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...
And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...
And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,
But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...
I try.
And you're able to, push through, and get things done.
Yes, slowly...
So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...
I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...
I sort of beamed, Oh!
I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?
No, it's Paco de Lucia.
Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.
I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?
No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?
Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...
Oh, I can't, on this thing...
Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?
No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...
And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,
Oh! That sounds exactly like it!
And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?
And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-
Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-
I said No, no, it's a similar style-
In Spain there is that musical tradition-
It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-
Oh! Really?
From when I was like four-
Oh,
But I mean Gipsy Kings...
Are from France right?
Like- between-
The Basque region...
Yeah, but...
It is in-
They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-
Oh, really?
Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...
Oh right, A Mi Manera...
Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?
:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::
Oh here's your-
Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.
Yes.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
No Cryin' in Baseball
I'm not going to discuss today, make a list of the mundane details of which today was comprised, which will only serve to get me going and bore my faithful readers, that have made today the Worst Fucking Day I've Ever Had, not insofar as anything bad happened, just in the sense that it has caketakingly been the day I would least like to ever repeat, ever again, right now, as far back as I can remember.
Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.
'Nuff said.
For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...
And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)
Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.
'Nuff said.
For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...
And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
So, hmm. Scene Six, Take Two.
Well hell's belles.
Okay. So this is what happened again. I deleted some about it, but over the last couple weeks I've just been kinda bubbling up again, on the lemon-gin-fi33-that-is... I've-
I've been doing other stuff, too. I'm going out with a 3illionaire. His address isn't even a real address. I met him at that party I went to with the necro. And we've gone out twice. Haven't really kissed him yet, clearly, NO interest-- but we've gone out twice. And will on Friday. Probably. He is actually- and I know I've said this, but I do mean it this time- really kinda brilliant, and kinda awesome, but, I am just not attracted. I am just not. Not when I've got Dr. Drrr-r-reamy-ohmygod-shutup-nowaythatsyourshrink-he'sgorgeous-says-every-girlfriend-I've-linked-to-his website to satiate their curiousity, fuck, sitting at me like that.
He sat so close to me last week. I touched his leg. Not even by accident. Not even by pretend-accident. Just one of those, like, "Oh my god I KNOW!" things where you touch the person, to more emphatically relate on a point. And he kinda tapped me back, with his foot. When I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just like--" and did it again. And then he moved his feet away. I mourned on the inside.
And THEN, a minute after THAT, he moved them back. Closer. So our feet were touching. For a few minutes. And I had to pretend four of my six stomachs weren't doing the cumbia.
He has a huge, roomy office. No need to be up on me like that.
And those last couple weeks were straight BAR-CHAT. Jokes and movie recommendations and restaurant recommendations and even [no] religion & politics [at the bar]. I've gone to three of his restaurant recommendations in the last week. He's like-- marking his territory. Cu3 I'm not gonna think of anything else now, at those places, in my (and his) neighborhood. And I've seen two of his movies and have the next two in my Netflix queue and-- he's got one of mine now. One I bought. That I lent him. Ayup. Got it indefinitely. Scented version. Hahahaha. That shit is CKOne'd out of its goddamn mind believe me.
But, so, all that being said. I am still, not, anything, clearly, with him, and, still, doubt that I ever will be (as in, there is doubt, not as in, I totally doubt), so, yeah, I drank myself UTTERLY STUPID over the last few days, everyone, I apologi3e, and, well, I was really upset, because, like, this is happening again, where I just can't not-say-anything-anymore, it's the same thing, again, so, now, I wrote him, that little thing I posted about my dream, but, also, something substantially longer, a little more direct (but not much. This is direct as I get.) and I saw him today, and, didn't say anything, but was not all cheery like I have been, and he said so, and there was a little bit of restaurant and movie talk but then it sorta stopped, like it always does when I'm feelin' weird, because, well, it's Julian, I'm not putting on a show for him and he knows I'm a wackjob. And he knows I'm not.
Okay. So this is what happened again. I deleted some about it, but over the last couple weeks I've just been kinda bubbling up again, on the lemon-gin-fi33-that-is... I've-
I've been doing other stuff, too. I'm going out with a 3illionaire. His address isn't even a real address. I met him at that party I went to with the necro. And we've gone out twice. Haven't really kissed him yet, clearly, NO interest-- but we've gone out twice. And will on Friday. Probably. He is actually- and I know I've said this, but I do mean it this time- really kinda brilliant, and kinda awesome, but, I am just not attracted. I am just not. Not when I've got Dr. Drrr-r-reamy-ohmygod-shutup-nowaythatsyourshrink-he'sgorgeous-says-every-girlfriend-I've-linked-to-his website to satiate their curiousity, fuck, sitting at me like that.
He sat so close to me last week. I touched his leg. Not even by accident. Not even by pretend-accident. Just one of those, like, "Oh my god I KNOW!" things where you touch the person, to more emphatically relate on a point. And he kinda tapped me back, with his foot. When I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just like--" and did it again. And then he moved his feet away. I mourned on the inside.
And THEN, a minute after THAT, he moved them back. Closer. So our feet were touching. For a few minutes. And I had to pretend four of my six stomachs weren't doing the cumbia.
He has a huge, roomy office. No need to be up on me like that.
And those last couple weeks were straight BAR-CHAT. Jokes and movie recommendations and restaurant recommendations and even [no] religion & politics [at the bar]. I've gone to three of his restaurant recommendations in the last week. He's like-- marking his territory. Cu3 I'm not gonna think of anything else now, at those places, in my (and his) neighborhood. And I've seen two of his movies and have the next two in my Netflix queue and-- he's got one of mine now. One I bought. That I lent him. Ayup. Got it indefinitely. Scented version. Hahahaha. That shit is CKOne'd out of its goddamn mind believe me.
But, so, all that being said. I am still, not, anything, clearly, with him, and, still, doubt that I ever will be (as in, there is doubt, not as in, I totally doubt), so, yeah, I drank myself UTTERLY STUPID over the last few days, everyone, I apologi3e, and, well, I was really upset, because, like, this is happening again, where I just can't not-say-anything-anymore, it's the same thing, again, so, now, I wrote him, that little thing I posted about my dream, but, also, something substantially longer, a little more direct (but not much. This is direct as I get.) and I saw him today, and, didn't say anything, but was not all cheery like I have been, and he said so, and there was a little bit of restaurant and movie talk but then it sorta stopped, like it always does when I'm feelin' weird, because, well, it's Julian, I'm not putting on a show for him and he knows I'm a wackjob. And he knows I'm not.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
back.
I like working. I know I go back and forth but yesterday it was the only thing that I liked. I like dancing. I love it. I like making money. The people are funny and sometimes they're assholes and I don't even mind that.
Stefan- overit. He acted like a jerk, not a big deal, but enough to just turn me off. Immature, two-faced, not a gentleman, trying to be cool. I told him he was full of shit. I'm not even disguising names anymore because I don't care. I told Julian and he said it was good, he said some men respond to women being mean and step up to the plate, but that even if he doesn't it's good, because it would've been a bad foundation for a relationship. He asked me how I would've dealt with it before and I said back in October I just ignored all that stuff, all those red flags, and wanted him anyway, because we had a connection and I didn't want to give it up...
I said I wouldn't talk about Julian anymore, but screw it, because, it's not the same anyway... I've totally accepted that he's not into me like that, he's probably happily married with kids and why shouldn't he be... He deserves it. I think I'm still deep down really sad about it. But... I think maybe I talk to him more openly now... Well I do. I was just sitting there in silence blushing before. I talked to him about Stefan, even sex with Stefan, which was lousy, he drinks too much... and dancing, and the club... I was sitting with my boss and the DJ last night, the cool one I like who's only there two days a week who has picks me awesome new songs and has a sense of humor, it was late and everyone just left but I had hundreds of ones to count out because I made all my money on the stage, and the DJ was like, you rocked it out tonight it was raining bills every time you went on.. aren't you glad you stayed? and my boss was like, What, was she hovering? Don't you know, she's the Invisible Person. She's the disappearing dancer. She's there one minute and the next minute I have a call from her, hey, I'm on a plane halfway across the country... Hey, I needed to get out of there and go to another part of town... Hey Vinnie I'm down the street if you need me... We were DYING cu3 that's exactly what I say and I was like Vinnie you know sometimes I just caaaaaaaaaan't... and he was like, I know, it's OKAY, sometimes I can't either, but I'm stuck here. Hehe.
So after I finished telling that story I started tearing up, I was staring at the celing, and J asked, where did you just go? And I said, all over the place, I dunno... I'm not depressed... I'm doing things you know... I'm just sad, like this, all the time.. Why? And he said, well that's not an easy question to answer... but I do think the chemicals in your brain... tend to change sometimes, and put you here, and when there's nothing to pull you out of it, like talking to Jo, or skiing, or your music... it's kind of the default emotion...
Our time was running out and I was still sobby but I was putting on my shoes and he asked if I need a minute and as I nodded I started hysterically sobbing down into my knees, and I finally stopped myself, I made myself focus on something, I dont remember what, skiing maybe, moving with the mountain... and I said, Help.
He asked if I wanted to see him sooner, and I nodded. So I'm seeing him on Thursday instead of Friday. Thank God.
One of the guys last night wants to buy me a keyboard, like a really good one... That would be sweet. I don't know what it would entail... but the thought of like having an 88 key weighted Yamaha excites me a bit.
Stefan- overit. He acted like a jerk, not a big deal, but enough to just turn me off. Immature, two-faced, not a gentleman, trying to be cool. I told him he was full of shit. I'm not even disguising names anymore because I don't care. I told Julian and he said it was good, he said some men respond to women being mean and step up to the plate, but that even if he doesn't it's good, because it would've been a bad foundation for a relationship. He asked me how I would've dealt with it before and I said back in October I just ignored all that stuff, all those red flags, and wanted him anyway, because we had a connection and I didn't want to give it up...
I said I wouldn't talk about Julian anymore, but screw it, because, it's not the same anyway... I've totally accepted that he's not into me like that, he's probably happily married with kids and why shouldn't he be... He deserves it. I think I'm still deep down really sad about it. But... I think maybe I talk to him more openly now... Well I do. I was just sitting there in silence blushing before. I talked to him about Stefan, even sex with Stefan, which was lousy, he drinks too much... and dancing, and the club... I was sitting with my boss and the DJ last night, the cool one I like who's only there two days a week who has picks me awesome new songs and has a sense of humor, it was late and everyone just left but I had hundreds of ones to count out because I made all my money on the stage, and the DJ was like, you rocked it out tonight it was raining bills every time you went on.. aren't you glad you stayed? and my boss was like, What, was she hovering? Don't you know, she's the Invisible Person. She's the disappearing dancer. She's there one minute and the next minute I have a call from her, hey, I'm on a plane halfway across the country... Hey, I needed to get out of there and go to another part of town... Hey Vinnie I'm down the street if you need me... We were DYING cu3 that's exactly what I say and I was like Vinnie you know sometimes I just caaaaaaaaaan't... and he was like, I know, it's OKAY, sometimes I can't either, but I'm stuck here. Hehe.
So after I finished telling that story I started tearing up, I was staring at the celing, and J asked, where did you just go? And I said, all over the place, I dunno... I'm not depressed... I'm doing things you know... I'm just sad, like this, all the time.. Why? And he said, well that's not an easy question to answer... but I do think the chemicals in your brain... tend to change sometimes, and put you here, and when there's nothing to pull you out of it, like talking to Jo, or skiing, or your music... it's kind of the default emotion...
Our time was running out and I was still sobby but I was putting on my shoes and he asked if I need a minute and as I nodded I started hysterically sobbing down into my knees, and I finally stopped myself, I made myself focus on something, I dont remember what, skiing maybe, moving with the mountain... and I said, Help.
He asked if I wanted to see him sooner, and I nodded. So I'm seeing him on Thursday instead of Friday. Thank God.
One of the guys last night wants to buy me a keyboard, like a really good one... That would be sweet. I don't know what it would entail... but the thought of like having an 88 key weighted Yamaha excites me a bit.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Endgame???
I wrote a blog this morning that didn't make it up because my internet's been on the fritz lately.
I'm just in a vile, vile, vile mood. It like, can't get worse right now. I've been busy and tired and PMS'd out of my mind, and trying to diet, and Julian-obsessing, and freaking out, and like, I've been such a WRECK about him the last few days, and today he was a JERK.
JERK.
Maybe he's trying to be a jerk so I am no longer interested in him like this.
He was acting bored, and being condescending, and, ugh, I don't know. Yeah. Is that enough? Yeah, insensitive, too. I wrote him e-mails over the weekend. Love-lorn, love-dipped, one mentioned how I liked making him laugh, and today he didn't laugh at shit. Well, he did, a couple times, he wasn't trying to. I told him I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac. He laughed at that. And before we started talking and he decided to be a jerk he told me about an article I'd like that he'd send me about the link between depression and creativity, the way it allows an extreme level of focus. I said, One point for my team.
He showed me his scratches again. Next time he does that I'm gonna bite his arm. I asked his cat's name. He said Roxar. I said Roxar Darcy? He nodded. I was actually checking two things with this, did he have to think before claiming the cat's last name was his- girlfriend- and if it sounds like a kid's name. No, and yes. Probably not living with girlfriend, probably has a kid.
Then he showed me his scratches so I leaned as far toward him as I could. They looked like an R and a D. "He's trying to write his initials." I said. "Yeah, he's a creative genius, he gets depressed and then he lashes out and does his best work."
HA! HAHAHAHA.
I'm trying to think now who was a jerk first. Oh yes, that's right, he was.
I was talking about something and he was staring at me looking deliberately bored and I said O-kay. That's boring. And he said, ........ And I said Okay, what should I talk about that's not boring? And he said, What you don't want to talk about. Or what you want to talk about.
Then he asked me what would change my feelings. And I said if my perspective changed about him, or time, distance. He said What if you found out I'm gay? I said, Are you? He said, No. I said, Well then, I don't know if it would help. He said, I would rather have gotten a direct answer than one filtered through another question. I said, Well, I was trying to answer it honestly, and as a hypothetical, I don't honestly know, because I don't believe it. If it's true, that's different. Why did you ask? He said, I was just trying to point out things that could change your feelings. I said. A lot of things could, but, if those things were true, I NORMALLY wouldn't be sitting here talking to you like this, do you know what I mean?
He also said something about the fact that it's good that I'm attracted to him because it's good that I'm attracted to someone who's not x y and z all these typically troubled qualities of people I used to date, and that I'm not looking for those things, but what's not good is that it's not-- and I said, Mutual. And he said, Um, well, I guess it's not mutual in some ways... it's not symmetrical, and then he said I should also want reciprocity. I said: OF COURSE I WANT IT. He said, Oh, yeah, of course you do... ??!?
I missed that at the moment but was he being sarcastic??
Hah, ok, I just wrote him this:
Bam
Wait. Were you being sarcastic when you said "Oh, right, of course you're looking for [reciprocity]..."??? Not very nice, if so, and way off-base at that. If not, well, you know, I'm just trying to carve my initials into your neck. Sorry. I'll go curl back up on the kitchen floor in the square of sunlight now. Warm and fuzzy again. Hey where's that article justifying all this behavior.
Hahahaha. The "Bam" because I'm triggerhappy.
Ugh. And, I don't have another appointment scheduled for this week. I noticed that yesterday, sometimes he changes around the schedule but usually it's straightened out by the beginning of the week. I asked him, how does this happen. He said some stuff. He said rarely some stuff. I said it happens a lot. He said I never cancel them... I said you change them. He said he's not the best scheduler. He said he's cautiously optimistic there will be a cancellation. He said if not, we can schedule one early or late. I said late, please. I said I have class all these mornings (hah not like my class is ever any earlier than his first appointment, I'm sure). He said okay, if there is no cancellation does Thursday eight pm work for you? Yes, that works, I said.
Gracious Mary, I know you hear me, please let all of Julian's patients be healthy and punctual this week, at least through Thursday evening.
Amen
I'm just in a vile, vile, vile mood. It like, can't get worse right now. I've been busy and tired and PMS'd out of my mind, and trying to diet, and Julian-obsessing, and freaking out, and like, I've been such a WRECK about him the last few days, and today he was a JERK.
JERK.
Maybe he's trying to be a jerk so I am no longer interested in him like this.
He was acting bored, and being condescending, and, ugh, I don't know. Yeah. Is that enough? Yeah, insensitive, too. I wrote him e-mails over the weekend. Love-lorn, love-dipped, one mentioned how I liked making him laugh, and today he didn't laugh at shit. Well, he did, a couple times, he wasn't trying to. I told him I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac. He laughed at that. And before we started talking and he decided to be a jerk he told me about an article I'd like that he'd send me about the link between depression and creativity, the way it allows an extreme level of focus. I said, One point for my team.
He showed me his scratches again. Next time he does that I'm gonna bite his arm. I asked his cat's name. He said Roxar. I said Roxar Darcy? He nodded. I was actually checking two things with this, did he have to think before claiming the cat's last name was his- girlfriend- and if it sounds like a kid's name. No, and yes. Probably not living with girlfriend, probably has a kid.
Then he showed me his scratches so I leaned as far toward him as I could. They looked like an R and a D. "He's trying to write his initials." I said. "Yeah, he's a creative genius, he gets depressed and then he lashes out and does his best work."
HA! HAHAHAHA.
I'm trying to think now who was a jerk first. Oh yes, that's right, he was.
I was talking about something and he was staring at me looking deliberately bored and I said O-kay. That's boring. And he said, ........ And I said Okay, what should I talk about that's not boring? And he said, What you don't want to talk about. Or what you want to talk about.
Then he asked me what would change my feelings. And I said if my perspective changed about him, or time, distance. He said What if you found out I'm gay? I said, Are you? He said, No. I said, Well then, I don't know if it would help. He said, I would rather have gotten a direct answer than one filtered through another question. I said, Well, I was trying to answer it honestly, and as a hypothetical, I don't honestly know, because I don't believe it. If it's true, that's different. Why did you ask? He said, I was just trying to point out things that could change your feelings. I said. A lot of things could, but, if those things were true, I NORMALLY wouldn't be sitting here talking to you like this, do you know what I mean?
He also said something about the fact that it's good that I'm attracted to him because it's good that I'm attracted to someone who's not x y and z all these typically troubled qualities of people I used to date, and that I'm not looking for those things, but what's not good is that it's not-- and I said, Mutual. And he said, Um, well, I guess it's not mutual in some ways... it's not symmetrical, and then he said I should also want reciprocity. I said: OF COURSE I WANT IT. He said, Oh, yeah, of course you do... ??!?
I missed that at the moment but was he being sarcastic??
Hah, ok, I just wrote him this:
Bam
Wait. Were you being sarcastic when you said "Oh, right, of course you're looking for [reciprocity]..."??? Not very nice, if so, and way off-base at that. If not, well, you know, I'm just trying to carve my initials into your neck. Sorry. I'll go curl back up on the kitchen floor in the square of sunlight now. Warm and fuzzy again. Hey where's that article justifying all this behavior.
Hahahaha. The "Bam" because I'm triggerhappy.
Ugh. And, I don't have another appointment scheduled for this week. I noticed that yesterday, sometimes he changes around the schedule but usually it's straightened out by the beginning of the week. I asked him, how does this happen. He said some stuff. He said rarely some stuff. I said it happens a lot. He said I never cancel them... I said you change them. He said he's not the best scheduler. He said he's cautiously optimistic there will be a cancellation. He said if not, we can schedule one early or late. I said late, please. I said I have class all these mornings (hah not like my class is ever any earlier than his first appointment, I'm sure). He said okay, if there is no cancellation does Thursday eight pm work for you? Yes, that works, I said.
Gracious Mary, I know you hear me, please let all of Julian's patients be healthy and punctual this week, at least through Thursday evening.
Amen
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
TYSON'S MCNUGGETS
I say this because I didn't totally chicken out!!! YES, I sat there, silent and staring and stammering, literally-- I....... just...... have..... trouble..... because, I, I ha-ave trouble because----- for the last 20 minutes of my session. Julian was laughing at me, softly, cutely, I was laughing at me, I told him the cat had my tongue and I could do nothing but circumscribe the issue. He said things like, why don't you try observing the thoughts to see what comes up, and express them, like free association? I said no I'm very aware of the thoughts... He said So, self-censorship? Why? And then I went: Uhmmmmm.... Why....... Why. Beeeeee-cauuuuse..... And he went, well it might prevent you from fully being here, and I said, I've been self-censoring for a while and, I don't think it's inhibited too much! And he was like, what would help you feel more comfortable expressing... your thoughts? And I said, hiding behind a monitor? And he said what would help you here? What would help me there??? What would??? Should I know the answer to that? It was so obvious... He's so handsome... Looking at him, makes my body burn and freeze and pulse... I wrote him this whole long letter last night... I gave him my CD. I gave him my CD. OMFG I can't. OMFG I can't.
Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.
So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...
So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...
So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???
Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.
So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...
So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...
So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???
Friday, February 12, 2010
Well, here goes something.
So, I had a busy week.. Still to come, tonight I'll probably play at, let's just call it the Twilight Room, Eamonn's little joint. Whatever. Unless I'm really too exhausted... But I have to dump my laundry, write a bunch of letters, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse...
My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.
I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.
One thing I did do:
Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.
S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'
Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.
S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'
Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...
S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'
Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.
S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'
J: Ahhh...
S: No, you can't, because no normal-
J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?
S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...
J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?
S: Oh my god, YES!
-----------------------------------------
Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.
And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.
I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...
Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?
My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.
I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.
One thing I did do:
Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.
S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'
Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.
S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'
Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...
S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'
Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.
S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'
J: Ahhh...
S: No, you can't, because no normal-
J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?
S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...
J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?
S: Oh my god, YES!
-----------------------------------------
Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.
And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.
I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...
Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Love and Longterm Planning
Love you all... Yes, I got my book back. Finally. And I'm not drinking... And Julian is evermore beautiful and today I had so much fun talking to him and he sent me this article he thought I'd like and I wanna tell you all about it, but I have class in the morning again, I have homework, I had psychology class tonight that was a joke and 3 hours, and I have to go to bed!!! Just enough food left for Madeline and none for me. Oh well. Sleep first.
Love and lust and like and loathe,
Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can
Love and lust and like and loathe,
Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can
Friday, February 5, 2010
Nervous...
For tonight... It's nothing SCAR-LET I know. It'll be a session. A J-Date. Hah! That made me laugh. OK. No biggie.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Ceci N'est Pas Un Blog
I am not blogging right now. I am so f'in' tired (I know--Wolf! Wolf, wolf wolf!) that I'm grossed out by the computer and the lamp; I've finally exhausted myself to the point where I can just Go To Sleep, for f's sake, and Madeline's acting like a lunatic and it's so irritating I'm feeling like a lunatic myself. I still had to laugh though, she was autistically scratching at a paper bag and dashing back and forth to finally end up suspended pretty much upside down from the couch. One of my neighbors I never spoke to before stopped me walking out and got me a booking at this swanky place downtown, he's been hearing me play, I had no idea I was audible, for some reason... of course I am. I figured it was a load of crap because he told me I should sing for this, and that, and commercials, so I could make money?? and I was like, well yeah, but... that's kind of hard to get into... and I don't know any of those people. But I gave him a CD and met the manager (who I've heard of a bunch and awesome) and have one coming up, and I'm actually gonna ask J if there's something I can take because I never get stagefright but I think I'll be so nervous I choke. Quite in contrast with the other neighbor. Never dealt with that.
I had a date with Julian today (joke, I'm not actually insane yet ), and it was amazing. I am, not to be mundane, madly in love with him. GOD-DAMN am I in love with him. He got out these comic strips people have cut out for him (patients? I got jealous, just now. Why didn't I think of that?? That's cute and unassuming. But no, too forward for me. I can't make a move yet. God I sound like an ass...) when I was telling him Madeline was being a nightmare lately and he said he thought of me, and, oh man, I'm starting to cry now, what is wrong with me, je-sus. Jesus. And I'm blogging. I have to cut it out.
Love and lunacy,
Scarlet O'Dreamtime
I had a date with Julian today (joke, I'm not actually insane yet ), and it was amazing. I am, not to be mundane, madly in love with him. GOD-DAMN am I in love with him. He got out these comic strips people have cut out for him (patients? I got jealous, just now. Why didn't I think of that?? That's cute and unassuming. But no, too forward for me. I can't make a move yet. God I sound like an ass...) when I was telling him Madeline was being a nightmare lately and he said he thought of me, and, oh man, I'm starting to cry now, what is wrong with me, je-sus. Jesus. And I'm blogging. I have to cut it out.
Love and lunacy,
Scarlet O'Dreamtime
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Act II
Maybe this is Act II of this drama, maybe finally, after being stuck on Act I of Scarlet on the Couch.
And it blows.
I don't think he likes me anymore, like that, I don't think it'll ever happen, I can't see it anymore, and it's raining, I can't see through the rain again, I think it's just therapist-patient now, for him, and consequently for me too, because in love there are no one-way streets. Maybe it's healthy, the way it's moved on, maybe he decided to take it there, and maybe it's a good thing, but I don't know, because right now I'm just so mad, and I'm crying, and I'm mad at him, and he knows it, and yeah, he got me emotional, but not for the right reasons, and no, it's not because I don't think he likes me anymore.
He interrupted me. He let me talk and talk and I don't think he was interested, and I wasn't particularly interested either, about my mom's death, and the aftermath, and then he interrupted me mid-sentence, because the time was out, and I burst into tears, and he said, What, what is it, and I said, I don't know it was just being stopped in the middle, and he said, I'm sorry, I should've said something sooner but I didn't want to interrupt, and he said, It felt like, it was easy for you to say a lot of that, and then there was this emotion, and it caught me off-guard, but I had to...
"Before I stopped?"
"Yes-"
"Really?"
"Yes,"
"What was it, what was I saying?"
"Something about your dad's wife?"
"His house, I said it was his house."
"Oh. What was the emotion?"
"No idea... Wasn't that boring?"
"...It's my job..."
WOW. "Heh." Burst sobbing again, a bit.
"We can take a minute... to wind down..."
"I feel self-conscious."
"Why do you feel self-conscious?"
"I don't know how long it'll take me to wind down..." Julian laughed.
I got up and walked to the door, as he asked, so all set for... I said, Thursday. No, not Thursday, he said, Friday, do you want me to give you a card? I probably have a card somewhere, I said and made another step to the door, and he was already scribbling it down on a card. He handed it to me. I looked at him for a sec, then walked out.
I opened the door myself.
And it blows.
I don't think he likes me anymore, like that, I don't think it'll ever happen, I can't see it anymore, and it's raining, I can't see through the rain again, I think it's just therapist-patient now, for him, and consequently for me too, because in love there are no one-way streets. Maybe it's healthy, the way it's moved on, maybe he decided to take it there, and maybe it's a good thing, but I don't know, because right now I'm just so mad, and I'm crying, and I'm mad at him, and he knows it, and yeah, he got me emotional, but not for the right reasons, and no, it's not because I don't think he likes me anymore.
He interrupted me. He let me talk and talk and I don't think he was interested, and I wasn't particularly interested either, about my mom's death, and the aftermath, and then he interrupted me mid-sentence, because the time was out, and I burst into tears, and he said, What, what is it, and I said, I don't know it was just being stopped in the middle, and he said, I'm sorry, I should've said something sooner but I didn't want to interrupt, and he said, It felt like, it was easy for you to say a lot of that, and then there was this emotion, and it caught me off-guard, but I had to...
"Before I stopped?"
"Yes-"
"Really?"
"Yes,"
"What was it, what was I saying?"
"Something about your dad's wife?"
"His house, I said it was his house."
"Oh. What was the emotion?"
"No idea... Wasn't that boring?"
"...It's my job..."
WOW. "Heh." Burst sobbing again, a bit.
"We can take a minute... to wind down..."
"I feel self-conscious."
"Why do you feel self-conscious?"
"I don't know how long it'll take me to wind down..." Julian laughed.
I got up and walked to the door, as he asked, so all set for... I said, Thursday. No, not Thursday, he said, Friday, do you want me to give you a card? I probably have a card somewhere, I said and made another step to the door, and he was already scribbling it down on a card. He handed it to me. I looked at him for a sec, then walked out.
I opened the door myself.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Psychic and the Psychologist
Yesterday, I didn't get to touch him.
But I brought up the psychic thing. We were talking about my mom... I was, I mean. He was silent mostly and I laid on the couch looking up not at him and I just let all sorts of things spill out, viscera floorwards, but poetic, wistful, funny... He was kind of mesmerized... I turned around at one point and he was watching and I said What??? And he said What?? And I said, You were... looking at me like I just came crashing into your office from the moon... and he said, Oh, no, not at all...
And then I said... I know you don't believe in them. But I do and I take some comfort in... communication with... spirits... Like my dreams about her... But they're never...
"So, you enjoy these dreams that you feel are- you enjoy communicating with your mother?"
"Well, no, because they've never been good." I looked at him. "It's always like I'm panicked, I'm asking myself, what the fuck happened, didn't she die?? When was that? Did I tell everyone she was dead? Like, she's often not there, but her presence is there, but it's, it's dread, I'm in the basement of my old house and there are canvases everywhere, and they're charred..." I sat up and hugged my knees. "And then there was one where she was sitting on, we had this big yard you know, with a, a patio, and she was sitting on the patio with her feet on the grass in a nightgown and, she said, Don't you know? Don't you know I'm dead? Touch my face," and I put my hand on my cheek, "See how it's cold?" Julian kind of nodded, slowly.
"I knoooow, they're just manifestations of my own uncertainties, my emotions, constructions of my mind, right, yes, and all that shit. I know." He didn't say anything.
"Whatever they are, explained or unexplained. Magic is just a matter of semantics. I'm sure I sound like every walk-in wacko. But. So it goes." I laughed. I wasn't looking at him.
"I have predictive dreams too." I looked at him and half-smiled. "Crazy, right?"
He half-smiled.
But I brought up the psychic thing. We were talking about my mom... I was, I mean. He was silent mostly and I laid on the couch looking up not at him and I just let all sorts of things spill out, viscera floorwards, but poetic, wistful, funny... He was kind of mesmerized... I turned around at one point and he was watching and I said What??? And he said What?? And I said, You were... looking at me like I just came crashing into your office from the moon... and he said, Oh, no, not at all...
And then I said... I know you don't believe in them. But I do and I take some comfort in... communication with... spirits... Like my dreams about her... But they're never...
"So, you enjoy these dreams that you feel are- you enjoy communicating with your mother?"
"Well, no, because they've never been good." I looked at him. "It's always like I'm panicked, I'm asking myself, what the fuck happened, didn't she die?? When was that? Did I tell everyone she was dead? Like, she's often not there, but her presence is there, but it's, it's dread, I'm in the basement of my old house and there are canvases everywhere, and they're charred..." I sat up and hugged my knees. "And then there was one where she was sitting on, we had this big yard you know, with a, a patio, and she was sitting on the patio with her feet on the grass in a nightgown and, she said, Don't you know? Don't you know I'm dead? Touch my face," and I put my hand on my cheek, "See how it's cold?" Julian kind of nodded, slowly.
"I knoooow, they're just manifestations of my own uncertainties, my emotions, constructions of my mind, right, yes, and all that shit. I know." He didn't say anything.
"Whatever they are, explained or unexplained. Magic is just a matter of semantics. I'm sure I sound like every walk-in wacko. But. So it goes." I laughed. I wasn't looking at him.
"I have predictive dreams too." I looked at him and half-smiled. "Crazy, right?"
He half-smiled.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Goal for the Day:
So, Sleepless Scarlet is up at it again, or rather still up, though I tried to rest for an hour, in the yoga position that Julian "put me into" the other day, btw, during those 5 minutes in his office when I came in at the wrong time, by asking me to lie down a certain way and close my eyes, and gingerly sliding a pillow under one knee without touching me at all-- "pick up your knee," and he slid the pillow under, and then handed me the other one, and "now put this one under your other knee..." My eyes closed the whole time. Steamy stuff. :-/
Which brings me to today's goal. Which serves multiple goals really, and is not just a manipulation, though in many ways it could seem like such... I want to TOUCH J. I want to ask him if I can touch his hand. Because:
A) I want to TOUCH J. ...and...
B) I want to see if I can read him at all... because
1) I actually AM kinda psychic, maybe, not like big-time but in a parlor-trick psychic way and sure he'll never believe that and neither will you or even I sometimes, but I do get senses about people, intuition maybe, maybe just more intense when I touch them because I'm reading body language or whatever, but when I touch people I do get sort of flashes of things, that just pop into my head... I started noticing it more recently working at the club because I touch so many goddamn people, and I can just see things, like their strengths, their mood, things about their background, what's on their mind... It sounds hokey but I'm good to the point where people call me psychic at the club all the time, customers, and they'll challenge me, and I'm right an awful lot of the time... but whatever it is, I want to read J, psychically, and then, more carnie-style gypsy psychic-style, so,
2) I can read his reactions to things I say. Like, if I feel something, and say I feel it, his response will be telling in and of itself. Now, this is basic gypsy trickery, and I'm sure he's onto it, but I also believe in my genuine ability to read, and, either way, I wanna. I WANNA!
So, how to go about this, when I'll be strolling in there, headthrobbed and sleepless? I don't know. I don't want to plan it out. I just wanna.
Did good again last night. Real good, and it was a terrible night. Yeah I'm a sex-bomb but my shoes are almost BROKEN and I need new ones stat, so my dancing is CAUTIOUS hahaha... Psychic parlor tricks, perhaps? I spoke a man's language to him before he spoke a word, I made a joke about Wagner's Ring Trilogy to another because I knew he wanted to go to that opera, and these guys were non-DESCRIPT mf's and I mean that's pretty obscure stuff; got a bunch of dances from both of them. Guessed another guy's last name and hometown. Whatever. I don't even know what it is. Just saying. I did really well on the Zener Test. Just sayin.'
Try for yourself.
Which brings me to today's goal. Which serves multiple goals really, and is not just a manipulation, though in many ways it could seem like such... I want to TOUCH J. I want to ask him if I can touch his hand. Because:
A) I want to TOUCH J. ...and...
B) I want to see if I can read him at all... because
1) I actually AM kinda psychic, maybe, not like big-time but in a parlor-trick psychic way and sure he'll never believe that and neither will you or even I sometimes, but I do get senses about people, intuition maybe, maybe just more intense when I touch them because I'm reading body language or whatever, but when I touch people I do get sort of flashes of things, that just pop into my head... I started noticing it more recently working at the club because I touch so many goddamn people, and I can just see things, like their strengths, their mood, things about their background, what's on their mind... It sounds hokey but I'm good to the point where people call me psychic at the club all the time, customers, and they'll challenge me, and I'm right an awful lot of the time... but whatever it is, I want to read J, psychically, and then, more carnie-style gypsy psychic-style, so,
2) I can read his reactions to things I say. Like, if I feel something, and say I feel it, his response will be telling in and of itself. Now, this is basic gypsy trickery, and I'm sure he's onto it, but I also believe in my genuine ability to read, and, either way, I wanna. I WANNA!
So, how to go about this, when I'll be strolling in there, headthrobbed and sleepless? I don't know. I don't want to plan it out. I just wanna.
Did good again last night. Real good, and it was a terrible night. Yeah I'm a sex-bomb but my shoes are almost BROKEN and I need new ones stat, so my dancing is CAUTIOUS hahaha... Psychic parlor tricks, perhaps? I spoke a man's language to him before he spoke a word, I made a joke about Wagner's Ring Trilogy to another because I knew he wanted to go to that opera, and these guys were non-DESCRIPT mf's and I mean that's pretty obscure stuff; got a bunch of dances from both of them. Guessed another guy's last name and hometown. Whatever. I don't even know what it is. Just saying. I did really well on the Zener Test. Just sayin.'
Try for yourself.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Politics and the Divided Self:
And now a word from the pundits on the left:
But it's not all in her head. There are a few things that happened, that are fact, that are irreducible, that are not just her interpretation. Like, a few weeks ago, when this is all started, (not my infatuation with J, which predates all this by 3 months, but when things got weird) we were talking about, something, toward the end of a session, he started acting really irritable, and short with me, and he stopped making eye contact with me and he told me time was up really abruptly, no "Last thoughts?" and something vague about a call he had to make, and he gave me my appointment card, pretty much dropped the thing into my hand and recoiled, and when I stood there, dumbfounded, looking at the card, he stared up at me and said, "Whatever it is can WAIT."
See, I didn't move because I've never even touched that door. He opens it every single time. Every time. He's a gentleman, it's a common courtesy, and sitting at his desk while I left was just SO off... So I was just, standing there like an idiot, and then mumbled "Sorry" and started backing out and he looked back down at his desk and didn't say Bye or anything... And then the next session, which wasn't for a week because Dan took me to Miami, well the next session he was just, harsh. He almost made me cry I felt so uncomfortable. He attacked and picked apart things I said, he didn't smile once, he snapped at me for touching a shelf or having my feet up which are things I always do and go without notice... That was when I started this blog. He hasn't been that way since, thank Christ.
And the Right:
She has a pretty powerful imagination. The "facts" don't exist here, they don't even belong, they have no place in this setting, a therapist's office, or rather, the recollection of a therapist's office as seen through the eyes of a lonely, romantic, oversexed, highly imaginative but emotionally adolescent 24-year old singer/writer/stripper. The ultimate taboo, what a juicy premise for a late-night fantasy or a confessional blog, maybe? Even if there were an attraction or even a flirtation it would likely be subconscious and therefore not a flirtation at all, but just the natural behavior people who are of fond of each other, on any level, who have a connection. Verdict: This isn't Hollywood, kids.
And center: Ugh! That's enough out of the two of you! Shout out to John, thanks for commenting, and thanks for caring :-) It isn't Hollywood, so what other outcome could there have been than this, anti-climactic, aimless denouement...?
Love, Left, Right, and Center,
Scarlet-O
But it's not all in her head. There are a few things that happened, that are fact, that are irreducible, that are not just her interpretation. Like, a few weeks ago, when this is all started, (not my infatuation with J, which predates all this by 3 months, but when things got weird) we were talking about, something, toward the end of a session, he started acting really irritable, and short with me, and he stopped making eye contact with me and he told me time was up really abruptly, no "Last thoughts?" and something vague about a call he had to make, and he gave me my appointment card, pretty much dropped the thing into my hand and recoiled, and when I stood there, dumbfounded, looking at the card, he stared up at me and said, "Whatever it is can WAIT."
See, I didn't move because I've never even touched that door. He opens it every single time. Every time. He's a gentleman, it's a common courtesy, and sitting at his desk while I left was just SO off... So I was just, standing there like an idiot, and then mumbled "Sorry" and started backing out and he looked back down at his desk and didn't say Bye or anything... And then the next session, which wasn't for a week because Dan took me to Miami, well the next session he was just, harsh. He almost made me cry I felt so uncomfortable. He attacked and picked apart things I said, he didn't smile once, he snapped at me for touching a shelf or having my feet up which are things I always do and go without notice... That was when I started this blog. He hasn't been that way since, thank Christ.
And the Right:
She has a pretty powerful imagination. The "facts" don't exist here, they don't even belong, they have no place in this setting, a therapist's office, or rather, the recollection of a therapist's office as seen through the eyes of a lonely, romantic, oversexed, highly imaginative but emotionally adolescent 24-year old singer/writer/stripper. The ultimate taboo, what a juicy premise for a late-night fantasy or a confessional blog, maybe? Even if there were an attraction or even a flirtation it would likely be subconscious and therefore not a flirtation at all, but just the natural behavior people who are of fond of each other, on any level, who have a connection. Verdict: This isn't Hollywood, kids.
And center: Ugh! That's enough out of the two of you! Shout out to John, thanks for commenting, and thanks for caring :-) It isn't Hollywood, so what other outcome could there have been than this, anti-climactic, aimless denouement...?
Love, Left, Right, and Center,
Scarlet-O
Ode to the Art of Holding Horses--
Whoooooaa, Girl!
I used to ride 'em, too. Disgraceful.
Okay, I won't delete my last post because that would be cheating, censorship and denial, but I'm gonna take it easy with the trigger-happy temper-tantrum trash-talk from now on... If I'm a jackass, I'm a jackass, but Julian is not, and really, he's done nothing wrong in any way, hell, I don't even know if he's ever been flirtatious at this point, I don't know if this has all just been in my head...
That being said, the HeadSpin on today is that... Oh god it feels deluded to even suggest, but...
Okay, okay, first the No Spin Zone Play-by-Play. Well I came back in feeling lethal and hollow. I sat down and after the five-minute warmup routine he asked if I had anything else on my mind and if not then, okay, and I stopped fidgeting and crossed my legs and put my hands in my lap and looked straight at him with my own impenetrable pokerface, the kind I can only manage when the stakes are high, prepared to be utterly unmoved, and okay then, he was "just thinking about talking last week and-- wondering if maybe sometimes I give the impression that, well, like about the movie for example--"
YES? Bring it already, goddamnit!
"I don't want to underplay the effect past experiences and upbringing could have, because, it seems they might weigh quite heavily on you, and we hardly discuss them, it's almost conspicuously absent..."
Zoink??? Okay... Well, the pokerface was still a good bet (when's it not?) and thanks to J's penchance for polysyllabic English, and the slow, deliberate way he articulates, I made a full recovery by the time I had to respond (though I wonder if the gratitude and relief were hidden entirely.)
So, anyway, we ended up talking about my family and stuff, which I'll avoid here too, for as long as I can, though if the lien on personal photos is any indication... I just don't wanna nail too many people to the cross here... But, yeah, it was just Julian being beautiful Julian, and I can't complain about that.
But okay, it really felt deliberate. I know how bananas that sounds... but it did, that ambiguous lead-in, the announcement of the pending Big Question (again!), the suspense, the phrasing- concerned about giving off an impression? It's just that, Julian IS.CALCULATED. He is. This is what he does, he is a clinical psychologist, and he's psycho-smart, and there is not a snowflake's chance in hell he's unaware I have a mean, steamy hard-on for him, and okay, I'm gonna stop. Maybe he's just trying to bring things to a balance...
I used to ride 'em, too. Disgraceful.
Okay, I won't delete my last post because that would be cheating, censorship and denial, but I'm gonna take it easy with the trigger-happy temper-tantrum trash-talk from now on... If I'm a jackass, I'm a jackass, but Julian is not, and really, he's done nothing wrong in any way, hell, I don't even know if he's ever been flirtatious at this point, I don't know if this has all just been in my head...
That being said, the HeadSpin on today is that... Oh god it feels deluded to even suggest, but...
Okay, okay, first the No Spin Zone Play-by-Play. Well I came back in feeling lethal and hollow. I sat down and after the five-minute warmup routine he asked if I had anything else on my mind and if not then, okay, and I stopped fidgeting and crossed my legs and put my hands in my lap and looked straight at him with my own impenetrable pokerface, the kind I can only manage when the stakes are high, prepared to be utterly unmoved, and okay then, he was "just thinking about talking last week and-- wondering if maybe sometimes I give the impression that, well, like about the movie for example--"
YES? Bring it already, goddamnit!
"I don't want to underplay the effect past experiences and upbringing could have, because, it seems they might weigh quite heavily on you, and we hardly discuss them, it's almost conspicuously absent..."
Zoink??? Okay... Well, the pokerface was still a good bet (when's it not?) and thanks to J's penchance for polysyllabic English, and the slow, deliberate way he articulates, I made a full recovery by the time I had to respond (though I wonder if the gratitude and relief were hidden entirely.)
So, anyway, we ended up talking about my family and stuff, which I'll avoid here too, for as long as I can, though if the lien on personal photos is any indication... I just don't wanna nail too many people to the cross here... But, yeah, it was just Julian being beautiful Julian, and I can't complain about that.
But okay, it really felt deliberate. I know how bananas that sounds... but it did, that ambiguous lead-in, the announcement of the pending Big Question (again!), the suspense, the phrasing- concerned about giving off an impression? It's just that, Julian IS.CALCULATED. He is. This is what he does, he is a clinical psychologist, and he's psycho-smart, and there is not a snowflake's chance in hell he's unaware I have a mean, steamy hard-on for him, and okay, I'm gonna stop. Maybe he's just trying to bring things to a balance...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Twilight.
So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, good-bye.
The sun has gone to bed and so must I.
It's bittersweet, the color of my heart.
Today was, it was beautiful. I didn't wear any makeup. J was relaxed and composed, and so was I, save for moments, a few self-conscious pauses, subtle challenges. We just talked today, for forty-five minutes, like people, like a man and a woman. I wasn't Lolita. But... it was flirting, in its own way, as Julian told me about himself, parts of the story of his life, his career, his impressive, dazzling, laudable career. He let go. Not bragging, but consciously impressing, and it was just the truth, and it was fascinating and it was funny. And I didn't play myself as hysterical, and I was funny too, and I was challenging. And we debated, back and forth, and when I gave him an off-hand compliment-- "because you're talented"-- I saw a glimmer of self-consciousness.
I asked if he is a total atheist. He thought his answer aloud, and then he asked me, and I thought out loud to him, too. We talked about science, and yoga, and spirituality, and writers, and I could tell, he was talking to me as an equal. And thinking about that now kind of blows my mind, but in the moment, I was just, right there with him.
With beautiful, beautiful, blinding Julian Darcy, who quoted my writing as he held open the door for me at twilight, my whimsying-heartbroke and made-up words.
The sun has gone to bed and so must I.
It's bittersweet, the color of my heart.
Today was, it was beautiful. I didn't wear any makeup. J was relaxed and composed, and so was I, save for moments, a few self-conscious pauses, subtle challenges. We just talked today, for forty-five minutes, like people, like a man and a woman. I wasn't Lolita. But... it was flirting, in its own way, as Julian told me about himself, parts of the story of his life, his career, his impressive, dazzling, laudable career. He let go. Not bragging, but consciously impressing, and it was just the truth, and it was fascinating and it was funny. And I didn't play myself as hysterical, and I was funny too, and I was challenging. And we debated, back and forth, and when I gave him an off-hand compliment-- "because you're talented"-- I saw a glimmer of self-consciousness.
I asked if he is a total atheist. He thought his answer aloud, and then he asked me, and I thought out loud to him, too. We talked about science, and yoga, and spirituality, and writers, and I could tell, he was talking to me as an equal. And thinking about that now kind of blows my mind, but in the moment, I was just, right there with him.
With beautiful, beautiful, blinding Julian Darcy, who quoted my writing as he held open the door for me at twilight, my whimsying-heartbroke and made-up words.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
A Knock on the Door
I'm not feelin' too hot today.
Exchange with Julian this morning, e-mailed me to set up next week's schedule in advance. I'd like to say that he's never done that before. He hasn't. But does that mean anything? Did any of any of this mean anything? I feel like a fool. I responded with a couple paragraphs of slick Joycean prose and glib gratitude for letting me know about my makeup. He's probably married. Fuck it all.
There was a knock on my door this afternoon... I hate that, had some bad experiences with stalkers and things... I wasn't dressed and looked through the peephole and it was a neighbor I've seen like twice who FB'd me. He had a Christmas card and he just slid it through the peephole when I opened it, smiling. He said "It's okay, I know it's a weird neighborhood... I just saw your FB post a while ago and wanted to know if you're doing better..." I was so moved...
Exchange with Julian this morning, e-mailed me to set up next week's schedule in advance. I'd like to say that he's never done that before. He hasn't. But does that mean anything? Did any of any of this mean anything? I feel like a fool. I responded with a couple paragraphs of slick Joycean prose and glib gratitude for letting me know about my makeup. He's probably married. Fuck it all.
There was a knock on my door this afternoon... I hate that, had some bad experiences with stalkers and things... I wasn't dressed and looked through the peephole and it was a neighbor I've seen like twice who FB'd me. He had a Christmas card and he just slid it through the peephole when I opened it, smiling. He said "It's okay, I know it's a weird neighborhood... I just saw your FB post a while ago and wanted to know if you're doing better..." I was so moved...
Ohhhh yea. Ohhhh yea. Uhhhh-huh.
I'm exhausted. I'm drained.
If I wrote this hours ago, if I wrote this entry this evening, when I got home, and not after midnight after being talked down from the clouds by Elena, back into the stratosphere, I'd sound different... In fact, I think I wouldn'tve been able to write at all...
I left Julian's office today shaking. Elated, scared, crying, I couldn't even listen to music or drive to school, but I didn't know what else to do, so I drove to school, and got lost even though Julian's office and school and my house are within 5 minutes of each other. And I kept calling Elena because I was losing it but she wasn't picking up. I got to counseling and they had some issues with registration for one of my classes and I started shaking again, near tears, like, "I can't... I can't do this... I can't... FIND THIS CRAP RIGHT NOW!" And then, I had to semi-break up with a guy-who-thinks- thought-he-is-was-my-boyfriend, and then Elena called while he was over, and I was like, "Hey Dan it's Elena I really have to talk to her!!!" and let him walk out without saying good-bye and he gave me the dirtiest look and he was totally gob-smacked crestfallen and I am SUCH an asshole and this is why.
I woke up really early and I couldn't get back to sleep and my phone was just inexplicably dead, like CONKED, so I just got up and went and bought it a new battery and a new vocal mic for my music and some other crap and a Starbucks and then I got home with still like a good 5 hours before Julian, 5 hours in an leaky hourglass.
I knew what I wanted to talk to him about, kinda, I had questions planned out, and ideas, like I always do, and I wanted to record something with the new mic but planning my outfit became an operatic event. And I wanted to walk to Julian's and then school to get my daily 5 miles in (I'm kind of obsessed with my legs... they're naturally kinda muscular and always were when I was dancing ballet but then I got kinda skinny until I started working at the club again and now I work it out and wear shorts or skirts whenever possible, especially to see certain men... even in the winter... over panty-hose, anyway!) but then Father Time started shaking his sceptre and I was like Ok, Ok, S-O, you're gonna drive it's fine. So I found some really high shorts and panty-hose, and boots, and a top that was both womanly European feminine sophisticated and still with a handsome dip of cleavage, and I got in my little beater and made my way over there, getting whistled at and propositioned, and driving like a maniac, weaving through lanes, beautiful parking karma, made it, made it, made it.
I got in the waiting room and flicked his little light thingy. No noise. Two minutes. Two minutes late. My heart sank and I panicked. I feel like he's been doing that a lot lately. He used to come out 30 seconds after I showed up. I looked at my phone... I found a magazine with a cover story about something I knew he probably read or wanted to read... And then I saw him strolling into his office from the hallway and he waved.
He was dressed a little more casual today, no blazer, he looked a little breathless.
"Sorry I'm late!"
"No, no!"
.....
"How's your kitty doing?" I made sure to ask, so he'd see that I'm not, under normal circumstances, 100% self-absorbed all the time.
"Making progress," his smile lit up the goddamn zip-code.
"Ahhh, are you treating him?" He'd made a joke about his cat having psychological issues... so we joked about that... and then my cat... And then I brought out my opener:
"So... my blow-off list is getting really long... Florida guy wants to-- wanted to come over, I mean-- he IS coming over, and like, I just... I downright can't stand the guy anymore. I mean he's an idiot. Like... How could I not have seen it? He's like, borderline-retarded. I'm just NOT."
"Hey why don't you tell me how you really feel." J jokes. He's made that joke before when I'm ranting about some kangaroo I've been seeing for the free goodies.
And I started to talk about why it was so hard for me to say no to the duderz, not sexually, but like, that no I wasn't interested romantically, even though I wasn't, and being with someone I don't really like makes me really uncomfortable actually, and he got me to admit that I kinda liked the option of having people to pay for stuff, and he said, Okay, fair enough, and I said that sounds awful, that's terrible, and he said (and he quoted verbatim from an e-mail I sent him once about this writer we both like who thinks it's human nature for men to pay for sex) "What happened to 'Thank you, PINKER!'?"
"I know! I don't know... I guess that one year of Sunday school did its thing... Societal norms..."
"Well," he said, and he's starting to give his opinion more and more now, "I think, Buddhistically, sorry, but that maybe it's not Right Practice."
"I know. It's not."
"Did this guy leave yet?"
"No- maybe- I don't know- I was just thinking the same thing-" I pulled out my phone, "Should I just? What do I say?"
And now comes the part where J dictates How to Blow a Guy Off Without Being a Total Asshole about it, as I text. When Dan would respond, I'd show it to J, like a little kid, and he'd advise. And Dan called frantically like 5 times while I was there, and, and...
And then I started talking about being lonely, and Elena not returning my calls, and all the fake conversations at the club and the fact that I don't talk to a soul "except her... and you..." and how all I do all week is listen, listen, smile and laugh and feign interest and "I'm sure you can relate" and then I started crying, which I never do in front of him, but I couldn't help it, and he just said, "I think you're just saying you have to pay a price for solitude..." and then we just looked at each other silently, well, stared, and my heart made its way up my trachea, and I couldn't look at him, and then I looked at him, and he was looking at my legs, and I realized I'd been running my hands up and down them for probably 20 minutes, and my face flushed and he looked back at me and I realized my lips were parted and I caught my breath and looked away and then at him and sort of smiled and then away and then up and down him and then at the floor and his blue eyes were burning through me and it was like probably a whole minute that felt like forever like glorious, glorious, blazing forever.
Then he asked me about the YouTube link he sent me. (Last week, off-hand, at the end of an e-mail about some insurance thing... got me going. Really got me going.)
And then we talked about movies. I told him he has to see Lars and the Real Girl. I found myself describing the whole plot to him and then stopping myself and then he described a whole movie to me, a depressing movie, and then he said, and on that happy note! And, as always,
"Last thoughts?" and then, "I actually had something terribly important to say but I lost it so I guess it will have to wait till next time." Which is what I said a couple sessions back. ("Last thoughts?" "Yeah but... they're not like two-minute thoughts so, no...") And he got up and then he slowly turned back and said, "Well actually I was late so, we have two more minutes."
"Oh. Yes. I need my two minutes."
He sat back down and my phone buzzed again. "Florida guy?"
"Not during my two minutes!" I smacked the phone.
We looked at each other again.
"It's really beautiful outside today." I said.
"It is, I like this kind of weather."
"I get to wear shorts-"
"I've been meaning to say this, since we need to tell each other these things," Julian is saying and time again stood still because before I had time to fucking melt or scream or jump on him-- "Your makeup has run completely afoul."
My hands flew up to my face and I'm sure I was bright, neon, stop-light, fire-truck, sex-doll-mouth, First Aid cross, Coke can fucking RED, stained black (and white all over), "Oh! Oh, wow, yeah-"
"I didn't want you to leave without being aware of that."
FUCK.
And is he FUCKING with me??? Ugh, I'm a wreck. Wreck. He's fucking with me. He's like, really good, and I can't keep up with the innuendos, though I don't let it show too much, but, he's a goddamn psychologist, I'm sure it's obvious, but I like this game. I am game. He rifled through his planner.
"So we're on for Thursday at... noon?"
"Four."
"Four..." He stood up.
"Uh-huh." I stood up.
He stepped over to the door, and I stepped over to the door, and we said "Bye," in unison.
I must have sex with him. Like. Right now. Thursday. UGH. Oh god. And a bunch more shit happened today, but... it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all.
If I wrote this hours ago, if I wrote this entry this evening, when I got home, and not after midnight after being talked down from the clouds by Elena, back into the stratosphere, I'd sound different... In fact, I think I wouldn'tve been able to write at all...
I left Julian's office today shaking. Elated, scared, crying, I couldn't even listen to music or drive to school, but I didn't know what else to do, so I drove to school, and got lost even though Julian's office and school and my house are within 5 minutes of each other. And I kept calling Elena because I was losing it but she wasn't picking up. I got to counseling and they had some issues with registration for one of my classes and I started shaking again, near tears, like, "I can't... I can't do this... I can't... FIND THIS CRAP RIGHT NOW!" And then, I had to semi-break up with a guy-who-
I woke up really early and I couldn't get back to sleep and my phone was just inexplicably dead, like CONKED, so I just got up and went and bought it a new battery and a new vocal mic for my music and some other crap and a Starbucks and then I got home with still like a good 5 hours before Julian, 5 hours in an leaky hourglass.
I knew what I wanted to talk to him about, kinda, I had questions planned out, and ideas, like I always do, and I wanted to record something with the new mic but planning my outfit became an operatic event. And I wanted to walk to Julian's and then school to get my daily 5 miles in (I'm kind of obsessed with my legs... they're naturally kinda muscular and always were when I was dancing ballet but then I got kinda skinny until I started working at the club again and now I work it out and wear shorts or skirts whenever possible, especially to see certain men... even in the winter... over panty-hose, anyway!) but then Father Time started shaking his sceptre and I was like Ok, Ok, S-O, you're gonna drive it's fine. So I found some really high shorts and panty-hose, and boots, and a top that was both womanly European feminine sophisticated and still with a handsome dip of cleavage, and I got in my little beater and made my way over there, getting whistled at and propositioned, and driving like a maniac, weaving through lanes, beautiful parking karma, made it, made it, made it.
I got in the waiting room and flicked his little light thingy. No noise. Two minutes. Two minutes late. My heart sank and I panicked. I feel like he's been doing that a lot lately. He used to come out 30 seconds after I showed up. I looked at my phone... I found a magazine with a cover story about something I knew he probably read or wanted to read... And then I saw him strolling into his office from the hallway and he waved.
He was dressed a little more casual today, no blazer, he looked a little breathless.
"Sorry I'm late!"
"No, no!"
.....
"How's your kitty doing?" I made sure to ask, so he'd see that I'm not, under normal circumstances, 100% self-absorbed all the time.
"Making progress," his smile lit up the goddamn zip-code.
"Ahhh, are you treating him?" He'd made a joke about his cat having psychological issues... so we joked about that... and then my cat... And then I brought out my opener:
"So... my blow-off list is getting really long... Florida guy wants to-- wanted to come over, I mean-- he IS coming over, and like, I just... I downright can't stand the guy anymore. I mean he's an idiot. Like... How could I not have seen it? He's like, borderline-retarded. I'm just NOT."
"Hey why don't you tell me how you really feel." J jokes. He's made that joke before when I'm ranting about some kangaroo I've been seeing for the free goodies.
And I started to talk about why it was so hard for me to say no to the duderz, not sexually, but like, that no I wasn't interested romantically, even though I wasn't, and being with someone I don't really like makes me really uncomfortable actually, and he got me to admit that I kinda liked the option of having people to pay for stuff, and he said, Okay, fair enough, and I said that sounds awful, that's terrible, and he said (and he quoted verbatim from an e-mail I sent him once about this writer we both like who thinks it's human nature for men to pay for sex) "What happened to 'Thank you, PINKER!'?"
"I know! I don't know... I guess that one year of Sunday school did its thing... Societal norms..."
"Well," he said, and he's starting to give his opinion more and more now, "I think, Buddhistically, sorry, but that maybe it's not Right Practice."
"I know. It's not."
"Did this guy leave yet?"
"No- maybe- I don't know- I was just thinking the same thing-" I pulled out my phone, "Should I just? What do I say?"
And now comes the part where J dictates How to Blow a Guy Off Without Being a Total Asshole about it, as I text. When Dan would respond, I'd show it to J, like a little kid, and he'd advise. And Dan called frantically like 5 times while I was there, and, and...
And then I started talking about being lonely, and Elena not returning my calls, and all the fake conversations at the club and the fact that I don't talk to a soul "except her... and you..." and how all I do all week is listen, listen, smile and laugh and feign interest and "I'm sure you can relate" and then I started crying, which I never do in front of him, but I couldn't help it, and he just said, "I think you're just saying you have to pay a price for solitude..." and then we just looked at each other silently, well, stared, and my heart made its way up my trachea, and I couldn't look at him, and then I looked at him, and he was looking at my legs, and I realized I'd been running my hands up and down them for probably 20 minutes, and my face flushed and he looked back at me and I realized my lips were parted and I caught my breath and looked away and then at him and sort of smiled and then away and then up and down him and then at the floor and his blue eyes were burning through me and it was like probably a whole minute that felt like forever like glorious, glorious, blazing forever.
Then he asked me about the YouTube link he sent me. (Last week, off-hand, at the end of an e-mail about some insurance thing... got me going. Really got me going.)
And then we talked about movies. I told him he has to see Lars and the Real Girl. I found myself describing the whole plot to him and then stopping myself and then he described a whole movie to me, a depressing movie, and then he said, and on that happy note! And, as always,
"Last thoughts?" and then, "I actually had something terribly important to say but I lost it so I guess it will have to wait till next time." Which is what I said a couple sessions back. ("Last thoughts?" "Yeah but... they're not like two-minute thoughts so, no...") And he got up and then he slowly turned back and said, "Well actually I was late so, we have two more minutes."
"Oh. Yes. I need my two minutes."
He sat back down and my phone buzzed again. "Florida guy?"
"Not during my two minutes!" I smacked the phone.
We looked at each other again.
"It's really beautiful outside today." I said.
"It is, I like this kind of weather."
"I get to wear shorts-"
"I've been meaning to say this, since we need to tell each other these things," Julian is saying and time again stood still because before I had time to fucking melt or scream or jump on him-- "Your makeup has run completely afoul."
My hands flew up to my face and I'm sure I was bright, neon, stop-light, fire-truck, sex-doll-mouth, First Aid cross, Coke can fucking RED, stained black (and white all over), "Oh! Oh, wow, yeah-"
"I didn't want you to leave without being aware of that."
FUCK.
And is he FUCKING with me??? Ugh, I'm a wreck. Wreck. He's fucking with me. He's like, really good, and I can't keep up with the innuendos, though I don't let it show too much, but, he's a goddamn psychologist, I'm sure it's obvious, but I like this game. I am game. He rifled through his planner.
"So we're on for Thursday at... noon?"
"Four."
"Four..." He stood up.
"Uh-huh." I stood up.
He stepped over to the door, and I stepped over to the door, and we said "Bye," in unison.
I must have sex with him. Like. Right now. Thursday. UGH. Oh god. And a bunch more shit happened today, but... it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Eine Kleine Nachtmusik
I'm an idiot savant, I'm Rainman in heels, I stepped out to the grocery store (Spidey Sense fully operative, always on my side, I didn't lock my apartment) in the darkest hour and came back to find I'd left my keys home. Locked myself out. Left my phone in there too. Well, I thought, whaddya gonna do. Break in. What else?
I climbed over the steel grating (10 ft high) that leads to the courtyard. There was no way to climb up to the third floor, no fire escapes. I circled for windows with their lights on to "M'aidez!" but alas there were none. So I picked the backdoor lock with my eyelash curler and got in.
Now my question is, because I've broken into several of my previous homes as well... Doesn't it take a brain to be capable of B&E? And doesn't it take a hunk of gray matter with no wrinkles, neural plasticity, synapses and all the bells and whistles that make a brain a brain to forget one's keys so many git-durned times?
These stupid things always happen the night before Julian. Julian in just a few hours. Should I tell him this story? Will he see me as more of a sociopath? Or will he be turned on... Oh, God, tell me I turn him on. God, God, God.
OK!
Wish me luck.
I climbed over the steel grating (10 ft high) that leads to the courtyard. There was no way to climb up to the third floor, no fire escapes. I circled for windows with their lights on to "M'aidez!" but alas there were none. So I picked the backdoor lock with my eyelash curler and got in.
Now my question is, because I've broken into several of my previous homes as well... Doesn't it take a brain to be capable of B&E? And doesn't it take a hunk of gray matter with no wrinkles, neural plasticity, synapses and all the bells and whistles that make a brain a brain to forget one's keys so many git-durned times?
These stupid things always happen the night before Julian. Julian in just a few hours. Should I tell him this story? Will he see me as more of a sociopath? Or will he be turned on... Oh, God, tell me I turn him on. God, God, God.
OK!
Wish me luck.
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