Warning: Freeway ends in 15 miles.

Don't worry. Game over. If you can't end it, I can end it. The screen really is broken. I'm fucked up, my heart is broken, it really is your fault, it's not your fault, who cares. Who cares. I don't need you, I don't need anyone, I don't have anyone, I have my books and something to type on and pills to take and a plot to fill somewhere in Pennsyltucky.

I was a nice diversion for you-- you helped me, I'm not saying you didn't, I don't want to be hurtful, though I'm your patient and I can't possibly hurt you because I'm just this little rusted wind-up toy that you can fix or fail to fix, or very easily break if you're careless.

You have all the things you want or need to make a full, perfect life, and sometimes that gets boring doesn't it, and isn't it kinda cool to have the weird girl like you and doesn't it kinda remind you how special you are? And you've taken all the necessary precautions to excuse yourself from any liability. You've said very clearly that you don't want her. Kind of anyway. You're not liable. So you can, enjoy each others company, enjoy her adoration, and the stubborn wishes hiding behind recollections of the preceding days.

Now you're saying you have no feeling, except intellectual connection, and it's a blatant contradiction, but you've been very careful with your words, so you ask me to give you specifics, and I'm at a loss.

And today you brought up my expectation, that if there's an attraction, even if it's mutual-- "which it- which... which I don't think is the case here," it must be acted upon, said it's something that we should look at, thus implying that said expectation is, stems from something unhealthy, could be damaging, is unrealistic. And I understand that you are married, and have a family, and have probably felt attracted and connected with other people (though I know, not in this case) before and it has been mutual and though you would never act on it you could both appreciate it for what it was, and see the value and the beauty in just that. You have about twelve personalities after all, I'm sure some of them relate to different people.

But, I am not. And for me, to be, as you say, infatuated, with someone for, what is it now, October November December January February March April and, get in line, May, the better part of a year, is different than a little diversion is for you. And I am not calling our relationship a little diversion, and I know it's not just that to you, and I know that you genuinely care, but on some level, that's what it is. Right?

Though I can appreciate it as that. I can see the value and the beauty in it. I can. It's just that right now, it ISN'T that. To me. Right now. And you know it.

And then you compare my feelings for you, to your feelings for this woman, that you were going to MARRY, that left you for the wrong reasons... Right? It's just a strange comparison to make, in light of the situation. It's just not the comparison, not the comparison that would paint my position into the corner it's in. It's not the comparison about being infatuated, not in love, but infatuated, with someone who never had any interest in you, with whom you ultimately fostered a healthy, platonic, mutually beneficial and beautiful non-physical relationship. THAT would be the appropriate comparison. Wouldn't it. Not the love of your life. That you never spoke to again. Which makes me think that maybe you just wanted to talk about it with someone who would understand. And I'm honored to be that person to you. And maybe I'm just reading way too much into it, but you're casting yourself as the person who left for the wrong reasons. Telling someone about a broken heart is one very good way to secure your place in theirs.

So it makes me think, you want to be here, you want to be here for me, you want to help me, you know I have to get over you, you don't really know how to facilitate that beyond what you've said already, so though you're aware on some level that you're just drawing me in, you can't stop it, and you are just waiting for me to reach my breaking point and leave, and maybe come back, and maybe not, and I'm drawing you in too, but you like it, and you're sick of it, but you like seeing me, and you're just not really doing anything and you are busy and busier and the more stressed you are the more your mind wanders to a ranch in Arizona or a spaceship cruising through the stratosphere, or being a priest like you thought about when you were a little kid. Or all the fantasies and follies you could have fostered (by the way I'm sure your writing would have been really good, if you tried it, somewhere other than your psychology papers) and all the doors you've had to shut as you merged into different lanes, down different highways, speeding here, gridlocked there, too pressed for time and concerned over the squabbling in the backseat to pause and listen to the radio and look out the window and see that the clouds are casting giant glorious shadows over the yellow yellow grass stretched before you heading North, into the mountains, that road stretches endlessly you know, it stretches up latitudes into farms, slopes, Bay area freaks, the Yakima valley, Washington wineries, places where it always rains, places where there's always sun, 22 hours a day in the summer, places made of snow, places so beautiful they'll make you cry before you die freezing, jawdropped forever, marveling at the world God made for us to live in. You can't just take off and head up there now can you.

I can though. And I will. And I'll be on that road alone one of these days, radio on, no one squabbling in the backseat. I'll tell you how it is.

I'll write you all about it.

Love

S

Dr. Freud, your slip is showing.*

(*I borrowed this title from Gaby's genius blog. Sorry thanks Gaby!!!)

7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.

Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?

So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?

Could you be more specific?

Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.

He said nothing.

I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.

He was looking away.

I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.

He nodded.

If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.

I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.

Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--

You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--

The only reason I said it was a dumb--

But I wanted to know because--

Oh, sorry, go ahead--

No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.

No, go ahead.

I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--

Oh! Well, okay!

What?

So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?

I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...

Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-

Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.

Why-

And you never take ME at face value.

What do you mean?

I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...

That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.

I cracked a smile.

I took a deep breath and sat back down.

He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.

I mouthed, Yes.

And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...

I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.

And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.

He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.

I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.

And I don't wish that on you either.

.............................................................................????

Why would you? I said.

I don't know...

When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--

He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.

I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"

He called me back an hour later.

He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--

No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?

Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...

Dr. Freud your slip is showing.

I would LOVE some cheese with my whine, preferably Havarti. Thanks much.

Okay. It's clear. It's really clear, that nobody wants to hear about this. Anymore, or for the first time, or at all. There are exceptions. But generally-- I've been met with negative reactions.

I don't care what this means.

I'm not looking for advice.

I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.

So that's it.

Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.

One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.



I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.



ANYWAY.



After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.



WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...



??



Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.



But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."



Sigh.



Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.



At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.



Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.

And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."

Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.

But that is what I'll do.

Phone call with Julian

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. ...How are you?....

I'm fine. I'm sleepy.

I just--

What? I can't hear you there's like, distortion...

Oh I just said I wanted to see how you were doing.

I'm fine, Julian.

.....

.....

And I know you didnt do anything wrong. I understand why you didn't want to bring it up and all that. I mean that's all, you can go if you need to, you don't have to stay on...

I want to. Your opinion matters to me. And thank you for saying that but, I did some things wrong. I've been thinking about this a lot, when I should be thinking about my other clients--

And I know you're busy with everything too--

Thank you for saying that, but I meant, I've been thinking about transference and countertransference and all of that and, I don't think the recommended way to deal with it is right, but, I just, I didn't how to deal with it. And I'm not sure how, what the best way to deal with it is....

I'm sorry about all those e-mails.

Scarlet, I promise you. Besides maybe you, not a soul was hurt by those e-mails. And, honestly, they made me feel good and, they're quite brilliant. And I understand the depths of your emotions, the impulse to write the e-mails, though mine weren't quite as poetic as yours-- I wanted to-- and I've been there.

So you've had it? This unrequited love disease?

Yes.

So you know how much it hurts? And that it won't just go away?

My god, yes. It's been 10 years later and it still hasn't gone away. It's gotten better. But I haven't stopped thinking about it.

So great, so, this will still hurt in 10 years and forever?

Well god I HOPE it gets better after 10 years... See, I was kind of shunned. And I thought that maybe the opportunity to talk through it, with you, might be really helpful, might be really better for you, than my experience was.

Yeah. So 10 years ago, so it was right before you married your wife?

Shortly before, yes.
........

I'm sad, J. Do you have to go?

I have some time.

........................

I'm sorry for ruining Lolita...

(laugh) You didn't ruin Lolita for me.

...........................

I don't know how I'll get through the next 5 days.

I have a cancellation Monday, would you like to take that instead of Tuesday?

Yes.

If you want you can call my phone tomorrow, I'll be in court and probably won't get out til 8 but I might get out earlier, but we can talk after then if you want, and on the weekend, just e-mail me so I can see it if I'm remote--

I don't want to trouble you on the weekends--

I appreciate that, but if you need to talk to me I am available.

Ok. Thanks.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey guess what? UGH

Yeah. Obviously. I'm not even gonna write about it now. But yeah. Obvious. Not gonna quit or stop going though... Yet...

Nervous...

For tonight... It's nothing SCAR-LET I know. It'll be a session. A J-Date. Hah! That made me laugh. OK. No biggie.

Guess Who's Still Up?

That's right, me. Me, bitches.

This is dumbfounding. I'd have to get up shortly before work to get a good [night's] sleep at this point. And I was passing out at the diner. It's the damn booze. I don't get drunk, I don't ACTUALLY ever pass out, just CNS-depressed enough so that I can't sleep when it wears off. What a bitch, that.

I just had an hour-and-a-half long sexual fantasy about Julian. I am, okay, pretty SF at this point. If he touched me to any degree I would probably have an orgasm. OMG, sigh.

I laughed really hard twice yesterday.

1. At the show, there was a singer/guitar-player D00D who just, sucked like Electrolux up in there. I did NOT laugh while he was playing! Though I did hiccup once when he did something musically silly but it came off like an amused, laugh-with... But for the rest of his performance I think I was just staring ahead of me and tearing a beer label to shreds in my lap thinking about losing my gear. The emcee made eye contact with me at one point and I noticed I was visibly unhappy and quickly recomposed. But after the D00D was done he was like, talking to him from the stage, like, "That's original material, Travis? That's cool, man," and I was just like uh-oh giggles might be nigh... but they weren't, but then after Travis D. ooD walks out, the emcee goes, "I think it was great how he was just like I wrote a song, driving down the road, and it was long, and I'm just playin' it," but I mean, it was like really to the tune, and phrasing, of TD's, and I had a major onslaught, and no one else really seemed to even think it was supposed to be funny but the emcee had that evil little faint non-smile some comedians get when they're telling a hilarious, slightly mean joke. Ah, these things translate so badly...

2. At the club tonight, okay, this will translate badly too, because it's another impersonation. God, what translates to writing worse than an impersonation? Nothing, I think! I think this is as bad as a choice as I could have made! But maybe you can imagine... So, it's this girl Asia who's hilarious when she's drunk, if a little mean-hilarious, and is REALLY pretty, like a DOLL-cute, she's black with freckles, which is my FAVORITE, and huge Bambi eyes and round, perfect everything, and long straight black hair, which of course is fake as a $3 bill , but eveything else is real. Anyway, she's like implausibly cute, and she starts going off about Karolina, like "She come up to these men, like, You don't have money? Like, real concerned-like, like, Where's my money? Just like, confused..." And she was doing the Russian accent, and it was so dead on, I was dying, and she kept doing it, elaborating like, "But no, no, she be really curious, like," and she walked up to me again with Karolina's curious look, "You don't have money? And the man said, he don't have money, she be like," and she walks up to me again, this time like cocking her head even more confused, "Where is my money?" And she just KEPT doing it, and it just got funnier everytime, till I'm like laying back on the seats kicking my feet up and down like, "No!!!! Don't do it!!!" And Asia's like, "She be doin' it all night long." And Karolina walks in like "What you bitches are talking about?" and Asia's like, "You, bitch, talkin' bout "Where's my money all night long." And Karolina's like, "Well, tell me, why are you are here, you don't have money?" She's pretty f'in funny too. All the girls are, really, and Asia goes, "All night long." :::giggle:::

Politics and the Divided Self:

And now a word from the pundits on the left:

But it's not all in her head. There are a few things that happened, that are fact, that are irreducible, that are not just her interpretation. Like, a few weeks ago, when this is all started, (not my infatuation with J, which predates all this by 3 months, but when things got weird) we were talking about, something, toward the end of a session, he started acting really irritable, and short with me, and he stopped making eye contact with me and he told me time was up really abruptly, no "Last thoughts?" and something vague about a call he had to make, and he gave me my appointment card, pretty much dropped the thing into my hand and recoiled, and when I stood there, dumbfounded, looking at the card, he stared up at me and said, "Whatever it is can WAIT."

See, I didn't move because I've never even touched that door. He opens it every single time. Every time. He's a gentleman, it's a common courtesy, and sitting at his desk while I left was just SO off... So I was just, standing there like an idiot, and then mumbled "Sorry" and started backing out and he looked back down at his desk and didn't say Bye or anything... And then the next session, which wasn't for a week because Dan took me to Miami, well the next session he was just, harsh. He almost made me cry I felt so uncomfortable. He attacked and picked apart things I said, he didn't smile once, he snapped at me for touching a shelf or having my feet up which are things I always do and go without notice... That was when I started this blog. He hasn't been that way since, thank Christ.

And the Right:

She has a pretty powerful imagination. The "facts" don't exist here, they don't even belong, they have no place in this setting, a therapist's office, or rather, the recollection of a therapist's office as seen through the eyes of a lonely, romantic, oversexed, highly imaginative but emotionally adolescent 24-year old singer/writer/stripper. The ultimate taboo, what a juicy premise for a late-night fantasy or a confessional blog, maybe? Even if there were an attraction or even a flirtation it would likely be subconscious and therefore not a flirtation at all, but just the natural behavior people who are of fond of each other, on any level, who have a connection. Verdict: This isn't Hollywood, kids.

And center: Ugh! That's enough out of the two of you! Shout out to John, thanks for commenting, and thanks for caring :-) It isn't Hollywood, so what other outcome could there have been than this, anti-climactic, aimless denouement...?

Love, Left, Right, and Center,

Scarlet-O

Ode to the Art of Holding Horses--

Whoooooaa, Girl!

I used to ride 'em, too. Disgraceful.

Okay, I won't delete my last post because that would be cheating, censorship and denial, but I'm gonna take it easy with the trigger-happy temper-tantrum trash-talk from now on... If I'm a jackass, I'm a jackass, but Julian is not, and really, he's done nothing wrong in any way, hell, I don't even know if he's ever been flirtatious at this point, I don't know if this has all just been in my head...

That being said, the HeadSpin on today is that... Oh god it feels deluded to even suggest, but...

Okay, okay, first the No Spin Zone Play-by-Play. Well I came back in feeling lethal and hollow. I sat down and after the five-minute warmup routine he asked if I had anything else on my mind and if not then, okay, and I stopped fidgeting and crossed my legs and put my hands in my lap and looked straight at him with my own impenetrable pokerface, the kind I can only manage when the stakes are high, prepared to be utterly unmoved, and okay then, he was "just thinking about talking last week and-- wondering if maybe sometimes I give the impression that, well, like about the movie for example--"

YES? Bring it already, goddamnit!

"I don't want to underplay the effect past experiences and upbringing could have, because, it seems they might weigh quite heavily on you, and we hardly discuss them, it's almost conspicuously absent..."

Zoink??? Okay... Well, the pokerface was still a good bet (when's it not?) and thanks to J's penchance for polysyllabic English, and the slow, deliberate way he articulates, I made a full recovery by the time I had to respond (though I wonder if the gratitude and relief were hidden entirely.)

So, anyway, we ended up talking about my family and stuff, which I'll avoid here too, for as long as I can, though if the lien on personal photos is any indication... I just don't wanna nail too many people to the cross here... But, yeah, it was just Julian being beautiful Julian, and I can't complain about that.

But okay, it really felt deliberate. I know how bananas that sounds... but it did, that ambiguous lead-in, the announcement of the pending Big Question (again!), the suspense, the phrasing- concerned about giving off an impression? It's just that, Julian IS.CALCULATED. He is. This is what he does, he is a clinical psychologist, and he's psycho-smart, and there is not a snowflake's chance in hell he's unaware I have a mean, steamy hard-on for him, and okay, I'm gonna stop. Maybe he's just trying to bring things to a balance...