Soldiering ever and on

I'm like.. I'm like.. I dunno..

I'm tired. Man I'm tired. Not a lot of sleep, hardly any, ran 3 miles to the gym then took my yoga class and then swam. I met all these people at the gym and I ran into Mia, another dancer at the club, and she's one of the few cool ones and we actually exchanged numbers. She's pretty and smart too.

And then... I went to Table Top, cuz they have wi-fi now, as in Table Top next door to Cooperland, Home of J's Office, where he gets his coffee.

I sat there for 2 and a half hours. But I got all my linguistics homework done. Actually I got way ahead. Linguistics actually gets me going. It really does, and I dunno, in class today after like an hour I felt like people were getting irritated when I'd make arguments or observations the prof couldn't even really argue with, so I just shut up and looked down and wrote a letter to J in my notebook.

Obviously he didn't show up at Table Top. So I went by the Cooperland parking lot and looked in his car. To see what was in it. Unwashed. Yoga-mat. No more Paris pamphlet.

Meh.

Too Much Fun

Being that it's only my second day off TMF, I decided to go for a run. It's 3 30 now, and it was like midnight, and I was uncharacteristically sleepy and debating, nice to go to bed at a reasonable hour but during the weeks of TMF I didn't go running at all (though i did manage to go to a shit ton of really intense dance classes and work, at the beginning) and I had a feeling once I fell asleep the Kicks would come courtesy of the Cold Bird. The DTs make your legs jerk around cuz they haven't been moving and there's no more TMF calming their nerves so even if you're so tired in your head you can hardly keep em open your legs and arms will thrash around in revolt and you'll be left, sleepless, sweaty, and and angry.

Plus I wanna keep the youthful bloom in me as long as possible and this city has definitely made its attempts to take it away from me, and this city has definitely made me feel that at 4.5 and 20, being closer to 30 than 18, I am definitely in danger of losing the aforementioned bloom any morning.

I've had dreams where I wake up with hideous lines and marks on my face, and then I wake up, and they're really there, and then I wake up again.

But I ran, now it's late, but it's ok, I don't have to get up early.

I'll feel better tomorrow.

Anyone get a seriously bad crash after dancing or running? like the runner's high and then a crash like a drug crash? i get really sad when it's time to go back in the doma...

I wonder if I'll tell J if I move. I wonder if I'll send him postcards from my roadtrip to Tennessee. Or from onwards to Ohio. (With a stop at you Kitty, for sure.) Or possibly onwards to New York.

And I wonder if I'll amble down to Table Top in 2 weeks and try to run into him there.

BUT NO MORE WRITING.

I will be writing more, k?

Cuz no more words for Julian. No more. No more.

Love you guys.

All work and no Play, boy.

I think.

That you guys are right.

I had two hours of sleep last night, I just couldn't sleep, and I was so tired, but I ended up writing a lot of music... I'm kinda stoked about it... ks I'm gonna link you too... LOL.

And I had made plans to go real early in the morning to a dance class and then yoga right after with Celine... I gotta keep myself busy now and I wanna stay in touch with my friends, especially decent classy people... and I finally gave the damn super so much hell, I mean not hell, just like, listen up asshole, no more fucking around or trying to get over on me. And I came home and ALL my shit was fixed. All the clogged sinks and the missing screen and everything.

I hadn't worked out in ages and I ran all the way to the class and then swam cuz I was early and deposited my check in the bank and then did the classes and man-- I love dancing so much-- I love it onstage but I mean this class was like hardcore salsa and I forgot how much FUN dancing is and how much I used to love it before I got so burnt out with the ballet...

And Celine's real cool...

And I'm thinking-- I can't even tell like 99% of these people about my JOB. If I started doing Playboy shit, I mean... There's no hiding that and Kris you're right, it would change the way I see myself, and it would change everything, and for what, $500 bucks? And then a future being a bl0wup doll?

And Bathwater yes. I'm making myself start eating. Pizza sounds amazing but out here on the west coast, well, it's like the same as it was in pennsyltucky... but I lived in NYC when I was in the company and I KNOW pizza. so maybe mexican?

love and lotsa carbs,

S-O

sik poetix

I know the first step is to Close All Tabs.

I know the second is to Exit Aim.

I know the third is turn off all the lights and the fourth is to lie down. Comfortably.

There's mud in my brain and chocolate cake in my belly, and 150 ccs of cerebrospinal fluid in my brain and 1500 extra kcals in my belly.

I'm so sick and antsy, I want to go running, I wanted to go to work, Vinnie called me, but I'm SICK. I really am, I have like, swollen glands...

I'm so sad and antsy, I want to write Julian because he inspired my thoughts but it just seems such a stupid thing to do, and I'm SICK and full and antsy.

I took a sleeping pill, I hope it works when it kicks in.


I'm worried about the truth and I hope it soon sinks in.

I'm feeling uninspired and I'm feeling kinda dim, and I want to watch a movie but my legs won't stop kicking.

The only way to get these legs to stop is to tire them out, but the rest of my body is tired as it is. I feel really sick and kinda like I'm gonna throw up and I want this person to help me I want to talk to him this person who I want to help me but I have to cut that tie, when I see him tomorrow, if I can refrain from writing him tonight.

I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me, I know he'll miss me when I'm gone.

Ode to Running

Inhale, inhale,
Exhale, exhale,
Seven miles an hour

Droplets
Bullets
Beads of sweat
Refreshing cooling shower

No one in the whole wide world can take away the high
And I can get it absolutely any place and time

Play.

Heavy-lidded, thirsty, headthrobbed and humble, I blog.

I ran six miles today, mostly in the rain, it felt so good, it feels so good, just running, just running, why does it feel so good, all those things that aren't supposed to feel good, or that are, but are chores to other people, work, and it's all I ever want to do... Run, play piano and sing, write, clean... I didn't used to be like this.

I used to love to play.

I still do. I love to go out dancing. I love to travel and swim and go out and make out and *$(&.

Trust me. I LOVE it. There's just... I just don't know.

So, I figured it out. (If I'm repeating myself I'll figure that out too and edit.) Julian is divorced, with a child, in elementary school. Maybe just separated, but I'm pretty sure divorced, and they don't live together. I figured it out last night after more obsessive, exhaustive sleuthing-- which is NOT, by the way, what kept me up, but just something I fell into after tossing and turning for four hours.

This makes Scarlet very happy. :-) I mean, not, because that really sucks, divorce really sucks, specially with a kid, and now looking back I realize how many times I mentioned I never wanted to get divorced because like everyone in my family has been... But, the thought that he was married, or married with children, really kind of upset me. I would never, ever mess with someone who's married. It's been tempting, I mean not that I was tempted but just I've had attractions/connections with married men but no, no way.

Ugh. Dan is calling. I'm writing. I never answer the phone... It's in excusable. But, ugh, I'm busy.

I talked to Elena for hours today and yesterday. Elena is my heart, my pulse, without her I lose myself. Sometimes beautifully, but, I lose myself.

Weight.

I can tell it's
Winter, by the size of
The lump in my throat,
Gotta lump in my throat.

I'm frustrated today, I'm a rusted wheel.

I just, did everything, from the moment I got up I've been going, and save for the orgasmic endorphin rush I got after running 5 mi and my Power Yoga routine, it's all been really kind of frustrating. I just did errands and bought stuff and washed the house and gave Madeline a bath and played with Madeline and put my own ass in the shower and then caught up on e-mails and some phone calls and even gave Facebook a 5 minute nod and everything takes so LONG and I've just been on the verge of tears.

I did well last night at work... Couple regulars, one of whom I went out with a couple times, and liked, but like, not ENOUGH, but quite a bit. And sorta blew off. But I like him. I don't know and another guy I've gone out with, music industry guy, wanted to go out tonight and I said rain-check partly because quite honestly it is raining and I've had such a damn long day just catching up with myself, or trying, and though, partly it was because I'm seeing Julian early tomorrow and I, I always do this, if a guy wants to take me out, and I'm seeing J soon, I make it for after... Like because something might happen? And because it's so primarily on my mind?

And I've been thinking about him all day, of course, replaying past conversations, imagining new ones, and I'm just thinking, just thinking, he's helped me a lot with things, but now, it's like I don't have real psychological issues (well, ok, shut up) I more just need a friend to talk to, like ELENA, who went off to a fancy school and is never around, but is right, is right, Elena is ALWAYS right, and she told me I wouldn't rest til I had him (or knew for sure I couldn't) and that I'm just dicking around wasting my time and is she right?? Because without J maybe I'd go out more, maybe I'd like some of these guys, maybe I'd start building something somewhere somehow, maybe it's really just UNHEALTHY. An obsession.

But I love Julian. And now... it's just changed between us... and I don't know what will happen, and right now I'm confused and LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY-

And the minute I sat down just now I had to go move my clothes into the dryer and it made me cry.