SOLID.

Okay well Bathwater didn't post another Truth exercise so I'm off the hook.

I talk to P for like 4 hours a day. We're just laughing about how we're shut up in our rooms for months and people think we're flaky and out spending time with other people and neglecting them and get hurt and just don't understand, don't get it, the staying in and writing artist shit. "Friday night, in the crib..." he said. Yup.

I'm really just blown away by C and I sent P (too lazy to come up with names right now hahaha) just this electronic arrangement and me just laying down the piano and vocals for reference recording we just did, and he's freaking out over it, and I sent it to one other person and he FREAKED over it, and I'm freaking over it, and C's freaking over it, and finally in my life I'm just like, Okay, okay, okay this is good... this is really good... I don't know what's gonna come of it, but it's kind of really exciting...

And the show with P is gonna be fucking GOOD... and that's kind of REALLY exciting... and I'm realizing... I have NOT been doing nothing. Holed up in here? Yes. Losing touch with some friends? Unfortunately yes. Fantasizing about J and having no personal life besides? Yup. But I just... just realize... this is some... real shit... for lack of a better expression. And I did not waste a year. NOTHING was a waste. I'm talking about with P, he's a writer (and director and producer and business genius and yeah, workaholic, artist) and he tells me he does the same thing, and I NO LONGER feel bad about it, or like a waste, it's who I am, I'm an artist, I create, and this is the process, for me.

And it might at the expense of a lot of other things. But. What are ya gonna do?

And we talked about also, real friendship. And it's people that get you. That get THAT. Aren't offended by it. Listen. Cut to the chase. And don't judge. Don't judge. Never, ever judge.

Urg.

Ok. I'm starting to get a little... need some space with this cool neighbor thing... she's still really great, no change in that, it's just she wanted me to take her running yesterday, so I did, and I realize- I really want to fucking BE ALONE when I run. And to the yoga class at the gym today. And I ended up paying for her membership. And to work tonight. And honestly, she's fine at work, but I kinda don't like being friends with anyone at work... And she hasn't gone in by herself yet, and she suggested it, and said, Oh, I'll just go in at 10 o clock. Oh let me just have Vinnie's number and I'll call him. And I'm like... Ugh... please don't just go in at 10 o clock. That's not the time you're supposed to go in, I'LL fucking get shit for it, I know I do it, but like, you've gone in ONCE. Vinnie made a joke- Don't teach her bad habits, I don't need another Casper! Like, it's TOO FUCKING MUCH. TOO FUCKING MUCH. She never has cigarettes, and she doesn't have a car, and it's just like, her friend Dan brought me a keyboard, and they took photos of my show, and she's come to two, so it's not like it's not reciprocated, it's just a little too much. It's just too many aspects of my life being shared right now. I wanted to go to the gym when I felt like it, and swim, and take a class, and then she was like You have to take me to the gym today, I have to work out before this shoot (which was a bullshit modeling job, not even real, and I knew it as soon as she told me about it, the guy was chatting with her on Skype, and talking about a contract, and all kinds of unrealistic unprofessional BS, but I didn't want to burst her bubble too much. But then she wasn't ready, and we got there and spent 20 minutes figuring out her membership, and then after the class she was texting with the guy, and stressing, and I just wanted to get out of there.

It was not the way I wanted to decompress.

In fact I'm more irritable now then before. And now it's like I can't just go into work whenever I want. And I'm stressed about it. Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I REALLY like my privacy and my independence. I had it made with the club. I don't like this.

Just straight whining here.

the sun in this town is one of the gnarlier things i've ever experienced. i just went running and it was like, my shadow was like 6" long everywhere, no relief, beating down on me like an abusive husband. but i did it. short one though. 3 miles and a mile cooldown. it was miserable.

elena called me. last night i did it and went to the beach, and i couldnt even relax because she called me when i was walking around the water and started moaning about some irrelevant shit the entire time and i soothed her and explained it all and broke it down and then she decided to say the thing that i have a million times asked her NOT to say because i DONT need to hear it and its just discouraging and not helping me in any way to just keep repeating and she just kept turning it around on me and i was so agitated by the time i left....

and she just called me now and is still on it, and i'm like, Dude.

i don't even tell her anything anymore and... well i know it comes in waves...

Also. like. she is constantly saying like, our situations arent the same, but theyre equivalent, like, the emotional stuff she has to deal with when she asks her mom for money is just as bad...?! as worrying one will have nae a roof over their heads? and being totally alone? um, no. besides. she wouldnt have to deal with any emotional shit from her mom if she didnt act like a total brat with her i mean the things she tells me!!! like, my mom said this and this and this to me, is it true, why did she say that, and im like, because elena. you acted like a total brat. you are 35 years old. and in your mothers house and stop causing drama and show some respect and... but i said it all funny and soft and made her laugh and then she says just straight brutal things to me sometimes and THEN she starts crying ohhh you always make me feel so much better and its like i can never say anything to make you feel better and dadadada..

ok. ok. ok. whining over.

Ode to Sunny

Dear Princess Sunny
I present you your crown
You're cool and your funny
Though you live in this town
Somehow you've managed to stay really ama3ing
I hope you don't read this and decide I'm a bra3en [hussy]

I would LOVE some cheese with my whine, preferably Havarti. Thanks much.

Okay. It's clear. It's really clear, that nobody wants to hear about this. Anymore, or for the first time, or at all. There are exceptions. But generally-- I've been met with negative reactions.

I don't care what this means.

I'm not looking for advice.

I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.

So that's it.

Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.

One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.



I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.



ANYWAY.



After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.



WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...



??



Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.



But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."



Sigh.



Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.



At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.



Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.

And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."

Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.

But that is what I'll do.

All things holy

There are some really beautiful things

Surfer Rosa, the Pixies album, sounds like life moving
Sunny's an angel
I texted her last night just Can you come over? and she was like Give me a half hour, and she did.
Elena's ama3ing... I hate that she disappears into her world for like 2 months at a time sometimes, but it doesn't matter ultimately
she always calls back and we always talk for four hours and we always understand each other
I have a new hairstylist, the first one I actually like here. She's really good, and she's funny as hell, I finally can look in the mirror, for the first time in a year and a half since I've moved here
Ironically I met her through Stefan
And when she told me the price I was like No. She was like, no, really! I was like you're out of your trees. She was like, no, really, I liked doing it it made me happy. I was like All right, if you say so. I tipped her like 40%. It was stupid cheap. And I know she's not cheap... she's the busiest stylist there and it's not a cheap place
The party tonight was lovely
It was small, 20 people, a dinner party, birthday party, about half the people were really famous, but they were all sweet

Julian called me at like 8 15, a little after I got there, and I ran out of the bar to answer the phone... He... the sound of his voice melted me... I've been either sobbing or on the verge of tears all day. I called him earlier but I didn't leave a message. He said It sounds like you're out somewhere. I said yeah, I am, I'm out at this director's birthday party. I'm halfway through my second vodka. He said Well I don't want to ask you anything in public... I said No I'm halfway down the block already. He said How was your day? I said Fucking fantastic. I said I'm like, breaking down every 20 minutes. And I have to be here for more than 20 minutes. And I haven't eaten anything so I feel the boo3e. And he said, Well, hmmm, at the risk of sounding pedestrian... Channel some of the Machiavellian impulse and make a good impression there, no, that's stupid advice. I laughed, No, and then started crying. Tell me not to drink anymore. I said. Okay, he said. Don't drink anymore. I mean tonight. I laughed again. Okay. I said. Yes, you can drink again, he said, but tonight you should watch out for the Sick Puppies. I laughed and said Okay. Okay. He said, so, let's leave it at this, just contact me if you need to talk over the weekend, and we're on for Monday at seven? Yes. I said. Okay, he said. No drinking! No drinking! I said.

I've never felt like this before. Never. Never. Not through dad leaving, mom dying, brother losing his marbles, losing our house, ex dying, six breakups, all kinds of things going wrong and people disappearing.

Everything is tied to everything and everything makes me think about him and everything makes me SO SAD

SO SAD

I can't believe how SAD i am.

Re: Adult Friendships :-)

Okay, I'm going to take a break from my usual daily planner + descriptive whining-style post and write, in response to Kat (hey if you don't want me calling you that tell me, I don't know why I started it even!) and write about adult friendships, as I have been thinking a lot about them too lately... She went to a seminar and it was one of the topics, so, Der 3eitgeist I guess!

The Proximity Effect

Before friendships become close, they must begin. Before, like, the internet, that wasn't even possible, to meet someone who wasn't right there. When I was a little kid, like 5, I had friends and I had best friends, and I don't remember choosing them. My parents chose them, sometimes based on their opinion of their parents (and then sometimes banished them when that opinion changed...) I don't remember anything before 5, I hardly remember anything before 10, and we moved schools a lot, but my friend from kindergarten Sharon is THE BOMB. She was my best friend for years, even after we switched elementary schools and I moved a couple towns over, and then we lost touch because my mom decided her family was low-class and she couldn't come over anymore... Which is horrible. Luckily I got back in touch with her on Myspace or something several years ago and she's still ama3ing, and god even though we live such different lives, we think the same way, and it's so important for me to have someone that KNEW me then, that remembers me, that recogni3ed things about me when I was six years old that I'd completely lost sight of... She is tough and funny and no nonsense and small-town working class but her mind is open to all corners of the universe and she's bright and outspoken and REAL and caring and JUST, she has character, and she loves her family, and she's just ama3ing.

But yeah, when I was like 11 I couldn't see her anymore... I had another parentally imposed friend, Carly, whose parents were later dismissed in the same way and my mom again tried to limit her coming over even though she really is the sweetest, most conventional, harmless girl. I like her, and I still talk to her, but our lives are different too, which doesn't matter, but our souls are very different, and I don't think she understands me, nor I her, but we still love each other.

But then around that age I started making my own friends in school, and started being aware of social things... I wasn't shy... I was always nice, a little on the outside, because it was a small town and my family didn't fit in. My parents didn't fit it, and didn't have any friends, and my brother didn't fit it... he was really quiet and he had one friend and he was a good student, and he was picked on. And I have no idea how much, cu3 it was never that bad... Well I don't know... it might've been worse than I thought...

But I made myself fit in, though it broke my heart at times and drained me of energy to do so... I had a little group in sixth and seventh grade, we used to have sleepovers every weekend, and make christmas cookies, and go into "town" to go shopping, and play ouija and stuff... We were all pretty creative... Hillary, Julia, Carly and me, and occasionally Allison, or Caroline, or Georgia. Hillary and I were kind of the leaders... and the most "popular" cu3 she played sports I guess, and a lot of boys liked me. And we started getting together alone more often... And we'd get invited to parties... And I guess we started caring... And one day, in the cafeteria, I can't even remember; I blocked it out; I didn't say anything I remember, but Hillary kind of told Julia something... and the two of us went and sat somewhere else... at a more "popular" table...

And then I was alone. I had a lot of friends, and made a lot more, but it was different, but that group in which I was so myself, that state of being so myself, was gone, for a long, long time...

Then high school and all about boys and playing at being a grownup and then adulthood and making new friends from different places, much older, with interesting jobs, and bohemian, and everything changed, those are the adult friendships...

I will to be continued as well...

Note to Jessica Aguirre, soon to be Leyenda:

She wrote me an e-mail this morning asking what I had done for her... after my response yesterday saying I was surprised she'd want to blow off a friendship based on the one "decision"...

I haven't responded yet but I'm probably going to say, I don't know, I didn't look at it that way, I've just tried to be there, etc...

But how about THIS: Aside from the hours listening to inflated unrealistic career plans, and actually teach her a routine, and working on her song with her, and teaching techniques, and giving advice about performing, well, what about her coming MARRIAGE??? I've been friends with Manny for years and been getting his side of the Jess story from the beginning... Even before I knew her, I thought she sounded like good news, and always stuck up for her, trying explain her side of the story to him, her perspective, telling him all her good qualities, there were even a couple blowout fights there in the beginning when she was pushing him away and he was like totally done with it, her lashing out and disappearing, and I was like, she just wants attention and assurance that you care, she has a wall up, and he'd be like she's saying it's over, and I'd be like she's freaking out, just give it a couple days, and then call her again, like it didn't happen... And she told me a while ago, that she always pushed people away, but for some reason Manny was always just there-- she was like, I'd do my thing, and freak out and storm off, and then a couple days later, he was always there like, 'hi...' So that made me feel good. And when she was trying to be a model and taking pictures with sketchy guys and he thought she was cheating on him I knew she wasn't and was like no way, she just wants to feel desired... And when she gets on his case to quit his job and become a professional photographer (" ") like all these hacks she knows who are certainly NOT, I'd be like she just wants best for you, and then I'd explain to her that he's an artist, and has no ego, and doesn't care, and that you can't really make money with art unless you take somewhere commercial, and always mediating their arguments and telling them both each others' great qualities.

Well, being their only mutual close friend, I think it all really helped... And if course she doesn't and will never know about it. How's that for being a friend? More important than giving presents. But of course I didn't even think about that. Because I don't keep count. And I'm never gonna tell her, because some things he told me in confidence, because some would make her feel bad, because I don't want to answer. Because that's not the point. Well, she'll realize it soon I think.

Sorry, had to vent.

Julian in an hour.

Lah and Ladida
Scarlet-O

Everything in its right place....

I did everything right today. Class and errands, bought my psych book, printed out my contract with the studio, sent a bunch of letters, saw a couple people I needed to say, played piano for ages and came up with stuff I love and practiced and I've still got yoga and a run to do but I'll do it...

My boss from the club called me Tuesday night, he's always cool as shit, asked what was going on so I said I'll go Saturday so I will.

Jess doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore. I told her I'd help her make an audition tape for some show, help her with the singing and the dance routine. I told her ages ago and she never tried to get together to work on it and when the day rolled around, it was like two and a half weeks ago, she called me a few nights before and was like are you ready and then told me it would take all day, that it was three hours away (she couldn't find a studio in town??) and her friend would be doing makeup and all this SHIT that was never part of the deal... She expected me to drive to her house, almost and hour away at like five in the morning so we could leave to be there at eight, and that we'd "wrap" by 5 pm and I'd get home at EIGHT to be dropped off at work, on my one day off, the morning after a concert, the week I started school. I was like, Oh god babe this is really freaking me out, it's going to be REALLY hard, can you find someone else? If not, I'm there, ok?

And she says, "I'm not gonna get butt-sore [sic] or anything, I can find someone else, it's fine, if not I'll let you know..."

So I said, "Ok, COOL!" OBVIOUSLY. And hoped she'd find someone.

Well, I didn't hear anything back from her, so I asked Manny and he said the audition was cool, though they messed up the tape, yadiyadi, he wasn't there, but he didn't know of any kind of problem she had with me... So I wrote her, and she wrote back, HIGH AND F'IN MIGHTY, how she had decided to ask someone else, because of what I showed with my decision.

Okay, fuck me, I didn't even MAKE a decision, I more like begged to be excused. We've been friends for a while now, and now that I think about it, she's spent a good portion of our time together talking about her "career" which is not a career at all, while I sat there and bit my tongue, having been a professional PERFORMER since I was sixteen, in the ballet COMPANY, and a band, for a living, and she has absolutely no respect for what I've accomplished despite supposedly being on the same "path..." She doesn't ask me about it, anything I've done, important things according to people who are in it, she sits there and tells me how to get an agent, and that oh, she's not gonna study dance, or bother with an instrument, she's going to do commercials to make some money first... She's NOT an actress, she's not a dancer, she's not a singer, it's a lark for her, and she called me self-absorbed??? I don't talk about a goddamn thing with her, she doesn't know about my music, she doesn't know what my JOB is, she doesn't know about Julian of course, but I mean, I don't talk about my work with people-- it's tacky-- it's not interesting, or relatable. I talk about music with other musicians, dance with dancers, writing with writers, exploring it together, the difficulties and the beauty and the path... She sits there and regurgitates this stuff these phony ignorant teachers tell her in these one-day seminar classes, and reads self-help books, and doesn't listen to anything I say the few times I say it, and it's just painful and insulting and inconsiderate, and I don't even know if we were ever close at all now... Then she talks about the things she's done for me and that I needed to give back??? She's given me a trash bag of old clothes that are 4 sizes too big for me-- as if I'm homeless-- and decals for my wall (an object I couldn't even identify, or as Manny says, SWADW (shit we all don't want)), and made me business cards for Christmas which I would never use, but she's been generous, but I didn't know she was keeping COUNT... And I don't have anything to give, I don't live with a fiance who takes care of my shit, I didn't grow up anywhere near here, I don't have family here, I'm pursuing 10 million things all alone and if she ever thought about my life she'd realize a lot of these sacrifices are for the "path," are for music, were for dance, and a lot of them are NOT by choice, and I don't have SHIT, and my headlights are falling off my car, so no, I don't send out Christmas cards. This just really upset me. But whatever.

Well.

I almost think I shouldn't blog right now. I'll keep it short. I don't know what to say. I didn't leave the house today. I finally got some sleep last night, woke up late, at like noon, and recorded and played and chatted with people online and talked to Elena for hours and she told me being alone right now is the best thing I can do, and everything I'm going through with J, that I'm going to experience a massive growth. (Sounds like a tumor.) I didn't go to work. I did yoga but I didn't run. I comforted Elena and then she comforted me. I've been crying. I know she's right cuz she's always right. But the isolation. But the isolation.

Should I be worried?

This is a picture Manny took of me in my Halloween costume as Marilyn.. I think it's small enough and I'm in costume enough to be safe. I could be wrong.

It's 2.

I said I'd go to bed by 12. I think if I just went to bed, I'd be asleep by now. Now I'm "playing Blues Brothers" like J said, "Well, if you can't turn off the light or the computer at least maybe you can play Blues Brothers..." meaning wear sunglasses at night, at home, when I want to start getting ready for bed. It was cute, really cute. I realize... I feel like the loneliest girl in the world. An old girlfriend from home called me, after a year, she lives here actually and we went for a drive while she took bad pretentious pictures for her music video for her weak boring music and she was completely self-absorbed and just talked about herself the whole time so I asked her to drop me off after half an hour, because I had a date, which I wanted to cancel, so I asked him to come earlier, and then he said he couldn't, so I was so happy. And then I spent hours playing and recording and then no one was online except my friend James from Scotland and I wanted to send him my music but it wouldn't go through and he kept asking me to send pictures of myself. There's a hilarious comic on Comedy Central. I wish I could put my songs on here somehow. I wish I could talk to Julian or Elena.

My friend Lucy from here doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. We stopped talking at some point, around the holidays, and then kept saying we needed to hang out, and we never did, talked online occasionally though, and then I asked her to read something in the blog, and she probably read it all, and she stopped talking to me, and IM'd her once and she said she had to go and "Let me know if you need anything." And hasn't spoken to me since. I have a feeling... It was condescending. She's 20. And I feel like sees me as a mess now and beneath her. Julian would challenge me on that. That maybe it's in my head and I assume everyone's judging me and if I reached out to her she'd be there. And he'd do it with just a look, get me to say all that. And now his voice is in my head at all times and I question it myself. Maybe it is just me. But it sure seems that way. I'm going to try again. Good night.

Play.

Heavy-lidded, thirsty, headthrobbed and humble, I blog.

I ran six miles today, mostly in the rain, it felt so good, it feels so good, just running, just running, why does it feel so good, all those things that aren't supposed to feel good, or that are, but are chores to other people, work, and it's all I ever want to do... Run, play piano and sing, write, clean... I didn't used to be like this.

I used to love to play.

I still do. I love to go out dancing. I love to travel and swim and go out and make out and *$(&.

Trust me. I LOVE it. There's just... I just don't know.

So, I figured it out. (If I'm repeating myself I'll figure that out too and edit.) Julian is divorced, with a child, in elementary school. Maybe just separated, but I'm pretty sure divorced, and they don't live together. I figured it out last night after more obsessive, exhaustive sleuthing-- which is NOT, by the way, what kept me up, but just something I fell into after tossing and turning for four hours.

This makes Scarlet very happy. :-) I mean, not, because that really sucks, divorce really sucks, specially with a kid, and now looking back I realize how many times I mentioned I never wanted to get divorced because like everyone in my family has been... But, the thought that he was married, or married with children, really kind of upset me. I would never, ever mess with someone who's married. It's been tempting, I mean not that I was tempted but just I've had attractions/connections with married men but no, no way.

Ugh. Dan is calling. I'm writing. I never answer the phone... It's in excusable. But, ugh, I'm busy.

I talked to Elena for hours today and yesterday. Elena is my heart, my pulse, without her I lose myself. Sometimes beautifully, but, I lose myself.

No me importa que sera....

I just LOVE. I LOVE. I love Julian Darcy and it really doesn't matter what happens because he is beautiful, a beautiful spirit. And I love, purely, and wholly, really.



I'm giving my friend Joanna from the club piano lessons. Woot! :-) She's so beautiful and kind of enigmatic, I'm stoked. She's the only girl from the club I'd ever want to hang out with honestly, just her depth... Like Julian said today, emotional depth of field... I further regret my kangaroo keyboard-- of all things with which to be CHEAP. That, and oh my dancing shoes!!! I was discussing this with another girl last night... Being DIRT CHEAP with our dancing shoes and clothes when that's how we make our money, and I mean, for real, it's ridiculous, my shoes are PRETTY MUCH broken now, and they were cheap POS to begin with. Well, I'll splurge a whopping 50 bucks on a new pair and they'll feel great. Ahhh today was sloshy cold rain again and I wore flip flops cuz I really just loathe shoes, especially after last night, and I came into Julian's (after drying my feet in the bathroom though) and he was kind of stern-ish, the first few minutes, he is sometimes, I love that, that he's moody, not like mood-swingy obviously, but that he has different moods and he doesn't hide them. He's not fake. Some days he's just really cheerful and some days he's not, like a real person. There are so few people, especially people you work with on some level, that are just real and don't give the same face everyday... Anyway I apologized for my feet. He was like, why? I said cuz they're all wet in flip flops. He said, Oh, doesn't matter.