Does anything prevent scarring?

The demons come, they came to me last night.

When the demons come they want to ruin my face and they want to ruin my hands.

Demons are like heat-seeking missiles; they charge for the whitest light... I hurled myself against the gate, and bled, my face is covered in huge scratches and I hope they don't scar.

The demons come from the people dearest to you, your favorite light. Sometimes they are powerful and they overwhelm you, possess you, as they leave the person across the table... The person across the table says, Wow. All the pain and worries... you just made them go away... We spoke and now they're sitting in the ashtray.

Yes, you say. But you feel on edge... You feel sad... You feel exhausted... And two days later, you find yourself in so much pain and filled with so much darkness and rage and you feel them trying to siege at the person across the room. The person with so much light.

But you fight them... So you fight yourself... You watch yourself try to destroy you. The demons want to ruin my face, and to ruin my hands, and they wanted it so intensely I hurled myself against the gate, I scratched my fingernails slowly and deeply down my face, I punched the concrete and banged my head on it 15 times.

The person across the room didn't want to take on the pain; he stood there and watched and didn't stop me once.

I don't know if they are gone; I don't know if he, is now on edge, sad, exhausted.

I only know my face is covered in bruises and deep scratches. And it hurts to play the piano.

Does anything prevent scarring, can anything keep it from scarring me now...

a pain in the buttbones.

Soooo, we've all been away for a while it seems. Falltime. Always busy for every bee.

My bed is crap. It's shite. I slept on the floor last night, and I feel okay for the first time in... months?

I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac; I just ignore shit 'til it goes away; I'm never sick (well I'm sick sometimes... but its almost always just the direct cause of drug or alcohol withdrawal... hahaha) and I've never had any conditions or anything (hear no see no speak no jinx). So I've actually had mad pain of the Buttbone for like, months, it hurts when I'm sitting down, after like 20 minutes... I have to stand up or shift around-- it REALLY hurts. Like a mother. And I've been saying in the Buttbone, cuz I couldn't really tell what the fuck it was. And I just assumed it was from taking vicoshit or some kind of muscular overuse from dancing or running like a maniac or a wrong move in yoga....

And then C one day after sleeping in my bed was like... Now I have that thing too... the pain in the buttbone, haha, and I've never had it before... I think it's your BED...

So... I laid down that night... and realized it hurt like a snatch cuz the PoS it so saggy and droopy my whole butt just droops down into the center. And like... I wasn't sure WHY that made it hurt but it seemed like it FN did. And after some extensive google searching, I found the exist fucking symptoms, and its called piniformis syndrome and its a pain in the buttbone, a gluteal glitch, said it happens to athletes and its caused by forward moving sports because the legs move in the direction so much those muscles hypertrophy and make other muscles around them asymmetrically weak (and I fucking was always saying my buttmuscle is hypertrophied if anyone remembers cuz of the ghetto booty and the pain in the buttbone and I thought I made that word up, like, it was a joke) and my BED, makes my legs just go forward all the time like I'm SKIING cuz my BUTT is sunk 3 feet lower than my knees!! Eureeeka!!! and THEN it said it was hard to treat a certain way cuz the piniformis is such a deep muscle (and THATS why it feels like its in the BONES.) So obviously my bed-- is shit. Its a hammock. A hamstrungout hammock, that fucks the hamstrings, and causes piniformis syndrome, which I'm godsworn I had. GODSWORN.

And some people go to like PHYSICAL THERAPY over this and take BOTOX injections locally to relax their buttbone and some even go to FN surgery, but like I'm just stretching and sitting differently and conscious of my buttbones being tight and deliberately relaxing them cuz I'm not retarded, and I can do that, so it's going away.

Ugh.

I CANNOT afford a new mattress.

Good Old Murphy

Strikes again...

Whenever I come upon a little decision tree, a selection of beautiful boughs to climb, instead of the barren stark crumbling trunk extended shaky up into foreverness, and I'm happy to see them but overwhelmed and unable to choose, an overzealous lumberjack enters the picture and makes my decision for me and I plummet to the ground and knock out a tooth.

Well that happened.

I was excited about this weekend and seeing my friend, and more so when Emily invited me/us to this show, and the guy from the Vons invited me to a swanky party and turned out to be really cool, and my boss called and actually really wanted me to come to work, and I really had to because I need money, and Kostya was around to record and I really wanted to because I haven't in ages. And I didn't know what to do, and then Friday night my tooth exploded.

It hurt so bad I had to find a walk-in dentist open Saturday morning. And after like the third sleepless night, half-delirious, I walked there, and practically fell asleep in the chair, and couldn't even bite down for the X-rays because it hurt so much. And then a cocky young dentist came in and told me my tooth was infected, the one on which I already had a root canal done, like I thought, like, excuse me how can the hurt? Doesn't it NOT have a nerve? But he didn't answer that, he just told me I could either get the crown removed and redone, or the tooth removed and replaced with an implant, and then went on to tell me I should get my wisdom teeth pulled, and that I had a cavity, as I was like OK I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. WHAT WILL THIS COST. HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THE PAIN TO GO AWAY. WHICH SHOULD I DO. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE, NO, NOT IN THE PROCEDURE, IN WHAT IT MEANS FOR ME, PAIN AND COST-WISE AND RECOVERY TIME-- and he wouldn't ANSWER it was like he didn't even hear me, he started answering about how long the implant nonsense would take and was like Well first you have to wait 5 months for- and I was like OK. Nevermind. And he just kept going until he was done. UGH.

So I ended up doing nothing and now I'm popping Vicodin like Dr. House.

I couldn't even watch Dr. House, speaking of him, last night, because I was so messed up.

So now I did nothing and I feel really on edge... besides the pain... all the Vicodin, and having done nothing, and feeling like I messed everything up, and I have an expensive dental surgery with a bonafide a-hole that I can't afford and maybe no job and no friends and two tests and I won't see John for another bunch of years or get to meet all these people at this party. And I'm really fat again.

Fuck.

Love and losing-my-lunch,

S-O