Aaaaand what else is new.

Never mind about Naima being back on the team. Drove all the way to the west side to pick her up, she didn't have my stuff I left, we drove all the way east to Julian's magic forest carousel where the hike was, and she read the waiver that said they're not responsible for death or whatever-- the usual shit-- and said "I cannot do this. You have to drive me back. One time I went on a hike and almost DIED" and babbled on and on about that and I was SO disappointed and I drove her all the way back and just dropped her off, she babbled about herself the whole three hours this took, didn't apologize... I feel like shit.

No Cryin' in Baseball

I'm not going to discuss today, make a list of the mundane details of which today was comprised, which will only serve to get me going and bore my faithful readers, that have made today the Worst Fucking Day I've Ever Had, not insofar as anything bad happened, just in the sense that it has caketakingly been the day I would least like to ever repeat, ever again, right now, as far back as I can remember.

Paper, exam, no sleep, hours at the DMV, bureaucracy and moneybled, exam: continuous.

'Nuff said.

For all my complaints, when Psych Prof sort of gave the requiem and said some of you may have enjoyed the class, some of you not, I said, "Enjoyed the class, won't necessarily enjoy the grades!" and I meant it... When I handed in the exam, and my paper, I was about to say that I thought it was double-spaced but I see it's not so it's twice as long, but I said, Ahhh I'm not gonna say anything, heh, and he said Miss O Dwyer, you don't have to. And we smiled and I shook his hand, and my eyes began to well up with tears...

And I was almost in the mood to work but it's out of the question. And I'm gonna curl up and read all y'alls posts I'm so behind and I'm looking forward :-)

Passive Aggressive Response

BLOGGING: The Top 5 Worst.

5. Ironic comment-leavery: You don't gotta do that. Really. Is it strange not to want unpleasant criticisms of my lifechoices, my thinking, or my writing, on my own page? Call me a weirdo.

4. 3D-->0D Stalkery: If I made the mistake of sharing this link with you ages ago when I realized neither how personal it would be, nor how preposterous YOU would be, please don't.

3. Cyberoblivion: My own lack of awareness when writing that this particular here Diary is for the world's eyes only.

2. Cyberignorance: My inability to know who is going to read this, search this, memorize bits of this to bring up in conversation.

1. Ultimate High Self Absorbency Towelettes: Hey! Don't skim this looking for something about yourself! You're not in here! It's boring! You'll be bored out of your mind! My life is boring to you- and YOU. Are BORING. To ME. That's right. I'll prattle away all day about my fantasies sooner than write about those few dull hours I wasted listening to you bullshit about your accomplishments. So move it along, please.

Extra Credit: Why Am I Doing This Again, Anyway??? I really don't know. I am an exhibitionist. I guess. I like that lovely people and writers from out here are interested... I like that. Knowing that it's engaging enough to read sometimes. Makes me write more. But again- PLEASE- if you're a real-life person and any of the above objections ring a bell- just QUIT IT, will ya?? Or don't. Keep on keeping on...

...But know that I know you're doing it, and I think you're an ass, and if that's your passive-aggressive way to get on my nerves, this is my passive-aggressive response for you to F off. Cool? Cool.

Hey guess what? UGH

Yeah. Obviously. I'm not even gonna write about it now. But yeah. Obvious. Not gonna quit or stop going though... Yet...

Weight.

I can tell it's
Winter, by the size of
The lump in my throat,
Gotta lump in my throat.

I'm frustrated today, I'm a rusted wheel.

I just, did everything, from the moment I got up I've been going, and save for the orgasmic endorphin rush I got after running 5 mi and my Power Yoga routine, it's all been really kind of frustrating. I just did errands and bought stuff and washed the house and gave Madeline a bath and played with Madeline and put my own ass in the shower and then caught up on e-mails and some phone calls and even gave Facebook a 5 minute nod and everything takes so LONG and I've just been on the verge of tears.

I did well last night at work... Couple regulars, one of whom I went out with a couple times, and liked, but like, not ENOUGH, but quite a bit. And sorta blew off. But I like him. I don't know and another guy I've gone out with, music industry guy, wanted to go out tonight and I said rain-check partly because quite honestly it is raining and I've had such a damn long day just catching up with myself, or trying, and though, partly it was because I'm seeing Julian early tomorrow and I, I always do this, if a guy wants to take me out, and I'm seeing J soon, I make it for after... Like because something might happen? And because it's so primarily on my mind?

And I've been thinking about him all day, of course, replaying past conversations, imagining new ones, and I'm just thinking, just thinking, he's helped me a lot with things, but now, it's like I don't have real psychological issues (well, ok, shut up) I more just need a friend to talk to, like ELENA, who went off to a fancy school and is never around, but is right, is right, Elena is ALWAYS right, and she told me I wouldn't rest til I had him (or knew for sure I couldn't) and that I'm just dicking around wasting my time and is she right?? Because without J maybe I'd go out more, maybe I'd like some of these guys, maybe I'd start building something somewhere somehow, maybe it's really just UNHEALTHY. An obsession.

But I love Julian. And now... it's just changed between us... and I don't know what will happen, and right now I'm confused and LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY-

And the minute I sat down just now I had to go move my clothes into the dryer and it made me cry.