DRUG LABEL: WARNING: Do not feed the animals.

It's so tempting to go purchase and ingest a large quantity of drugs right now.

So tempting yet not tempting at all.

That's what I've been doing, for the past couple weeks, if we're gonna call a spade a spade here.

I don't even like drugs of any kind. I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Horrific timing as always, making the noggin' null and void right before a bargeful of shows, the onslaught of school, right at the very moment in life to buck the fuck up, right when right now truly calls from some grace...

Right at the moment I'm drooling over a cigarette typing in tongues.

Ugh.

Gross.

But, no one has to know about this, because I kept my own personal ass pretty much entirely in the doma. No Sid to my fucking Nancy.

The headmath just kinda went something like this-- "Well," it went, "Well! You're not gonna be able to talk to him for a few months, and this is gonna put you out for at least a day or two..."

Wrong.

The stuff, well first of all it made me write him. Like, the Devil LITERALLY made me do it.

And it made me sit and think and wank and cry about him all by my lonesome for COUNTLESS fucking hours...

And then the Killyourself factor significantly spiked, when it wore off.

And it's not even fun.

Who LIKES that shit???

And now, here I am, 80 bucks leaner, two-weeks older, none-the-wiser, and really, no closer to the expiry date of Significant Time passage as I HAVE been communicating, and rather hysterically, at that.

Well. All very good for the art. But seriously. No more. Totally gross. Ugh.

blablablablabla

ok
this stupid see-saw is almost totally broken and i'm about to fall off for real

fall off the couch

i'm done with this

done with this delusion

i hate him

i scraped my knee on the splintery wood

i'm getting nauseous

i'll probably keep swinging for a while but i really shouldnt

Weight.

I can tell it's
Winter, by the size of
The lump in my throat,
Gotta lump in my throat.

I'm frustrated today, I'm a rusted wheel.

I just, did everything, from the moment I got up I've been going, and save for the orgasmic endorphin rush I got after running 5 mi and my Power Yoga routine, it's all been really kind of frustrating. I just did errands and bought stuff and washed the house and gave Madeline a bath and played with Madeline and put my own ass in the shower and then caught up on e-mails and some phone calls and even gave Facebook a 5 minute nod and everything takes so LONG and I've just been on the verge of tears.

I did well last night at work... Couple regulars, one of whom I went out with a couple times, and liked, but like, not ENOUGH, but quite a bit. And sorta blew off. But I like him. I don't know and another guy I've gone out with, music industry guy, wanted to go out tonight and I said rain-check partly because quite honestly it is raining and I've had such a damn long day just catching up with myself, or trying, and though, partly it was because I'm seeing Julian early tomorrow and I, I always do this, if a guy wants to take me out, and I'm seeing J soon, I make it for after... Like because something might happen? And because it's so primarily on my mind?

And I've been thinking about him all day, of course, replaying past conversations, imagining new ones, and I'm just thinking, just thinking, he's helped me a lot with things, but now, it's like I don't have real psychological issues (well, ok, shut up) I more just need a friend to talk to, like ELENA, who went off to a fancy school and is never around, but is right, is right, Elena is ALWAYS right, and she told me I wouldn't rest til I had him (or knew for sure I couldn't) and that I'm just dicking around wasting my time and is she right?? Because without J maybe I'd go out more, maybe I'd like some of these guys, maybe I'd start building something somewhere somehow, maybe it's really just UNHEALTHY. An obsession.

But I love Julian. And now... it's just changed between us... and I don't know what will happen, and right now I'm confused and LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY-

And the minute I sat down just now I had to go move my clothes into the dryer and it made me cry.