Beautiful calm driving.

P called me while I was at work, I finally just got myself to GO.

I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.

What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.

So that's where I'm at.

But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.

I'm gonna do it.

I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.

And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.

The Touching Rule.

so on friday

i went in

at 2 and... i told him cam called me, that we watched a movie, he said oh which one is cam again, .......the model...
--Oh right, that dreams big.
.......Right.. He's really really sweet to me, he still calls me, you know, i like that, i like when guys are persistent, and show me they like me, it's a turn on... Yeah i mean, it's like, it's always been the way everyone i dated was, they were always like someone i knew for a while, that wore me down eventually with persistence..
--Well, now do you think that this passive approach is something we should look at?
.....I was just saying i LIKE when men are STRAIGHT FORWARD
--Right, right, i see that, but for example, with...?
......CAM.
--With Cam, you had expressed that you found him... irritating... so, I guess that's changing?
......It's just a quality I LIKE.
--Oh, okay, okay. So it's a quality you like.
......I mean some guys play these like childish mindgames.....
--How do you mean?
......How do I mean.
--Are you going to elaborate on that?
......Playing DUMB is one way they do it.
--What do you mean by that?
......HAH!
--What, what is it?
......Okay... Hey I made you a CD.
--Oh, right, yes,
......Here.
--Thank you-
......You have to tell me what that means, it's 'I only want to play' right?
--'I only want to walk,' literally, but metaphorically, yo solo quiero caminar por la vida, it means walking through life,
......It's gypsy music, it's like yo solo quiero caminar!
-- Ahhh... and wow, this one, this was like my theme song in college, in Minnesota, I used to listen to it over and over in the car...
......Oh! Really! Well of course it was...
--Mmhmm.. and this one is-
......I have this new computer so I like making-
-- Uh huh, right. Well. Thank you, I'm-
......Oh, is that necessary?
--Is what?
......Never mind. I told you I forgot my co-pay?
--Oh, yes, that's fine, you can bring it next week, or next time. Yes? I saw a brief flash of the Pensive Look-
......Yes, that old Pensive Look, J.
--Yes...
......YOU'VE got the Pensive Look. J... How are you?
--I'm good, hah, how are you?
......I don't want to go to this wedding.
--Oh, no? You don't want to make Amenz (quoting from my last e-mail making fun of AA traditions)?
.......No, I don't.
--Because you're mad at Laura?
.......She, like, doesn't like me anymore.
--And do you like her?
.......I always LIKED her, she was my friend, I mean through Manny..
--So you like him, so you should go for him.
.......Yeah.
--It's just, an hour and a half for a wedding isn't really prohibitive, the fact that you included that, it sounded a little compensatory.
....... I don't want to go alone..
--Why don't you bring Jo? That's a plus one?
......Yeah! I should totally... Julian.
--What?
.......I know, these rules, but, like, you're acting like...
--I'm acting like what?
.......You're trying to avoid, like, a flame. Jumping back away from a flame.
--What do you mean?
.......Can I look at your hand?
-- Look at my hand?
.......Other hand. And you're repeating everything I'm saying, J.
--Sorry, I don't understand..
.......WHAT don't you understand?
--I don't understand what you want.
........You DON'T?
--No.
.......
--How's the drinking?
......Guess.
-- Okay, I'd guess, there has been some drinking. Last night?
......You mean when I was with Cam? Or when I was writing you?
--Well you tell me.
......I was writing you while I was with Cam.
-- Okay, so, you were with Cam, and you were writing, and you were drinking?
......Bingo.

I took his left hand with my right hand. He grabbed my wrist with it. I held his hand down with my left hand. We were frozen like that for a second. And he was staring at me.

He loosened his grip on my wrist, and I let go with my right hand. And kept my left on top of his.

He dropped it down onto my knee.

I pressed it down onto my knee and pushed it up my thigh a fraction of an inch.

And he squeezed it for a second.

And I went: GASP.

And he pulled back, and folded his arms and looked at me.

And I looked at him. And he said-

Did you want to read my palm or something?

And I said, Yes.

And he said, I don't really believe in that... Do you?

I said, I think you believe in it.

And he said, Really?

And I said, Yeah... I think you do...

And he said, Well, maybe I do... But you didn't answer my question. And I would like to try and... I think we should probably, enforce some of these rules.

I said, Okay... And I was still barely breathing... and I said, Is it time to go?

He said, Do you want to go?

I have to use the restroom. I'll see you... um... on...

Wednesday, unless you don't mind being on call, for Tuesday--

Sure, I'll be on call, whatever, I'll be on call...

Are you okay?

I'm fine Julian I'll see you Tuesday...

And I walked RIGHT INTO the door.

Cam

I spent Thursday night with Cam...

He's so gorgeous, just a drop-deader, he's a model and he was on this tv show... When I go out with him everybody looks at us, and he's really sweet to me, he always has been, and he's funny too... I feel like he tries a little hard sometimes, and sometimes he doesn't know how to act and like, treat women, like when Elena was here, and I wanted her to meet him, cuz we were sort of kind of briefly dating, and he invited us to watch UFC at this sports bar with his friends... and she was totally like "Ugh, what kind of MAN was that, he didn't even buy me a DRINK, he sat over THERE, what WAS that?" and, I agree with her, but it's not THAT big of a deal, he's only 25... I NEVER date someone who's not even a couple years older than me, NEVER, but, I probably SHOULD. All the men I'm attracted to, that are way older than me, and I feel like, it's partly a maturity thing, but it's also just a physical thing, like, an AESTHETIC thing, like, it's also just FASHION-- are MARRIED. Cuz if they're not, by that age, they're usually a little weird... I mean there are tons of exceptions, but, often, that is often the case.

Cam's kind of in my scene, in my industry, and he's smart, he has a soul, just a weird way of expressing it sometimes, I mean it's just old asshole guy habits, but he's never an asshole to me.
He still calls me too, it's been more than a year and we've stayed friends, even though I've like flaked off and so has he... But he called me Thursday just out of the blue.

We had coffee, and talked about stuff, and I told him how no one ever sees my apartment, and he said Well you never invite me up, and I said Come up! And he said Ok I'm going to go write for a little bit... and I had to meet the director of this movie I'm doing... basically playing myself, haha... and then I called him and he brought over this crazy hot movie, and we watched it together on my little twin bed. I went to Bed Bath and Beyond before he came over too to get new sheets cuz mine were just old and gross... And then we went for a drink, and he was really hilarious talking about people at the bar... and we did the drunken thing where you meet some random woman and her gay friend from Spain and like exchange numbers and never talk to them... and then we got some gross little tacos from 7-11 and he walked me home...

ESPeezy

I gave Julian the CD, two of the songs on it were like his theme song at some point in life that he would listen to over and over in the car. :-0

Questionnaire for an Absentee Lover

Are you sleeping right now?

Where?

Do you have a TV in your bedroom?

What do you watch?

When do you see all these movies?

How come you're so beautiful?

When was the last time you were on an airplane?

When was the last time you were in the ocean?

When was the last time you saw the sun rise?

What happened to the Paris pamphlet?

Which side of the bed do you like?

Scotch or gin?

Red or white?

Zippers or laces?

Blu-Ray or DVD?

Mashed, whipped, roasted, baked, or fried?

Earliest childhood memory?

Death by fire or drowning?

Cryptography or Robotics?

Time-Travel or Shapeshifting?

Invisibility Cloak or Flight?

Chess or Scrabble?

Photos or Mirrors?

Blackjack or Roulette?

Jack Nicholson or Jack Nicholas?

Dublin or London?

Now or Never?

Black or White?

In or Out?

Yes or No?

Solo Quiero Caminar Playlist

SOLO QUIERO CAMINAR

01 Solo Quiero Caminar - Paco de Lucia
02 Jolene - Dolly Parton
03 Dirtywhirl - TV on the Radio
04 California Dreaming - The Mamas and the Papas
05 Soft - Kings of Leon
06 Playhouses- TV on the Radio
07 Ulysses - Franz Ferdinand
08 Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
09 Honey White - Morphine
10 Hang Me Out to Dry - Cold War Kids
11 So Real - Jeff Buckley
12 Plasticities - Andrew Bird
13 Dreams - Cranberries
14 Djoba Djoba - The Gipsy Kings


Oh yea. I'm proud of this one. Load it up.

don't read- just old jotting

I'm wretchedly lonely and it's all my doing, I know how to change it, I'm blessed and fortunate, all my suffering is self-inflicted, yadiya-da.

I could write about more interesting things too like this THING I'm doing or this stuff I got or these thoughts I have but I wanna write about Julian Darcy and I will. And I don't wanna talk about him with anyone anymore, so this is my platform. I DON'T wanna hear that this is getting crazy, going on like this, I'm stupid, I'll just get hurt, or I'm imagining things, or I'm being diddled around.

My life, my highway, my exits, if I'm sacrificing love, human connection, affirmation, affection, friendship, society, recognition, support, physical contact, and twelve kinds of everything for the right to do what I want without constant criticism, then I will at least exercise that right. And own the shit.

At some point a couple weeks back I changed my bio on Facebook to "My blowoff list is getting really long."

And then on electricsupersex day Julian started bringing up Facebook out of the blue; we've never talked about it, and he kept saying stuff about it, and then I didn't realize it 'til later and then I wrote him an e-mail making all these jokes about it like all "Hmmm, you were talking about Facebook maybe you can help me out here, cuz I thought it was private but I guess it isn't, hmm? ;-)"

And then last week he goes, How's your blow-off list doing?

And then on Tuesday we were talking, after that truth-or-dare session where he referred me to the doctor. So we were talking, and then a little pause and then he looks at me and goes, So, have you made plans to call A-----?

And I just kinda smirked. And then he did too. And then I went, Hah, ah, not yet... And he goes, Right, it's one of those things, where, do you call when everything's calm and under control, to be prepared for an emergency or, do you wait until you're in the middle of a crisis? ...I'd opt for the latter.

And I laughed.

And when I was leaving I was putting my shoes on very slowly. And he was standing trying not to watch or to pretend not to watch or to pretend to pretend not to watch (because we're on High Convolution) and I said, I realized I have the same shoe size as Emmy... It's great...

And he said, So you can trade... for big events?

Badam ching.

He'd told me about this movie Chungking Express, ages ago. I finally watched it and it was just gorgeous. And mostly about this couple... that obsess about each other, but don't really get together, but sort of always just miss each other (which is ALSO what that book, well the author I met who I asked to change the ending... well that's about that too)... So we were talking about it and he was saying,

"When I saw it, the quality was really bad, like the audio and everything, but I stayed with it, because the MOVIE was so good. I just I knew you'd like it. You know, like, if they're doing that over there too... All these lonely people, obsessing... (laugh) She would go and clean his house right?... But they never went out... Like she only wanted to love him from afar....."

And I said, "Well, until the END..."

And he said, "Right, until the end."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd sent him a conversation I had with someone, just something I thought was funny, I just copied and pasted this AIM conversation, cuz it was something I'd complained about people doing. And now he asks me about the person every time, cuz he thought it was really funny too. So he asks me, "How's Alex?" And I say like, "SAME." And I say, "I can only imagine what it's like for you here, I mean when people just keep, like, just sit here like, 'My house keeps burning down, I don't know what to do, it just keeps burning down on me..." And he was laughing.

These were some awesome times I made him laugh even though he didn't want to:

When I told him my psych class was in the bowling alley.

A couple other things I told him about that class. He acts like he doesn't want to encourage my
whining about it but I keep making fun of it until he cracks.

Way long time ago when he was saying something about "I don't want you to start restraining yourself" and I said "I HAVE to restrain myself," like stone-cold serious.

When I told him about the dancer who said "Everybody in here done fucked up somewhere along the way."

When I was talking about Alex and her car down in Miami and finally was just like "cuz she's- cuz she's Fucked Up."

When I talked about splurging on clothes and how I didn't feel bad about it because there's no reason I should be in "shoes that make me wanna die." ....Because see, he has this thing about shoes too. He hates uncomfortable shoes, it was almost the reason he became a psychologist instead of a lawyer. And I used to complain about shoes all the time. Back in the day when I'd come in and give him a full standup/sitdown routine.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

He looked really so pretty on Tuesday, not like how you'd think the father of a newborn would look at all. He looked like he slept 10 hours on a bed of clouds. I said, "You don't look terribly tired..." And he paused for a while and said he had a lot of coffee.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That Friday two weeks ago that he made me blow up and lose it and do drugs and jumpstart my brain over the whole weekend, when I said, Julian, you are flirting with me and he said........... And I said, And, it's just, I mean, unless I'm completely- am I misreading everything? And he said, I think you're misreading me. And I said, Oh really. And he said. He looked at me and he said, see now I don't know what to do when you look at me like that... I mean do you want me to look away?

And I said, no.

And he said, Okay. Well I don't know how to be more clear. We have very specific boundaries. We never touch. Right?

But I wasn't listening, I was stewing....

And then I wrote him all these e-mails and then he called and was awkward and angry and I canceled the appointment and he hung up on me and then he called me again and I asked for the appointment back and he said he didn't know but if I could be on call and of course I said yes and he said thank you and then of course he couldn't make it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So we talked about this maybe once-a-week thing... and then yesterday he said okay so we're on for Friday and then the following Friday- and he paused as he knew I was thinking WhataboutmyTuesday. and he said and if you want another appointment somewhere in between we can, I have court on Tuesday...... and I said Oh...

And then he told me all about his forensics stuff, his depositions, vividly and humorously and wittily describing the whole process, and he was just enchanting. Just enchanting. It's kind of like a debate and the other side he says is often the same person, and the council on that side is really good, because he's defending someone against a big corporation's insurance company usually, and their witnesses are these old, distinguished, huge professor somewhere-types and they're saying just patently false things... and he said, "I don't have issue going up against someone with more credentials than me when I'm just telling the truth..."

havent posted in a while. feel quite awful. end.

Hello, my name is Scarlet, and I'm agoraphobic.

Haven't left the doma in another 48. Sick, this is sick.

It's not as if I'm bored or anything. But the paralysis. I don't know. It's just getting a little scary. I just... I thought I'd do something today. And I didn't.

A bit of piano, schoolwork-which I had to do-and online chat, but, fuck the silence.

UM

Today I shifted forward in my seat slightly to sit up a little straighter because I felt I was slouching and you INSTANTLY retreated and moved your entire chair back, and I even INSTANTLIER heaved myself over to the VEEEERY end of the couch away from you and just shook my head and scoffed, midway through my sentence, and i didn't even look up at you as I did it, or after I did it, or move back, I just went right on talking and not looking at you, as we played Chicken, and it was like playing with a sign that said "Don't Play Chicken With Cars. The Cars Will Win." And it was, okay, how far are we gonna take this okay, Dare! Dare! Dare! DARE. DARE.

Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....

Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.

I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.

Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.

Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.

There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?

Um... well...

I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.

I am!

Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?

Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?

::smirk:: I mean if you are, I haven't heard anything about them.

::stifled smirk:: Really?

Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?

Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...

I see. Is that getting worse?

::nod:: Yes.

Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--

BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,

Can I see that book by the way?

Here--- ::gives it:: For example, I read this and it was so obvious to me what the shape was about. And everyone was like, Oh that ending was such a copout! And I was just like, no, I mean, that was the entire POINT, and-- that's not the one I wanted to give you-- that's the one I'm talking about now--

I know. ::reading in the middle::

Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...

::as though not listening. Beat. Gives back book.::

SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.

::nodding:: So...?

So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...

Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.

Ah- right... Yeah.

But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--

Ha!

Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---

::::::tone break, as J describes his shrink friend and why they like each other, emphasis on individual strengths... expounds on history of certain Central Asian country genocide and residual resultant cultural side effects... S laughs, waxes pharmaceutical, ties to Psych class, tonight's exam at bowling alley. J gets a helluva kick out of this. Apologizes for laughing. ("I'm sorry it's just... It's just surreal, actually, it's really Napoleon Dynamite, I mean the test at the bowling alley? Naturally! Sorry for making light of it... What? Is there a malevolent subtext I'm missing?") ::::::::::::::

So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?

Um...

I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...

Well...

Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--

Okay. Okay.

Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::

:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?

Yes?

Can you give me his number?

Sorry?

The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?

Oh, sure.....


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sex List

I'm gonna give another nod to gabbyfox my blogger crush- hey Gabby I'm sorry for misspelling your name before I'm like LD and all that, and for ripping off things you've said twice, and now three times, I always cite, but you're like- in my dreams I am the slutty uneducated you- and, faced with the dilemma of do I want to be with you or do I want to BE you I opt for the former. truly. imitation is the most sincere form of... you get it.

but anyway. here i take inventory of men and stuff. cuz it seems like a good idea.

so i dunno i guess from like, new years on? I was

1- In Cabo with M, known him for years but, took me to Cabo, luxury everything, gave me money, paintings, flowers, wanted me to "be [his] girl" and "my girl would never have to work." SIGH. Blew him off, in Julian's office, during a session, via text, as J dictated, and I, verbatim, transcribed.

2- Hmmm does anyone else remember?? God, is this a list of people I've kissed or who've asked me out or people I've slept with only?? I'm gonna wing it...... Eamonn. The Homeless Professor. See Homeless Professor blog for details. Musician, professor, host of open mic where I performed regularly, attractive, and homeless.

3- Ummm, married obnoxious TV writer whose show just got canceled and who reads this blog. Dude. Your WIFE to whom you were supposedly estranged texted me pretending to be YOU. We just kissed though. Yeah you thought I was gonna let you in my apartment after you took me to a bar one night? Whaddya nuts?

4- Well, consistently, and an awesome person, it's just sex, pretty regularly, my f-buddy, P. And actually, we talk about serious stuff. We're there for each other and he helps me w/ rent. No. I am not a hooker, thanks. We were dating normally. And then all this stuff happened. And now he has a girlfriend, who I like a lot, but still wants to see me and he's smart and really funny and just has his shit together and helps pay my rent. SORRY PEOPLE. It's like, EVOLUTIONARY PSYCHOLOGY 101.

5- Ummm, oh. VampirefromRomania who I was in love with and ended being an ass. I forgot what everybody's fake name was if I even gave them one. I don't even know if I wrote about him. That was like a month ago. Well we first met in October at the club. I REALLY liked him. And then he went back to Transylvania. And I waited and waited. And when he came back I was overit. I'm very attracted to him, we relate, I trust him cuz he's a thug and a vampire, he gets my music, he can be a child, he's not good in bed, and it didn't happen this time. End of story.

*Edit- 8- DATERAPE NECRO GUY

6- Zillionaire M who I was seeing but never even really kissed. Blew him off recently. Apologized but still haven't gotten together again...

7- Seven, one, infinity. JD. Never touched. Had telepathicroomsex.

Sooooooo.. actually slept with three people this year. Soulcount: Three also, but a different three.

More Weird Writing and Magic Stuff...

I wrote A------ the author I love who I met a little while ago at the reading just now. Cuz it's his book that made my life go like it did. The one of his I read about, well it was this totally similar situation to what I've been going through.

At the reading he told me he'd considered different endings... So I just wrote him to see if he still has them if he could send me one cuz my life needs to imitate it... So's he said he's gonna look for them though they're not good, which is why he didn't choose them, and I said I know the shape he chose was the most beautiful and it might be the most beautiful lifeshape for me too but there are some differences that change some things... but yeah... hopefully he can help me.

Writing as changing the course...

Writing as magic... as the power to manifest destiny.

I've had some great suggestions from many of you to make this into a book, and one offered the added bonus that I can have it end how I like. And I've realized, that everything I wrote became something real, and everything real became something I wrote, and that, I've always been able to MANIFEST... when I dream of things happening they do... that's how I've done all this stuff... but I'm not... I'm a mess and I'm spacey and flighty and have in the past wanted some pretty dark things, and to be in some pretty bad situations, and with the good things I only wanted a taste... not to follow through and do the work... so... you know it doesn't become... but... that's the thing...

The wise thing to do right now, would be to write this blog, as if it's really happening, but to write what I want to happen instead. And then it will. Then I'll do it.

I just... I don't know what I want... I don't like to plan and... I don't know if it's the right time-- as I'm composing this symphony, for triumphant horns, cymbals, strings, for clearly the last movement, or for the diminuendo, the flutes, the quiet, relaxing pastoral movement.

So I just don't know???

i am so horribly fucking sad at night, at night, yeah, so much better after 6.3 days.. so much better when its a slicing pain instead of a stabbing pain, when the sun burns like a keyhole to hell that sinks like a stone along with everything thats ever dawned on you. and I NEED =; )] and im sick of it.

this is my post-7 miles jogging+1 mile sprinting+1 mile cooldown walk-CRASH. im concerned ive lost it, really just finally lost it. gde sumaseycho dom? vot gulayom...

i am still in the springtime of his voodoo insofar that im consistently selfloved (not like that. weaksynonym: imok, strongsynonym: innerstrong, antonym: selfloathed) and i think he gave me a permanent supergift with that though i realize, i've always had a love-love relationship with my body, a love-hate relationship with my brain, and my poor heart is just neglected. and my Seeing Eye is selfmocked, ignored, appreciated, hidden, shamed. and all the seers off themselves.

so now I've got wallace, wallace, dreams of =; )], myself and some enthusiasm for, some famous people i'll be working with and... modeling again and... and all i wanna do is write, and i guess this is IT, right? if you're pursuing this? this is what you DO? this is FINE... i'm not a loserlazyslacker, not REALLY....... just lonely that's all.

Okay. It's getting really unbearable now.

I'm so lonely.

I was thinking.. I was thinking my clean clean kitchen that nobody's ever seen.

I can't live like this.

Hot, Hot Summer

It's so hot. Really it's not even hot, it's just the sun through my windows of my clean, clean apartment. In the horizon of the clear blue. Like a sneaky keyhole to hell.

It's so clean. The cleaning ladies came yesterday and they did a fantastic job. Word from the wise, to the wise, or others: Get a cleaning lady. A filthy apartment is a depressive agent, and one's own apartment is inscrutably difficult to clean... I personally find myself repeatedly and frequently distracted by every object with which I come in contact. Oh-- this old thing! Oh-- I should alphabetize these! Oh-- I haven't read this in months! Do I need this? And cetera. I wouldn't even know where to begin. And so easily remedied this problem. One of the best investments one could make. So. It's sparkling clean. It makes me feel better.

And I didn't even have to store Madeline anywhere... The women that came yesterday were cool and pretty and they did awesome. The ones I got the last time sucked. I'D done better. But yeah.

Sigh. I'm reading my favorite book again. Of course I forgot how good it was... It's over a grand pp long... I'm tired and...

School's almost over... I'm probably gonna do pretty well... It's COMMUNITY COLLEGE and I only took two classes so it's kinda like I better do well... But still, it was hard to manage, caused all this stress and... It's still an accomplishment... Just to get it done with... I kinda doubted I could, and they were valid concerns because it's quite possible I won't finish even these two classes and if I do it'll be by the skin of my teeth, so I'll be satisfied.

I have a cool gig. It's a movie. I'll be playing a stripper. Heh. Small thing, but... still... I know a lot of people wanna do this kind of stuff so it's hard to get these gigs.

I always think of the years starting and ending in June, because that's when school was over... So I'm looking back on this year like, What?

I don't know what to make of it.

I have nothing to say for myself. My coffee in the heat. Not steaming or cooling.

I HATE Facebook.

No, I really fucking hate Facebook. I'm not even exaggerating. It's fucked up.

I thought I had-- I did have-- I DO have-- my privacy settings all set to Friends Only. All of them, everything, NOTHING says Everyone, and NOTHING says Friends of Friends.

And yet:

APPARENTLY, the interests, and About Me, and a lot of other shit is public. And I can't fix it. And ya know what made me check???

Dr JD totally FB stalked me.

The Scarlet's OK List

1. I'm a good writer-- I mean it's convoluted, the content is self-absorbed, it's repetitive and indulgent and boring, but it's okay.

2. I'm a good dancer.

3. I can take care of myself, to some degree, I can pay my bills and get dressed in the morning- albeit in old torn up dirty clothes sometimes.

4. I don't talk SHIT about people. Anything I ever say that sounds like a criticism is something I have or will share with them personally.

5. I'm pretty good about running.

6. Somehow I've kept a lot of friends for a really long time.

7. I am honest.

8. Boys think I'm pretty. ... I know that's not really a good quality in some people's opinions, but I think it is with other people I mean I value it in others, and, I mean it's still... well maybe it doesn't count. I don't know. I'm just running out here. I want to make 10 things.

9. 8. I'm good to my cat, she's the happiest cat around, and she loves me. Ohgod I'm crying.
10. One more thing. One more thing. Two, if 8 doesn't count... but I can't think of two. I can't think of one.

9. OH. Okay. I've read a lot of books. And I really, really... Wait ok...

10. I really really love with all my heart.

My Pantyhose are Inside-Out.

I went to a shrink and I lost my goddamn mind.
I told him it was over and he asked me to stay.
I told him I was leaving and he hung up the phone.

I went to a psychic and she asked me what to do.
I went to a psychologist and I helped him make sense of his life.
I decided to flirt for a living and then I paid a man for company, by the hour, for a year.

I moved to Hollywood and I never took another photo.
I moved to California and I lost my tan.
I moved to Hollywood and I realized I have a brain.

I bought a computer and it added up to nothing.
I never work and I always have money.
I've exposed everything and nobody has any clue where I've been.

I finally accepted that I've just been having a WANK- but someone was right there when I opened my eyes.
And every step of the way everybody told me I was dreaming and every step of the way it had all been very, very real.

My friend bought me this book and suddenly it changed everything.

I kept so many people's secrets I forgot which ones were mine.
I kept so many secrets I forgot which ones were mine.
I kept so many secrets I forgot which ones were mine.

Welcome to my life.

It's nothing but French curls and crazy circles here.

I had to reboot; all this wiring, it wasn't for naught, but tangles and tangles for too long and you're stuck with a head full of dreads.

Black and white thinking is common in Borderline types, but you seem to forget that some things just are black and white.

You understand me or you don't.

You're with me or you're not.

You can or you can't.

This is a symphony or it's not.

Everything I own is absolutely filthy fucked. Everything I own is covered in cat hair. Everything I own is covered in the dust of ideas I had and tears I shed while I was writing Act II. Everything I wrote became real, and everything real become something I wrote.

What did you do today? I waited and waited and waited.

Brrrring brrrring.

I was not expecting a call today... Or ever... And yet:

S: Who's this?

J: Hi, Scarlet, it's Julian..

S: Oh.. Hi...

J: Hi...

S: ................................

J: I was just calling to see how you're doing...

S: That's generous.

J: Scarlet.

S: ..................................

J: You've written some really--

S: Oh, yeah, I wanted to take back a whole bunch of things.

J: The good things or the bad things?

S: The bad things. I just. I see it all now, I see it all from you perspective.

J: You do?

S: No.

J: (laughs.) Well... There are some issues between us that have come up, that we haven't addressed, and I think we should, I just wanted to get a fair chance to.

S: Right now?

J: No, not right now--

S: WHEN.

J: Are you coming in this week?

S: Yes... Though it's going to all start getting very expensive at the end of the month isn't it?

J: We can sort that out, we can work something out, I--

S: It will still be expensive.

J: It will be fine.

S: I can't AFFORD IT-

J: It's not an ISSUE, Scarlet.

S: ...................................................................................

J: So I'll see you... on Tuesday? Or Friday?

S: Friday..

J: Okay.




.............................................................SIGH..............................................................

I was on the phone with him. He was cold. I asked him if everything was okay with his family. He sounded annoyed at this. He only had a few minutes as always. All he talked about was costs and insurance and how we could try once weekly and then go back to twice if I wanted to and he wouldn't let me speak and I had written him I wanted to cancel Tuesday and just see him Friday next week (though I don't know if I'll want to see him Friday but it's an easier transition and... I might...) but he kept cutting me off and saying so okay think about what you'll want to do, and then Tuesday, and I'd say No, it's-- and he'd cut me off, talking about his deposition which might run late but Here's what we'll do, I'll confirm by 11, but I don't like to leave you hanging, but I just can't guarantee, and I started to say, It's fine I'll just- and he said, Unless you WANT to just wait til Friday, and I said, yes, and he said Okay, okay, so think about what you'll want to do, as far as twice a week, or once a week, and let's just plan on Friday.

One thing: My promise to you. To all of you. Is I am not writing him. I am not writing him anymore.

Warning: Freeway ends in 15 miles.

Don't worry. Game over. If you can't end it, I can end it. The screen really is broken. I'm fucked up, my heart is broken, it really is your fault, it's not your fault, who cares. Who cares. I don't need you, I don't need anyone, I don't have anyone, I have my books and something to type on and pills to take and a plot to fill somewhere in Pennsyltucky.

I was a nice diversion for you-- you helped me, I'm not saying you didn't, I don't want to be hurtful, though I'm your patient and I can't possibly hurt you because I'm just this little rusted wind-up toy that you can fix or fail to fix, or very easily break if you're careless.

You have all the things you want or need to make a full, perfect life, and sometimes that gets boring doesn't it, and isn't it kinda cool to have the weird girl like you and doesn't it kinda remind you how special you are? And you've taken all the necessary precautions to excuse yourself from any liability. You've said very clearly that you don't want her. Kind of anyway. You're not liable. So you can, enjoy each others company, enjoy her adoration, and the stubborn wishes hiding behind recollections of the preceding days.

Now you're saying you have no feeling, except intellectual connection, and it's a blatant contradiction, but you've been very careful with your words, so you ask me to give you specifics, and I'm at a loss.

And today you brought up my expectation, that if there's an attraction, even if it's mutual-- "which it- which... which I don't think is the case here," it must be acted upon, said it's something that we should look at, thus implying that said expectation is, stems from something unhealthy, could be damaging, is unrealistic. And I understand that you are married, and have a family, and have probably felt attracted and connected with other people (though I know, not in this case) before and it has been mutual and though you would never act on it you could both appreciate it for what it was, and see the value and the beauty in just that. You have about twelve personalities after all, I'm sure some of them relate to different people.

But, I am not. And for me, to be, as you say, infatuated, with someone for, what is it now, October November December January February March April and, get in line, May, the better part of a year, is different than a little diversion is for you. And I am not calling our relationship a little diversion, and I know it's not just that to you, and I know that you genuinely care, but on some level, that's what it is. Right?

Though I can appreciate it as that. I can see the value and the beauty in it. I can. It's just that right now, it ISN'T that. To me. Right now. And you know it.

And then you compare my feelings for you, to your feelings for this woman, that you were going to MARRY, that left you for the wrong reasons... Right? It's just a strange comparison to make, in light of the situation. It's just not the comparison, not the comparison that would paint my position into the corner it's in. It's not the comparison about being infatuated, not in love, but infatuated, with someone who never had any interest in you, with whom you ultimately fostered a healthy, platonic, mutually beneficial and beautiful non-physical relationship. THAT would be the appropriate comparison. Wouldn't it. Not the love of your life. That you never spoke to again. Which makes me think that maybe you just wanted to talk about it with someone who would understand. And I'm honored to be that person to you. And maybe I'm just reading way too much into it, but you're casting yourself as the person who left for the wrong reasons. Telling someone about a broken heart is one very good way to secure your place in theirs.

So it makes me think, you want to be here, you want to be here for me, you want to help me, you know I have to get over you, you don't really know how to facilitate that beyond what you've said already, so though you're aware on some level that you're just drawing me in, you can't stop it, and you are just waiting for me to reach my breaking point and leave, and maybe come back, and maybe not, and I'm drawing you in too, but you like it, and you're sick of it, but you like seeing me, and you're just not really doing anything and you are busy and busier and the more stressed you are the more your mind wanders to a ranch in Arizona or a spaceship cruising through the stratosphere, or being a priest like you thought about when you were a little kid. Or all the fantasies and follies you could have fostered (by the way I'm sure your writing would have been really good, if you tried it, somewhere other than your psychology papers) and all the doors you've had to shut as you merged into different lanes, down different highways, speeding here, gridlocked there, too pressed for time and concerned over the squabbling in the backseat to pause and listen to the radio and look out the window and see that the clouds are casting giant glorious shadows over the yellow yellow grass stretched before you heading North, into the mountains, that road stretches endlessly you know, it stretches up latitudes into farms, slopes, Bay area freaks, the Yakima valley, Washington wineries, places where it always rains, places where there's always sun, 22 hours a day in the summer, places made of snow, places so beautiful they'll make you cry before you die freezing, jawdropped forever, marveling at the world God made for us to live in. You can't just take off and head up there now can you.

I can though. And I will. And I'll be on that road alone one of these days, radio on, no one squabbling in the backseat. I'll tell you how it is.

I'll write you all about it.

Love

S

Tomorrow at 5.

So in response to my e-mails he moved my appointment from Friday at 2 to tomorrow at 6.

And had the secretary call me.

I like it. I like his style. We would've been awkward over the phone. He knows what he's doing. Hehe.

One more for good measure:

Sorry guys for the noise but this is kind of a really big deal. So here goes nothing.

To: Julian
From: Scarlet

No fear, no fear, no pretty words here.

I'm trying to be straight forward, and it's not in place of doing so when I speak to you, I'm just kind of organizing my thoughts in case I can't, when I mean to, which I don't think will happen, but God knows I have surprised myself in that regard. Too wordy already! I just want to reiterate it's hard for me to say because you've told me pretty much point blank that I'm wrong, and I think you meant it at the time or were playing a little, and maybe you're just playing now, I don't know, and really I enjoy the playing quite a bit so I'm not mad at it, but I'm not playing now, and it's not a joke, and I know what I feel, and I think I know what you feel, but I'm really not sure, but, I'm a big girl, right, and I can handle it, whatever it is, and I can understand it, and again, if I'm just incredibly wrong about everything that's okay too. Well, it's not exactly okay, but it is what it is, for lack of a better expression there. Sorry to put all of this rather serious conversation into an e-mail, but I have to get it down, and I want you to hear it, one way or another. Preferably not this way, preferably the other, but. Okay. That's all, got it.
<3 you, <3 and <3 to you, for you, that's all.

The Tipping Point

Okay folks. Here it is. We're at the peak. We're coming to climax. Aboard the Scarlet-on-the-Couch Ride here at Magic Motors Theme Spark. It's been a bumpy ride. And it's not over. No, ladies and gentleman, it ain't over til' it's over, and even then it ain't ever over. It's a path not a point. But we have come to a point. Where it's time to get a little serious now.

Time to get a little serious.

TO: Julian
FROM: Scarlet

its so hard to tell you things when.. ive spent so much time trying to convince myself of these other things do you know what i mean?? because of things you've said and because of... just, not wanting to be rejected... but, its crazy. hah. THATS whats crazy. trying to tell myself im crazy. is crazy. i need to talk to you like asap. ok. im done being vague and scared and i DONT know whats going on but im done not-asking you, and im done not-saying what i think, and what i feel, and what i want, in person instead of just in these emails... its just like you know i have no other way to reach you... so yeah call me when you can... ok... thank you julian....

night. unless you're still up. and talk to you tomorrow? ok ok.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, no more bullshit Scar, really. Buck up. It's time to get it going.

Brrrring brrrring.

(Brrrring Brrrring!)

Hello.

Hi Scarlet.

Hi.

So. What can I do for you.

What can you do for me...

Yes.

I just wanted to... talk to you I guess...

Anything in particular? I'm in the middle of some things...

Umm... No, no, I guess not.

Okay... (sigh.) Well... I guess we'll see each other on Friday?

Yes do you have any openings before then?

Oh, yeah, I'll see, I don't right now, but I can let you know if I do-

Please do...

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.


-----------GOD i'm such a CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!---------------------

666

OH. And it was 666. It really was. I said, Oh it wasn't really I just said that as a joke remember? And he said No but I think you were right. And he took out his calculator and did the math and it really was.

WARNING:

Do not, anyone, please, give me any advice right now. Please. Don't. Give me advice. Or anything that sounds even remotely close to being advice. Don't bring it up. Don't, anything. PLEASE. RESPECTFULLY. I DON'T want to talk about it. It's not up for discussion.

a) I KNOW
b) I DON'T CARE
c) Just, NO.

Scarlet gotta do Scarlet right now. I don't wanna hear it. It's nothing personal. It's just that I know. Okay? Okay. THANK YOU.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowlzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:57 PM, Scarlet O'Dwyer scarletonthecouch@gmail.com wrote:

por favor. if you can. im going to lie here face down til you do. but you wont will you. sadist. god i love you. well there goes my week. <3>

On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:51 PM, Julian Darcy Ph.D. julian@jdarcypsych.com wrote:

Scarlet,

I don't have any openings so I could do 1-2 minutes between sessions if its urgent. Let me know.

Thx,

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology, English and Spanish

www.jdarcypsych.com

Julian@jdarcypsych.com

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---

Date: Tue, 11 May 2010 13:23:04 -0700
Subject:
From: scarletonthecouch@gmail.co
To: julian@jdarcypsych.com

Can you please call me please? My head is going to explode. Say you can't if you can't. And I'll try to detonate the bomb. But if you can please... THANK-YOU J

---

Hotmail has tools for the New Busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox.

CrazyTelepathRoomSex

Oh, my dearest God. I just had crazy-telepath room-sex. With Julian. As he stared me down for an hour slightly smirking shifting his legs around close to me then back and biting his lip and I stared him back down and then he kept staring definitely winning the crazytelepathroomsex award and doing it veeeeeeeeery deliberately and asking me Aren't you going to verbalize what you're thinking and I said No and then I said I'm tense and then I said And you're making me tenser and he said How am I doing that and I said the way you're looking at me as he was looking me up and down and straight and enjoying the hell out of it as I squeezed my legs together and then his pillow and trembled and flushed and blushed into a sweat and said Ohgod and he said What and he would slowly ask me some question and watch as I blanked and sighed and whenever I talked about anything he deliberately looked bored and I just wrote him to please call me please and if he does what do I say. What do I say. What do I say. Hey Julian whaaaaaaaaatareyoudoing. What are you doing. If there's gonna be crazytelepathroomsex can you at least call me a cab after cuz I can't fuckin' drive right now thanks-much.

WHAT the F?????

Re:

Wheeeee. Hi beautiful. I almost made it. Without writing you since Friday... Just 10 hours to go.

But there are ghosts in here. Madeline sees them and I feel them. So I have to talk to you. Till they go away. I like seeing your name up there... In my Recipient line. To: To you. It's like a name from Jane Austen. I've told you before? It's unreal and unbelievable like you. Unreal and unbelievable. Somebody's sooooooooooo damn lucky.

I'm a bit intoxicated. I don't want to say too much here. I want to talk to you in person, with all the magic chemicals floating around between us, your blue and white and my red and blue shots of waterflames, watercolors bursting and blending at the midpoint and glowing indigo all over the room. Not in here, in the dark, with these silly ghosts in all the corners, trying to creep me out and capsize my dreams.

My dreams have been mixed and miscommunicated- I'm talking to you on the phone and the world's flying by, poorly edited jumpcuts, from the keys to the door to the road to the glare on the windshield to the bustling street to the hang-up to the wake-up and I'm getting upset and I'm watching myself say things I don't want to say and you hang-up. But they're just stressdreams. They're old-hat. The other dreams are beautiful, going up elevators made of glass, fast, overlooking skylines of the city. Have I said I like the way you dress. Ha.

I spent Saturday night after work tossing and turning for probably eight hours and I thought I hadn't slept but I woke from the dream and it was two in the afternoon. But I bucked up and got myself to work, and stayed there the three hours until I made up my outstanding balance to you and then I went home. Four sixteen.

Hey you know what's funny. It wasn't really four-sixteen. I mean it wasn't really six-six-six. It couldn't possibly be. I think it was six-sixty maybe. 660? It doesn't matter, but it's funny that you said that. You said six sixteen but you can keep the extra dollar... Like it was 666. ;-) Silly. It wasn't really, was it? Imagine.

What else is funny is that Madeline isn't really doing rooster-calls. That's just her voice. She's like Billie Holiday meets Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, with an Italian accent. I'll show you. I showed her those cats talking and she said, Boorrrrrg! ...I left it alone. What can you say to that, you know?

That's it. The ghosts are gone as far as I can tell. Good morning. See you in a few...

<3

On Writing.

To change it up, introspection:

I started doing this, this writing business, a few years ago, when I was 19, at the behest of my then-boyfriend. He was a writer. Is a writer still, I suppose, of plays and films and that was how I met him, I was in his thesis film for college, about junkies. It was fun, and kind of beautiful, and kind of incredibly self-indulgent. But I was really in love with him, and he was really... troubled... naturally, and jealous, and alcoholic, and depressed, and he projected, and decided I had issues and encouraged me to write. And he used to drink and moan about how difficult it was to write "the truth" and all his writing was alternately "shit" and then so brave, the tortured artist and his terrible, terrible adolescence in a typical WASP well-to-do Midwest household with a LOVELY mom who drank a little and a rebellious, charismatic, LOVELY older brother who dabbled in the punk scene, and a downright Leave it to Beaver dad. (They were all sincerely lovely people. I'm saying this to undermine his suffering. Hah.) Anyway, he encouraged me to "write it all down," "the truth," "dig deeper." "Dig deeper," he always said, always warning me about the tendency to shy from the truth and just write "bullshit." It was a condition of our relationship, that I wrote this hideous truth and bare my soul thus ridding myself of all the demons that were dragging us down.

Ironically, or maybe not, he would barely let me stay alone in his apartment for fear that I'd read his crap, about which I honestly couldn't give a flying fuck. He did it a few times, reluctantly, and I had no impulse. It didn't really interest me too much, and I'd read his plays, and it was private to him, and I respected that.

And the one time he stayed at my place when I went to work, I had a pit in my stomach a few hours after leaving. I called him and he told me, in a thick strange voice that he'd been sat there the whole time, reading my shit. I'd left my e-mail open. He read it all. Everything. My personal letters to everyone. To John. My doubts about him. Everything. There wasn't anything to really hide... it was just my thoughts, my voice, my SOUL that freaked him out. He left. I came home and my room reeked of smoke and I was just grossed out by everything about him, but I tend to cling onto people, and, I clung onto him, and we reconciled, on this condition that I "dig deeper" and write the truth. That he was always struggling to write, that ached him and scared him too much to confront...

And I wrote it, boy. No. Fucking. Problem. It was cathartic and exhilarating and put a Devil-may-care spring in my stride for a while, and I gave it to him to read, at his crappy day-job as a doorman downtown, and of course he didn't call me as I white-knuckled waited for him to do, and so I called him and he said--

"Well. It's not bullshit."

"No." I said. "And?"

And I don't remember what he said. He was probably silent for a while. We dissolved after that. I don't know where the hell he is.

COWARD.

COWARD. COWARD.

My writing has always gotten me into trouble. Okay, I'm an exhibitionist. And obviously it's not just the writing, it's dancing, it's across the board, it's music, it's my face on some screen, lighting someone's face at 3 a.m looking at some screen, warm in the glow of radiation.

But it's the writing that freaks people out. I think every boyfriend I've had, except Sean, has read it, my private correspondences, scoured the internet for old blogs, sat at my computer and opened up My Documents and helped them-goddamn-selves. And freaked out, and obsessed, and couldn't stop, and looked at me when I got home like "Who are you. Who are you. WHAT are you." And left, afraid of their shadows and out the door.

And not just boyfriends. Family members. Old classmates.

And it's flattering, huh. And it makes me nauseous.

And I'm driven, my whole existence, is driven by these conflicting impulses to lay it all out and spread it all out on a giant screen, and to guard my privacy at all costs.

And none of them could handle it. And none of them can handle me. And nobody ever can.

Passive Aggressive Response

BLOGGING: The Top 5 Worst.

5. Ironic comment-leavery: You don't gotta do that. Really. Is it strange not to want unpleasant criticisms of my lifechoices, my thinking, or my writing, on my own page? Call me a weirdo.

4. 3D-->0D Stalkery: If I made the mistake of sharing this link with you ages ago when I realized neither how personal it would be, nor how preposterous YOU would be, please don't.

3. Cyberoblivion: My own lack of awareness when writing that this particular here Diary is for the world's eyes only.

2. Cyberignorance: My inability to know who is going to read this, search this, memorize bits of this to bring up in conversation.

1. Ultimate High Self Absorbency Towelettes: Hey! Don't skim this looking for something about yourself! You're not in here! It's boring! You'll be bored out of your mind! My life is boring to you- and YOU. Are BORING. To ME. That's right. I'll prattle away all day about my fantasies sooner than write about those few dull hours I wasted listening to you bullshit about your accomplishments. So move it along, please.

Extra Credit: Why Am I Doing This Again, Anyway??? I really don't know. I am an exhibitionist. I guess. I like that lovely people and writers from out here are interested... I like that. Knowing that it's engaging enough to read sometimes. Makes me write more. But again- PLEASE- if you're a real-life person and any of the above objections ring a bell- just QUIT IT, will ya?? Or don't. Keep on keeping on...

...But know that I know you're doing it, and I think you're an ass, and if that's your passive-aggressive way to get on my nerves, this is my passive-aggressive response for you to F off. Cool? Cool.

Into It.

Again, I love my job.

Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can do well.

I went to this crazy taxidermy demonstration with Emily- she's always on some weird shit like that- and I was debating on going to work, because, well, the money wouldn't hurt, and getting out of the house wouldn't hurt, and sitting at home writing Julian e-mails on Saturday night probably would hurt somebody. But it was like ten to eight and I was still at the taxidermy thing up the straight getting a little antsy and a little nauseous, and Vinnie called me and said, "Casper!"- his new epithet for me, since I disappear all the time, hah- so I said, "Boo." So he laughed and then told me he would love it if I came in tonight if I needed to etc, so how could I say no. And I came in and didn't even go into the dressing room or talk to any girls and sat down and then went onstage and the cash just FLOWED its way onto me all night. I made up my large, large, large outstanding balance to J and then went home.

Man. If I made that much every night and worked like, three times a WEEK... I'd be flowing in it. Like... FLOWING in excess cash. Hahaha. But I feel like it doesn't work that way. Like the more you go in the less you make. For some reason. Just a matter of being over-it I guess.

But I was not over-it last night.

I was into it.

I love dancing. I love spinning. And twirling. And splits. And climbing up and hanging upside down and mouthing all the lyrics to all my songs and scooping up the dollars and throwing them over my head during the chorus.

And I love the mindblown dudes saying "I am here for joo, joo aarre so byoooteefull, what do joo need?"

And saying:

"Hmmm, a hundred? One of those twenties. Two, actually. And another beverage. Thanks much."

Scarlet-O's Fuck-Everything, Rainy-Day Set List:

1. Bone Machine- Pixies

2. Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z

3. On the Road Again- Bob Seger

4. Rock Me Baby- B.B. King

5. Creep- Radiohead

Friday at 6 45.

At 6:30 I flipped on his waiting room switch.

He opened the door at 6:45, smiling brilliantly. He gave me my movie. I give him his coffee.

"Thanks," he said.

"Tell me if it's-- are you with someone right now?"

"No, not for a few minutes, do you want to come in?"

"Sure."

"The coffee is really bad."

"It's Table Top." I laughed.

He put it on the floor next to his chair, but then stood back up. I was standing.

"I have another one for you-"

"The 'Lars and the Real Girl'?"

"You haven't seen it, yet, right?"

"No, I want to,"

"Okay, good."

"You own it?"

"I ordered it."

.......................................

"It's really good, it's funny and heart-warming and weird, and, you'd think it would be kinda kinky--"

"Uh-huh,"

"But no, it's not. But it takes place in a little town in Canada up north..."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah... You grew up in Minneapolis or?"

"I'm from Wisconsin. I went to school in Minneapolis..."

"Oh, Madison?"

He nodded. "Good place to be from. General lack of neuroses that makes me uncomfortable."

I laughed and shook my head. "Do you ever visit?"

"I've gone back twice in twenty years."

"Wow. What made you..."

"I went to my high school reunion--"

"Did you really?"

"-and it was GREAT. So I went again... But the people were like, I felt like they were exaggerating, their accents it was like so 'Hi how are ya!' but they weren't! It was just, I grew up with these people?? It was really different. It was just different."

I was laughing and leaning against his bookcase. "Is your family there?"

"There was a diaspora..."

I laughed, "Yeah."

"My parents are from New York City..."

"Ahhh. That makes sense." I looked at him. He smiled.

"Do you ever go back to Pennsylvania?"

"Never." I said. "There's nothing."

We looked at each other for a moment. He looked down at his coffee on the floor. "Well..."

"Yeah," I said and turned toward the door.

"Oh- the other one-"

"Would you like to-"

He laughed, he went over to the door and held it open. "See you Tuesday,"

"Have a good weekend Julian."

"Okay."

"Not too good." I said as I walked past him.

Friday at 5.

"I don't want to force the issue, though I'm open to it, and on one hand I feel like our conservations are just intensifying our feelings... but, you shy away from it whenever it comes up and I understand that, because, besides, well you were angry at me, but usually, we have... an amazing connection... right?"

"Yes." I smiled.

"I mean we talk to each other, and it's great, and I'm... I look forward to talking to you... I'm happy to talk to you, so..."

"Me too."

"I forgot what it was like, to talk like this."

"I never knew what it was like... to talk like this."

"That's why I hope you can... forgive some of that anger, self-directed or at me..."

"I hope you can forgive me for throwing things at you."

"It wasn't at me, it was at the wall?"

"Well there were two things..."

"No, just the hair-tie?"

"Okay, just the hair-tie."

.............................................

............................................

"I have your movie but I left it in my car.. if you're going next door anyway and want to wait like an hour--"

"Yeah--"

"I can trade you-"

"Did you want another filthy Table Top coffee?"

"Oh, you don't- okay.."

"Ah, cream no sugar?"

"Yes."

"Okay. See you at six fifty-two..."

"Scarlet-"

"What?"

"Um, I don't know."

"No?"

"Nope."

"'Kay."

"Okay."

"See you in-"

"Bye."

Going nowhere.

Right now I think I have to just end it. Maybe he doesn't want me to leave and it will really hurt him, and hey, maybe it's just in my head. Nope. Not if it's bad. Bad things are never just in my head.

I don't want to be cruel. But he can't give me anything. Not as a therapist anymore. Not as a man... And it's not going to be the same. I'm not going to be happy to see him. He's going to have his baby and he'll be stressed out and overit. We're not going to have fun conversations and jokes, and flirting now... So he wouldn't want me there either.

Because honestly? There's nothing left to say.

It was like an affair. And one thing's the same about all affairs. They can't go anywhere.

Not undermining how he's helped me, saved me from drowning, given me so much light and inspiration and I guess... I don't want to think about it now.

I'm numb.

Scarlet off the couch.

Realization.

His story was about. This girl. That left, because she couldn't deal with her feelings. And just stopped talking to him. And how much that hurt. It didn't have that much to do with me and him. He ended it by saying, And I feel that kind of pain from you. As if that was the point. But he knew I'd be like. That's WEAK. That's cowardice. I would never do that.

When I threaten to leave, I'm seeing red. How much he's hurting me. How much time I've wasted. And whatever he says, I take it as a blow, because he's not saying, Don't. Even when he said Don't. You can't. We need to discuss it in a final session if that's what you want.

But he can't say Don't. He has no control over it. He can't say anything, and if I want to leave, he can't stop me, and he can't tell me it's unfair, to him, or that it would hurt him, or even that he doesn't want me to.

That's why he told me that story. So I'd realize that. How much it would hurt.

I'm so sad right now. I'm going to be sick.

This is just... fucked.

Sitting in Psych.

I made myself go.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!

But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...

Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.

So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"

He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."

And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.

Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.

Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.

Sigh. Cry-time.

Dr. Freud, your slip is showing.*

(*I borrowed this title from Gaby's genius blog. Sorry thanks Gaby!!!)

7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.

Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?

So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?

Could you be more specific?

Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.

He said nothing.

I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.

He was looking away.

I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.

He nodded.

If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.

I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.

Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--

You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--

The only reason I said it was a dumb--

But I wanted to know because--

Oh, sorry, go ahead--

No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.

No, go ahead.

I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--

Oh! Well, okay!

What?

So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?

I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...

Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-

Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.

Why-

And you never take ME at face value.

What do you mean?

I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...

That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.

I cracked a smile.

I took a deep breath and sat back down.

He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.

I mouthed, Yes.

And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...

I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.

And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.

He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.

I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.

And I don't wish that on you either.

.............................................................................????

Why would you? I said.

I don't know...

When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--

He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.

I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"

He called me back an hour later.

He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--

No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?

Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...

Dr. Freud your slip is showing.

Blush

I've been blushing and flushing all day but I missed Dr. Darcy's call at six. I didn't even miss it. I picked up, and it hung up, or something, I called back six times like a crackhead. He was calling from his office. He wrote me at like eight that he wouldn't have another opportunity to call me tonight unless it's an emergency but we're on for seven tomorrow.

He signed off with "Best,"

:-(

Probably time to invest in a goddamn vibrator.

Quod Erat Me Nutrit Me Destruit

This isn't how I thought this would go. Not that it's gone anywhere. But wherever it's going. Where is it going. My phone just straight-up stopped working.

Ode to Running

Inhale, inhale,
Exhale, exhale,
Seven miles an hour

Droplets
Bullets
Beads of sweat
Refreshing cooling shower

No one in the whole wide world can take away the high
And I can get it absolutely any place and time

Ode to Sunny

Dear Princess Sunny
I present you your crown
You're cool and your funny
Though you live in this town
Somehow you've managed to stay really ama3ing
I hope you don't read this and decide I'm a bra3en [hussy]

So what?

Okay so I turned in my Meg Ryan card a little while ago.

So okay, my story does not have quite the moral backbone of Jane Austen. Or even Helen Fielding.

So Miley Cyrus won't be playing me in the movie of my life.

So what.

that was naughty, wasn't it?

Phone Call w Julian #3

Hello?

(sotto voce) Hi.

Hi!

So did Madeline get her food?

Yeah. She didn't have it since the morning, which is a big deal for her fat ass. (giggle)

(laugh) So I read your emails. So you didn't drink last night, that's good.

I didn't I did not. The party was good, it was... it was fine.

And today?

Today was bad. Last night was fine. And today is bad. (giggle.) I had to get a new computer actually cu3 it broke, and then I did nary a thing. Except write e-mails, and allow myself some twisted fantasies, and beverage or three...

Are you in for the night? (heard as Are you enjoying it?)

Am I enjoying it? (laughs)

What? (laughs) No I said are you--

Oh are you IN FOR THE-- (laughs)

No, I'm not THAT clumsy. (laughs) I said are you in for the night?

(still laughing) Oh YEAH. I been in for the DAY. Totally in for the night. Possibly even tomorrow. Thinkin' about it. So hey, I have a good old-fashioned shrink question for you?

Okay.

Is this, what I'm doing, is this NOOOORMAL?

The way you're feeling?

The way I'm feeling, and the way I'm acting... Haha nevermind, not the way I'm acting, just the feelings.

Well, I think you're more in touch with your emotions than most people, so it's less filtered, but yeah I would, well I don't know what the connotation of 'normal' is to you; is it a pejorative or an aspiration?

(laughs) In this case, an aspiration. Definitely.

Well, then, yeah. Yeah I'd say it's normal... magnified.

Good... well you said you'd been through-- can I ask you questions right now?

Well, I'd prefer not to get into too much detail about that now, but I'd be happy to answer them on Monday.

Okay. You know people were real mean to me today...

Really?

Yeah, I had three just like... hang up the phone on me. I don't wanna keep you if you have to go...

Okay, well let me know if you want to check in tomorrow and really, feel free, with the e-mails, to write whatever you like...

I can say ANYTHING?

Yes, I look at it, as, well in Logic, there's the argument of No party gets hurt.

(laughs) Ahhh, good.

Yes, no party was injured by these comments. (laughs)

Okay, good.

Okay, good night, take care.

Okay, bye,

Bye...

Night.

Waiting by the Phone.

Okay I am literally sitting and waiting by the phone right now. I e-mailed him to call me. He responded right away that he'll try to call later tonight. Then an hour after that he asked what my number is, I guess cu3 he's not in the office. And I had just walked out the door to get Madeline's food. So I didn't answer for like a half hour. That was 7 30. And now it's 9 20. It's getting on the late side for him to call me I think. I feel like a sixteen year old girl, in the 1950s, when there was only one houseline. I can't leave the living room.

I would LOVE some cheese with my whine, preferably Havarti. Thanks much.

Okay. It's clear. It's really clear, that nobody wants to hear about this. Anymore, or for the first time, or at all. There are exceptions. But generally-- I've been met with negative reactions.

I don't care what this means.

I'm not looking for advice.

I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.

So that's it.

Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.

One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.



I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.



ANYWAY.



After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.



WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...



??



Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.



But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."



Sigh.



Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.



At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.



Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.

And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."

Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.

But that is what I'll do.

All things holy

There are some really beautiful things

Surfer Rosa, the Pixies album, sounds like life moving
Sunny's an angel
I texted her last night just Can you come over? and she was like Give me a half hour, and she did.
Elena's ama3ing... I hate that she disappears into her world for like 2 months at a time sometimes, but it doesn't matter ultimately
she always calls back and we always talk for four hours and we always understand each other
I have a new hairstylist, the first one I actually like here. She's really good, and she's funny as hell, I finally can look in the mirror, for the first time in a year and a half since I've moved here
Ironically I met her through Stefan
And when she told me the price I was like No. She was like, no, really! I was like you're out of your trees. She was like, no, really, I liked doing it it made me happy. I was like All right, if you say so. I tipped her like 40%. It was stupid cheap. And I know she's not cheap... she's the busiest stylist there and it's not a cheap place
The party tonight was lovely
It was small, 20 people, a dinner party, birthday party, about half the people were really famous, but they were all sweet

Julian called me at like 8 15, a little after I got there, and I ran out of the bar to answer the phone... He... the sound of his voice melted me... I've been either sobbing or on the verge of tears all day. I called him earlier but I didn't leave a message. He said It sounds like you're out somewhere. I said yeah, I am, I'm out at this director's birthday party. I'm halfway through my second vodka. He said Well I don't want to ask you anything in public... I said No I'm halfway down the block already. He said How was your day? I said Fucking fantastic. I said I'm like, breaking down every 20 minutes. And I have to be here for more than 20 minutes. And I haven't eaten anything so I feel the boo3e. And he said, Well, hmmm, at the risk of sounding pedestrian... Channel some of the Machiavellian impulse and make a good impression there, no, that's stupid advice. I laughed, No, and then started crying. Tell me not to drink anymore. I said. Okay, he said. Don't drink anymore. I mean tonight. I laughed again. Okay. I said. Yes, you can drink again, he said, but tonight you should watch out for the Sick Puppies. I laughed and said Okay. Okay. He said, so, let's leave it at this, just contact me if you need to talk over the weekend, and we're on for Monday at seven? Yes. I said. Okay, he said. No drinking! No drinking! I said.

I've never felt like this before. Never. Never. Not through dad leaving, mom dying, brother losing his marbles, losing our house, ex dying, six breakups, all kinds of things going wrong and people disappearing.

Everything is tied to everything and everything makes me think about him and everything makes me SO SAD

SO SAD

I can't believe how SAD i am.