Over It.

Okay.

I am officially over it.

It's time to do other things.

Ridiculous, is what I've been, and deliberately or not, this guy wasted a lot of my precious time. But don't think twice, it's all right.

I can't say I'm not sad about this. But. What else am I gonna do. I dunno. I should get another therapist. I'm not doing so great. Sigh.

labor pains.

more, more, going through the motions to pass the time, when did i become this way, i've never been this way, i feel so old and like i'm doing everything i can to just get older

i've been bad, i've been writing julian and he'll never write me back

my mind is OPEN, it really is, to letting others in, i asked my pretty drug dealer friend to come over on friday and spend the night, he did, i'm just so tired of being alone. i slept through saturday. today was painful. i'm trying to get things done. i'm going out for drinks in a bit with celine. i'm taking it second by second, and it hurts like a bitch.

things are fine, things are fine, but i kind of wonder what i did to deserve this.

DRUG LABEL: WARNING: Do not feed the animals.

It's so tempting to go purchase and ingest a large quantity of drugs right now.

So tempting yet not tempting at all.

That's what I've been doing, for the past couple weeks, if we're gonna call a spade a spade here.

I don't even like drugs of any kind. I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Horrific timing as always, making the noggin' null and void right before a bargeful of shows, the onslaught of school, right at the very moment in life to buck the fuck up, right when right now truly calls from some grace...

Right at the moment I'm drooling over a cigarette typing in tongues.

Ugh.

Gross.

But, no one has to know about this, because I kept my own personal ass pretty much entirely in the doma. No Sid to my fucking Nancy.

The headmath just kinda went something like this-- "Well," it went, "Well! You're not gonna be able to talk to him for a few months, and this is gonna put you out for at least a day or two..."

Wrong.

The stuff, well first of all it made me write him. Like, the Devil LITERALLY made me do it.

And it made me sit and think and wank and cry about him all by my lonesome for COUNTLESS fucking hours...

And then the Killyourself factor significantly spiked, when it wore off.

And it's not even fun.

Who LIKES that shit???

And now, here I am, 80 bucks leaner, two-weeks older, none-the-wiser, and really, no closer to the expiry date of Significant Time passage as I HAVE been communicating, and rather hysterically, at that.

Well. All very good for the art. But seriously. No more. Totally gross. Ugh.

all beauty is cruel

here's what it is.

now that ive drugged myself into some numb stupor i'm giving you the benefit of advance warning, as i always do, so that you can come prepared with your explanations. don't know why i do this. i just cant help spilling i suppose. to you. to other people, i manage to keep my mouth relatively shut, examples as follows:

today i was talking to a person, about people in hollywood talking about movies, and said something about "the place next door to my shrink". this person said, "oh you go to a therapist next door?" i said "well yeah i go to therapist but i meant this coffee place there not next door to here" and they said "oh cuz im looking for one close by" i said "oh well its pretty close its down near broad street in ridgeway" and they said "oh, do you see julian darcy?" and i said, "yeah!" and they said "oh i went to him for a while!" and i said oh yeah, he's great, and they said yeah, he's very intelligent and he's beautiful, and i of course agreed, enthusiastically, and i said yeah i'm sort of head over for him-- keeping it really light-- and they said, aw, really? and i said OH yeah. and they said well stop seeing him as a therapist and date him! and i said yeah right he's married with children. again, this was all very light. the person said, he's not married. i said yeah, he is, the person said, no, i asked him, he said he was like single... unless it was in the last, like, couple years...

i said- out of some (perhaps unwarranted) loyalty and respect for you-- oh yeah it was really recently he had a child. and they said oh ok, so he met someone and got married wow.

so that was that. you can imagine julian. how i must feel right now. out of some loyalty and respect for you, and characteristic disrespect for myself, i'm telling myself you told me this, to try to get me to get over you. instead of just telling me whatever the truth is. or maybe you tell other people, you don't tell them about your family, to protect them? but it seems a little extreme. this person is not tony soprano, or a serial killer.

why would you lie to me about this? why would... it's really very insulting if you did that. it's really, really insulting. it's condescending. you really think it was something to protect my feelings or help me some how? that you would have to lie to me? how can i trust you now? what are you doing, what are you thinking, what's going on in that head of yours. i don't know you at all. i don't know who you are.

even before this totally random (and yet formally perfect, as in the PERFECT FUCKING SHAPE) i started thinking, i really can't be your patient anymore. i can't do it. i love you, and i want you, and i don't want you to pretend to be this objective witness/soundingboard/hotline anymore, and i dont, deep down, believe that it's completely one-sided, it just does not feel that way, and there are so many innuendos and so much subtext and when i tell you that and you just blatantly look me in the eye and deny that, it is insulting, and it is reckless, and it is hurtful. and i cant see it as excusable unless you have some EMOTION toward me too. if you dont, and you are completely coolly and carelessly toying with my head because you find it amusing, unaware of the hurt you will ultimately cause, you are a selfish and thoughtless person and everything i thought about you is wrong.

but i realized, a litte ways into this little vacation of yours, that i cannot see you as a therapist. it reduces my life to two hours a week. that i'm paying money for. and not getting anything in return. it feels like i am, but i'm not. you have helped me with things, you really did for a while, and for a while it's just been me wanting to see you, because i dont want to lose you. because im so afraid of losing you. but i cant go on like this.

if you really as you say just have no interest in knowing me, outside of that room, then i guess i will have to swallow that fucking bullet, better now than later. better now than later. my life is on standstill.

you know. you've probably known for a while, how hard and far i have FALLEN for you. maybe you dont. maybe you think i'm also just playing around like you are. for some distraction.

I DONT KNOW.

I DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING STORY IS JULIAN

but you better explain it to me. if you have any shred of decency, or respect for me, or compassion, you better explain it to me, and you better not lie to my face-- if you were lying about your marriage, or your family, just tell me flat out, give me your reasons, i will accept them, you know, i think so highly of you, i adore you, and at least i thought i understood you, so i really will understand-- and if you just thought it would hurt my feelings to say you aren't attracted to me or interested in me then SAY IT.

god, i am not stupid. i am not stupid. i notice the caution you've used with your words. i know there are certain things you cannot say. i know when you're being ambiguous. i know there are certain things you HAVENT said. and there are certain 6th sense sort of visions " " (yeah i'm a fucking crazy moron, shoot me, and fuck yourself) i have about you- your personal life- your family situation. and at the risk of sounding HAUGHTY to use your word, or narcissistic, i mean WHAT A FUCKING FOOL, how i PUT MYSELF on the fucking LEDGE for you??? how much i have been a FOOL over you, for you, risked every shred of dignity for you??? and this is how, rather, this is how you DONT reciprocate?

so i am NOT a narcissist. i know i have HUMILITY. and i used to have GRACE. and now i don't know WHERE that's gone. but at the risk of sounding narcissistic, i KNOW you are attracted to me, i know you LET me know that, i know at one point you didnt, and then you did, and then you didnt, and there are unsaid understandings between us, and normally when i mention them in the emails, the next time i see you you act like a complete cold, distant asshole, as if to rid me of any confidence i have that there's ANYTHING mutual, and i'm SICK of it. i've had just about enough. i KNOW that i play these games with you, and i KNOW that you play them with me. and i know that youve never done or said anything- because youre very clever- that could ever definitely, without a doubt, make me sure. and fuck, i'll be honest, it's hot, i admire, and am extremely turned on, by how clever you are. and the fact that every time i go out on a limb like this, i have to think, god, if i'm wrong, i am SUCH an asshole, and god, of course i'm wrong, and god, i am SUCH an asshole, and then I START BEATING MYSELF TO A BLOODY PULP over it, how delusional, and stupid, and unattractive, and ridiculous i am.

IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT

you're not stupid either. you play dumb sometimes dont you. you cant tell me, that you do not know, the effect you have on me, the provocative things you say, all the teases, all the teases, my god, even as im furious crying typing this tome, writing that-- "teases", thinking about your TEASING, makes me fucking just (@)*#$ need to take a break with a curling iron and a cold shower-- i really-- i need to stop writing right now.

you know

ok

so the only thing i cant figure out. the only thing i really dont know. is your motivation.

are you just, going along for kicks. teasing me to spice things up for yourself and keep me hanging all over you. careless and thoughtless as to how it will end? just not thinking that far ahead?

if i leave, will you care, if i leave, which i will, if i leave you as a patient will you leave me as a person. if i stop paying you. is it over. this great connection. is it all just fucking over. fucking over. will you never %$*@ me into sanity. i need it. but whatever. you dont like that, you dont like that kind of talk, i dont either, but by god, at this point. by fucking god.

and theres only a certain amount of ignorance you can plausibly plead. because you do know me, even if i know nothing of you. you know my obsessive brain. you know that i've thought this through. you know that i've considered that maybe, i just need the confidence to walk out your fucking door, in order to be in your life. and that im also terribly afraid that walking out your door is walking out of your life. because that is the implication, isnt it. "but this IS therapy, that's what this IS" you said once. yeah. but ive thought that. and i want it. whatever it means. whether it means, once, or twice, or just meeting you for a coffee at some dumpy dingy place where no one will see us or walking down Central Park South with my arm around your waist, whether it means hanging around waiting for you the way i am right now, with the same strict, minimal schedule, or not, i want it, i want it, i want YOU, i dont want to be sitting at a distance and FUCKING PAYING YOU like the idiots at the CLUB pay ME to talk to to me for 20 minutes. and that despite everything you said, oh forget it. forget it.

and you? haven't thought this out at all? or do you think you know me so well by now that you know i can take all your careless playing and still be fine, take another huge disappointment, take being carved in half and walk upright. and no, dear, no. you are NOT, you are NOT helping me find a future relationship. you are NOT, showing me what it CAN be like for next time. because there will never be this again. there is no other you, there is no other now, there is no next time, there is no fucking tuesday.

and furthermore, after experiencing, YOU, experiencing, our conversations, our connection, and haven't end in the worst fucking pain, the blinding fucking pain of right now, I don't think I will want anything like it. i think after being built up and torn down by you, being made to believe for CERTAIN that i'm delusional, seeing the angel become the devil before my eyes, seeing that,
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel
all beauty is cruel

that's what i will KNOW in my body to be true, if i walk out your door as you nod and say nothing, and nothing, and nothing to me ever again

and MAYBE you told me your story------- now maybe you told me your story to prepare me for being so hurt that i will call down the quarters and the guardians of the watchtowers and invoke the spirit and wish upon the universe to bring you harm.

maybe you wanted me to know thats how this will end.

but it wont julian. i dont think it will end right now at all. i really dont in my heart of hearts believe it.

and if it does, i will walkaround jawdropped at your cruelty, but i will understand, because i'm sure i have been unintentionally cruel. i know i have. and i know im forgiven because to them i am beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and to me you are beautiful, and that seems to be enough. and i will never wish you harm. every moment of every day i wish nothing but good for you and you should KNOW that and you should FEEL that and you should be THANKFUL for that. because i also know how to destroy. but i do not destroy people, everyone whom i have hurt somehow has come out stronger, and the only person i destroy is myself. and you saw that very early on. and it's sad to me and i want to be kind to myself like you told me to. and you told me to be kind to myself. and i will always love you. and you have taught me a lot. and i know that my love for you is beautiful, and that its mine, and you cant take it away from me. but perhaps all this teaching has caused the soul to learn away a lot of its joy.


maybe when i see you on friday you will stonewall me, mock me, lie to me, slap me in the face. and maybe i will lock eyes with you and melt, melt in your radiance, but i will solidify I HAVE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH and Julian, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS. and i am not asking you for anything. you say, whatever the fuck you want to say. you always do anyway.

so now are you starting to see the shapes? are you starting to see the shape of things to come? the way they always fit so perfectly right? you were away and i was alone and i was sad and sad and sad and i was excited for you to come back and you would have come back and WHAT. i would have sat there, blushing and giggling and crying as you teased me or ignored me or shared just enough of yourself to wake my sleeping heart? no. no, no, that would be shapeless. that would be utterly lacking in form. to walk, two days before your return, into a relative stranger and find out that maybe-- to be jolted awake by that instead?

that's formal.

that's shapely.

whatever you do you know that you are the only person i've ever been able to share this with, and that without that, without you, without you, without you now, here, out here, out here after having that and after, right after, right after the last time i saw you i thought i have shared it all with someone now---and he glows gold onto every corner of my mind and i...

do you see colors julian

tell me

tell me when you see me please

if im still red and white and violet

if i still glow at all

Liar, Liar

I went to get my hair done today

I was talking to my stylist

I said something about "next door to my shrink"

She said, Oh, you have a therapist? Nearby? Cuz I'm looking for a new therapist...

I said, well I told her the address.

She said, Oh, are you seeing Julian? Darcy?

She said she saw him for two years, and she left because she felt she couldn't really talk about relationships with him because he wasn't very helpful and she just didn't feel comfortable like he didn't get her and that also one time he recommended this movie to her (a dark kinda sick twisted movie that I've talked about with him-- and he'd said, I actually had one patient get really upset with me for recommending that movie so I took it off my site) because it really disturbed her...

I said, Oh, my god I can't believe you were seeing him

She said Why, what, what? Has he helped you a lot?

I said Yeah...

She said Yeah, he's very intelligent, and compassionate, I dunno he just didn't really get me... and then she said, What? She said, Are you, you're attracted to him?

I said, Yeah

She said, Yeah, he's beautiful, I mean, I totally understand. She said, What, are you like? You're in love with him...

I said, Yeah

She said, Oh, yeah, I totally get it, I'm sure he gets that, from lots of people I mean yeah he's hot.

I shook my head and started tearing up, there in the salon chair.

She said Oh no! What, are you really crying? No, why, I totally understand!

I said, I just, you don't even... It's...

She said, What, does he know, did you tell him?

I said, Oh god. God. Yes. He knows. He really knows. I can't believe you saw him...

She said, Small world, right?

And I sat there in shock, and she stopped doing my hair, and I told her, because I could finally tell someone who knew him... About all the stuff... And how I'm consumed by him and have been for a year. And she said, So it's not even therapy they're just mini dates for you... and they are for him too. Why don't you stop seeing him and date him?

Well, I mean he's MARRIED and--

What? He's not married...

Yes, he is, and he has children...

No, he doesn't... No... I asked him... unless it was in the last, like, YEAR and--

Well, he did just have a child in May-

Oh, so he met someone and had, oh that makes sense-

But no, he has two kids too, that are five and seven--

What?

.......She said she could probably find out for me... She said, she saw how upset I was, she said I needed to stop seeing him, that it was consuming me, that she knows how it is and I probably can't stop now but I could cut down to once a week and that I should really find someone else because I'm going to need to see someone else to get over this that I probably can't do it alone, and that if I'm still interested in him in six months I should call him, but as I was sobbing and shaking my head and she was telling me how she'd been into this guy for seven years and he was older too and he was always just giving enough so that she stayed and how she was consumed by him and how she would get through her day doing makeup or hair by fantasizing about him, and how she wouldn't go out, because she preferred to be home, living in her head, dreaming about him, and I said, God, oh my god, yes, and I thought why, why would he, tell me he had children I mean to make me feel and that I was entirely consumed and that it made me wonder if I was just crazy and he was just oblivious and she said He is a very INTELLIGENT person, and he knows this, and he knows that your life is frozen right now, and he is KEEPING it that way, and it's very, very selfish, and I don't want to upset you, but, honestly, it's almost abusive.

And she said I know you can't quit right now, but--

And I said, No. No. I'm done. And I was crying and I said God, god, I don't even know what to do right now... I said I know I'm going to go to the bank so I can pay you... and she laughed and told me the price and I went to the bank, in shock, and I got out the money and I gave her a really big tip because she also just does a fantastic job and she gave me her phone number and said I could call her whenever and I went home and then I called the dealer and I got some drugs and I wrote Julian an e-mail saying that I know he's conveniently out of town but that this is an emergency.

And I don't want to talk to him about it over the phone. I will go there on Friday and I will ask him everything, and tell him everything, and ask for my money back for the last month.

And until then I'm just going to try to let the time pass. Somehow.

Fell Along

I am not wasting another navelgrazing word on him.

Seriously.

It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed, by all of it.

My good god.

I just got home from work tonight; it was all right, I brought my neighbor Lena... I don't know if I've even mentioned Lena because I've only been seeing her the last few days and wasn't blogging...

She's a beautiful, angelfaced, mystical doll. She's right across the hall. She's brought her dog over here, and Madeline was like, Lena just looked at her with that angelic smile and Maddy chilled out, and they got along. My crazy cat and a dog. A dog who will just sit right next to L for indefinite periods of time and not budge.

She's a dog whisperer. And a painter. 21. Never danced before. But I knew I could tell her, and I had no qualms about bringing her, and we went in and Vinnie was like, you're in good hands, this is the best girl here! And showed her how my polaroid had a big #1 on it. Haha. He was like all the girls ask Why is SHE number one, she's never here!! And he's like Because she just is!

So that's me at the club. It was really nice going with Lena. And hanging out with her. She didn't make much but the guys are all over her, I told her she's just gotta learn to swing the dance thing and be a liiiiittle pushy and not waste time with those who aren't shelling.

We're both exhausted though. I told her, it is draining.

I have a show tomorrow at KGB. And some filming the next day. I DON'T have a whole bunch of empty fillable time.

I don't have a whole bunch of money.

I need to stop seeing him.

I was so upset this afternoon. I don't even know why. He wrote me a letter. He told me how to get this carousel at the park where he goes hiking. It's all in my head. And it's breaking the bank.

And it's breaking me.

I'm broke.

blablablablabla

ok
this stupid see-saw is almost totally broken and i'm about to fall off for real

fall off the couch

i'm done with this

done with this delusion

i hate him

i scraped my knee on the splintery wood

i'm getting nauseous

i'll probably keep swinging for a while but i really shouldnt

Hello, you've reached the confidential voicemail of Julian Darcy. To leave...

Vinnie called me just now, and I didn't answer... it would make sense to go to work tonight since I can't tomorrow or the following, but, I'm so tired, and I have my show coming up and I should practice, and rest a little.

I went thrift shopping with Em today. SCORED. Like, whole new wardrobe for $50. And 2 pairs of rad shoes. Unbelievable. It's partly, I kinda knew what I wanted going in there. You need to, in a gigantic Good Will...

Um, I feel really sad, and confused. J canceled Friday, and I said I maybe couldn't Tuesday, and he said he maybe could Monday, but never followed up, and now it's Sunday night, and like, I haven't written him at all, like I usually do, but I have about that, to ask about the appointment. And he hasn't answered. And now it's tomorrow, and I don't even know... I guess it's Father's Day. And he's... out of town or something?

Who knows.

But he should be responding to his patients. About appointments. Especially when he requires a 72 hour cancellation notice.

And. This makes me really sad. And I still really care.

Brrrring brrrring.

I was not expecting a call today... Or ever... And yet:

S: Who's this?

J: Hi, Scarlet, it's Julian..

S: Oh.. Hi...

J: Hi...

S: ................................

J: I was just calling to see how you're doing...

S: That's generous.

J: Scarlet.

S: ..................................

J: You've written some really--

S: Oh, yeah, I wanted to take back a whole bunch of things.

J: The good things or the bad things?

S: The bad things. I just. I see it all now, I see it all from you perspective.

J: You do?

S: No.

J: (laughs.) Well... There are some issues between us that have come up, that we haven't addressed, and I think we should, I just wanted to get a fair chance to.

S: Right now?

J: No, not right now--

S: WHEN.

J: Are you coming in this week?

S: Yes... Though it's going to all start getting very expensive at the end of the month isn't it?

J: We can sort that out, we can work something out, I--

S: It will still be expensive.

J: It will be fine.

S: I can't AFFORD IT-

J: It's not an ISSUE, Scarlet.

S: ...................................................................................

J: So I'll see you... on Tuesday? Or Friday?

S: Friday..

J: Okay.




.............................................................SIGH..............................................................

Going nowhere.

Right now I think I have to just end it. Maybe he doesn't want me to leave and it will really hurt him, and hey, maybe it's just in my head. Nope. Not if it's bad. Bad things are never just in my head.

I don't want to be cruel. But he can't give me anything. Not as a therapist anymore. Not as a man... And it's not going to be the same. I'm not going to be happy to see him. He's going to have his baby and he'll be stressed out and overit. We're not going to have fun conversations and jokes, and flirting now... So he wouldn't want me there either.

Because honestly? There's nothing left to say.

It was like an affair. And one thing's the same about all affairs. They can't go anywhere.

Not undermining how he's helped me, saved me from drowning, given me so much light and inspiration and I guess... I don't want to think about it now.

I'm numb.

Scarlet off the couch.

Realization.

His story was about. This girl. That left, because she couldn't deal with her feelings. And just stopped talking to him. And how much that hurt. It didn't have that much to do with me and him. He ended it by saying, And I feel that kind of pain from you. As if that was the point. But he knew I'd be like. That's WEAK. That's cowardice. I would never do that.

When I threaten to leave, I'm seeing red. How much he's hurting me. How much time I've wasted. And whatever he says, I take it as a blow, because he's not saying, Don't. Even when he said Don't. You can't. We need to discuss it in a final session if that's what you want.

But he can't say Don't. He has no control over it. He can't say anything, and if I want to leave, he can't stop me, and he can't tell me it's unfair, to him, or that it would hurt him, or even that he doesn't want me to.

That's why he told me that story. So I'd realize that. How much it would hurt.

I'm so sad right now. I'm going to be sick.

This is just... fucked.

Sitting in Psych.

I made myself go.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!

But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...

Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.

So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"

He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."

And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.

Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.

Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.

Sigh. Cry-time.

Letters to Julian in Succession.

Thanks.
Personal X
Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 5:45 PM (20 hours ago)

Dear Julian:

Here's a list of what I'm thinking now. These are some things for which I wanted to give thanks. To you. For.

1. Thanks. Thanks for helping me reali3e that I hate this fucking hellhole and need to leave it now.

2. Thanks. Thanks for allowing me to embarrass myself repeatedly, yes, I know it's therapy and I'm supposed to act like a lunatic, but I do, in fact have some dignity, and shame, and throwing myself albeit electronically at an expecting father is not a move in my lifegame strategy.

3. And thanks again, thanks for turning all the decent coffeeshops in this little town into red-tape 3ones. In fact. I think the whole neighborhood is brimming with ha3mat.

4. Thank-you for making sad movies that much sadder, in fact, unwatchable.

5. Thanks for borrowing from my one of my top-5 favorite authors to spike the punch in the face.

6. Thanksmuch for all the jokes and again the recommendations and the hair and all those little things that make me love you even more every day instead of acting like a dull boring tasteless idiot, when, "What would help?" THAT would've helped. Thanks. Your wife and kids and everything. Yes. They help in making me reali3e what an ass I am and that impossible does not come in shades. But it doesn't help make me feel less for you. So yeah. It helps. It'll help me move on. Possibly move period. But it's no less painful.

7. Thanks for letting me spend oh about eight months of my rapidly dimishing youth living in a fantasy and embarrassing myself.

8. Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.

9. Thanks for turning me into a Nabokovian monstrosity.

10. Thanks for completely destroying my faith in humanity.

Ok. Thanks. I hate everything. And want to die. But I don't hate you. No. I love you. And I HATE THAT. And I do think, that you've been just a little irresponsible. Or oblivious. Or something. I'm sure you have been stressed out and wiped out and busy with your work and your kids, and your 3rd term pregnant undoubtedly incredible wife. And you're happy. And you should be. And I'm not being ironic or sarcastic here. (But only here.) But I do. I think you've handled this badly. I'm paraly3ed. And sick.
Thanks
Love
S
Take your fucking check


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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:02 PM (19 hours ago)

THE WIND IS SCREAMING AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. Thanks.
- Show quoted text -

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:10 PM (19 hours ago)

Good morning! Said the nightmare. Time to get up now! You're been on some hallucinogenic drugs. We have to inform you. You don't remember. But there was a terrible accident. Yes. They're... gone. Yes. They're gone too. Do you know where you are?

Nightmare?

Yes. Do you know the date and time?

Um... November 12th, 2008..

It's April 29th, 2010.

What?

Do you know who you are, Ma'am?
..........
..........
No.
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:17 PM (19 hours ago)

Congratulations on your baby.
I think I'm done. With therapy. Yup.
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:18 PM (19 hours ago)

Aren't you relieved.
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:30 PM (19 hours ago)

I'm about to take 4 ativan (no thats not a lethal dosage, it'll make me loopy so I'm not fucking threatening you or pulling any borderline shit on you cu3 i'm actually not a Borderline, thanks. though i hope i'm making you feel bad, cu3 you made me feel REAL bad, so why shouldnt i? cu3 its not fault, no, its not, though again, i think you handled it BADLY. but you probably wont feel bad because you know you did everything right and im just being the... whatever.) so I might sleep through tomorrow, unlikely though. if i dont. yeah. i would like to talk to you Julian. please. thanks. maybe i wont tomorrow. obviously. things are never so lasting or definitive in my world as they are in yours. but no. how can i not want to talk to you. of course i want to talk to you. I MISS YOU. I want to look at you. I want to talk to you. I am pathetic and I am disgusted with myself. For being this pathetic. If, rather, when (believe it or not I've been on the other side of this too. Many times. Well I guess it's only fair that I should get it too. Karma's a bitch like that.) someone has been this pathetic over me, still wanted to be around, still wanted to talk, still wasted their time and money and breath on me, knowing I was N.I. Not. Interested. I found that pretty pathetic. Now I don't feel so strongly on the matter. Well I guess theres a life lesson I can thank ya for. THANK-YOU J
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:32 PM (19 hours ago)

FUCKING ANSWER ME PLEASE. NO? CAN'T DO IT OVER E-MAIL? just send me a blank email, or better yet, just send me an invoice. HAHAHAHA. Yeah. Send me that. Thank-You.
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Julian Darcy
to me
show details 6:52 PM (19 hours ago)

Scarlet,
Can I call you just before 9 tonight?

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.

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Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian

Please.
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show details 6:55 PM (19 hours ago)

Julian Darcy
to me

Confirmed.

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.

SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.