Urg.

Ok. I'm starting to get a little... need some space with this cool neighbor thing... she's still really great, no change in that, it's just she wanted me to take her running yesterday, so I did, and I realize- I really want to fucking BE ALONE when I run. And to the yoga class at the gym today. And I ended up paying for her membership. And to work tonight. And honestly, she's fine at work, but I kinda don't like being friends with anyone at work... And she hasn't gone in by herself yet, and she suggested it, and said, Oh, I'll just go in at 10 o clock. Oh let me just have Vinnie's number and I'll call him. And I'm like... Ugh... please don't just go in at 10 o clock. That's not the time you're supposed to go in, I'LL fucking get shit for it, I know I do it, but like, you've gone in ONCE. Vinnie made a joke- Don't teach her bad habits, I don't need another Casper! Like, it's TOO FUCKING MUCH. TOO FUCKING MUCH. She never has cigarettes, and she doesn't have a car, and it's just like, her friend Dan brought me a keyboard, and they took photos of my show, and she's come to two, so it's not like it's not reciprocated, it's just a little too much. It's just too many aspects of my life being shared right now. I wanted to go to the gym when I felt like it, and swim, and take a class, and then she was like You have to take me to the gym today, I have to work out before this shoot (which was a bullshit modeling job, not even real, and I knew it as soon as she told me about it, the guy was chatting with her on Skype, and talking about a contract, and all kinds of unrealistic unprofessional BS, but I didn't want to burst her bubble too much. But then she wasn't ready, and we got there and spent 20 minutes figuring out her membership, and then after the class she was texting with the guy, and stressing, and I just wanted to get out of there.

It was not the way I wanted to decompress.

In fact I'm more irritable now then before. And now it's like I can't just go into work whenever I want. And I'm stressed about it. Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I REALLY like my privacy and my independence. I had it made with the club. I don't like this.

Beautiful calm driving.

P called me while I was at work, I finally just got myself to GO.

I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.

What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.

So that's where I'm at.

But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.

I'm gonna do it.

I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.

And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.