I was onstage ALL goddamn night, so this is a longie:
1. Sex Type Thing- Stone Temple Pilots
2. Darling Nikki- Prince
3. Dirt- Iggie Pop
4. Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z
5. Fell on Black Days- Soundgarden
6. Turn the Page- Bob Seger
7. Bone Machine- Pixies
8. Possom Kingdon- Toadies
7. Never There- Cake
8. 15 Step- Radiohead
9. Creep- Radiohead
10. Lie to Me- Jonny Lang
And-- cuz there were so few of us there and hard to work a guy when you gotta be on stage every 15 minutes, we were usually up for two in a row onstage, so a lot of those were back to back.... Turn the Page followed by Bone Machine.... WORK, man... I'm all achy and bruised... and I was dancing private dances in between ALL my turns onstage... the poor sap whose money I inhaled all evening... I had Vinnie let me sneak out the back so he wouldn't see me leave cuz he thought he was taking me home... I said, "Poor sod. He's not even drunk." Vinnie said. "It'll hit him when the lights come up." I said, "Don't these people know it's a scam?" He said, "The idiots in here. Unbelievable."
Hahaha.
Showing posts with label duders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label duders. Show all posts
Monday, July 5, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Cam and a bad Joke
i am not fucking going to work tonight.
nope.
i am not going to talk to anyone, because i tried that today, and it wasnt working out too well.
i ran into one of the producers of my movie in the fedex, where i was chipping away at the infernal occupation of preparing for my trip, and it took me like 5 minutes to figure it out and then another 2 to be simpatichnaya. and then i total Cam to go eat a bag of dicks, for no good reason. not for NO reason, but not a really good one. he just suggested going to the beach and then asked if we could 'take [my] ride' and last week after working on his stupid audition scene, he asked me to get him cigarettes, on the way.... i'm like... what the blue moon???
so that was today. ironically. i had more than half a mind to drive to the beach by myself, in my Ride, but to take the Blue Oyster, who's worth about $80 in scrap metal (i just crossed myself. i love the Blue Oyster and am extremely grateful for everything he's done but for the grace of god) when Cam has like, well, I dunno it's really low-to-the-ground and kind of clausterphobic, honestly it gives me the screamin Meemies, but at least, a normal car, is just out of the question, besides which he was asking deliberately to be like I'm not paying for your Shit, cuz I'm a Modern Duder, and you are not even sleeping with me. it's just seven layers of retarded, and i cant.
so,
here's a really bad Armotrash joke for y'all... or rather, a pearl of wisdom, in the standard vaudevillian totally like Capone meets Catskills three-part bait-and-switch construction. as told, with flawless timing, to Y.T. by mobsterpunk Meathead #1:
what's the difference between a russia girl and a french girl?
please, enlighten.
if a guy meets a russian girl on the street, and says to her, to hook up with her, oh, lets go have some drinks blablabla, she says, oh, no, i cant, i have to meet my mother, this, and then eventually she says, ok.
so they go for drinks, blabla, and then he tells her oh, lets for disco. so she says oh, no, i cant, its late, i have in the morning things to do, so he says oh come on so finally she says ok, ok, we go.
so they go to disco, so then he says oh why not you come to sleep at my place, so she says, oh, no, i cant, no, no, but eventually she say ok.
ok?
ok.
so a french girl, a guy meets on the street and wants to hook up to her, and says oh come on we'll get some drinks, so she says, sure why not?
so they go and have some drinks and he says, how about we go have disco and so the french girl says yeah sure ok!
so then after disco he says how now about you come to sleep at my house, and she says yeah, great!
ok?
O-kay.
so then in the morning, when they wake up, the french girl packs up all her things in her bag and says ok now im going, bye!
and the russian girl says in the morning, oh, just wait and i go to my mother house and take my things in my bag and i come right back!
DA-DAM CHING
nope.
i am not going to talk to anyone, because i tried that today, and it wasnt working out too well.
i ran into one of the producers of my movie in the fedex, where i was chipping away at the infernal occupation of preparing for my trip, and it took me like 5 minutes to figure it out and then another 2 to be simpatichnaya. and then i total Cam to go eat a bag of dicks, for no good reason. not for NO reason, but not a really good one. he just suggested going to the beach and then asked if we could 'take [my] ride' and last week after working on his stupid audition scene, he asked me to get him cigarettes, on the way.... i'm like... what the blue moon???
so that was today. ironically. i had more than half a mind to drive to the beach by myself, in my Ride, but to take the Blue Oyster, who's worth about $80 in scrap metal (i just crossed myself. i love the Blue Oyster and am extremely grateful for everything he's done but for the grace of god) when Cam has like, well, I dunno it's really low-to-the-ground and kind of clausterphobic, honestly it gives me the screamin Meemies, but at least, a normal car, is just out of the question, besides which he was asking deliberately to be like I'm not paying for your Shit, cuz I'm a Modern Duder, and you are not even sleeping with me. it's just seven layers of retarded, and i cant.
so,
here's a really bad Armotrash joke for y'all... or rather, a pearl of wisdom, in the standard vaudevillian totally like Capone meets Catskills three-part bait-and-switch construction. as told, with flawless timing, to Y.T. by mobsterpunk Meathead #1:
what's the difference between a russia girl and a french girl?
please, enlighten.
if a guy meets a russian girl on the street, and says to her, to hook up with her, oh, lets go have some drinks blablabla, she says, oh, no, i cant, i have to meet my mother, this, and then eventually she says, ok.
so they go for drinks, blabla, and then he tells her oh, lets for disco. so she says oh, no, i cant, its late, i have in the morning things to do, so he says oh come on so finally she says ok, ok, we go.
so they go to disco, so then he says oh why not you come to sleep at my place, so she says, oh, no, i cant, no, no, but eventually she say ok.
ok?
ok.
so a french girl, a guy meets on the street and wants to hook up to her, and says oh come on we'll get some drinks, so she says, sure why not?
so they go and have some drinks and he says, how about we go have disco and so the french girl says yeah sure ok!
so then after disco he says how now about you come to sleep at my house, and she says yeah, great!
ok?
O-kay.
so then in the morning, when they wake up, the french girl packs up all her things in her bag and says ok now im going, bye!
and the russian girl says in the morning, oh, just wait and i go to my mother house and take my things in my bag and i come right back!
DA-DAM CHING
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Art of Whore
The title of this post is not supposed to be self-effacing OR ACCURATE, I just thought of it and find it funny.
Anyway.
I was telling J how I did the math and realized I'll be okay money-wise, that it's been dead at the club, but I always manage to squeeze out of there with a buck-fifty minimum, like it always comes SOMEHOW by the end of the night even after tipout, and that the other girls are all really over me by now, because they'll walk out of there with like fifteen, thirty, sixty, on these nights... and I totally understand it because sometimes I'll be sitting there for the first two or three hours and there's like nary a soul around, and I'm like, wow, I'm gonna make ten dollars tonight... But it doesn't happen, and he was like what is it that makes you better at it? So, I'm gonna break it down here. My secrets. The art of the club.
It took me a while to get this... I think like with everything, it's just kinda practice, and I've never really thought about it, but it's kinda like this:
First. If you walk in and one of your regulars is there, you go sit with them obviously, but if they're talking to another girl, you just come with a warm, familiar friendly hello, smile and nod at the lady, and say okay well I'll talk to you in a bit...
If there aren't any regulars, you don't go up to anyone until you go onstage. You go onstage, scope out the crowd, see how people react while you're up there, then take a moment after you get off and go around and gently talk to all of them, slowly approaching, just smiling, see if they're open to talking, ask if they enjoyed the show, everything slowly, clocking the reactions... If they're cheap and at all reluctant to tip, or try to be smartasses, or talk a big game, forget about them completely. Don't even look at 'em again. Usually I'll find one guy who really wants to talk, buys you a drink... Sit down with this guy... See if he's smart, sweet, lonely, hip, nerdy, whatever. Behave accordingly. Match his pace, intelligence, and his sense of humor.
Do not ask if he wants a dance. Stick with him. Wait til your turn onstage again, and he'll tip you a lot when you're up there, which usually makes others do the same, and more interested, cuz they see you're devoting your attention to one guy and not all desperate. Also, obviously, see how much he's tipping, because if he likes you, he'll tip what he can afford, and sometimes that's peanuts, and call for a *graceful exit.
Now, by the time a guy has talked to you for a bit, and feels like he knows you, it's usually totally okay to say, Ok! You stickin' around? I'm just gonna go make the rounds for a bit and see if I can get any dances... Make it kinda funny, and they'll usually be like, Oh of course, do what ya gotta do, or, Hey, aren't you gonna ask me? That way you cover all the bases, and always have someone to go back to and sit with... While you're making the rounds, another girl might come up to them, and ask them for a dance, and they'll be totally overit, and whenever you come back to them they'll want to talk to you.
A lot of the girls will just come up to the guys at the beginning of the night and ask for a dance or talk to them for a second and then walk away and whine in the dressing room how he's cheap and not tipping. Stupid. Most guys who come in early and aren't regulars are lonely and want to like, feel like they're special and have a special connection with a girl, and don't wanna feel like they're being hustled, even though that's exactly what's going on.
Now, later in the night, gets more packed and people are more drunk, I still don't go up and just ask for a dance right off the bat. Again, see who's watching you onstage, and only initiate the dance thing, with the guy you've been chatting to, or the new people who've been watching you, if there's a "Two for One," which is all the frickin' time, like every four songs. Make it sound like a deal, obviously. Explain it earnestly and slowly like a bimbo.
And, of course it helps to be really pretty, and a good dancer. Always seem like you're in a good mood. DON'T COMPLAIN, already. And everything slooooow, slow, slow. These girls just ambush the duders or come at them like vultures. Some of them come on really strong and basically scare the guys into getting dances, and it works for them, but it's not necessary. And besides you don't wanna make your money with dances. I only do that on a shitty night. It means a cut of your earnings, and the really big spenders don't usually get them...
*As far as walking away from a duder, always be cheerful and nice about it and say you'll be around and come back in a bit. Even if you're never ever going near the cheap bastard again.
That's about it. It's pretty obvious and intuitive but kind of hard to perfect. Also... It kinda helps to not be friends with the other girls. They waste their time hanging together and complaining when it's slow and get caught up drinking together and being assholes. Get really LOOSE, I mean, it's never a good idea to turn down a drink... And you wanna be relaxed and fun. And seem a little drunk. But never get drunk. You just lose your focus and sometimes your money.
Yep. That's it.
Anyway.
I was telling J how I did the math and realized I'll be okay money-wise, that it's been dead at the club, but I always manage to squeeze out of there with a buck-fifty minimum, like it always comes SOMEHOW by the end of the night even after tipout, and that the other girls are all really over me by now, because they'll walk out of there with like fifteen, thirty, sixty, on these nights... and I totally understand it because sometimes I'll be sitting there for the first two or three hours and there's like nary a soul around, and I'm like, wow, I'm gonna make ten dollars tonight... But it doesn't happen, and he was like what is it that makes you better at it? So, I'm gonna break it down here. My secrets. The art of the club.
It took me a while to get this... I think like with everything, it's just kinda practice, and I've never really thought about it, but it's kinda like this:
First. If you walk in and one of your regulars is there, you go sit with them obviously, but if they're talking to another girl, you just come with a warm, familiar friendly hello, smile and nod at the lady, and say okay well I'll talk to you in a bit...
If there aren't any regulars, you don't go up to anyone until you go onstage. You go onstage, scope out the crowd, see how people react while you're up there, then take a moment after you get off and go around and gently talk to all of them, slowly approaching, just smiling, see if they're open to talking, ask if they enjoyed the show, everything slowly, clocking the reactions... If they're cheap and at all reluctant to tip, or try to be smartasses, or talk a big game, forget about them completely. Don't even look at 'em again. Usually I'll find one guy who really wants to talk, buys you a drink... Sit down with this guy... See if he's smart, sweet, lonely, hip, nerdy, whatever. Behave accordingly. Match his pace, intelligence, and his sense of humor.
Do not ask if he wants a dance. Stick with him. Wait til your turn onstage again, and he'll tip you a lot when you're up there, which usually makes others do the same, and more interested, cuz they see you're devoting your attention to one guy and not all desperate. Also, obviously, see how much he's tipping, because if he likes you, he'll tip what he can afford, and sometimes that's peanuts, and call for a *graceful exit.
Now, by the time a guy has talked to you for a bit, and feels like he knows you, it's usually totally okay to say, Ok! You stickin' around? I'm just gonna go make the rounds for a bit and see if I can get any dances... Make it kinda funny, and they'll usually be like, Oh of course, do what ya gotta do, or, Hey, aren't you gonna ask me? That way you cover all the bases, and always have someone to go back to and sit with... While you're making the rounds, another girl might come up to them, and ask them for a dance, and they'll be totally overit, and whenever you come back to them they'll want to talk to you.
A lot of the girls will just come up to the guys at the beginning of the night and ask for a dance or talk to them for a second and then walk away and whine in the dressing room how he's cheap and not tipping. Stupid. Most guys who come in early and aren't regulars are lonely and want to like, feel like they're special and have a special connection with a girl, and don't wanna feel like they're being hustled, even though that's exactly what's going on.
Now, later in the night, gets more packed and people are more drunk, I still don't go up and just ask for a dance right off the bat. Again, see who's watching you onstage, and only initiate the dance thing, with the guy you've been chatting to, or the new people who've been watching you, if there's a "Two for One," which is all the frickin' time, like every four songs. Make it sound like a deal, obviously. Explain it earnestly and slowly like a bimbo.
And, of course it helps to be really pretty, and a good dancer. Always seem like you're in a good mood. DON'T COMPLAIN, already. And everything slooooow, slow, slow. These girls just ambush the duders or come at them like vultures. Some of them come on really strong and basically scare the guys into getting dances, and it works for them, but it's not necessary. And besides you don't wanna make your money with dances. I only do that on a shitty night. It means a cut of your earnings, and the really big spenders don't usually get them...
*As far as walking away from a duder, always be cheerful and nice about it and say you'll be around and come back in a bit. Even if you're never ever going near the cheap bastard again.
That's about it. It's pretty obvious and intuitive but kind of hard to perfect. Also... It kinda helps to not be friends with the other girls. They waste their time hanging together and complaining when it's slow and get caught up drinking together and being assholes. Get really LOOSE, I mean, it's never a good idea to turn down a drink... And you wanna be relaxed and fun. And seem a little drunk. But never get drunk. You just lose your focus and sometimes your money.
Yep. That's it.
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