Funny, that.
Against all better judgment, and because I have to be at work soon, and S is coming to fix my headlight bulb in like 5 minutes, I was compelled to stop at Julian's. At like ten to 8. I decided I'd take his Eckhart Tolle CD to return it and see what happened. I almost hoped he wouldn't be there because it was such a mess and I'd be potentially blowing off a friend who was coming to FIX MY CAR...
And he wasn't. I got there, and his car wasn't in the lot.
While I was driving I heard my phone go off, e-mail alert. And when I got back in the car to drive home it was a message from Julian. The subject was "received."
I missed him by like 5 minutes.
I was compelled to rush over there when he was writing that e-mail.
It was just a thank you for sending the insurance check, and that he was looking forward to listening to my CD, and an "I hope you are well."
...But I looked in the e-mail headers (cuz I'm a stalker like that) and saw that it was indeed sent from his office IP, and actually in a response to an e-mail I wrote him a while back, that said all this stuff.
Anyway.
I'm not going to respond.
Showing posts with label psychologist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychologist. Show all posts
Friday, September 10, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Bonkers, Brilliant, or Brave?
from another letter to julian, from last night. i saw him today. nothing happened, but, it's always good to see him...
"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.
so i cant say i blame you jd
Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.
and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.
and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...
and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............
you want to kill me right now dont you.
if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.
oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless
good night
love
s"
bonkers, brilliant or brave?
"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.
so i cant say i blame you jd
Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.
and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.
and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...
and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............
you want to kill me right now dont you.
if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.
oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless
good night
love
s"
bonkers, brilliant or brave?
Saturday, May 22, 2010
UM
Today I shifted forward in my seat slightly to sit up a little straighter because I felt I was slouching and you INSTANTLY retreated and moved your entire chair back, and I even INSTANTLIER heaved myself over to the VEEEERY end of the couch away from you and just shook my head and scoffed, midway through my sentence, and i didn't even look up at you as I did it, or after I did it, or move back, I just went right on talking and not looking at you, as we played Chicken, and it was like playing with a sign that said "Don't Play Chicken With Cars. The Cars Will Win." And it was, okay, how far are we gonna take this okay, Dare! Dare! Dare! DARE. DARE.
Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....
Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.
I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.
Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.
Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.
There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?
Um... well...
I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.
I am!
Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?
Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?
::smirk:: I mean if you are, I haven't heard anything about them.
::stifled smirk:: Really?
Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?
Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...
I see. Is that getting worse?
::nod:: Yes.
Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--
BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,
Can I see that book by the way?
Here--- ::gives it:: For example, I read this and it was so obvious to me what the shape was about. And everyone was like, Oh that ending was such a copout! And I was just like, no, I mean, that was the entire POINT, and-- that's not the one I wanted to give you-- that's the one I'm talking about now--
I know. ::reading in the middle::
Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...
::as though not listening. Beat. Gives back book.::
SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.
::nodding:: So...?
So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...
Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.
Ah- right... Yeah.
But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--
Ha!
Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---
::::::tone break, as J describes his shrink friend and why they like each other, emphasis on individual strengths... expounds on history of certain Central Asian country genocide and residual resultant cultural side effects... S laughs, waxes pharmaceutical, ties to Psych class, tonight's exam at bowling alley. J gets a helluva kick out of this. Apologizes for laughing. ("I'm sorry it's just... It's just surreal, actually, it's really Napoleon Dynamite, I mean the test at the bowling alley? Naturally! Sorry for making light of it... What? Is there a malevolent subtext I'm missing?") ::::::::::::::
So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?
Um...
I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...
Well...
Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--
Okay. Okay.
Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::
:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?
Yes?
Can you give me his number?
Sorry?
The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?
Oh, sure.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....
Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.
I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.
Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.
Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.
There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?
Um... well...
I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.
I am!
Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?
Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?
::stifled smirk:: Really?
Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?
Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...
I see. Is that getting worse?
::nod:: Yes.
Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--
BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,
Can I see that book by the way?
Here--- ::gives it::
I know. ::reading in the middle::
Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...
SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.
So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...
Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.
Ah- right... Yeah.
But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--
Ha!
Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---
So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?
Um...
I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...
Well...
Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--
Okay. Okay.
Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::
:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?
Yes?
Can you give me his number?
Sorry?
The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?
Oh, sure.....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday at 6 45.
At 6:30 I flipped on his waiting room switch.
He opened the door at 6:45, smiling brilliantly. He gave me my movie. I give him his coffee.
"Thanks," he said.
"Tell me if it's-- are you with someone right now?"
"No, not for a few minutes, do you want to come in?"
"Sure."
"The coffee is really bad."
"It's Table Top." I laughed.
He put it on the floor next to his chair, but then stood back up. I was standing.
"I have another one for you-"
"The 'Lars and the Real Girl'?"
"You haven't seen it, yet, right?"
"No, I want to,"
"Okay, good."
"You own it?"
"I ordered it."
.......................................
"It's really good, it's funny and heart-warming and weird, and, you'd think it would be kinda kinky--"
"Uh-huh,"
"But no, it's not. But it takes place in a little town in Canada up north..."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah... You grew up in Minneapolis or?"
"I'm from Wisconsin. I went to school in Minneapolis..."
"Oh, Madison?"
He nodded. "Good place to be from. General lack of neuroses that makes me uncomfortable."
I laughed and shook my head. "Do you ever visit?"
"I've gone back twice in twenty years."
"Wow. What made you..."
"I went to my high school reunion--"
"Did you really?"
"-and it was GREAT. So I went again... But the people were like, I felt like they were exaggerating, their accents it was like so 'Hi how are ya!' but they weren't! It was just, I grew up with these people?? It was really different. It was just different."
I was laughing and leaning against his bookcase. "Is your family there?"
"There was a diaspora..."
I laughed, "Yeah."
"My parents are from New York City..."
"Ahhh. That makes sense." I looked at him. He smiled.
"Do you ever go back to Pennsylvania?"
"Never." I said. "There's nothing."
We looked at each other for a moment. He looked down at his coffee on the floor. "Well..."
"Yeah," I said and turned toward the door.
"Oh- the other one-"
"Would you like to-"
He laughed, he went over to the door and held it open. "See you Tuesday,"
"Have a good weekend Julian."
"Okay."
"Not too good." I said as I walked past him.
He opened the door at 6:45, smiling brilliantly. He gave me my movie. I give him his coffee.
"Thanks," he said.
"Tell me if it's-- are you with someone right now?"
"No, not for a few minutes, do you want to come in?"
"Sure."
"The coffee is really bad."
"It's Table Top." I laughed.
He put it on the floor next to his chair, but then stood back up. I was standing.
"I have another one for you-"
"The 'Lars and the Real Girl'?"
"You haven't seen it, yet, right?"
"No, I want to,"
"Okay, good."
"You own it?"
"I ordered it."
.......................................
"It's really good, it's funny and heart-warming and weird, and, you'd think it would be kinda kinky--"
"Uh-huh,"
"But no, it's not. But it takes place in a little town in Canada up north..."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah... You grew up in Minneapolis or?"
"I'm from Wisconsin. I went to school in Minneapolis..."
"Oh, Madison?"
He nodded. "Good place to be from. General lack of neuroses that makes me uncomfortable."
I laughed and shook my head. "Do you ever visit?"
"I've gone back twice in twenty years."
"Wow. What made you..."
"I went to my high school reunion--"
"Did you really?"
"-and it was GREAT. So I went again... But the people were like, I felt like they were exaggerating, their accents it was like so 'Hi how are ya!' but they weren't! It was just, I grew up with these people?? It was really different. It was just different."
I was laughing and leaning against his bookcase. "Is your family there?"
"There was a diaspora..."
I laughed, "Yeah."
"My parents are from New York City..."
"Ahhh. That makes sense." I looked at him. He smiled.
"Do you ever go back to Pennsylvania?"
"Never." I said. "There's nothing."
We looked at each other for a moment. He looked down at his coffee on the floor. "Well..."
"Yeah," I said and turned toward the door.
"Oh- the other one-"
"Would you like to-"
He laughed, he went over to the door and held it open. "See you Tuesday,"
"Have a good weekend Julian."
"Okay."
"Not too good." I said as I walked past him.
Friday at 5.
"I don't want to force the issue, though I'm open to it, and on one hand I feel like our conservations are just intensifying our feelings... but, you shy away from it whenever it comes up and I understand that, because, besides, well you were angry at me, but usually, we have... an amazing connection... right?"
"Yes." I smiled.
"I mean we talk to each other, and it's great, and I'm... I look forward to talking to you... I'm happy to talk to you, so..."
"Me too."
"I forgot what it was like, to talk like this."
"I never knew what it was like... to talk like this."
"That's why I hope you can... forgive some of that anger, self-directed or at me..."
"I hope you can forgive me for throwing things at you."
"It wasn't at me, it was at the wall?"
"Well there were two things..."
"No, just the hair-tie?"
"Okay, just the hair-tie."
.............................................
............................................
"I have your movie but I left it in my car.. if you're going next door anyway and want to wait like an hour--"
"Yeah--"
"I can trade you-"
"Did you want another filthy Table Top coffee?"
"Oh, you don't- okay.."
"Ah, cream no sugar?"
"Yes."
"Okay. See you at six fifty-two..."
"Scarlet-"
"What?"
"Um, I don't know."
"No?"
"Nope."
"'Kay."
"Okay."
"See you in-"
"Bye."
"Yes." I smiled.
"I mean we talk to each other, and it's great, and I'm... I look forward to talking to you... I'm happy to talk to you, so..."
"Me too."
"I forgot what it was like, to talk like this."
"I never knew what it was like... to talk like this."
"That's why I hope you can... forgive some of that anger, self-directed or at me..."
"I hope you can forgive me for throwing things at you."
"It wasn't at me, it was at the wall?"
"Well there were two things..."
"No, just the hair-tie?"
"Okay, just the hair-tie."
.............................................
............................................
"I have your movie but I left it in my car.. if you're going next door anyway and want to wait like an hour--"
"Yeah--"
"I can trade you-"
"Did you want another filthy Table Top coffee?"
"Oh, you don't- okay.."
"Ah, cream no sugar?"
"Yes."
"Okay. See you at six fifty-two..."
"Scarlet-"
"What?"
"Um, I don't know."
"No?"
"Nope."
"'Kay."
"Okay."
"See you in-"
"Bye."
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sitting in Psych.
I made myself go.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!
But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...
Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.
So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"
He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."
And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.
Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.
Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.
Sigh. Cry-time.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!
But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...
Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.
So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"
He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."
And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.
Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.
Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.
Sigh. Cry-time.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Letters to Julian in Succession.
Thanks.
Personal X
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 5:45 PM (20 hours ago)
Dear Julian:
Here's a list of what I'm thinking now. These are some things for which I wanted to give thanks. To you. For.
1. Thanks. Thanks for helping me reali3e that I hate this fucking hellhole and need to leave it now.
2. Thanks. Thanks for allowing me to embarrass myself repeatedly, yes, I know it's therapy and I'm supposed to act like a lunatic, but I do, in fact have some dignity, and shame, and throwing myself albeit electronically at an expecting father is not a move in my lifegame strategy.
3. And thanks again, thanks for turning all the decent coffeeshops in this little town into red-tape 3ones. In fact. I think the whole neighborhood is brimming with ha3mat.
4. Thank-you for making sad movies that much sadder, in fact, unwatchable.
5. Thanks for borrowing from my one of my top-5 favorite authors to spike the punch in the face.
6. Thanksmuch for all the jokes and again the recommendations and the hair and all those little things that make me love you even more every day instead of acting like a dull boring tasteless idiot, when, "What would help?" THAT would've helped. Thanks. Your wife and kids and everything. Yes. They help in making me reali3e what an ass I am and that impossible does not come in shades. But it doesn't help make me feel less for you. So yeah. It helps. It'll help me move on. Possibly move period. But it's no less painful.
7. Thanks for letting me spend oh about eight months of my rapidly dimishing youth living in a fantasy and embarrassing myself.
8. Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.
9. Thanks for turning me into a Nabokovian monstrosity.
10. Thanks for completely destroying my faith in humanity.
Ok. Thanks. I hate everything. And want to die. But I don't hate you. No. I love you. And I HATE THAT. And I do think, that you've been just a little irresponsible. Or oblivious. Or something. I'm sure you have been stressed out and wiped out and busy with your work and your kids, and your 3rd term pregnant undoubtedly incredible wife. And you're happy. And you should be. And I'm not being ironic or sarcastic here. (But only here.) But I do. I think you've handled this badly. I'm paraly3ed. And sick.
Thanks
Love
S
Take your fucking check
Reply
Forward
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:02 PM (19 hours ago)
THE WIND IS SCREAMING AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. Thanks.
- Show quoted text -
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:10 PM (19 hours ago)
Good morning! Said the nightmare. Time to get up now! You're been on some hallucinogenic drugs. We have to inform you. You don't remember. But there was a terrible accident. Yes. They're... gone. Yes. They're gone too. Do you know where you are?
Nightmare?
Yes. Do you know the date and time?
Um... November 12th, 2008..
It's April 29th, 2010.
What?
Do you know who you are, Ma'am?
..........
..........
No.
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:17 PM (19 hours ago)
Congratulations on your baby.
I think I'm done. With therapy. Yup.
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:18 PM (19 hours ago)
Aren't you relieved.
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:30 PM (19 hours ago)
I'm about to take 4 ativan (no thats not a lethal dosage, it'll make me loopy so I'm not fucking threatening you or pulling any borderline shit on you cu3 i'm actually not a Borderline, thanks. though i hope i'm making you feel bad, cu3 you made me feel REAL bad, so why shouldnt i? cu3 its not fault, no, its not, though again, i think you handled it BADLY. but you probably wont feel bad because you know you did everything right and im just being the... whatever.) so I might sleep through tomorrow, unlikely though. if i dont. yeah. i would like to talk to you Julian. please. thanks. maybe i wont tomorrow. obviously. things are never so lasting or definitive in my world as they are in yours. but no. how can i not want to talk to you. of course i want to talk to you. I MISS YOU. I want to look at you. I want to talk to you. I am pathetic and I am disgusted with myself. For being this pathetic. If, rather, when (believe it or not I've been on the other side of this too. Many times. Well I guess it's only fair that I should get it too. Karma's a bitch like that.) someone has been this pathetic over me, still wanted to be around, still wanted to talk, still wasted their time and money and breath on me, knowing I was N.I. Not. Interested. I found that pretty pathetic. Now I don't feel so strongly on the matter. Well I guess theres a life lesson I can thank ya for. THANK-YOU J
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:32 PM (19 hours ago)
FUCKING ANSWER ME PLEASE. NO? CAN'T DO IT OVER E-MAIL? just send me a blank email, or better yet, just send me an invoice. HAHAHAHA. Yeah. Send me that. Thank-You.
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Julian Darcy
to me
show details 6:52 PM (19 hours ago)
Scarlet,
Can I call you just before 9 tonight?
Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
Please.
-Show quoted text-
show details 6:55 PM (19 hours ago)
Julian Darcy
to me
Confirmed.
Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.
Personal X
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 5:45 PM (20 hours ago)
Dear Julian:
Here's a list of what I'm thinking now. These are some things for which I wanted to give thanks. To you. For.
1. Thanks. Thanks for helping me reali3e that I hate this fucking hellhole and need to leave it now.
2. Thanks. Thanks for allowing me to embarrass myself repeatedly, yes, I know it's therapy and I'm supposed to act like a lunatic, but I do, in fact have some dignity, and shame, and throwing myself albeit electronically at an expecting father is not a move in my lifegame strategy.
3. And thanks again, thanks for turning all the decent coffeeshops in this little town into red-tape 3ones. In fact. I think the whole neighborhood is brimming with ha3mat.
4. Thank-you for making sad movies that much sadder, in fact, unwatchable.
5. Thanks for borrowing from my one of my top-5 favorite authors to spike the punch in the face.
6. Thanksmuch for all the jokes and again the recommendations and the hair and all those little things that make me love you even more every day instead of acting like a dull boring tasteless idiot, when, "What would help?" THAT would've helped. Thanks. Your wife and kids and everything. Yes. They help in making me reali3e what an ass I am and that impossible does not come in shades. But it doesn't help make me feel less for you. So yeah. It helps. It'll help me move on. Possibly move period. But it's no less painful.
7. Thanks for letting me spend oh about eight months of my rapidly dimishing youth living in a fantasy and embarrassing myself.
8. Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.
9. Thanks for turning me into a Nabokovian monstrosity.
10. Thanks for completely destroying my faith in humanity.
Ok. Thanks. I hate everything. And want to die. But I don't hate you. No. I love you. And I HATE THAT. And I do think, that you've been just a little irresponsible. Or oblivious. Or something. I'm sure you have been stressed out and wiped out and busy with your work and your kids, and your 3rd term pregnant undoubtedly incredible wife. And you're happy. And you should be. And I'm not being ironic or sarcastic here. (But only here.) But I do. I think you've handled this badly. I'm paraly3ed. And sick.
Thanks
Love
S
Take your fucking check
Reply
Forward
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:02 PM (19 hours ago)
THE WIND IS SCREAMING AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. Thanks.
- Show quoted text -
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:10 PM (19 hours ago)
Good morning! Said the nightmare. Time to get up now! You're been on some hallucinogenic drugs. We have to inform you. You don't remember. But there was a terrible accident. Yes. They're... gone. Yes. They're gone too. Do you know where you are?
Nightmare?
Yes. Do you know the date and time?
Um... November 12th, 2008..
It's April 29th, 2010.
What?
Do you know who you are, Ma'am?
..........
..........
No.
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:17 PM (19 hours ago)
Congratulations on your baby.
I think I'm done. With therapy. Yup.
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:18 PM (19 hours ago)
Aren't you relieved.
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:30 PM (19 hours ago)
I'm about to take 4 ativan (no thats not a lethal dosage, it'll make me loopy so I'm not fucking threatening you or pulling any borderline shit on you cu3 i'm actually not a Borderline, thanks. though i hope i'm making you feel bad, cu3 you made me feel REAL bad, so why shouldnt i? cu3 its not fault, no, its not, though again, i think you handled it BADLY. but you probably wont feel bad because you know you did everything right and im just being the... whatever.) so I might sleep through tomorrow, unlikely though. if i dont. yeah. i would like to talk to you Julian. please. thanks. maybe i wont tomorrow. obviously. things are never so lasting or definitive in my world as they are in yours. but no. how can i not want to talk to you. of course i want to talk to you. I MISS YOU. I want to look at you. I want to talk to you. I am pathetic and I am disgusted with myself. For being this pathetic. If, rather, when (believe it or not I've been on the other side of this too. Many times. Well I guess it's only fair that I should get it too. Karma's a bitch like that.) someone has been this pathetic over me, still wanted to be around, still wanted to talk, still wasted their time and money and breath on me, knowing I was N.I. Not. Interested. I found that pretty pathetic. Now I don't feel so strongly on the matter. Well I guess theres a life lesson I can thank ya for. THANK-YOU J
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:32 PM (19 hours ago)
FUCKING ANSWER ME PLEASE. NO? CAN'T DO IT OVER E-MAIL? just send me a blank email, or better yet, just send me an invoice. HAHAHAHA. Yeah. Send me that. Thank-You.
- Show quoted text -
Reply
Julian Darcy
to me
show details 6:52 PM (19 hours ago)
Scarlet,
Can I call you just before 9 tonight?
Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.
Reply
Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
Please.
-Show quoted text-
show details 6:55 PM (19 hours ago)
Julian Darcy
to me
Confirmed.
Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I have nothing to tell my Grandma.
He tried to get me to say stuff about my mood swinging and coloring my perspective and I actually kind of laughed at him because it was so forced and desperate, he was like, "Well. You have this mood... that swings... back and forth." And I was like, HA. And he was like "I'm trying to be a serious psychologist for a minute here." So, that made me laugh. And then, he continued, more astute, about looking at the external situation and I kept on saying No. I know. But. It's not like that. And he said, Oh, well, why not, you tell me?
So I (completely pretending I had NOT JUST WRITTEN HIM about why I'm miserable right now... as he was, because, for all I know, maybe he hasn't even read it, right?) said:
"Okay. It's like... I have nothing to tell my Grandma right now. On the phone... Well I can make stuff up..."
"Oh..." he said, "Well.. what would you like to tell your Grandma?"
"Well, she just wants to hear--" I said, "That I have a nice boyfriend, and I'm at a job I like." I started tearing up. "So, I don't have anything to tell her." I put my face in my hands. And just sat there like that sobbing still and silent into my hands for a while.
So I (completely pretending I had NOT JUST WRITTEN HIM about why I'm miserable right now... as he was, because, for all I know, maybe he hasn't even read it, right?) said:
"Okay. It's like... I have nothing to tell my Grandma right now. On the phone... Well I can make stuff up..."
"Oh..." he said, "Well.. what would you like to tell your Grandma?"
"Well, she just wants to hear--" I said, "That I have a nice boyfriend, and I'm at a job I like." I started tearing up. "So, I don't have anything to tell her." I put my face in my hands. And just sat there like that sobbing still and silent into my hands for a while.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
So, hmm. Scene Six, Take Two.
Well hell's belles.
Okay. So this is what happened again. I deleted some about it, but over the last couple weeks I've just been kinda bubbling up again, on the lemon-gin-fi33-that-is... I've-
I've been doing other stuff, too. I'm going out with a 3illionaire. His address isn't even a real address. I met him at that party I went to with the necro. And we've gone out twice. Haven't really kissed him yet, clearly, NO interest-- but we've gone out twice. And will on Friday. Probably. He is actually- and I know I've said this, but I do mean it this time- really kinda brilliant, and kinda awesome, but, I am just not attracted. I am just not. Not when I've got Dr. Drrr-r-reamy-ohmygod-shutup-nowaythatsyourshrink-he'sgorgeous-says-every-girlfriend-I've-linked-to-his website to satiate their curiousity, fuck, sitting at me like that.
He sat so close to me last week. I touched his leg. Not even by accident. Not even by pretend-accident. Just one of those, like, "Oh my god I KNOW!" things where you touch the person, to more emphatically relate on a point. And he kinda tapped me back, with his foot. When I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just like--" and did it again. And then he moved his feet away. I mourned on the inside.
And THEN, a minute after THAT, he moved them back. Closer. So our feet were touching. For a few minutes. And I had to pretend four of my six stomachs weren't doing the cumbia.
He has a huge, roomy office. No need to be up on me like that.
And those last couple weeks were straight BAR-CHAT. Jokes and movie recommendations and restaurant recommendations and even [no] religion & politics [at the bar]. I've gone to three of his restaurant recommendations in the last week. He's like-- marking his territory. Cu3 I'm not gonna think of anything else now, at those places, in my (and his) neighborhood. And I've seen two of his movies and have the next two in my Netflix queue and-- he's got one of mine now. One I bought. That I lent him. Ayup. Got it indefinitely. Scented version. Hahahaha. That shit is CKOne'd out of its goddamn mind believe me.
But, so, all that being said. I am still, not, anything, clearly, with him, and, still, doubt that I ever will be (as in, there is doubt, not as in, I totally doubt), so, yeah, I drank myself UTTERLY STUPID over the last few days, everyone, I apologi3e, and, well, I was really upset, because, like, this is happening again, where I just can't not-say-anything-anymore, it's the same thing, again, so, now, I wrote him, that little thing I posted about my dream, but, also, something substantially longer, a little more direct (but not much. This is direct as I get.) and I saw him today, and, didn't say anything, but was not all cheery like I have been, and he said so, and there was a little bit of restaurant and movie talk but then it sorta stopped, like it always does when I'm feelin' weird, because, well, it's Julian, I'm not putting on a show for him and he knows I'm a wackjob. And he knows I'm not.
Okay. So this is what happened again. I deleted some about it, but over the last couple weeks I've just been kinda bubbling up again, on the lemon-gin-fi33-that-is... I've-
I've been doing other stuff, too. I'm going out with a 3illionaire. His address isn't even a real address. I met him at that party I went to with the necro. And we've gone out twice. Haven't really kissed him yet, clearly, NO interest-- but we've gone out twice. And will on Friday. Probably. He is actually- and I know I've said this, but I do mean it this time- really kinda brilliant, and kinda awesome, but, I am just not attracted. I am just not. Not when I've got Dr. Drrr-r-reamy-ohmygod-shutup-nowaythatsyourshrink-he'sgorgeous-says-every-girlfriend-I've-linked-to-his website to satiate their curiousity, fuck, sitting at me like that.
He sat so close to me last week. I touched his leg. Not even by accident. Not even by pretend-accident. Just one of those, like, "Oh my god I KNOW!" things where you touch the person, to more emphatically relate on a point. And he kinda tapped me back, with his foot. When I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just like--" and did it again. And then he moved his feet away. I mourned on the inside.
And THEN, a minute after THAT, he moved them back. Closer. So our feet were touching. For a few minutes. And I had to pretend four of my six stomachs weren't doing the cumbia.
He has a huge, roomy office. No need to be up on me like that.
And those last couple weeks were straight BAR-CHAT. Jokes and movie recommendations and restaurant recommendations and even [no] religion & politics [at the bar]. I've gone to three of his restaurant recommendations in the last week. He's like-- marking his territory. Cu3 I'm not gonna think of anything else now, at those places, in my (and his) neighborhood. And I've seen two of his movies and have the next two in my Netflix queue and-- he's got one of mine now. One I bought. That I lent him. Ayup. Got it indefinitely. Scented version. Hahahaha. That shit is CKOne'd out of its goddamn mind believe me.
But, so, all that being said. I am still, not, anything, clearly, with him, and, still, doubt that I ever will be (as in, there is doubt, not as in, I totally doubt), so, yeah, I drank myself UTTERLY STUPID over the last few days, everyone, I apologi3e, and, well, I was really upset, because, like, this is happening again, where I just can't not-say-anything-anymore, it's the same thing, again, so, now, I wrote him, that little thing I posted about my dream, but, also, something substantially longer, a little more direct (but not much. This is direct as I get.) and I saw him today, and, didn't say anything, but was not all cheery like I have been, and he said so, and there was a little bit of restaurant and movie talk but then it sorta stopped, like it always does when I'm feelin' weird, because, well, it's Julian, I'm not putting on a show for him and he knows I'm a wackjob. And he knows I'm not.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The final flirt.
I'm actually getting upset again thinking about tomorrow, and how I'll feel after tomorrow... Not because I'll feel worse about anything, but just because I won't feel better enough, and I'll have four days to deal with... And I feel kind of horrible, and not-okay morally even-- throwing myself at him like that and telling him I wanted to "tremble and scream in [his] Jag"... Which, omg, IS his car... Tuesday, before he told me he was not interested, that he would never, that I was dreaming, he had to admit I was right about the uncanny things I end up being right about, that I don't even give a second thought.... (and that are NEVER of any consequence either.)...
"God... I'm.. Sorry about that letter... That's totally not even your--"
"It's my car."
"Oh!" I laughed. "Obviously... It's so obvious."
"Right. ...I hate having a spot in front of the building; everyone in this neighborhood needs like, a Prius..."
"Its a hot car; I've been admiring it for ages, I knew it was yours..."
He shifted in his seat.
"So was I right about the birthday too?" I asked, half-joking.
"Oh, well, what did you give yourself there, a 5-month, 4-month range?"
"Well yeah, I said I'd wanna tack on August, but I really only-"
"-ANYWAY!" he said, actually cutting me OFF to change the subject. Wow. Obviously I nailed it.
June or July...
But what does it matter. My beautiful Julian. No more flirting. I was so wrong about so much for so long. And I still.
Love.
Him.
"God... I'm.. Sorry about that letter... That's totally not even your--"
"It's my car."
"Oh!" I laughed. "Obviously... It's so obvious."
"Right. ...I hate having a spot in front of the building; everyone in this neighborhood needs like, a Prius..."
"Its a hot car; I've been admiring it for ages, I knew it was yours..."
He shifted in his seat.
"So was I right about the birthday too?" I asked, half-joking.
"Oh, well, what did you give yourself there, a 5-month, 4-month range?"
"Well yeah, I said I'd wanna tack on August, but I really only-"
"-ANYWAY!" he said, actually cutting me OFF to change the subject. Wow. Obviously I nailed it.
June or July...
But what does it matter. My beautiful Julian. No more flirting. I was so wrong about so much for so long. And I still.
Love.
Him.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
And Julian.
And I walked into his office.
And again I got happy, weak in the knees, excited. He was so sweet... He was, he was in admiration... I don't know why I thought that because he made the appointment everything had changed... we talked about the article and my classes... And he told me a lot of personal-ish things... Career personal... and theories... and I was rapt and then I fell silent... and I switched seats... so we sat closer... and my body ached for him... and he said, "You look so pensive..." And he said "You need to be able to speak freely..." And he said,
"Okay, I wasn't going to bail you out, but you asked if I was being sarcastic... and no, I wasn't... I just realized as soon as I said that, that it was a gimmick, and cliche, and I didn't want to say it, it just seemed like the thing to say, it was... I think it was coming from a good place... but it was... well not necessarily clumsy, maybe clumsy, well it was a bad endeavor, so, I apologize for that, I'm glad you called me on it... And there were many other things I said on Tuesday that were... forced... I won't say those things anymore..."
"I'd rather you didn't, because they don't work, and I recognize the gimmick, and-"
"I know, I'm sorry... You're staring..."
"Sorry..." I said, and my body was burning so hard.... "I'm just, I'm physically distracted... I don't even have thoughts. I'm just... looking... I'm eating ice cream..." I said.
"Okay," he paused. "But there's always a direction of thought... I don't want to make you talk about anything, but what happens is now, you come in, and then you just stop, the dialogue stops, so... You're saying it's pointless to say those things you write... But don't you think it might be more beneficial than saying nothing at all?"
I laughed.
"You're very articulate when you write and... And I don't mind the e-mails, I'm glad you're telling me how you feel, but it's like you always say it after you leave... I just think instead of carrying on these two separate conversations, it might be valuable to say some of those things in here, where I can respond to them, right?"
"Right... Bail me out Julian..."
"Well the clock might bail you out soon--"
"I don't want the clock to bail me out."
"Oh, well... Why don't you think of a question you'd want to address, just so that you're not constraining yourself--"
"I have to constrain myself." I blurted out dead serious staring at the floor.
He laughed.
"Are you just like, oh god, this girl on my couch that'll never leave, stammering here about-"
He looked at me and shook his head and mouth 'no.'
"What you said on Tuesday about maybe it's good that I'm attracted to you since it shows I'm no longer looking for-"
"Ineffectual basement dwellers..."
"Hah, yes. Well... it was just..."
"It was clumsy and forced, it was one of those cliches, and I'm sorry I said it."
"Yes."
"I concede that. Was that what you wanted to say?"
"Yeah, it pissed me off..."
"Good."
And then the clock bailed me out, and I said, Okay, and he said, okay, and I took a breath on the couch, and I got up and stood really close to him for a second, closer than I ever have and then mouthed 'Bye.'
And again I got happy, weak in the knees, excited. He was so sweet... He was, he was in admiration... I don't know why I thought that because he made the appointment everything had changed... we talked about the article and my classes... And he told me a lot of personal-ish things... Career personal... and theories... and I was rapt and then I fell silent... and I switched seats... so we sat closer... and my body ached for him... and he said, "You look so pensive..." And he said "You need to be able to speak freely..." And he said,
"Okay, I wasn't going to bail you out, but you asked if I was being sarcastic... and no, I wasn't... I just realized as soon as I said that, that it was a gimmick, and cliche, and I didn't want to say it, it just seemed like the thing to say, it was... I think it was coming from a good place... but it was... well not necessarily clumsy, maybe clumsy, well it was a bad endeavor, so, I apologize for that, I'm glad you called me on it... And there were many other things I said on Tuesday that were... forced... I won't say those things anymore..."
"I'd rather you didn't, because they don't work, and I recognize the gimmick, and-"
"I know, I'm sorry... You're staring..."
"Sorry..." I said, and my body was burning so hard.... "I'm just, I'm physically distracted... I don't even have thoughts. I'm just... looking... I'm eating ice cream..." I said.
"Okay," he paused. "But there's always a direction of thought... I don't want to make you talk about anything, but what happens is now, you come in, and then you just stop, the dialogue stops, so... You're saying it's pointless to say those things you write... But don't you think it might be more beneficial than saying nothing at all?"
I laughed.
"You're very articulate when you write and... And I don't mind the e-mails, I'm glad you're telling me how you feel, but it's like you always say it after you leave... I just think instead of carrying on these two separate conversations, it might be valuable to say some of those things in here, where I can respond to them, right?"
"Right... Bail me out Julian..."
"Well the clock might bail you out soon--"
"I don't want the clock to bail me out."
"Oh, well... Why don't you think of a question you'd want to address, just so that you're not constraining yourself--"
"I have to constrain myself." I blurted out dead serious staring at the floor.
He laughed.
"Are you just like, oh god, this girl on my couch that'll never leave, stammering here about-"
He looked at me and shook his head and mouth 'no.'
"What you said on Tuesday about maybe it's good that I'm attracted to you since it shows I'm no longer looking for-"
"Ineffectual basement dwellers..."
"Hah, yes. Well... it was just..."
"It was clumsy and forced, it was one of those cliches, and I'm sorry I said it."
"Yes."
"I concede that. Was that what you wanted to say?"
"Yeah, it pissed me off..."
"Good."
And then the clock bailed me out, and I said, Okay, and he said, okay, and I took a breath on the couch, and I got up and stood really close to him for a second, closer than I ever have and then mouthed 'Bye.'
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Hmmph.
I can't fight gravity today... I'm debating on whether to go to my make-up ballet class or not... I'm just so tired, and it would be the advanced class... and it's been five years... I don't remember that stuff... It would just be makeup the class...
I did nothing but dream about Julian yesterday.. well I cleaned a little and did homework, and went to my Psych class, which was funny this time, and played piano... but I thought about him a lot. I wonder if I've been misreading him all along... if all he meant by what he said was that he knows it's been hard for me, but that that makes me who I am now? "In some ways I wish you hadn't... But then we wouldn't be here today, so..." It could mean anything. Along with everything else he said, and how he was acting, and how he's been with me, all along, it seems pretty clear what he was referring to. And when I'm with him, ah, the connection (and sexual tension. Ohlord.) is so strong I have no doubts about it and I leave his office feeling so alive... But now, I just wonder if I'm projecting my own feelings on him, seeing what I want to see, people have certainly done that with me.
He told me yesterday, With regards to the e-mails... if there's something you want to ask me, or to bring up, you have to bring it up in here... I understand that... and now it also DAWNED on me that he CAN'T respond in e-mails. For a million reasons, one of which is so obvious, for professional reasons, he can't reveal anything any kind of reaction or opinion or anything but purely impersonal psych-speak which is so unlike him in person.
I just have so much to say to him. And it doesn't come out. I need to just buck up. I don't know what this shy business is... I'm a stripper for godssake. And I've never felt so exposed in my life, as I do sitting across from him in that office.
Love and Leaves and Lorries rollin' by...
Scarlet-O
I did nothing but dream about Julian yesterday.. well I cleaned a little and did homework, and went to my Psych class, which was funny this time, and played piano... but I thought about him a lot. I wonder if I've been misreading him all along... if all he meant by what he said was that he knows it's been hard for me, but that that makes me who I am now? "In some ways I wish you hadn't... But then we wouldn't be here today, so..." It could mean anything. Along with everything else he said, and how he was acting, and how he's been with me, all along, it seems pretty clear what he was referring to. And when I'm with him, ah, the connection (and sexual tension. Ohlord.) is so strong I have no doubts about it and I leave his office feeling so alive... But now, I just wonder if I'm projecting my own feelings on him, seeing what I want to see, people have certainly done that with me.
He told me yesterday, With regards to the e-mails... if there's something you want to ask me, or to bring up, you have to bring it up in here... I understand that... and now it also DAWNED on me that he CAN'T respond in e-mails. For a million reasons, one of which is so obvious, for professional reasons, he can't reveal anything any kind of reaction or opinion or anything but purely impersonal psych-speak which is so unlike him in person.
I just have so much to say to him. And it doesn't come out. I need to just buck up. I don't know what this shy business is... I'm a stripper for godssake. And I've never felt so exposed in my life, as I do sitting across from him in that office.
Love and Leaves and Lorries rollin' by...
Scarlet-O
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
TYSON'S MCNUGGETS
I say this because I didn't totally chicken out!!! YES, I sat there, silent and staring and stammering, literally-- I....... just...... have..... trouble..... because, I, I ha-ave trouble because----- for the last 20 minutes of my session. Julian was laughing at me, softly, cutely, I was laughing at me, I told him the cat had my tongue and I could do nothing but circumscribe the issue. He said things like, why don't you try observing the thoughts to see what comes up, and express them, like free association? I said no I'm very aware of the thoughts... He said So, self-censorship? Why? And then I went: Uhmmmmm.... Why....... Why. Beeeeee-cauuuuse..... And he went, well it might prevent you from fully being here, and I said, I've been self-censoring for a while and, I don't think it's inhibited too much! And he was like, what would help you feel more comfortable expressing... your thoughts? And I said, hiding behind a monitor? And he said what would help you here? What would help me there??? What would??? Should I know the answer to that? It was so obvious... He's so handsome... Looking at him, makes my body burn and freeze and pulse... I wrote him this whole long letter last night... I gave him my CD. I gave him my CD. OMFG I can't. OMFG I can't.
Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.
So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...
So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...
So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???
Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.
So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...
So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...
So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???
Friday, February 12, 2010
Well, here goes something.
So, I had a busy week.. Still to come, tonight I'll probably play at, let's just call it the Twilight Room, Eamonn's little joint. Whatever. Unless I'm really too exhausted... But I have to dump my laundry, write a bunch of letters, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse...
My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.
I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.
One thing I did do:
Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.
S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'
Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.
S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'
Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...
S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'
Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.
S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'
J: Ahhh...
S: No, you can't, because no normal-
J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?
S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...
J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?
S: Oh my god, YES!
-----------------------------------------
Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.
And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.
I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...
Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?
My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.
I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.
One thing I did do:
Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.
S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'
Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.
S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'
Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...
S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'
Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.
S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'
J: Ahhh...
S: No, you can't, because no normal-
J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?
S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...
J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?
S: Oh my god, YES!
-----------------------------------------
Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.
And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.
I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...
Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Nervous...
For tonight... It's nothing SCAR-LET I know. It'll be a session. A J-Date. Hah! That made me laugh. OK. No biggie.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Ceci N'est Pas Un Blog
I am not blogging right now. I am so f'in' tired (I know--Wolf! Wolf, wolf wolf!) that I'm grossed out by the computer and the lamp; I've finally exhausted myself to the point where I can just Go To Sleep, for f's sake, and Madeline's acting like a lunatic and it's so irritating I'm feeling like a lunatic myself. I still had to laugh though, she was autistically scratching at a paper bag and dashing back and forth to finally end up suspended pretty much upside down from the couch. One of my neighbors I never spoke to before stopped me walking out and got me a booking at this swanky place downtown, he's been hearing me play, I had no idea I was audible, for some reason... of course I am. I figured it was a load of crap because he told me I should sing for this, and that, and commercials, so I could make money?? and I was like, well yeah, but... that's kind of hard to get into... and I don't know any of those people. But I gave him a CD and met the manager (who I've heard of a bunch and awesome) and have one coming up, and I'm actually gonna ask J if there's something I can take because I never get stagefright but I think I'll be so nervous I choke. Quite in contrast with the other neighbor. Never dealt with that.
I had a date with Julian today (joke, I'm not actually insane yet ), and it was amazing. I am, not to be mundane, madly in love with him. GOD-DAMN am I in love with him. He got out these comic strips people have cut out for him (patients? I got jealous, just now. Why didn't I think of that?? That's cute and unassuming. But no, too forward for me. I can't make a move yet. God I sound like an ass...) when I was telling him Madeline was being a nightmare lately and he said he thought of me, and, oh man, I'm starting to cry now, what is wrong with me, je-sus. Jesus. And I'm blogging. I have to cut it out.
Love and lunacy,
Scarlet O'Dreamtime
I had a date with Julian today (joke, I'm not actually insane yet ), and it was amazing. I am, not to be mundane, madly in love with him. GOD-DAMN am I in love with him. He got out these comic strips people have cut out for him (patients? I got jealous, just now. Why didn't I think of that?? That's cute and unassuming. But no, too forward for me. I can't make a move yet. God I sound like an ass...) when I was telling him Madeline was being a nightmare lately and he said he thought of me, and, oh man, I'm starting to cry now, what is wrong with me, je-sus. Jesus. And I'm blogging. I have to cut it out.
Love and lunacy,
Scarlet O'Dreamtime
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Callin' it a goddamn night.
I'm going to bed. I'm really tired and I feel a little sick. I went out to a metal show with a guy I like. He's from Spain and is a drummer in a metal band, has been for years. The show reminded me of my ex fiance. He chatted me online the other day. He made me laugh for hours. He's the funniest person ever. I'll always be in love with him. But it didn't work. He took me on vacation, and got down on his knee and gave me a diamond ring. My tough rock star who never did that for anyone. And I said yes. And then I moved. And then we started talking again, and he was gonna move here, and I stopped answering the phone for three days. I'm a jerk. I don't want to think about it. I'm gonna just start being honest with J. Elena would say it's stupid but it's the only way I'll ever get over him and be able to move on and that's what I need to do. I don't want the challenge, it's not a game to me anymore. I just want to be happier.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Guess Who's Still Up?
That's right, me. Me, bitches.
This is dumbfounding. I'd have to get up shortly before work to get a good [night's] sleep at this point. And I was passing out at the diner. It's the damn booze. I don't get drunk, I don't ACTUALLY ever pass out, just CNS-depressed enough so that I can't sleep when it wears off. What a bitch, that.
I just had an hour-and-a-half long sexual fantasy about Julian. I am, okay, pretty SF at this point. If he touched me to any degree I would probably have an orgasm. OMG, sigh.
I laughed really hard twice yesterday.
1. At the show, there was a singer/guitar-player D00D who just, sucked like Electrolux up in there. I did NOT laugh while he was playing! Though I did hiccup once when he did something musically silly but it came off like an amused, laugh-with... But for the rest of his performance I think I was just staring ahead of me and tearing a beer label to shreds in my lap thinking about losing my gear. The emcee made eye contact with me at one point and I noticed I was visibly unhappy and quickly recomposed. But after the D00D was done he was like, talking to him from the stage, like, "That's original material, Travis? That's cool, man," and I was just like uh-oh giggles might be nigh... but they weren't, but then after Travis D. ooD walks out, the emcee goes, "I think it was great how he was just like I wrote a song, driving down the road, and it was long, and I'm just playin' it," but I mean, it was like really to the tune, and phrasing, of TD's, and I had a major onslaught, and no one else really seemed to even think it was supposed to be funny but the emcee had that evil little faint non-smile some comedians get when they're telling a hilarious, slightly mean joke. Ah, these things translate so badly...
2. At the club tonight, okay, this will translate badly too, because it's another impersonation. God, what translates to writing worse than an impersonation? Nothing, I think! I think this is as bad as a choice as I could have made! But maybe you can imagine... So, it's this girl Asia who's hilarious when she's drunk, if a little mean-hilarious, and is REALLY pretty, like a DOLL-cute, she's black with freckles, which is my FAVORITE, and huge Bambi eyes and round, perfect everything, and long straight black hair, which of course is fake as a $3 bill , but eveything else is real. Anyway, she's like implausibly cute, and she starts going off about Karolina, like "She come up to these men, like, You don't have money? Like, real concerned-like, like, Where's my money? Just like, confused..." And she was doing the Russian accent, and it was so dead on, I was dying, and she kept doing it, elaborating like, "But no, no, she be really curious, like," and she walked up to me again with Karolina's curious look, "You don't have money? And the man said, he don't have money, she be like," and she walks up to me again, this time like cocking her head even more confused, "Where is my money?" And she just KEPT doing it, and it just got funnier everytime, till I'm like laying back on the seats kicking my feet up and down like, "No!!!! Don't do it!!!" And Asia's like, "She be doin' it all night long." And Karolina walks in like "What you bitches are talking about?" and Asia's like, "You, bitch, talkin' bout "Where's my money all night long." And Karolina's like, "Well, tell me, why are you are here, you don't have money?" She's pretty f'in funny too. All the girls are, really, and Asia goes, "All night long." :::giggle:::
This is dumbfounding. I'd have to get up shortly before work to get a good [night's] sleep at this point. And I was passing out at the diner. It's the damn booze. I don't get drunk, I don't ACTUALLY ever pass out, just CNS-depressed enough so that I can't sleep when it wears off. What a bitch, that.
I just had an hour-and-a-half long sexual fantasy about Julian. I am, okay, pretty SF at this point. If he touched me to any degree I would probably have an orgasm. OMG, sigh.
I laughed really hard twice yesterday.
1. At the show, there was a singer/guitar-player D00D who just, sucked like Electrolux up in there. I did NOT laugh while he was playing! Though I did hiccup once when he did something musically silly but it came off like an amused, laugh-with... But for the rest of his performance I think I was just staring ahead of me and tearing a beer label to shreds in my lap thinking about losing my gear. The emcee made eye contact with me at one point and I noticed I was visibly unhappy and quickly recomposed. But after the D00D was done he was like, talking to him from the stage, like, "That's original material, Travis? That's cool, man," and I was just like uh-oh giggles might be nigh... but they weren't, but then after Travis D. ooD walks out, the emcee goes, "I think it was great how he was just like I wrote a song, driving down the road, and it was long, and I'm just playin' it," but I mean, it was like really to the tune, and phrasing, of TD's, and I had a major onslaught, and no one else really seemed to even think it was supposed to be funny but the emcee had that evil little faint non-smile some comedians get when they're telling a hilarious, slightly mean joke. Ah, these things translate so badly...
2. At the club tonight, okay, this will translate badly too, because it's another impersonation. God, what translates to writing worse than an impersonation? Nothing, I think! I think this is as bad as a choice as I could have made! But maybe you can imagine... So, it's this girl Asia who's hilarious when she's drunk, if a little mean-hilarious, and is REALLY pretty, like a DOLL-cute, she's black with freckles, which is my FAVORITE, and huge Bambi eyes and round, perfect everything, and long straight black hair, which of course is fake as a $3 bill , but eveything else is real. Anyway, she's like implausibly cute, and she starts going off about Karolina, like "She come up to these men, like, You don't have money? Like, real concerned-like, like, Where's my money? Just like, confused..." And she was doing the Russian accent, and it was so dead on, I was dying, and she kept doing it, elaborating like, "But no, no, she be really curious, like," and she walked up to me again with Karolina's curious look, "You don't have money? And the man said, he don't have money, she be like," and she walks up to me again, this time like cocking her head even more confused, "Where is my money?" And she just KEPT doing it, and it just got funnier everytime, till I'm like laying back on the seats kicking my feet up and down like, "No!!!! Don't do it!!!" And Asia's like, "She be doin' it all night long." And Karolina walks in like "What you bitches are talking about?" and Asia's like, "You, bitch, talkin' bout "Where's my money all night long." And Karolina's like, "Well, tell me, why are you are here, you don't have money?" She's pretty f'in funny too. All the girls are, really, and Asia goes, "All night long." :::giggle:::
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Act II
Maybe this is Act II of this drama, maybe finally, after being stuck on Act I of Scarlet on the Couch.
And it blows.
I don't think he likes me anymore, like that, I don't think it'll ever happen, I can't see it anymore, and it's raining, I can't see through the rain again, I think it's just therapist-patient now, for him, and consequently for me too, because in love there are no one-way streets. Maybe it's healthy, the way it's moved on, maybe he decided to take it there, and maybe it's a good thing, but I don't know, because right now I'm just so mad, and I'm crying, and I'm mad at him, and he knows it, and yeah, he got me emotional, but not for the right reasons, and no, it's not because I don't think he likes me anymore.
He interrupted me. He let me talk and talk and I don't think he was interested, and I wasn't particularly interested either, about my mom's death, and the aftermath, and then he interrupted me mid-sentence, because the time was out, and I burst into tears, and he said, What, what is it, and I said, I don't know it was just being stopped in the middle, and he said, I'm sorry, I should've said something sooner but I didn't want to interrupt, and he said, It felt like, it was easy for you to say a lot of that, and then there was this emotion, and it caught me off-guard, but I had to...
"Before I stopped?"
"Yes-"
"Really?"
"Yes,"
"What was it, what was I saying?"
"Something about your dad's wife?"
"His house, I said it was his house."
"Oh. What was the emotion?"
"No idea... Wasn't that boring?"
"...It's my job..."
WOW. "Heh." Burst sobbing again, a bit.
"We can take a minute... to wind down..."
"I feel self-conscious."
"Why do you feel self-conscious?"
"I don't know how long it'll take me to wind down..." Julian laughed.
I got up and walked to the door, as he asked, so all set for... I said, Thursday. No, not Thursday, he said, Friday, do you want me to give you a card? I probably have a card somewhere, I said and made another step to the door, and he was already scribbling it down on a card. He handed it to me. I looked at him for a sec, then walked out.
I opened the door myself.
And it blows.
I don't think he likes me anymore, like that, I don't think it'll ever happen, I can't see it anymore, and it's raining, I can't see through the rain again, I think it's just therapist-patient now, for him, and consequently for me too, because in love there are no one-way streets. Maybe it's healthy, the way it's moved on, maybe he decided to take it there, and maybe it's a good thing, but I don't know, because right now I'm just so mad, and I'm crying, and I'm mad at him, and he knows it, and yeah, he got me emotional, but not for the right reasons, and no, it's not because I don't think he likes me anymore.
He interrupted me. He let me talk and talk and I don't think he was interested, and I wasn't particularly interested either, about my mom's death, and the aftermath, and then he interrupted me mid-sentence, because the time was out, and I burst into tears, and he said, What, what is it, and I said, I don't know it was just being stopped in the middle, and he said, I'm sorry, I should've said something sooner but I didn't want to interrupt, and he said, It felt like, it was easy for you to say a lot of that, and then there was this emotion, and it caught me off-guard, but I had to...
"Before I stopped?"
"Yes-"
"Really?"
"Yes,"
"What was it, what was I saying?"
"Something about your dad's wife?"
"His house, I said it was his house."
"Oh. What was the emotion?"
"No idea... Wasn't that boring?"
"...It's my job..."
WOW. "Heh." Burst sobbing again, a bit.
"We can take a minute... to wind down..."
"I feel self-conscious."
"Why do you feel self-conscious?"
"I don't know how long it'll take me to wind down..." Julian laughed.
I got up and walked to the door, as he asked, so all set for... I said, Thursday. No, not Thursday, he said, Friday, do you want me to give you a card? I probably have a card somewhere, I said and made another step to the door, and he was already scribbling it down on a card. He handed it to me. I looked at him for a sec, then walked out.
I opened the door myself.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Psychic and the Psychologist
Yesterday, I didn't get to touch him.
But I brought up the psychic thing. We were talking about my mom... I was, I mean. He was silent mostly and I laid on the couch looking up not at him and I just let all sorts of things spill out, viscera floorwards, but poetic, wistful, funny... He was kind of mesmerized... I turned around at one point and he was watching and I said What??? And he said What?? And I said, You were... looking at me like I just came crashing into your office from the moon... and he said, Oh, no, not at all...
And then I said... I know you don't believe in them. But I do and I take some comfort in... communication with... spirits... Like my dreams about her... But they're never...
"So, you enjoy these dreams that you feel are- you enjoy communicating with your mother?"
"Well, no, because they've never been good." I looked at him. "It's always like I'm panicked, I'm asking myself, what the fuck happened, didn't she die?? When was that? Did I tell everyone she was dead? Like, she's often not there, but her presence is there, but it's, it's dread, I'm in the basement of my old house and there are canvases everywhere, and they're charred..." I sat up and hugged my knees. "And then there was one where she was sitting on, we had this big yard you know, with a, a patio, and she was sitting on the patio with her feet on the grass in a nightgown and, she said, Don't you know? Don't you know I'm dead? Touch my face," and I put my hand on my cheek, "See how it's cold?" Julian kind of nodded, slowly.
"I knoooow, they're just manifestations of my own uncertainties, my emotions, constructions of my mind, right, yes, and all that shit. I know." He didn't say anything.
"Whatever they are, explained or unexplained. Magic is just a matter of semantics. I'm sure I sound like every walk-in wacko. But. So it goes." I laughed. I wasn't looking at him.
"I have predictive dreams too." I looked at him and half-smiled. "Crazy, right?"
He half-smiled.
But I brought up the psychic thing. We were talking about my mom... I was, I mean. He was silent mostly and I laid on the couch looking up not at him and I just let all sorts of things spill out, viscera floorwards, but poetic, wistful, funny... He was kind of mesmerized... I turned around at one point and he was watching and I said What??? And he said What?? And I said, You were... looking at me like I just came crashing into your office from the moon... and he said, Oh, no, not at all...
And then I said... I know you don't believe in them. But I do and I take some comfort in... communication with... spirits... Like my dreams about her... But they're never...
"So, you enjoy these dreams that you feel are- you enjoy communicating with your mother?"
"Well, no, because they've never been good." I looked at him. "It's always like I'm panicked, I'm asking myself, what the fuck happened, didn't she die?? When was that? Did I tell everyone she was dead? Like, she's often not there, but her presence is there, but it's, it's dread, I'm in the basement of my old house and there are canvases everywhere, and they're charred..." I sat up and hugged my knees. "And then there was one where she was sitting on, we had this big yard you know, with a, a patio, and she was sitting on the patio with her feet on the grass in a nightgown and, she said, Don't you know? Don't you know I'm dead? Touch my face," and I put my hand on my cheek, "See how it's cold?" Julian kind of nodded, slowly.
"I knoooow, they're just manifestations of my own uncertainties, my emotions, constructions of my mind, right, yes, and all that shit. I know." He didn't say anything.
"Whatever they are, explained or unexplained. Magic is just a matter of semantics. I'm sure I sound like every walk-in wacko. But. So it goes." I laughed. I wasn't looking at him.
"I have predictive dreams too." I looked at him and half-smiled. "Crazy, right?"
He half-smiled.
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