Friday, July 2, 2010

Bonkers, Brilliant, or Brave?

from another letter to julian, from last night. i saw him today. nothing happened, but, it's always good to see him...

"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.

so i cant say i blame you jd

Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.

and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.

and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...

and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............

you want to kill me right now dont you.

if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.

oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless

good night


bonkers, brilliant or brave?

1 comment:

  1. I don't know the answer to your question, but you are going to have to my title-maker for any story I send to publish!