Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Where the words went.

Here's what I'm gonna post cuz here's where I've been writing. They're letters to. Obviously. But no-- it's not like that, because I haven't sent a single one... I think maybe... it's just easier writing to him because I know he rabidly reads and because I'm trying to seduce him or engage with him or whatever the hell I've been trying to do... But these are the words I want to put here... So... I'm gonna just post like, what I wrote him each day, starting the Saturday before last and... it'll just be like... it's my pretty much my damn journal anyway.

He told me I could write to him... He told me instead of thinking about the conversations we're not going to have, to think about the ones we've had... He told me I should take an hour out, twice a week, whenever we would and get away from everything and just think and write and he said I could probably imagine what he'd say anyway....

Conversations+Revelations with Julian

Day 2 of 20*: 'Nother No Good Horrible Very Bad Day

*the math genius here really could not understand how exactly 20 days apart could become exactly three weeks-- 21 days apart-- before realizing that, like with scales, the last note of a scale acts as the first note of the next. So that last Friday doesn't count.

So I was freaking out in the shower because I'd left the front door open a crack for ventilation and I couldn't see Madeline and I was thinking it's UNLIKELY but maybe she'd jumped out and I'd have to go looking for her and I was thinking I'd probably want to write you this because it would be an awful scare--

Ugh, Jare's coming over in a minute with vicodin-- but I'm gonna tell him I have to finish writing this first-- and I was just thinking, it's a damn shame I told him to come over before I started writing you and feeling better.

But anyway, I thought, I wouldnt wanna tell anyone else about the Madeline thing I mean why, why bother, I just don't care for anyone to know, but I'd wanna tell you, and I'd tell you, and youd probably tell me something funny, about what she was thinking when she ran out, and you'd PROBABLY, you'd probably CONNECT it to something we'd talked about before-- like I mentioned these neighbors now-- you'd probably make some joke connecting Madeline to the neighbors, that would simultaneously deflate the stress of both situations-- and make me feel understood, because you remember things, you remember people's things you remember everything. Is that a technique psychologists learn for therapy, or is that just how you talk?... If only everyone spoke like that, so sharp and quick and with it, obviously present and understanding and really hot and sexy and thoughtful and not just half asleep glancing over at the TV...

This is what you do, Jul, when you talk, when you talk to me, when we talk to each other, you make connections all the time. It's beautiful, it's structure... And you know, how my biggest fear in life, really, the biggest Issue, is that nothing is connected to anything else kinda... Nothing's really tied together... I mean, I know there aren't that many people walking around or into your office plagued with Fear and Trembling over Nothing is connected to anything else, so, this can be simplified, depersonalized, universalized, sophomoricated, for psychological and sociological consistency, we're all in the same boat like, to the existential crisis of Meaning and Why Am I Here and even just plain old Fear of Mortality. Does it every time. I mean, I'm like, WHY do that, what's the purpose, it's like Freudian dream analysis, ok, nothing's special we all just wish we had a dick, right?

But if we're gonna simplify, then this is MY simplification: You connect everything when we talk, when I don't talk to you I sometimes feel disconnected, this connection thing boils down to meaning, which boils down to value, in this big ol bunsen burner you science people use, so, my equation becomes, therefore, ergo: With you life has meaning--> Life has no meaning without you.

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