time to f'n split

my magical ex's kitty had ktrz.

that's one of 'em. looks like a real piglet. i wish i could see in person.

you know i'm thinking of moving back there.

you know i'm thinking it ain't working out here.

you know i'm thinking this has been one headtrip, timewarp, isolationtank, experiment... i've learned things and it's a dead end and there's naught but mirrored walls on every side, and i don't like my reflection in any of them. i can't make it out here.

thought myself the exception to the rule, accepting the fact that i ain't.

i can't afford this lifestyle. NO LOVE. NO LOVE. NO HELP. NO DIRECTION.

doggypaddling to keep afloat in a stagnant pool. not swimming to. not swimming from. tired already. cold. shivering. still, sick as a dog. and arguing with a sign that says "i'm a fucking idiot" all the livelong day. OUTTA HERE.

time to f'in split me-thinks. time to f'in split.

The Scarlet's OK List

1. I'm a good writer-- I mean it's convoluted, the content is self-absorbed, it's repetitive and indulgent and boring, but it's okay.

2. I'm a good dancer.

3. I can take care of myself, to some degree, I can pay my bills and get dressed in the morning- albeit in old torn up dirty clothes sometimes.

4. I don't talk SHIT about people. Anything I ever say that sounds like a criticism is something I have or will share with them personally.

5. I'm pretty good about running.

6. Somehow I've kept a lot of friends for a really long time.

7. I am honest.

8. Boys think I'm pretty. ... I know that's not really a good quality in some people's opinions, but I think it is with other people I mean I value it in others, and, I mean it's still... well maybe it doesn't count. I don't know. I'm just running out here. I want to make 10 things.

9. 8. I'm good to my cat, she's the happiest cat around, and she loves me. Ohgod I'm crying.
10. One more thing. One more thing. Two, if 8 doesn't count... but I can't think of two. I can't think of one.

9. OH. Okay. I've read a lot of books. And I really, really... Wait ok...

10. I really really love with all my heart.

Veggie Day

After the self-inflicted battle wounds of yesterday I really kept it mellow today. And I'm very black and white. Keeping it mellow means driving to get cookies and then watching 5 or 6 hours of Bravo. The Millionaire Matchmaker is starting afresh. I love that trashy show.

Madeline knocked over my water glass twice, and the second time I picked her up and sat her in the puddle. She loved it. Loved the whole thing. Guess I'm gonna be buying those stupid water bottles for a while.