wow.

wow.. i hadnt checked my mail all day and i got home and there was a really (no, like REALLY) hefty check from my insurance company and was mindblown and i looked at it and saw the way J filed my claims and like, i don't know, in addition to not charging me what i owed him from the last couple months, not even mentioning it, last week, he also like filed the claims so that i'd get all this money back, and i don't know that much about how it works, but i know like, he mentioned once that if the insurance company deems it medically unnecessary (which they did, hence denying coverage for my 2x weekly sessions), they might not hold the patient responsible for the payment, and actually charge the provider...

all my stuff from my insurance was going to my old roommate and i'd get it like way late, this was from like a month ago (THANK GOD she forwarded it, damn)... and i remember him asking me, like, do you get the mail from your insurance company at all?? and i said well it still goes to PA, but ive been getting the emails about the appeal... and he was just like oh, okay... and then he told me that about they might hold the provider responsible, and then he told me he'd be really surprised if they denied it, and a while before that, he had told me the amount i'd get back if the appeal went through--- and it was pretty much exactly what i just got in this check... and it is for totally different dates than anything having to do with the appeal...

god... and not only that, but he put his usual rate which is like $200 and like I think an extra session or two on the claims, when he was never charging me anything close to that... i mean on the claim it was like $400/week, i was usually paying like 40.

Maybe I'm just misunderstanding all of this, I had to email him and ask, but, if not, I mean, that's a really really sweet thing to do. Like the amount, is probably nothing to him, but to me it's a lifesaver... if anyone anyone anyone tries to twist this around into something fucked up about him, you are just an asshole. because he implied if I got anything back it would be from the appeal, if he actually did anything to get me reimbursed let alone bite the monetary bullet for it himself, he never wanted me to know about it, and i wouldn't have if i didn't happen to have a roommate who forwards me my stuff a month late, after i'd already heard the appeal was denied.

i might take this post down. and i might stop writing about him period, not just because i'm sick of hearing people saying really inaccurate inflammatory accusations about him, or because you guys are sick of hearing it, or that it was all just a fantasy, but like, he is a REALLY GOOD person and i really care about him, and i've had misgivings before, but i've had them real strong lately, about writing about him like this, on a public forum, be it anonymous or not.

i don't feel like he ever manipulated me at all, and furthermore, i kind of feel like my turning him into the subject of this suggestively (misleadingly, ha) titled expose is actually the bad behavior here.

Going nowhere.

Right now I think I have to just end it. Maybe he doesn't want me to leave and it will really hurt him, and hey, maybe it's just in my head. Nope. Not if it's bad. Bad things are never just in my head.

I don't want to be cruel. But he can't give me anything. Not as a therapist anymore. Not as a man... And it's not going to be the same. I'm not going to be happy to see him. He's going to have his baby and he'll be stressed out and overit. We're not going to have fun conversations and jokes, and flirting now... So he wouldn't want me there either.

Because honestly? There's nothing left to say.

It was like an affair. And one thing's the same about all affairs. They can't go anywhere.

Not undermining how he's helped me, saved me from drowning, given me so much light and inspiration and I guess... I don't want to think about it now.

I'm numb.

Scarlet off the couch.

Spread Thin, Stoked, Stormy

I know I haven't been writing as much, and reading as much, of your blogs, I just, I haven't had time, and, I've been writing letters to people... and writing a lot of music, and recording, and I can't sleep so I'm never awake, and I drink like a fish at work and I'm gonna cry even though I'm stoked... I have a showcase for a record label just last minute on Wednesday and I have to learn all my shit down and like I don't have time, I also had to finish my column for the paper today when it was due on Sunday. And school is starting, and working, school's starting in a week, and on the same day, my ex fiance is coming HERE. I haven't seen him in more than year. He didn't wanna move here. He used to be a rockstar, but I dunno blew it off, cuz he's, like that... but he's the funniest, most magical sexbomb person and I can't, I haven't even thought about what happened... But I sent him my tracks and he said it was good. And don't add anything to it, like drums or bass or whatever, it'll just mess it up. And he's right. And he gave me advice. And he's letting me cover a couple of his songs. His songs. Are genius. He has the sexiest, toughest, most beautiful voice in the world. And God I love him, but, he was, ugh... I don't want to think about it. It's too much right now. But I'm not gonna revert to how I was with when I was with him... all the growth, I'm not gonna regress, so I'm not gonna start telling him I love him and stuff because that's not fair and I need to just hold it back and be mature about it.

I see Julian tomorrow. I'm gonna tell him thank you. He deserves it.